


Sins Are for Angels || 2Jae fanfiction

by MoMyMiddleName



Category: GOT7, K-pop
Genre: Alcohol, Anger, Bad Boy Im Jaebum | JB, Bromance, Coming of Age, Cute, Cute Choi Youngjae, Cute bff Jackson Wang, Denial of Feelings, Eventual Smut, Evil, Feelings, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Friendship, Gay, Good, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internal Conflict, Love, M/M, No Angst, Non-Graphic Violence, Not as cliche as it sounds I promise, Opposites Attract, Past Domestic Violence, Pillow Talk, Romance, School, Sexuality, Smut, Teen Romance, Teenagers, just sad moments but mainly soft, slight homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-02-10 17:24:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 138,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12916689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoMyMiddleName/pseuds/MoMyMiddleName
Summary: "It is better to have learnt and sinned than never to have learnt at all, isn't that how it goes?""... No, Im Jaebum. That is not how it goes.""How does it go then? Tell me, or rather... Show me, Choi Youngjae. Show me how it goes."---------Leather-jacketed and full-time bad boy Im Jaebum makes an unfortunate bet and lands himself the lead role as the angel in the school play alongside the demon played by the ray of sunshine Choi Youngjae. They will find out the difficulties that come with teaching the complexity of good and evil to their polar opposite and what that strange tension may reveal itself to be.





	1. Clever Casting

**Author's Note:**

> Hey yall. This is a new fanfiction that I'm not really sure about, so I'm posting this chapter as kind of a teaser to see if it gets a nice response, if any at all. If it does go well further chapters will start rolling out around January ;) - Freja

"If you succeed I'll fucking audition for the school play. That's how little I believe you can do it." Jaebum raises an eyebrow at his smirking friend, both confident in their own prediction of what is about to happen.

"I'm gonna make sure you land the lead; just you wait and see." A sentence that will prove itself truer than any of the three can imagine at this point. Jinyoung's smirk grows even wider before he throws a cigarette between his lips and lights it. He winks and begins his nonchalant walk towards Riley, the school's beauty queen without effort. She is the kindest student at school, except for that Youngjae kid maybe.

Mark leans his elbow on Jaebum's shoulder as they smirk at their youngest, who is trying to get the school's very own Mother Teresa to fuck him in the bathroom. Jinyoung puts on his innocent smile that he, Jaebum has found, always uses to his advantage in any possible situation. Jaebum's smirk grows smaller and smaller as Riley's grows bigger. Jinyoung's hand lands on Riley's hip and Jaebum and Mark share a confused look. Riley grabs Jinyoung's collar, smashes her lips on his and drags him back into the school building. Jinyoung waves two fingers at his friends.  _Interpret that as you will._

"Fucking hell." Jaebum shakes his head and his strong jaw clenches. Mark is clapping his shoulder before he sits him down on a bench in the schoolyard.

"Guess you've got yourself some lines to practice."

"Ow," Youngjae brings a nursing hand to his shoulder, looking back at Riley running down the hall with one of JB's boys. Yugyeom furrows his eyebrows as he uses his height to get an overview of the situation.

"Wonder what that was about," Jackson comments, looking over at Youngjae and he shrugs it off. "Oh, by the way! Youngjae you're auditioning for the play, right?" Youngjae nods, awaiting the reason for this question. "I've been asked to help out with props once in a while, you know, cause they need the muscle." Jackson flexes, causing his friends to roll their eyes, laughing.

"I hope I get the part," Youngjae expresses his worry very honestly as he always does. "Maybe it was a bit ambitious of me to aim for the role as the demon." He taps his thigh with his middle and index finger, making it easy for his friends to see that his nerves are getting the best of him.

"Of course you'll get the part. Having practised lines with you, I think they'll appreciate what you can do for a role like that. It's completely different from what you are. I think that can be good. Something fresh." Bambam's words comfort Youngjae, as well as Yugyeom's hand around his shoulder does it.

Youngjae is anything but a demon. His love for life becomes so contagious when his mouth grows into a wide smile. He has no enemies because hating Youngjae is something that requires a lot of talent. To explain to you how positive of a boy he is, words will not be enough. His friends play an ongoing game of finding the word to best describe Youngjae. They started at positive and have currently made it all the way to tranquil, a proud input from Yugyeom, their maknae. Youngjae loves his friends and is anything but afraid to tell them. Their love for him is just as big, proved by their calm reactions on the day where he had shyly (a word that is not often used about Youngjae) told his friends how boys are more appealing to him than girls are and how he hoped it wouldn't change their friendship. They had simultaneously shrugged their shoulders and asked him why that would have any impact on their love for him. To sum up: Youngjae is an angel and his friends are not far from it either.

On Tuesday, Youngjae nails his audition, despite his previous worries. He does a far better job than the seven other hopeful demons. The only other noteworthy audition is JB's. Youngjae is surprised to see him there and is even more surprised when he finds that he his acting was more than okay, better than his attitude for sure. Youngjae observed how he had slouched in there without greeting the teachers, read his lines and left the room as soon as his part was done.

"I'm a little terrified. Despite his rude behaviour, he was quite... Auroral."

"AURORAL! Auroral beats tranquil," Jackson bounces at Yugyeom, who is now sitting at the edge of his seat because he is in danger of losing his lead in their little game.

"Auroral is pretty strong," BamBam agrees with Jackson, sealing it with a nod. Yugyeom frowns. "Sorry, Youngjae; so, you're afraid that Im Jaebum is gonna be cast as the demon?" Youngjae nods at BamBam, getting the conversation back on track.

"Don't worry too much about it now that you've done all you can do. Let's go to my place and hang out so you can forget about the audition for now." Jackson stands up, grabbing his bag on the way. The others follow him out of the school gates where they walk past Jaebum, Jinyoung and Mark smoking. Jaebum looks at Youngjae, who is already looking at him. He sends him a small smile that Jaebum lets hang in the air between them for the short moment that their eyes are locked.

Jaebum throws his cigarette to the ground, looking down at it.

"I hate you, Park Jinyoung." Jinyoung chuckles, knowing what he means by the sudden harsh words. "If I get the part, what the fuck is gonna happen to my dignity?" He shakes his head cockily at Jaebum's words.

"It was your idea, JB. Don't blame this on me."

Jaebum sighs. He runs a frustrated hand through his hair. The annoyance boils up inside of him and converts into irrational anger, nothing new. Both of his friends are aware of what is happening and Jinyoung puts a comforting hand on Jaebum's shoulder.

"You should go home," Jinyoung's eyes do that thing where they stop being passive, only joyed from teasing Jaebum (which actually makes his eyes crease so that Jinyoung looks almost as angelic as Youngjae). They grow bigger and they grow more serious. They have a glow to them, which is Jinyoung's way of caring about his angry friend.

"It's a good idea," Mark supports with a nod. Jaebum nods back, sending his friends a stiff smile of gratitude. As he leaves, he takes a last look down the road at Youngjae and his friends jumping around.

"For the life of me, I hope you get the part, Choi Youngjae," Jaebum mumbles as he sets off for his own home.

At this point, Youngjae has let the nerves have a rest. He knows he did well but he also knows that there was something about Jaebum's acting that could make them choose him instead of Youngjae. He is just thankful to have has his friends to get it off his mind.

Both Jaebum and Youngjae are surprised to hear that the two of them have been called back to the auditorium together that Wednesday afternoon. Youngjae's friends reassure him that they are going to be waiting outside as he enters. He walks past the red sea of empty chairs to the empty stage and he feels seasick. He sets his bag down and jumps up a little awkwardly because the stage is high and Youngjae is not all muscle like Jackson. The silence is anticipating and Youngjae checks the time. He taps his thigh as he waits for anyone to arrive. The door clicks open and Youngjae's head shoots up with hope. Jaebum walks inside, hands in his pockets and looking like he does not particularly want to be there, theusual. Their eyes meet like they did the day before. The silence turns hard like Jaebum's attitude because Jaebum controls the atmosphere of any room he enters with his angry jaw and cold eyes.

"Hi," Youngjae breathes out with a nervous smile forming on his quivering lips. Jaebum nods at him before pushing himself up on the edge of the stage a good distance from Youngjae, avoiding any accidental touching. Youngjae prays for the teachers to come soon. They do come soon, with strange news.

"You two were by far the best auditions we had. We would love to cast you two as the leads." Youngjae smiles from ear to ear at the news. He is sure he hears Jaebum release a silent, displeased groan. "Youngjae, you're our demon since we believe you can bring something fresh to the character." BamBam's words replay in Youngjae's happy mind. He smiles wider. "Jaebum that leaves the angel for you. Are you up for it?" Jaebum takes a deep, shaky breath. Youngjae feels the frustration that is oozing from him. He feels the cloud of anger surrounding him even with the two-metre distance between them.

"Yeah, I'll do it." Youngjae takes a deep breath as he realises what that means – he has to spend the next couple of months rehearsing with Im Jaebum, the infamous bad boy whose reputation is not exactly the cleanest.

"Rehearsals happen Monday through Thursday after classes."

"Having the angel play the demon and the demon play the angel. That's ironic," BamBam comments as they sit in the deserted cafeteria discussing the new information. "But you got the part! That's worth a dab." BamBam does a double dab, causing Yugyeom to laugh and imitate his friend. Youngjae laughs wholeheartedly at the Thai and his little helper before he grows serious again, landing his chin back on his crossed arms.

"What an interesting turn of events." Jackson loves when things turn intriguing. Anything without a definitive answer is luring to Jackson (even though he's a huge sucker for routines, traditions and cosy everyday things). Youngjae groans, burying his head into the crook of his crossed arms on the table. Youngjae does not think this is intriguing at all.

"I mean sure he's a bit of a douche but why are you so worried about this?" BamBam questions with crossed arms.

"He's crazy," Yugyeom mutters under his breath.

"He's great when he's acting but I'm pretty sure he's gonna be impossible to communicate with otherwise and he scares me a little bit. His eyes are so cold."

"Just be you... He'll get soft sooner or later. You have that effect on people," Jackson smiles with his China confidence. (Jackson likes to put China in front of things that describe him.) Youngjae hits his arm with his newfound smile. "Ow! That's our Youngjae," Jackson massages his arm where Youngjae hit him quite hard before he ruffles Youngjae's already messy hair.

"I'm going home. We have the first rehearsal on Monday so I should practice the lines."

"Call if you need help," Yugyeom offers, smiling sweetly at Youngjae, who thanks him with a meaningful look. Youngjae goes home, hoping that it will be less painful than what he is imagining right now. He announces his arrival with a loud 'hello'. His older sister comes to the front door as he kicks off his old grey (once white) sneakers.

"So... How'd it go? Did they tell you anything today?"

"I got the part." His sister smiles the same smile as Youngjae, something their family has been blessed with and a kind smile can get you far. She ruffles his hair. "It's just a school production," Youngjae modestly expresses.

"It's still an achievement. Every little success counts," she assures him. Her smile falls soon as she detects an uneasiness with Youngjae. "What's the matter?"

"The angel part went to the rudest guy at school. He doesn't seem to care that much about the play. It's just a school play but I still want to do my best."

"I don't know much about him but, Youngjae, I bet if you give it some time and effort he'll loosen up. After all, you have the Choi smile that no one can resist." She puts her own on full display for Youngjae. His dumbfounded dorky laugh reveals itself in the comfort of his home and presence of his sister.

"I guess you're right." She sends him one last smile before leaving him to himself. He heads to his room where he finds himself looking at his own reflection in the mirror.

"Youngjae fighting," he smiles at his reflection in the mirror and feels his confidence rise a bit. He is going to try not to think about Jaebum for now and just do the best he can at memorising the lines.

Jaebum's approach is quite similar to Youngjae's with quite different reactions. The first thing he does is shoving the script in Jinyoung's face to break the news that he has been cast as the angel. Jinyoung laughs, shaking his head in disbelief. Mark smiles because Mark always smiles at weird times.

"The fucking angel."

"It's definitely not what I had expected. This is gonna be so fun to watch." Jinyoung leans back in his chair. "The script looks pretty thick with pages. You should start practising," Jinyoung speaks arrogantly with a huge smirk on. Jaebum wants to slap it away but for once he calms himself down because Jinyoung is Jinyoung.

"I should never have fucking opened my mouth and now I have to play the angel while that Youngjae kid gets to be the demon. How did they come to that conclusion?"

"The constantly smiling boy?" Jinyoung asks. Jaebum nods. "That's odd casting."

"They said he could 'bring something new to the role'. He's way too cheerful to play a demon," Jaebum complains, regretting the whole situation more and more each second.

"Maybe it's clever casting," Mark speaks up. The two furrow their eyebrows at him, not quite understanding. "If you want two people who are complete opposites to have good chemistry on stage, it's pretty smart to give them the role of the opposite's normal character... Clever, don't you think?"

**Day 1 - Thursday**

Youngjae's friends find themselves in the auditorium the next day; Yugyeom as part of the dance team, BamBam as a costume designer, Jackson in props, mainly there to carry heavy objects. They are all quite shocked to find Jinyoung and Mark barging in, a little late, also assigned tasks for the play. Jaebum feels the annoyance make his blood boil. They had not told him they would participate in the play and he sure as hell does not appreciate the smug smile on Jinyoung's face as they join the circle of people.

"This is the prompter, Park Jinyoung," miss Kwon informs the rest of the involved students. Jinyoung waves with a smile that provokes Jaebum to no end. He closes his eyes to compose himself. "You're in props, right Mark?" miss Kwon askes him and he nods. "Well, we have just about 60 days  **(A/N: If further in the story the number magically changes, it's because I'm not quite sure how long I need this to be at this point.)**  to have this ready for the show, so let's get started. Jaebum and Youngjae, we start with the opening scene. Youngjae, you walk in as Jaebum mentions the memory," Youngjae bows his head and smiles before leaving the stage with everyone else. Jaebum simply nods before beginning his monologue. With only a few glances down at the paper, Jaebum does well. Youngjae steps onto the stage and stands behind Jaebum.

"That's not quite how it went, was it?" Youngjae chuckles as dryly as he possibly can and the scene continues. They do it over several times, each time the two hear the same comments.

"Youngjae, you need to tone down the nice."

"Jaebum, you should be purer. The innocence doesn't shine through."

Youngjae does his best with each attempt, finding it hard to capture the role. Jaebum does his best, finding it hard to look down at the prompter who is still wearing a big smirk on his face and making sure he gives it his all.

"Let's look at the next scene before you can go home. Work on the things I mentioned for next time okay? Take a short break for now."

There is one question roaming Youngjae's mind now: How can he convince the crowd that he is evil?

Jackson finds himself doing quite different work from what he had expected. He is placed with Mark, painting props. As they paint clouds, not saying much because Mark is a quiet guy and Jackson is concentrated, BamBam and Yugyeom approach them.

"Did you see Youngjae out there?" Jackson looks up, shaking his head. "He's struggling with the whole 'being evil' thing," BamBam explains with air quotes. Mark looks up from the cloud too. "Jaebum is struggling with being good too."

"What can be done about it?" Silence takes its place between the four boys. Mark opens his mouth only to close it again. Jackson notices this. "Mark, was it?" Mark nods. "Did you have an idea?"

"Well... They could help each other, couldn't they? If Youngjae is naturally kind and Jaebum is naturally... Complex, they can teach each other."

"That's smart," Yugyeom thinks aloud, looking over at BamBam who is nodding, convinced of the idea.

"You're smart," Jackson points his paintbrush at Mark, smiling in amusement and surprise. Mark looks down at the brush in his hands as he dips it in white paint with a smile on his face.

"I'll go talk to Youngjae," BamBam announces and leaves with Yugyeom following him trustfully as always. Jackson takes one last fascinated glance at Mark before continuing to paint the cloud white.

BamBam fills Youngjae in on the new idea.

"I'll try but he scares me," Youngjae admits, making BamBam chuckle and Yugyeom lets out a nervous laugh. He tightens his grip on BamBam's arm that he has been holding onto since they approached Jackson and Mark.

"Try."

In the red sea of chairs, Jinyoung has sat himself down in front of Jaebum, trying to convince him of the exact same thing. "Shut up. You know Mark is right," Jinyoung argues after being shot down by Jaebum. "I'm not only doing this because of a stupid bet, you know. It's good for you..." Jinyoung stands back up and walks away, not wishing to dive further into that hole. His speciality is to dip his toe in the water and withdraw it again. Maybe that way Jaebum will get curious enough to dive in?

Youngjae stays seated on the edge of the stage as teachers and students grab their bags and leave. He shares a look with Jackson to let his friends know that they should go without him.

"You aren't mean enough for your part." Youngjae shoots his head up to find Jaebum in the middle of the red ocean with his chin and arms leaning on the chair in front of him.

"You aren't nice enough for yours." Youngjae feels guilty as soon as the words leave his mouth. He is not one to be so brutal with words. He blames it on the nerves.

"There we go. A little more of that and you should do well."

"You're actually pretty good. I'm sorry I phrased it like that," Youngjae admits, looking down at his hands. He hears a loud sigh coming from the other boy.

"Don't apologise. Stop caring about hurting my feelings, plus it's true what you said. Listen, Youngjae... Why don't we help each other out since I'm stuck here anyway?" Youngjae looks up from his fiddling hands. "You help me become an angel and I help you become a demon."

"How will we go about that?" Jaebum shrugs his shoulders.

"I guess we'll find out." Jaebum stands up, grabbing his bag. "Tomorrow after school. There's no rehearsal so let's meet then." Youngjae agrees, sending him a daring smile. Jaebum hesitates before accepting his smile with a nod.

The walk home is Youngjae's time alone with his thoughts. Youngjae surprises himself as to how far out thoughts can go in fifteen minutes.

Jaebum seems to be giving into the concept but then again you can never know with him. He is great on stage but as soon as the break starts he goes sulking in one of the red chairs. He seemed very angry that day where they had been given the roles and Youngjae had noticed his annoyance over his friends' presence at the rehearsal today. Jaebum is rude and lacks respect for a lot of people and he's never afraid to throw his fists around. If Jaebum would just smile now and again maybe he would look a lot kinder. His eyes might be hard but they are quite beautiful and the two moles on his left eyelid are angelic enough to have been the reason he landed that role. His ear piercings add to his tough image but they sure do suit him. His broad shoulders, pumped arms and slender fingers are something that will haunt any girl's dreams. He sure is a sight and it doesn't surprise Youngjae that all the girls look his way when he comes walking down the hall. He must admit he has done it too.

Youngjae realises that he's biting his lip, cutting him out of his trance. He slaps himself because there's no need to sexualise Jaebum in his mind more than Jaebum himself already makes it hard not to. There's no need to make it harder to work with him than it already is. There's no need to make Jaebum more of a reason not to be happy...


	2. Paced Progress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey yall, this is back. I'm not completely satisfied with this chapter but I promise that this story is gonna get more interesting later on.

**Day 2 – Friday**

Youngjae never spotted the two moles on Im Jaebum's left eyelid before they had started working together. They are very elegantly placed and contrast his rough eyes perplexingly. Youngjae never imagined that he would be sitting on top of a desk in an empty classroom, staring intensely but unintendedly into Im Jaebum's eyes. He never imagined that he would be this calm in the company of the boy who makes Yugyeom's legs shake with fear. It is dead quiet in the classroom and Jaebum is getting awkward and sick of avoiding Youngjae's intense gaze.

"Yo, should we start?" Youngjae blinks twice, returning from his daze. He goes red in the face because he has only ever read about getting lost in someone like this and had never expected that this exact man would draw him in like that.

"Sorry..."  _Never let that happen again._

"How do we start?"

"Why don't we try to explain the concepts of each word." Jaebum nods.

"I'll start." Youngjae straightens his back and readies himself for Jaebum's next words. Jaebum clears his throat. "Evil. Evil isn't always evil... That might be a good place to start. Evil is evil when there's something to be evil for. Evil doesn't just trigger itself but when evil has a reason to be evil it makes a lot of unfair decisions." Youngjae listens closely, nodding after each sentence and taking mental notes of everything. "Evil is not necessarily selfish. It just doesn't care about the damage it does for whatever mission it might have... I think that's all I have for now. Your turn."

"Good is," Youngjae starts and a smile spreads across his face as he thinks for a second. "Good is when you don't need a reason. Good is being able to balance your own wellbeing and others'. That compromise is essential for a good person. Good is making others happiness become yours," Youngjae firmly nods, biting his lip. He is satisfied with his attempt at defining such a big word.

"Even good people are selfish."

"How so?" Youngjae asks curiously.

"Even if you save someone from getting run over or if you donate money to a charity it's because you feel good afterwards. If you got beat up for each good deed you did a lot fewer people would do them."

"I wouldn't because I would know I had done something good for someone."

"Exactly my point. YOU would know that YOU had done something good for someone. If you'd get beat up, you could tell yourself how much more of a good of a person you are." Youngjae hesitates for a moment as he watches Jaebum smirk at him because he seems to be winning this discussion.

"What about the people who die in someone else's stead? If I jump in front of a car to save someone else."

"Let's say a kid is standing in front of a moving train and you push him away, getting run over, then you do it for the sake of your species, which is the instinct that lies in us all. Again, it's about yourself because you don't want your species to die out and even more so if it's family. Even if you die your genes live on." Youngjae frowns. "Did I just make the happiest kid at school depressed?" He throws his head back with a laugh.

"I'll have an answer to that the next time I see you," Youngjae pouts at the laughing boy in front of him. Jaebum looks kind this way. His laugh is less cold when Youngjae has him alone. Youngjae does not mention this because he knows perfectly well that it will make it end. He will become conscious of what he is doing. He never imagined that Jaebum would be this easy to talk to.

**Day 5 - Monday**

It's a sunny Monday and Jackson thinks he has gotten the best idea as he drags the others out the back door of the school for lunch, to sit in the grass to enjoy the spring air. His mind changes when they hear groaning and punches being thrown from around the corner of the school building. They hear angry yells that Youngjae can recognise as... Jaebum's? They find their new transfer student up against the brick wall of the school, getting hit by Jaebum. Jinyoung and Mark stand a few feet away spectating the scene. Youngjae runs towards them without a second of thought. Jackson runs after him in an attempt to stop him from what he is about to do.

"Are you crazy? Stop." He pulls Jaebum away from Donny, who Jackson offers a tissue for his bleeding nose. He sends him over to BamBam, who has Yugyeom clutching his arm in fear. They go him inside to wash the blood off of Donny.

"YOUNGJAE-AH!" Jaebum roars and Youngjae takes a step back in fear. Jaebum grabs his shirt. "For every good deed, eh?" Jaebum growls and as Jackson has rolled up his sleeves, about to step in Jaebum's fist collides with Youngjae's cheek. He lets Youngjae hit the ground.

"You're insane," Jackson speaks with flaring nostrils, crouched down next to Youngjae. Jaebum takes a step towards them before Jinyoung steps in.

"That's enough, Jaebum." The rest of Jinyoung's words are too silent for Youngjae and Jackson to hear but it they seem to calm him down. His eyes meet Youngjae's for a second as he leaves. Mark stops and offers his hand to Youngjae, who takes it and stands up from the ground. Mark looks at the two with an apologetic look as he leaves to catch up with his friends.

Youngjae stands paralysed in the grass with Jaebum's words from the day before ringing through his mind.

_When evil has a reason to be evil it makes a lot of unfair decisions._

"I never thought he'd actually..." Youngjae trails off and Jackson pulls him close to his chest with a serious look on his face. Youngjae feels how fast his friend's heart is beating. It makes the situation sink in further.

"Be careful what you get yourself into Youngjae," Jackson speaks with a shaky voice. He takes a deep breath.

BamBam and Yugyeom come back a few minutes later. They spot the forming bruise on Youngjae's cheek instantly, figuring out the cause of it without much difficulty. Yugyeom's face falls and BamBam's arms are already wrapped around Youngjae's neck.

"It's okay. I can take a punch or two."

"Be careful Youngjae."

"Of course, I just didn't think he'd really hit me."

"I'm amazed that you even went over there. Everyone's terrified of Jaebum, especially Yugyeom here," BamBam teases

"I am not," Yugyeom pouts, crossing his arms stubbornly.

"I think you are. You were clinging to my arm just at the sight of him."

"Shut up," Yugyeom mutters before cracking a smile.

"Pathetic," Jaebum mumbles as he watches the four boys from a classroom on the second floor as they roll around the grass, laughing and playing around. Jinyoung gives him another one of his infamous looks. This one is the 'you went too far this time' look. Jaebum does not appreciate this one as much. "He got in the way."

"Shut up," is all Jinyoung says because the look has said what he wants it to and words get so complicated when the person in mind is too.

Jaebum's finger twitches and his jaw clenches. For some unknown reason, a tear attempts to escape Jaebum's eye without permission. The last time he cried in the company of someone was the day he woke up in the hospital with his mother and best friend next to him who were looking like someone had died.

"We'll go eat." Jinyoung knows what it means when Jaebum has his back turned like that. Mark does too because the closer you get to Jaebum, the easier he is to read. He puts up a façade but at some point, it becomes transparent, making it easy to see how he's really doing. As the door closes behind the two, Jaebum manages to push the tear back.

"Get it together you weakling."

Youngjae forgets about the incident for the rest of the day until rehearsal. As everyone leaves the auditorium, Youngjae is confronted by Jaebum.

"Wanna work on the roles together before we go home?"

"I think I'll figure it out just fine on my own." Youngjae smiles at Jaebum for a short moment because his kindness even stretches far enough for this situation. He walks past Jaebum.

"Youngjae," Jaebum calls.

"I have to get going. I'll see you tomorrow." Youngjae breathes out the air he held in. His thoughts are messy and whenever he blinks he can feel a slight sting on the cheekbone where Jaebum hit him.

Youngjae lies in bed that night with a horrible feeling in his stomach because tomorrow's practice is longer than the one today and he's not sure he wants to be in the same room as Jaebum for that long at a time. His friends are much warier during rehearsals now too. Jaebum didn't look sorry today but there was something different about his eyes. Youngjae realises that they actually looked even colder than normal. He wonders if it has to do with him. He lets that thought pass because why should big and bad Im Jaebum be affected by little and good Choi Youngjae.

Choi Youngjae has one mole on his bottom eyelid. Im Jaebum has two on his top eyelid. That's the difference and now Youngjae thinks that he has a comeback to the point that Jaebum made in the empty classroom that Friday.

**Day 6 - Tuesday**

Jaebum and his friends sit down on a bench outside for lunch. Jinyoung is sitting on the back lean with his feet next to Jaebum, concentrated on eating his green apple and Mark is quietly drinking soup from his thermos. Jaebum is sitting in between the two with his little box of cigarettes in his hands and a sandwich (that his mother made him). He eats it quickly and throws a cigarette in his mouth. He can't help but glance around the school grounds from where he's sitting. He translates the odd cramping in the pit of his stomach as a feeling that Youngjae might come back. It crosses his mind that it might be hope but he's forgotten what that feels like and why would he hope for Youngjae to come back? He has no answer, therefore it cannot be.

This is the square logic of Im Jaebum.

Youngjae looks for Jaebum during the lunch break despite yesterday's events and Youngjae's promise that they would work separately from now on. He finds him outside on a bench with Mark and Jinyoung. He tells his own friends to wait, not wanting to troop up with everyone. They let Youngjae go alone very unwillingly but keep a watch in case anything should happen again.

Jaebum spots him from afar. As Youngjae comes closer, Jaebum glances at the cheek that is still slightly red, nothing much, before he sighs and lets Youngjae have his attention.

"I realised something yesterday," Youngjae begins nervously. "I think I know why good isn't selfish." Jaebum nods and Jinyoung furrows his eyebrows. Mark spectates, as always not giving anything away with his still face. "I'm not sure how to explain it really. It has to do with dignity and honour I think. It's quantity over quality almost, not to offend you or anything," Youngjae rambles. It doesn't help much that Jaebum just looks and listens with that mockingly smug smile on his face. Youngjae takes a deep breath before explaining further. "A good person doesn't mind throwing away their dignity to save someone else. An evil person finds dignity to be something not to mess with, it's the only thing they let control them... What I'm getting at is that if dignity and honour is everything, why was I willing to throw all of that away yesterday to help some kid that I've known for a few days and only spoken to twice. It's not like he was gonna die."

"You've got a point kiddo," Jaebum admits and Youngjae's smile finds its way back to his lips. "Is the deal back on?" Youngjae nods because he was never one to hold grudges and Jaebum can seem so nice in moments like this one. Youngjae is aware that he might be getting deceived but something about Jaebum has made him believe otherwise.

"Should we meet after today's practice?" Jaebum seals the deal with a firm nod and a trail of smoke blowing out of his nostrils. Youngjae turns around to find his friends waving at him from their spot by a tree a bit away.

"His friends are kinda odd." Youngjae pretends not to hear Jaebum's comment because he knows that his opinion doesn't matter and he doesn't need another punch to the face.

"Jackson is cool," Mark says and Youngjae smiles as he walks out of the hearing range and over to his three friends, smiling happily at him. BamBam dabs and accidentally hits Jackson in the face, who protests very loudly. Yugyeom laughs at the whole scene and Youngjae attempts to stop BamBam from dabbing again.  _They are kind of odd,_ he thinks warmly.

"Let's find a place to sit before the break ends," Youngjae chuckles and the situation thankfully defuses, as funny as it was to watch.

In their Korean lesson Yugyeom is sitting next to Youngjae, constantly asking questions because his creativity lies with dance and not ideas for essays that have to involve similar themes as the one they had read the previous week (Yugyeom had only skimmed through it, making this even more of a difficult task). Youngjae, the angel, does the best he can to help his clueless friend and do his own work at the same time. As Yugyeom seems to be getting an idea of what he's doing, Youngjae tries to focus on his own paper but ends up zoning out. He looks out of the window. He spots Jaebum in a corner of the school's yard with his phone pressed to his ear and a body language that screams worry. He is running his free hand through his hair every two seconds and he keeps reaching for his cigarettes only to put them back in his pocket. He stands completely still for a moment before his tense shoulders fall in relief and Youngjae finds himself doing the same, suddenly becoming conscious of where he is, earning himself a weird stare from Yugyeom.

"I was just thinking..." Youngjae explains to Yugyeom in a whisper. He chuckles at Youngjae's flustered cheeks and confused look. Youngjae stares down at his paper as his curiosity is making him rot with the question of who Jaebum was talking to. He couldn't very well ask as he was pretty certain he would enrage the beast and no one, especially not Youngjae, would want to do that.

BamBam is in the school basement looking through old costumes with the other costume kids. Yugyeom is goofing around backstage with the other dancers. Jackson is finally getting to use his muscles with the props backstage, carrying their well painted clouds out on stage to see how they look with Jaebum and Youngjae acting in the midst of them. On the topic of the two, they have gotten better since their first rehearsal, although there is still work to be done according to the director. Jinyoung is sitting in his little box and helping out because they already attempt the scenes without script "for feeling", as Miss Kwon says. Mark helps Jackson carry stuff, not saying much but listening to Jacksons many comments about the things happening around him.

"Wonder if the dance team will be ready to perform when all they do is chat and fuck around."

"Youngjae seems to be shining like the sunshine he is."

"These clouds weigh a lot but that's no problem for the strong China man."

"Mark, do you know if they have any free food around? All this carrying makes me hungry."

"What in the world is BamBam wearing? I hope he isn't planning to put that on poor Youngjae."

"Don't you think that prop girl stares at me a lot? I mean, I am the strong China man slash cute Wang puppy. What more could anyone want?"

Jaebum puts a concerned hand on Youngjae's shoulder (too hesitantly), who pushes it away (too softly) and looks back into Jaebum's innocent eyes (too cold). Jaebum begs Youngjae to see sense, to show mercy to the man (too indifferently). Youngjae laughs (too warmly) at the crazy suggestion.

They end rehearsals after a couple of hours of hard work. "Good work boys. We'll get there. Keep up whatever it is you're doing," she smiles as she gathers her papers and leaves the room.

"You're staying, right?" Yugyeom asks Youngjae, cautiously avoiding Jaebum as much as possible. He nods at his nervous friend. "We'll go home without you then. See you tomorrow."

"Sure thing. See ya," he waves with a big smile on his face. His friends wave back as they leave Youngjae alone with Jaebum, the boy who made his cheek swell up and turn a sad shade of blue.

"I liked what you said earlier," Jaebum starts their session. "About pride. I never mentioned pride, so it was well spotted."

"Thank you," Youngjae smiles at the compliment. "It just kind of came to me last night." Even Youngjae's shrug is light and kind. Jaebum wonders how that can be. Jaebum realises the size of the task at hand.

"It got me thinking about 'good' and I think I have something. Please stop me if I'm wrong." Youngjae notes the please as progress. Jaebum sits down in a red chair and Youngjae takes the seat next to him, careful not to touch him because he's afraid of anything that might trigger the explosive boy beside him.

"Go on then," Youngjae smiles at Jaebum as their eyes meet. Jaebum takes a quick look at the mole under Youngjae's right eye. He hadn't noticed it before but it suits the boy and it could be able to contribute to his evil look.

"So, if good is being able to put pride aside for more or less anyone, then I guess good is more than I thought it was." He stops for a second because this is a complicated matter. "I always had the idea that evil was braver than good because evil dares to do things that good does not but it's not that simple. Good doesn't chooses not to beat someone up because it's scared, obviously, since you walked right into the fight, but good chooses not to beat someone up because it cares about everyone. That's brave too because you sacrifice your pride, your... Face."  _He gestures to Youngjae's blue cheekbone._ "Sometimes even your life. It's a lot more than just being a wuss..." Youngjae smiles because it sounds like Jaebum is understanding slowly. As much as Youngjae doesn't mind the haters (it says so on a Facebook status from 2011), he also appreciates being understood and Jaebum is letting that happen right now.

"Thank you," Youngjae finds himself saying, doing his deep dorky laugh for the first time in front of Jaebum. Jaebum pretends to harshly chuckle at the stupid comment because Youngjae can't know that Jaebum kind of thought that was cute.  _Kind of._

"No problem." He winks at Youngjae and Youngjae pretends that nothing stirred in him because Jaebum is straight and is probably allergic to homosexuality so...

"Can I ask you a question, Jaebum?"

"It sounds so serious when you call me Jaebum. Only teachers and my mum call me that... And Jinyoung when he's had enough of me," Jaebum laughs nervously and so does Youngjae. He pretends that he didn't see the change in Jaebum's eyes as he mentioned his mother. "But sure, go ahead."

"Why did you audition if you didn't want to?"

"I lost a bet. I never thought I'd actually get chosen," Jaebum speaks bitterly.

"What was the bet if you don't mind me asking?"

"If Jinyoung could get Mother Theresa to fuck him I, stupidly, told him that I'd audition for the play and that of course meant that I had to go through with it if I actually got picked."

"Aaaah, that's why Riley and Jinyoung ran past us so quickly that day," Youngjae thinks out loud as the coin drops in his mind. "I'm guessing you meant Riley..." He trails off and Jaebum nods.

"Why did you audition as the demon and not the angel?"

"It seemed like a fun challenge but now I'm not sure if I can do it," Youngjae looks around the room, worry filling his innocent eyes.

"It might take a while but you'll get there," Jaebum comforts. It seems uncomfortable for him but Youngjae appreciates it either way because it is rare to get Jaebum like this; surprisingly open and sitting this close to Youngjae. He likes to look at Jaebum because there's so much to look at. He loves the many ear piercings that work so well for him. Youngjae has a few too but not nearly as many as Jaebum and he's positive that Jaebum pulls them off ten times better than he does. Youngjae somehow finds Jaebum's cold eyes lurking. Youngjae finds something in them that not many people do. He finds a softness in there that Jaebum doesn't want to show anyone and it annoys him that Youngjae just takes it without asking.  _Even speaking as the bad guy between the two, he finds it quite rude of him._

"At this rate, we'll have done a complete personality switch by the time of the play," Youngjae jokes and succeeds at getting a genuine laugh out of Jaebum at the crazy thought of that happening.

"I would love to see that." His smile stays smeared on his face even after he has stopped laughing and Youngjae can't help but smile back at it.

"Your genuine smile is angelic. Remember that for rehearsal tomorrow." Jaebum's face goes stiff as his smile falls. He looks up at Youngjae and his eyes have grown cold once again. As Youngjae had expected his words made Jaebum very conscious of his facial movements. Jaebum wants to ask Youngjae what it was that made him think the smile was genuine but he cannot bring himself to it because somehow making Youngjae's smile fade like that seems like the kind of sin that not even Jaebum will be able to carry around shamelessly.

"We better wrap this up."

 


	3. Growling Gambles

****Day 7 - Wednesday** **

When Youngjae isn’t around it is much easier for Jaebum to act harshly and he is finding it increasingly frustrating that whenever Youngjae is in the same room as him, his whole person softens. Mark and Jinyoung have both noticed but they don’t mention it to him, instead they share glances as they watch how his voice drips honey when it is speaking to Youngjae. They observe how Youngjae’s laugh makes him laugh too and they know, to some extent, what that means. Mark gets up from Jinyoung’s side as the prop team’s break ends. He goes back to the brush and the paint, sitting across from Jackson as they work on the background for the scene where Youngjae has disguised himself as a TV repairman to win over the human that the two are fighting over. Youngjae tries to turn him bad, while Jaebum tries to turn him good. Youngjae uses filthy tricks and mantras while Jaebum does his best to go by the rules.

“Jaebum is softening,” Mark tells Jackson. He looks up in surprise because Mark rarely speaks and then he raises his eyebrows because he doesn’t believe what Mark is telling him. “It’s because of Youngjae,” he goes on. Jackson moves forward in his chair in surprise.

“Seriously?” Mark nods. “Are you sure?” Mark nods again before pointing out at the two, who have just been sent on a break. Jackson's eyes shoot to where he is pointing. Jaebum is talking to Youngjae, then he ruffles his hair before leaving Youngjae there, probably to spend his break with Jinyoung. Youngjae’s smile doesn’t leave his face for a good ten seconds as he walks around in a little circle.

Jackson looks at Mark, back at Youngjae and back to Mark again. “They’re getting along,” Jackson nods at Mark.

“Jaebum never acts like that and as soon as Youngjae leaves the room he’s cold as ice again.” Mark raises his eyebrows knowingly and Jackson seems to be catching on further.

“He isn’t… Gay is he?”

“Oh, no no. Definitely not but I’m not sure how to identify that look because I’ve only ever seen his eyes that warm when he… I shouldn’t say.” Mark shakes his head and smiles apologetically at Jackson, who doesn’t nag him about it but notices the change of tone in Mark’s voice as he stops himself.

“I’ve actually noticed the difference in the way Youngjae speaks of him since last week when we started. He’s cutting him a lot of slack, despite the punch and everything. I don’t think it’s possible for Youngjae to truly hate though. He’s too forgiving but they both grew accustomed quicker than I thought they would.”

“Youngjae should still be careful. Jaebum’s rage is easily triggered if you say the wrong thing.”

“That doesn’t surprise me… Probably shouldn’t mention the gay thing then,” Jackson cracks up and Mark attempts to keep a straight face, failing quite miserably.

“Get your ass up and grab your bag. We’re going on a field trip today,” Jaebum instructs after rehearsal as Youngjae and himself have been left alone in the auditorium. Youngjae does as he is told, following Jaebum out of the room. Youngjae’s curiosity goes beyond waiting to see where he is being lead to. He looks at Jaebum with questioning eyes but he doesn’t notice.

“Where are we going?”

“Would you agree that bad guys are bigger risk takers than good guys? To make sure I don’t contradict what I said yesterday I would like to point out that I mean a selfish... Stupid, if you will, risks and therefore saving someone from a beating doesn’t count.”

“In that case, yes, probably.”

“Okay… Let’s go then.” Youngjae gets nervous because angels don’t like selfish or stupid, if you will (and Youngjae sure will), risks. He grabs a hold of Jaebum’s sleeve, tugging on it. Jaebum looks over his shoulder to find Youngjae’s eyes glistening with fear.

“We aren’t doing something dangerous, are we?” Jaebum chuckles and his smile calms Youngjae because it seems taken aback by his question and that feels comforting.

“It’s nothing like that. Just follow me, okay?” Youngjae nods and they walk for a while towards an area that Youngjae rarely visits. They turn a corner onto a narrow street. Youngjae gets scared by the atmosphere because Jaebum is starts walking faster and Youngjae almost has to run to keep up. They stop in front of a very shady-looking entrance. Jaebum knocks a beat on the door and it cracks open. Someone eyes Jaebum before opening the door.

“That play thing?” The man asks Jaebum with a chuckle that says, ‘I don’t understand but I won’t ask’. Jaebum winks.

“Is it quiet in there?” Jaebum asks the man.

“Not exactly, 5 pm is a real rush hour for a place like this,” he says sarcastically and pats Jaebum on the arm with an amused smile.

“Thanks, T.” Jaebum winks another time at this ‘T’ as Youngjae examines him subtly. T seems friendly but his appearance makes Youngjae feel uneasy. His arms are tattooed and his piercings aren’t as flattering as Jaebum’s. He must be somewhere in his thirties and he even has a very visible stubble. Youngjae smiles politely as they walk past him into a room that looks ten times more glamorous than the dark entrance they just stood in. The carpeted floors have a seemingly glamourous red colour. There’s a bar and several tables with- Youngjae stops breathing.

“A casino?” Jaebum nods. Youngjae’s eyes go wide as he begins to freak out. “But it’s illegal here.” Youngjae starts to breathe funny and Jaebum gives him a deadly look.

“Relax. This is a very exclusive place so there aren’t any shady types around.” Youngjae decides to keep his mouth shut even though he has thought of a million more reasons why they should not be here. Instead, he asks a pressing question.

“Do you gamble?”

“Not really. I’ve only been here to talk to T. It’s just good for getting my point across and you need to learn to take risks. This seems like a neat place to start.” Youngjae gives him a nervous look. “You don’t need to spend any money. I’ll donate to show kindness and you gamble away because you’ll take risks and you’ll do it with someone else’s money.”

It’s a Wednesday so the place is deserted except for a man in a custom-made suit with a pink drink in his hand and the workers who are all dressed very nicely in white shirts and burgundy vests.

“What now?” Youngjae asks, feeling out of place and nervous about the atmosphere. He looks around at the many different tables before his gaze once again lands on Jaebum who has his eyes on a certain one.

“Blackjack.” He is about to grab Youngjae’s wrist when he stops himself and plays it off as a wave for Youngjae to follow him. Youngjae doesn’t notice anything and follows Jaebum over to the table, still unsure about the whole situation. He has ever been in a place like this and so he ends up sitting in a chair next to Jaebum, completely still, afraid that anything he does can be categorised as cheating or something else that can get him thrown out or worse. “You have to get as close to 21 without going higher. Ace is one or 11 and picture cards count as 10. You’ll receive two cards when the game starts and you decide if you want more cards. You’re playing against the dealer who has one card facing upwards and another that isn’t. When you don’t want more cards his cards are revealed too. If he wins you lose the money and opposite if you win. There are more rules but it’ll get too complicated. Give it a go.” Jaebum proceeds to explain the hand movements to Youngjae with the help of the friendly dealer, who makes Youngjae less nervous about the whole thing. Jaebum hands Youngjae some of his cash and Youngjae stares over at Jaebum because he already feels horrible for using Jaebum’s money like this. He shoves the money in his hands anyway.

Youngjae starts small with the money and the dealer places the tokens that match on the table and deals the cards for Youngjae and himself. They add up to 19 and Youngjae feels a sudden rush of confidence. He loses because the dealer has a perfect 21. He frowns at Jaebum, who looks amused with a warm smile that he doesn’t even realise is smeared across his face.

Youngjae gives it another go and this time his cards add up to a seven and he asks for another card. He asks for a fourth card and his total ends up being a perfect 21. The dealer only has 13 and Youngjae proudly wins his money back. He beams at Jaebum who is smiling even wider now because a happy Youngjae is something that Jaebum quickly has learnt to be difficult to hate, even for the very best. A fact that only Jaebum thought he could concur, but having hurt Youngjae once, he already knows that it is going to be impossible. He tries his best to hold onto the normal version of himself, even when Youngjae drops smiles at him now and again but it never goes very well. Jaebum has realised that their strangely deep discussions about the good and the evil has made their relationship somewhat special. They aren’t exactly close but Jaebum has a scared suspicion that they will be. They share a certain part of themselves that they would never have put into words if it hadn’t been for this play. Something that Jaebum is starting to accept because he’s in now and he might as well try. Jinyoung does this for Jaebum, and Jaebum should be doing it for himself too because Jinyoung tells him that it’s good for him but Jaebum is doing to for Youngjae.  _Not that anyone has to know that_   _(including himself)._

“Tell me more about why you brought me here,” Youngjae requests as he ends another game with a loss. They both look down at the cards as they speak. The dealer pretends that he isn’t listening in because that’s kind of the job. Another game starts as Jaebum speaks.

“Evil is like gambling. Other’s misfortune is your luck… If you put that into a broader perspective it’s like whatever it is that the others love, you probably have something negative to say about and things that are seen as bad are most likely good to you.” Youngjae furrows his eyebrows at Jaebum, who sighs as he thinks of a better way to explain it. “Think of it like this; when you’re the bad guy, 13 is your lucky number.” These words are way over Youngjae’s head but he nods, making sure to keep that in mind.

“Even when I tease people I’m friendly about it.” Youngjae shows his concern through the tone of which he speaks these words and Jaebum chuckles. He finds Youngjae’s worried statement funny because of the utter truth that Jaebum knows it is. Youngjae ends the last game having won a very small amount of money in total. Jaebum tells him to keep it. It takes everything in Youngjae not to refuse but Jaebum’s eyes pierce his soul as he tells him not to.

“It’s nice that you offer me the money but when your eyes basically threaten me to take them, it doesn’t seem so genuine. You have to do it out of the kindness of your heart or at least make it look like you are,” Youngjae reviews as they leave the casino. “It’s like a holy trinity, and I bet this goes for evil too, you have the mind, the body and the words. If one of these isn’t in on it, you cannot seem genuinely good. If you are saying it with words and you’re using the right body language you can still tell from a flat tone or look in the eye that you don’t mean it one bit.”

“How do I make my mind good?” Jaebum asks, confused.

“Well, think of something that is worth being good for and use that as a reason to be good. Think of that when you act.” Jaebum looks like he knows exactly what to be good for and it makes Youngjae a deadly kind of curious. Jaebum finds it odd that there is more than one reason popping into his head, and he doesn’t like that it was Youngjae who snuck into his mind for a split second without Jaebum’s control. It’s not because Jaebum is getting particularly close to the boy. It’s just because Youngjae smiles so much that it’s hard not to, Jaebum tells himself.

“You know how I said the first time, that evil is only evil when there’s a reason. Basically, I meant that you never just do bad things. There’s always a reason or a motive; something that drives you. That’s the same thing.”

“What’s yours?”

“Anger?” He doesn’t state it with confidence because he is only truly discovering this now, which might make Jaebum seem like a clueless idiot. This is one thing he is not. Jaebum is aware of his anger but he never acknowledges it. He never acknowledges that it is the reason for his doings but something about Youngjae makes it okay to admit this, out loud even. He grows cold at the thought.

“Coming from where?” Suddenly Youngjae’s questions annoy him. He doesn’t care for nosy people. They expect an answer as if they are close enough for that. Jaebum doesn’t think the conversations count for anything like he did just a moment ago, and Youngjae has no way of knowing what he did until he hears the answer that Jaebum gives.

“Nosy people like you most likely.” Youngjae feels the coldness return to his voice and he shuts up. He doesn’t even say sorry because he’s afraid of saying anything to the angry Im Jaebum. “Let’s go home now. See you tomorrow,” Jaebum says coldly without one glance at Youngjae.

“Wait, Jaebum…” Jaebum stops. “I don’t think I know where we are. How do I get home?” Youngjae looks around the alley. He didn’t pay attention when they walked and as he realised earlier this is not the part of town he frequents the most. Jaebum doesn’t reply but he walks back to Youngjae and grabs his arm. He drags Youngjae all the way back to school. The silence makes the walk feel very long even though they are walking so fast that Youngjae is barely able to keep his face away from the pavement.

“I’m guessing you can find your way home from here.” Youngjae is left to himself with an empty feeling and day well ruined. It’s been a week and it’s not the first time. Youngjae sits down on the pavement because sadness wears him out. Jaebum’s sadness wears him out. His anger comes from sadness but where does his sadness come from?

Jaebum walks home with his head low and his thoughts darker than normal. He made the smile of an angel disappear and not even Jaebum can carry such a sin around shamelessly.

Youngjae calls the group chat, crying. Jackson is running up to him 15 minutes later with BamBam and Yugyeom on their way too. He looks down at Youngjae whose eyes are puffy and puppy-like.

“I broke the law.” Youngjae’s voice is small. Jackson curses his soft heart as tears threaten to fall from his own eyes. He knows Youngjae feels guilty about doing something like that but he also knows that Youngjae isn’t crying just because he’s been in a casino for less than 30 minutes. He isn’t  _that_  innocent.

“It’s okay Youngjae. Don’t cry.” He holds back the tears as he wraps his arms around poor Youngjae’s body.

“I don’t understand,” Youngjae repeats. Jackson rocks him back and forth and Youngjae’s tears start to slip up. He sobs his last sob into Jackson's designer jacket and Jackson gets him back up on his feet.

“It’s okay that you don’t understand,” Jackson comforts. “Take a few deep breaths.” Youngjae does so, making his breathing grow steady again. BamBam comes running, bringing his arms all the way around Youngjae and some of Jackson too. Less than a minute later Yugyeom comes running and wraps his longs arms around all three of them.

“Don’t cry Youngjae!” Yugyeom yells desperately.

“He seemed all too angelic,” Youngjae sniffs. His friends look at each other hopelessly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi, it's me. I'll try to update weekly and if that doesn't happen then biweekly at least ;) love yall!


	4. Tainted Talks

****Day 8 – Thursday** **

“Still down from yesterday?” BamBam raises his eyebrows as he puts the jacket on Youngjae. “This might work,” he says, mainly to himself. Jaebum is standing somewhere across the backstage area also being dressed up, which enables them to talk about him without him hearing.

“He started smiling a lot since all of this began but as soon as I give him the wrong compliment or ask him the wrong question he gets all cold and snappy. It’s hard to be around someone so bipolar,” Youngjae whines to BamBam who gives him a sympathetic smile.

“You know, I think he’s just finding the change hard. I know that there is supposed to be a change. It’s the whole point, but I think it is going a lot closer and more personal than he had expected and wanted. That’s just my take on it,” Bambam shrugs. He always has a theory and it’s more than often correct. Youngjae feels hopeless. He’s feels unarmed for the situations where Jaebum gets defensive. Youngjae is too stubborn to stop asking questions and giving compliments.  _Jaebum will just have to learn to open up._ Youngjae is not necessarily sure that he has a mindset tactical enough for a task like that.

“I don’t think we’re gonna stay behind today,” Youngjae thinks out loud. BamBam smiles compassionately at Youngjae. He heard the strain in Youngjae's voice that is screaming disappointment.

“Is it the play or is it the boy?” BamBam asks. Youngjae furrows his eyebrows and BamBam raises his sassily in response. “Are you disappointed because you don’t get to practice the character or because you don’t get to spend your daily alone time with Im Jaebum?” BamBam cocks his head to the side and Youngjae looks down at his feet. He shrugs.

BamBam sighs and puts a comforting hand on Youngjae’s shoulder. “Let’s see about Jaebum. Take off the costume now,” BamBam soothes his friend and escorts him back to the changing rooms that have been set up. BamBam goes inside with him.

“I like Jaebum’s small moles, you know, right above his left eye.” BamBam smiles at Youngjae’s confession. He stays silent as he watches his friend undress and redress with a strange smile on his face and a worried look.  _It’s about the boy, isn’t it?_

Youngjae keeps an eye on Jaebum as Mrs Kwon dismisses them. One armed, he hugs his friends and they turn to leave without him and so Youngjae gestures for his own friends to go too. The room becomes thick with the silence surrounding them as the students leave in groups.

“There’s a lot for you to learn. I think it’s my turn to teach today.” Jaebum looks up at Youngjae on the stage. Youngjae fills the room very differently today. He has got a firm look in his eye that is far too controlling and dominant for Youngjae, the sunshine boy. Somehow it works and Jaebum is taken aback. Usually, the atmosphere is made light from Youngjae’s presence but today it’s heavy and... Domestic.

“What’s the lesson?” Jaebum keeps his voice as cool as he can manage. Yesterday has left a mark on them both. The guilt is gnawing him, which he doesn’t know how to deal with because it is no normal emotion for Jaebum. Youngjae points his index finger to a spot on the stage right next to him. Jaebum raises his eyebrows to which Youngjae raises his in return and Jaebum obliges.

“A good person cares about the people around them, well everyone, but especially the people around them. Even if they hate someone they still do their best to find the positive things about that person, which leads me to your assignment. I know you might not like me very much but you have to try and find the qualities you believe I have and compliment me.” Youngjae ends the sentence cheerfully and smiles at Jaebum before he tunes his face back to his powerful expression and relocks eyes with Jaebum. Somehow Youngjae convinces Jaebum with his dominating eyes and that smile that he was so casually wearing for a short moment. The one as bright as the sun itself. Jaebum’s lips grow thin and Youngjae takes a step closer to him.

Jaebum huffs. “Okay then.”

There’s a pause, lasting approximately seven seconds (Youngjae was counting) before Jaebum speaks up. The pause is silent outside of Jaebum’s mind whereas the inside is loud as a recording of a heavy metal concert in a storm being played on full volume in a huge echoing room - let’s translate that – Inside of Jaebum’s mind words are flying around. The word that first pops into his otherwise dark mine is ‘smile’. He pictures the smile and his thoughts are painted with every colour of the rainbow by Youngjae himself. He is reminded of the bravery, the will and the determination that all go hand in hand with Youngjae. He is reminded of the ability to find a hidden smile stuck somewhere in shitty situations. The constant love for everyone, as he has just said himself; even love for someone like Im Jaebum, the grim (his words not mine). He remembers that look when they spoke the first few times. It was not fear but there was something there that turned into never ending curiosity within a couple of days. The occasional insecurities or fears that pop up here and there and how honestly he presents them without any shame or reluctance. Then there’s that goddamn mole under his eye. That mole that Jaebum wants to touch. He remembers the earrings and he glances. He wants to bite them.  _wait. No. That’s definitely not true. Just got carried away because earrings look good on girls. Girls._

“You… You’re brave.”

“Better than that. Make the compliment less stiff. More creative.”

“You’re brave when you ask questions and you’re a certain kind of curious that makes one wonder.” Jaebum flinches and his right hand tightens to a fist as he suffers over having referred to himself as ‘one’ to try and divert Youngjae from the fact that he has just told him how he’s been wondering about him. Youngjae catches the flinch and the fist. He raises both of his eyebrows (he dearly wishes to raise only one but has never acquired that skill, much to his own annoyance).

“You wonder?” Youngjae asks, cocking his head to the side. He spots Jaebum jaw clenching and he keeps himself from showing fear. He’s supposed to be the demon, not Jaebum. Jaebum seems to remember this fact because he breathes out heavily and loosens his jaw.

“Yes, I’ve wondered about that when you’ve asked all of your questions.”

“Why did you wonder?”

“Because you know as well as I do that my anger can turn the mood around. I’ve punched you before because of my anger. Somehow you keep asking and you keep making me angry. You’re bravely curious and that’s a compliment.” Youngjae nods with a pleased smile on his face. He drops the demonic stare and Jaebum realises that he just complimented Youngjae to his face. The stare somewhat made it easier for him to talk about Youngjae’s qualities but now he’s smiling and there’s a different atmosphere in the room; one that’s stripping Jaebum of his armour, one that makes it hard for him to meet the warm eyes because they melt the ice in his own. They ruin him.

Youngjae feels pleased by the fact that he got Jaebum to talk about his thoughts and feelings without getting mad.  _Mission accomplished._

“I have another one for you before we can wrap up. Don’t get all pressed when I say what it is,” Youngjae warns with his index finger pointing right at Jaebum’s face. Jaebum sighs and Youngjae takes it as a go sign. “You have to hug me.” He nods firmly at Jaebum as his jaw drops an inch or two in utter surprise. He’s not good with hugs, at least not the kind Youngjae is suggesting. The only boy to ever have hugged him tightly is Jinyoung (and his dad) because there have been times where it was inevitable (Jaebum means comforting but Jaebum won’t admit that). Jaebum tries to understand the fright that is stinging him. The idea of hugging Youngjae is scaring him when, really, he thought he’d be,  _and should be,_  repulsed.

“I don’t think I can,” Jaebum mumbles.

“Sorry, I didn’t catch that. Speak up Jaebum,” Youngjae kindly requests.

“I don’t think I can do that, Youngjae.” Jaebum avoids eye contact but Youngjae regains it soon enough with his strong gaze that has changed into something Jaebum hasn’t seen in them before. Worry and concern spread across his features. He takes a daring step towards Jaebum.

“It’s okay, Jaebum. It’s just a hug and there’s no one here to see,” Youngjae reassures. He ponders on whether or not to comfort Jaebum with a hand on his shoulder but he’s pretty sure it’s a bad idea. Youngjae’s heart breaks at the pain in Jaebum’s eyes and he wishes for Jaebum to spit it out but he doesn’t ask. No need to be bravely curious at a painful time like this.

“I can’t.” He takes a step back from Youngjae. Another one and one more before he turns around and rushing out of the auditorium, leaving a sad and confused Youngjae alone once more. Youngjae cries again today but the tears he sheds are not for himself this time.

Jaebum pushes open the school’s main doors. His steps are big and hasty. He rushes out of the school gates and down the street. At this pace, he’ll reach home in 10 minutes time. He crosses streets before the light turns green and he slides past everyone with rushed ease. He reaches his building and wipes the one tear off his cheek before he opens the door and walks calmly up the stairs, composing himself. He reaches the door and he unlocks it. He makes his way to the living room, having only taken his shoes off.

“Sweetheart,” his mother smiles so kindly and Jaebum sits down next to her.

“How was your day, mum?” Her smile turns even sweeter and you’d think sugar would start spilling from her fingertips as she takes Jaebum’s hands in her own.

“You always care about my wellbeing, Jaebum. Don’t forget about your own. Are you taking good care of yourself out there?” Jaebum smiles at the only person who is allowed to see this smile. This smile that is a huge declaration of love.

“Of course, it’s just school, mum. I always take good care of myself… And Mark and Jinyoung,” he brushes a strand of her hair behind her ear and kisses her cheek. “I love you, mum.”

“I love you too, my son.” She looks at him with nothing but love. “How’s the play coming along?” Jaebum feels a strange sting in his chest as he remembers what he just ran from, who he just ran from.

“It’s going well. Rehearsals are going surprisingly well. The other lead and I are building up a good teamwork,” Jaebum says. It’s not untrue but it’s also not quite right and Jaebum knows that. He feels bad for lying to his mother but how can he tell her that he’s only an angel in her presence? How can he tell her that he has hurt so many people, including the real angel, Choi Youngjae?

“What was his name again?”

“Choi Youngjae,” Jaebum speaks and the sting gets a little worse.

“And he’s becoming a good friend?” He looks into those eyes. His biggest weakness. That and… Youngjae now apparently.

“Kind of, yes. It still hasn’t been long but we’ve had some really interesting talks about good and evil,” Jaebum nods.

“That sounds interesting. Ask him over for dinner one day,” she smiles and lets his hands go. “I’ll go out to the supermarket now so the two of us can have a nice dinner. You must be hungry,” she smiles and leaves the flat.

_How do you break to your mother that you’re a demon when she isn’t around?_

Jaebum throws his bag down and takes his jacket off in his room before slouching into the bathroom to take a shower. He feels himself getting sleepy as he undresses. The water turns comfortably warm and Jaebum steps under the running water. He’s had a long, troubling day and yet Youngjae’s smile is the only thing that is on his mind. It feels clouded even in here where thoughts usually get cleansed. He accidentally remembers the ears. The ears he wants to bite and he imagines biting them. He imagines Youngjae’s warm hands in his hair because his own hands are always cold. He fears that he just got hard in the shower thinking about Choi Youngjae and he looks down. The boner is confirmed so Jaebum contemplates what to do next but his mind is too clouded and he soon gives up. He rubs himself and sees what happens.  _Shouldn’t have done that._

Jaebum jerks off thinking about a boy and not just any boy, but Choi Youngjae. The annoyingly, bravely curious boy whose ears are biteable, whose thigs are squeezable, whose hands he wants gripping his hair so desperately hard, whose lips he wants to-

He comes with a groan.

Whose lips he wants to…  _Converse completely normally with. Nothing strange about that..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, wow. Thanks for the really nice and positive feedback on the first three chapters. I really appreciate your opinions a lot. I hope this story is still entertaining and I hope this chapter wasn't too weird and confusing.


	5. Alcoholic Aftermath

**Day 9 – Friday**

Jaebum yawns in his seat. Early morning psychology is not easy listening when you’ve been up for longer than you should have the night before. Besides, he only decided to take this class because both Jinyoung and Mark like this subject and now he is stuck here with most of his knowledge from Jinyoung’s notes that he generously shares with his sleepy friend.

“Cognitive dissonance,” says Mr Choi. “can anyone explain to me what that is?” Mark raises his hand and Mr Choi nods at him.

“When one’s thoughts and feelings no longer correlate with one’s actions, it is called cognitive dissonance. The opposite is cognitive assonance, which is what one strives for.”

“And who says so?”

“Leon Festinger.”

“Quite right.”

For once, Jaebum takes time to listen in. He leans forward in his seat and earns a surprised glance from several of the students as well as Mr Choi. Jaebum smiles sheepishly at him and the class continues.

Jaebum writes down the five ways to turn cognitive dissonance into cognitive assonance:

  1. _Change your actions to match your thoughts._
  2. _Change your thoughts to match your actions._
  3. _Find new information that changes your thoughts to match your actions._
  4. _Avoid information that goes against your current knowledge._
  5. _Avoid situations that force you to act differently from your thoughts._



Jaebum is relieved that there are no rehearsals on Fridays. He avoids Youngjae all day the best he can and leaves school in a hurry the second the final class of the day ends. He has been doing his best to forget what happened in the shower, but an orgasm like that isn’t something that your horny teenage mind lets you suppress. His friends, of course, pick up on his strange mood all day but they don’t ask. Later, he meets with them for a few drinks and possibly a hook up to take his mind off of things. After a few drinks at Mark’s place, they leave for their regular bar. They order rum and coke all around and sit down at a table, scouting for girls that suit their own and each other’s taste. Mark and Jinyoung are mainly looking for someone for Jaebum.

“Yo, JB,” Jinyoung starts. Jaebum looks up and he seems more like his usual self after a few drinks but he still has the distant look in his eyes. “You’ve been zoning out all day. We took you here to get your mind off it but what’s going on man?” Jaebum just stares for a while because he’s being asked a question to which the honest answer would be “I’ve been having incredibly homosexual thoughts about Choi Youngjae and I jerked off to them.” He doesn’t necessarily need them to know that.

Jaebum does his signature monotone ‘uuuuh’ before he replies with a simple “Nothing.” That word that is almost always a lie and no one ever believes it. This goes for Jinyoung and Mark too. Jinyoung raises an eyebrow.

“Really? Nothing? That’s the worst lie you’ve ever told.” Jaebum crumbles his face together.

“Just let me drink so much I forget it ever happened,” Jaebum whines and Jinyoung shares a look with Mark. They keep their guesses for later when Jaebum is most likely gonna be going home to some girl’s bed for a bit of temporary comfort.

Jaebum gets smashed. His friends can’t really help but follow. They’ve been collecting glances from girls around the bar, and they know even though they pretend they are oblivious. Here’s the deal: Jaebum, Jinyoung and Mark know that they look like everything a girl at a bar on a Friday night wants. They have the pretty faces and the elements they need to look like the classic bad boys: Irresistible and unreliable. As soon as they lock eyes with a girl she’s dripping. By the time they’ve reached her she’s as wet as the shores of Busan.

“JB,” Jinyoung throws his hands excitedly in the air. “You’ve practically made the whole club, men and women, thirsty for your ass so you better get up and get some!” He shouts. No one hears, of course, because the music has been turned up considerably since they got here. Jaebum tenses up. Jinyoung said men and women and now Jaebum is back where he started. He runs his right hand through his hair and gets up from the booth. His friends cheer loudly. He locks eyes with a girl whose hair is about the same shade of brown as Youngjae’s. Her earrings are about the same amount as Youngjae’s, maybe a little more, and her eyes look at him warmly. It’s not as wholesome as looking into Youngjae’s warm eyes but they’ll do for tonight.

“Hi, I’m Im Jaebum.”

“Park Soyoung,” she introduces sweetly over the loud music. Jaebum already starts to feel impatient.

“Your piercings are cute.” He allows himself to lift a piece of her bobbed hair to have a better look. She smiles shyly and Jaebum puts on his charming smile that makes her knees go weak. She steps a little closer and Jaebum notices. He puts her chin between his thumb and his index finger and pulls her closer, stops and presses his lips to hers. They kiss for a little while before she takes his hand and pulls him out of the bar. He winks at his friends, who wink back before he is taken away to her flat rather close by.

Jaebum lies in bed with a sleeping girl next to him. He’s wide awake and hardly blinking because it happened again. Youngjae popped up in his mind again. He’s tried to do what he always does and push it away but there’s something in him that keeps bringing it up and it nags him all the way out of the girl’s bed into his clothes and out of her door. He grabs a cigarette and lights it. It’s only a little past 12 and he wonders what Youngjae is doing. He curses at himself for wondering about Youngjae. He curses at himself for wondering. He curses at Youngjae for making him wonder. Ever since Youngjae _wondered_ into his life, Jaebum’s thoughts have been infected with colour. He runs a hand through his hair.

In Jackson’s room, there are four boys sitting in a circle in their pyjamas’. BamBam is sitting up against Jackson’s bed with Yugyeom’s back up against his chest and a blanket around the two. Jackson and Youngjae complete the tight circle, sitting close to each other.

“He obviously has some issues since he can’t even hug you,” Jackson salts with an offended look and Youngjae slaps Jackson’s thigh as he laughs at the funny face. BamBam takes a deep breath, getting ready to steal the spotlight and amaze them all with some clever observations. They all turn their attention to him.

“He’s got conflicting feelings for you that a guy like Im Jaebum can’t process. I told you how he’s changing, well, he’s changing because you’ve done something to him that he can’t explain. You made him soft and he might very well be thinking more about you than you think he is… And then there’s the fact that he just doesn’t hug people, especially guys, because he’s so extremely straight and tough. Might root in the same thing as his anger. The thing you can’t get him to talk about because he runs away every damn time.” BamBam brushes a strand of his hair away confidently and they all nod silently because they all had similar ideas but having it all put like that so quickly makes them all a little speechless. If BamBam is right, that would mean that… _Big Im Jaebum is fluffing up for little Choi Youngjae?_

“M-maybe you’re right,” Youngjae mutters. In what world is Jaebum’s happiness caused by Youngjae. The boy who asks too many questions and is scared to be mean.

“I think you’re turning adonic to him,” BamBam shrugs.

“Adonic?” Yugyeom looks confused.

“Means he’s handsome like Adonis, you idiot,” BamBam scoffs but squeezes Yugyeom’s arm sweetly. “I should actually get first place for that. Auroral is out, adonic is in.”

“Youngjae is more than just handsome though. I don’t think the word is meaningful enough,” Jackson defends his place. BamBam raises an eyebrow.

“He can be adonic on the inside too. Youngjae is pure and beautiful as a god.” He sends a cheeky smile at a defeated Jackson and he winks at Youngjae, who is flustered by the whole conversation.

_Adonic on the inside? Like a god? Jaebum would never…_

Jinyoung and Mark are on their way to Jinyoung’s flat minutes after Jaebum was dragged away from them. They walk side by side in silence as they think.

“It’s most likely Youngjae related,” Jinyoung breaks the silence. Mark smiles knowingly at the pavement in front of him. “It would make sense. Something probably happened during their extra lessons yesterday,” Jinyoung suggests. Mark nods.

“Probably.”

“Did you notice how tense he got when we mentioned Youngjae’s name at school earlier?”

“I’m certain it has to do with Youngjae...”

The two of them are both aching to find out what happened but don’t have much of a chance. Even asking Jaebum won’t lead to anything. Jinyoung’s eyes go wide.

“Do you think they kissed?” Mark considers this for a couple of seconds.

“I can’t rule it out. He’s confused and he’s been thinking hard all day. I think he’s starting to realise that he has feelings of some sort towards Youngjae. I think something happened that shocked him and he’s trying to deny it. It could be a kiss or a dirty thought,” Mark wafts and Jinyoung is impressed with Mark’s logic once again.

“I guess staying silent leaves a shit load of time for thinking clever things,” Jinyoung comments and Mark smiles shyly. “Stay clever, Mark.” Jinyoung throws an arm over Mark’s shoulder. “Let’s go fire up some Tekken. I’m gonna fuck you up,” Jinyoung challenges. Mark gives Jinyoung an intimidating look and they crack up as Jinyoung lets them inside his building.

An hour later there’s a buzz from the door. “Jaebum,” Jinyoung hears through the intercom. Mark raises his eyebrows at Jinyoung who has his furrowed. They wonder what made him come to Jinyoung’s place so shortly after and with a voice so characteristically monotone.

“Jaebum…” Jinyoung sounds as confused as he is and Mark peeks out to look for any visible signs of what has happened. “Didn’t it go well? I thought you had that in the bag.” They step aside for Jaebum to enter.

“It was fine. I left when she fell asleep,” he admits, feeling pressured by the next question that he knows will come.

“But, why? You usually stay the night if they offer…” They walk into the kitchen where Jinyoung puts the kettle on. He sits Jaebum down and puts Mark down next to him because he saw the conflict in Jaebum’s eyes and his caring instincts for his oldest friend starts to show.

“I’ve been feeling strange lately… I- I don’t really understand myself so,” Jaebum shares. Jinyoung is pleased to at least get something out of him. He thanks the alcohol. He rushes around the kitchen to make Jaebum a good cup of tea.

“Maybe we took the wrong approach, taking you out,” Jinyoung doubts himself.

“I would’ve gone out even if you hadn’t asked me,” Jaebum reassures and three cups of tea are placed on the table. Jinyoung sits opposite Jaebum. Mark spectates as always. Jaebum is looking down at his warm mug, filled to the very brim with tea. He wonders if the tea would spill if he were to push the table.

Jinyoung makes sure to have eye contact with Jaebum before he says, “you know we won’t judge you no matter what’s on your mind.” He reaches his comforting hand across the table onto Jaebum’s arm. Jaebum nods slowly. When Jinyoung speaks this softly to him, Jaebum knows he’s doing badly.

“I can’t say it. It’ll become so real if I say it.” He shifts his gaze back down to the mug. He’s holding it tightly to try and spare it from spilling in case any of the three were to push the table.

“It’s related to Youngjae isn’t it?” Jaebum shifts and nudges the table with his arm. A few drops of tea spill out of the mug as the remaining fluid sways back and forth. He takes a sip to prolong the time before his answer. The tea is a tad too hot but Jaebum doesn’t flinch when flinching is a sign of weakness. He sets the mug back down and looks up at Jinyoung, over at Mark, down at the mug and the spilt tea then back at Jinyoung.

“Yes… It is,” he sighs and Jinyoung smiles sympathetically. Mark just smiles at the spilt tea because Mark always smiles at odd things.

“Did something happen with you two yesterday?” Jinyoung tries. He is cautious because you never know with Jaebum but something about the hopelessness that he is letting them see is allowing them to ask every question they have on their minds.

“No. Something happened to me.”

“What happened?” Mark suddenly shoots in. Jaebum stares at the teacup and wishes himself away to a place where he will never have to think of this again.

“I, uh,” he says and he stops. He stays quiet, then he laughs uncomfortably and then he looks up at Jinyoung with a look that makes his friend pity him. The look makes him stand up and grab a tight hold of Jaebum, bringing him into a hug. Jaebum stands still. “I guess it’s one of those times where a hug is inevitable,” Jaebum mumbles as he brings his arms around Jinyoung. He thinks about how he left Youngjae yesterday and he grabs a tight hold of Jinyoung’s shirt. Jinyoung looks at Mark who is smiling from ear to ear at the two.

“I guess it is, Im Jaebum, I guess it is.”

“Yesterday I,” Jaebum starts and Jinyoung lets go of Jaebum and softly pushes him down in his seat. He sits back down opposite him. Mark puts a hand on Jaebum’s shoulder. “I think I’m getting that cognitive dissonance thing,” he explains rather awkwardly. They both look confused and Jaebum takes a deep breath.

“I took a shower when I came home and, uh, I thought about Youngjae because of what he had tried to teach me, and I, uh...” He sighs. “I jerked off.” He bangs his forehead down on the table and stays there. He feels the spilt tea wet his hair but he doesn’t get up because the table is nicer to look at than the shocked expressions that his friends most likely have. Mark and Jinyoung stare at each other. They had suspected something similar but not for it to have gone that far.

“And now you’re confused,” Mark concludes and Jaebum turns his head that’s still planted firmly on the table. The nod he gives Mark is hesitantly slow.

“I trust you two won’t tell anyone. I’m not proud of it,” Jaebum speaks coldly.

“Our lips are sealed.” Jinyoung nods and Jaebum pulls himself together and sits back up. “Done is done but think about what it means, Jaebum. Youngjae has changed you.” Jinyoung gives him that stern look and he nods. Tea drips from his fringe.

**Day 10 Saturday**

Jaebum wakes up with a bit of a headache. He’s still fully clothed and on a mattress on Jinyoung’s floor. Mark is next to him and Jinyoung is not in the room. He hears the radio playing in the kitchen and he gets up. Jinyoung is standing shirtless and cutting fruits into slices.

“How’s the hangover.”

“Not too bad. Just a headache. You?”

“Me too. I’m cutting up some fruit. If you want cereal too you know where it is,” Jinyoung announces and goes back to cutting. Jaebum sits down, his appetite not very big with that hangover. Mark comes slouching in throwing on a shirt as he enters the kitchen. He sits down opposite Jaebum and winks at him.

“I was thinking,” he starts and Jinyoung turns around because this is probably going to be either clever, very relevant or important. “Youngjae…” Jaebum sits back, preparing for what’s next. “You should hug him.” Jaebum just stares, waiting for more of an explanation (Mark’s reasons are always worth paying attention to). “You said it yourself actually. Sometimes a hug is inevitable. I think you need to give Youngjae a hug. It might help you figure out what’s happening or at least it’ll get you nearer a conclusion.” Mark leans back in his chair. Jinyoung nods. Jaebum continues to just stare.

“I ran from him on Thursday.” Jinyoung furrows his eyebrows and looks about done with Jaebum’s stupid decisions. (Jaebum has made a lot of those throughout his life and Jinyoung has had the honour of observing most of them.)

“You ran from Youngjae?”

“He told me to hug him. It was an assignment to be kind to someone I dislike but I told him I couldn’t and I ran out of there.” Jaebum swallows.

“You don’t dislike Youngjae,” Jinyoung scoffs.

“I’ve obviously given off that vibe.”

“No wonder.” Jinyoung gives him another look. “Did you tell him otherwise?”

“No.”

“Shut up Jaebum. You’re an idiot.”

“I’m not the only one Youngjae has changed. Your morals have shot through the roof since the play started,” Jaebum jokes although there is a seriousness to the statement.

“That’s entirely your fault when you keep doing stupid things.”

“Okay, mum,” Jaebum mumbles and Jinyoung rolls his eyes with a sigh. He serves them breakfast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was a little short but I think I made up for it with the drama ;)


	6. Above Average

**Day 12 – Monday**

“You boys are just getting better and better,” Jackson hears Miss Kwon say as he walks across the stage. He smiles to himself and sits back down in the corner of the stage floor where the huge background is set up to be painted. Mark is painting away quietly, looking like he has nothing on his mind. What Mark thinks about is a mystery to everyone and Jackson is such a curious person.

“Hear that? They’re getting good. It looks like it too. They do a convincing job,” Jackson shares excitedly with Mark. He looks up at Jackson and nods with a smile. “Ah, say something. You never talk.” Jackson bashes his head with the dry paintbrush in his hand.

“Yah,” Mark laughs and paints a red line down Jackson’s cheek. He makes a displeased face and threatens Mark with his clenched fist. They both stifle their laughter so that they don't interrupt their friends rehearsing.

"Mark, I have a question."

"Shoot." Mark picks his brush back up and begins to paint.

"Why do you choose not to speak?" Mark pulls up his shoulders in a shrug and Jackson gives him his 'are you kidding me' look. "Of course you know. You know everything." Mark sighs, a small smile showing on his features.

"I'm fine with not sharing my thoughts. I like that they're just for me." He shrugs again but with a hint of sheepishness this time. Jackson knows his shrugs, so this one makes him smile. He knows that Mark has a lot of charm to offer that gets lost with his unspoken words. Jackson glances over at Mark's brush as it paints the background skillfully. _They have been painting a lot these days._

“Hey!” Jackson gets a playful look in his eyes; like a child doing the opposite of what they have been told. “Paint me like one of your bitchy admirers,” he says referring to the little clique of gossip girls who have dedicated their school days to be obsessing over Im Jaebum, Park Jinyoung and Mark Tuan. Jackson’s had his fun roasting them with his friends. Mark raises an eyebrow.

“Now?”

“Yes, paint me now. I look adonic.” (he’s been curious to try out the word and has gotten the idea that it suits him well...) Jackson will not let it go until it is done because Jackson is that kind of person. His determination goes hand in hand with his curiosity and his undying love for pushing the boundaries. Basically, Jackson loves doing what he’s not supposed to as long as no one is hurt by it. “We have a tonne of time left to paint this thing.” Jackson gets up and leaves the stage as the dancers enter. Jaebum and Youngjae are on a break. Jaebum finds himself a corner where he can think so Youngjae doesn’t know what to do. He is pulled in by BamBam who insists that he should go talk to Jaebum but Jinyoung has already taken the liberty to do so.

“Hey, I know it’s weird. My advice is to do what feels best. Just be careful not to hurt Youngjae too much.” Jinyoung smiles weakly at his friend and leaves him alone. Youngjae soon gives up the idea of talking to Jaebum because he looks like he needs to think right now. Instead, he sits down next to BamBam and they watch the dancers practice. Jinyoung quietly joins them.

“Hi,” Youngjae smiles.

“Jaebum is… confused,” Jinyoung says so only Youngjae can hear him and Youngjae looks at him. Jinyoung smiles a grown up’s smile right at him and Youngjae thanks him. He can’t help but smile a little. _At least he isn’t mad._

The rehearsal ends. The door shuts and silence takes over the auditorium. Jaebum takes a deep breath. He walks up to the stage with determination. As he steers his body in Youngjae’s direction, Youngjae stiffens in fear because Jaebum’s eyes look far from soft. He gets to Youngjae, and he wraps his arms around the angel's waist and puts his chin awkwardly on the angel's shoulder. He is shining blindingly bright up close. He has never gotten that close to Youngjae and now he can smell a citrusy lotion that he now knows Youngjae uses. Youngjae is frozen for a good few seconds before he gets the courage to sneak his arms around Jaebum’s torso, bringing them even closer. Youngjae can feel the hard chest underneath Jaebum’s shirt and he takes a deep breath to calm himself. He breathes in Jaebum’s cologne and immediately finds that this was a mistake. The cologne smells sweet but sharp, somewhat like Jaebum himself and Youngjae can’t help but place his face in the crook of Jaebum’s neck. Jaebum doesn’t know what to do next so he stays in the hug and Youngjae really doesn’t mind. Jaebum minds less and less for each second.

“Well done Jaebum,” Youngjae mutters. Jaebum’s mouth curves up into a small smile.

“I’m sorry for last time,” Jaebum sighs sadly. Youngjae pulls away from him with a shocked expression.

“You’re sorry?” Jaebum nods confused. “I didn’t think you were capable of such an emotion.” Jaebum scrunches up his face and flicks Youngjae off, suddenly feeling awkward from the abnormally long hug that felt a little too comfortable, a little too fitting.

“I have something for you to think about today,” Jaebum moves on. Youngjae sits down on the edge of the stage and Jaebum follows. They look out at the red sea of seats again.

“Hit me with some wise words,” Youngjae smiles and Jaebum awkwardly scratches his cheek. He hasn’t shaved all weekend and it’s starting to show.

“It’s about the difference between evil and bad. Somewhere there’s a line between the two but I don’t quite know where to set it myself. I thought we could discuss when something qualifies as evil and not bad.”

“Are you evil then, or are you just bad?”

“Just bad… You make it sound so petty but I’d say I’m bad, not evil.”

“What is it that doesn’t make you evil then?”

“I don’t find pleasure in doing evil things. It’s release for me.”

“So, evil is enjoying other people’s pain?”

“Remember what I said to you the first time? Evil isn’t afraid to hurt people to get what it wants. Getting what it wants can be something as simple as the bliss of hitting someone in the face whereas bad hits people to gain something. It doesn’t necessarily enjoy beating people up.”

“What about friends? Do evil people care about friends?”

“Bad cares for its close ones but evil cares for no one. Evil only has the friends it can benefit from and drops them as soon as they become a burden. Evil is pretty alone.”

“Who do you care about?”

“Jinyoung, Mark, my mum…” he trails off very hesitantly. Youngjae nods, a little disappointed. _And you, Choi Youngjae._ Jaebum nods back.

Youngjae pulls his legs up and rests his chin on his knees. “Is being evil lonely?” His eyes look curiously at Jaebum, who switches his gaze to the red chairs.

“You would never have evil admit it but yes, it is. Evil is the loneliest state of mind no matter how many people it has surrounding it. It’s like the opposite of a rich person who has people sucking up to them. Here it’s evil using everyone else for what they have until they’re useless.” Youngjae swallows this before asking the question that is making him tense up with curiosity and a pinch of worry.

“Jaebum... How do you know all of these things about evil?”

“I used to be evil… Before- A while back.” Jaebum runs a hand hectically through his hair and gulps. Youngjae pinches his own thigh discreetly. He wonders what it was that happened to give Jaebum such a hard shell.

Youngjae interrupts the silence with a long, loud yawn that makes Jaebum scoff in a kind of loving way that Youngjae interprets as just friendly. Jaebum is thankful for that.

“Wanna go home? It’s been a long Monday.” Youngjae nods. They leave school together and Jaebum ends up following Youngjae home just because Youngjae leant his head on Jaebum’s shoulder on their way out of school and Jaebum cannot let himself destroy the apparent comfort it is giving Youngjae (excuses). Youngjae finds it more than comfortable as Jaebum’s arm casually slings over Youngjae’s shoulder. They don’t talk about it and the arm stays there until they reach Youngjae’s house.

“Thanks for the shoulder,” Youngjae says, addressing the unusual physical contact between the two young individuals.

“Thanks for the armrest,” Jaebum comes back and it makes Youngjae smile. “Uh, I’ll go home now too. See you tomorrow.” He waves at Youngjae.

“Jaebum.” Jaebum looks at Youngjae who spoke his name with much meaning. His name has never been that beautiful. Youngjae doesn’t have anything to say. “Walk… Safely,” he ends up with and it makes him slam his head repeatedly against his bedroom door as soon as he gets to it.

“Youngjae, why are you banging your head like that?”

“Walk safely? Really? I’m so stupid.” His sister sits him down on his bed. “Jaebum... He followed me home because I basically fell asleep on his shoulder. He put his arm around my shoulder. It was probably just a friend thing... If we're friends, I don't know, but I felt fuzzy and when we said goodbye I told him to walk safely like he’s a child or something. Help.”

“You like him? I thought you hated him?”

“We’ve been getting along. He’s kind of nice if you strip him of his cold exterior… Urgh, I’m an idiot.”

“Stop overthinking so much. He probably thought it was cute. Get in there Youngjae.” She winks at her brother, stands up and leaves little Youngjae to fall asleep fully clothed, the smell of Jaebum’s cologne still stuck in the fabric of his hoodie.

~~_That was pretty cute_ , Jaebum thinks.~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey yall! I'm just gonna inform all of you that, since I've been successfully updating every Wednesday up until now, that will be the day you can expect a new chapter each week. I'll do my best to keep that going. Thanks for all of your sweet comments. What do you think of this chapter? Feedback is much appreciated and I answer any questions you have except for spoilers ofc ;) <3  
> Not to be shamelessly self-promoting too much but I'm also available to find on Instagram as @onion.oppa if yall wanna hit me up in the dm's that's cool too.


	7. Caramel Coffee

**Days 13, 14, 15 – Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday**

The next few days go by in a hurry as both Jaebum and Youngjae learn to relax considerably more around each other. Their conversations continue to delve deeper but the smiles are more fresh, at least Jaebum’s because Youngjae's always was. They laugh too, and it has changed how the two talk to each other. The rest of the school all seem to be talking about how Jaebum is in the school production now and how he has been avoiding more or less everyone since he got cast for it. Youngjae wonders about this too because he is never seen where he usually hangs around anymore and when people gather close by him he moves away as subtly as possible. Youngjae doesn’t know why and he has considered asking Jackson because Mark probably has it figured out and if he has, he will have told Jackson, his new best friend _apparently_.

**Day 16 – Friday**

Jaebum and Youngjae have decided to meet even though there are no rehearsals on Fridays. Yesterday’s talk dragged out long and they never finished it because, honestly, it got late. They lost track of time in the midst of their words, even though Jaebum had insisted that he was fully aware of the time throughout, he had simply just stayed because he "had nothing better to do". Youngjae had smiled so wide that Jaebum had to chuckle just a tiny bit and with that, his lie crumbled to pieces and lay spread on the floor for Youngjae to cheerfully step on all the way out of the room.

They sit at the back of the auditorium, looking at the half-finished background down on the stage. Youngjae makes a mental note to compliment Jackson on the work he has been doing because it looks incredible from where the two are sitting and it is only half done.

“I think reflexes are the ultimate morality test. If we stand on a train station and I push a guy down on the rails just before the train arrives and you have, let’s say, 10 seconds. The question would then be if you would use those ten seconds to shield your eyes or if you would use them to help him up?”

“You have a point, but I don’t think you can call it the only way. Some people, good or bad, can’t do anything in a situation like that. They get paralyzed in a way. That doesn’t make them bad it just makes them very human. Fear is a human emotion and it doesn’t make us bad people to feel that emotion,” Youngjae argues. “Or even the guy on the other side of the station who lives in guilt for the next long while because he didn’t muster up the courage in time or maybe didn't even see. That doesn’t make him bad either,” Youngjae shrugs.

“That’s… true,” Jaebum agrees. They grow quiet as Jaebum thinks about how to counter what Youngjae said. He stiffens. He looks at Youngjae and puts a finger to his lips with a hush. Jaebum listens and, sure enough, he hears talking outside the main door. He grabs his bag and Youngjae’s arm. “We have to go right now,” Jaebum whispers. He takes them out the back, which they don’t normally do. Jaebum points at the window in the door where they can see six or seven students looking around, probably for Jaebum because a few of them are his fanatic stalkers. They hurry out of sight and to a coffee shop down a quiet road.

“Were they looking for you?” Youngjae asks, taking a sip of his coffee that is sweetened with caramel. Jaebum nods taking a sip of his own. His is black though, with no sugar.

“I think so. Mark said he heard some people talk about our extra rehearsals and it’s apparently very interesting to them.” Youngjae frowns for a few reasons: How rude of them to go around looking for Jaebum. Will Youngjae now be getting more attention from the people he tries to ignore the most? Will they pick on him?  _Is Im Jaebum ashamed of Choi Youngjae?_

“That makes me feel very invaded. I don’t like that,” Youngjae expresses to Jaebum who seems to be enjoying his coffee fix.

“If we want to avoid them we have to meet elsewhere,” he turns the cup around in his hands. Youngjae wonders if it’s a habit.

“Like where?”

“Like here or the school’s roof. Anywhere really, just not the auditorium.” Youngjae gives it a little thought.

“How about we take turns choosing a new place each time? It has to be relevant for what we talk about or do that day or at least just mean something. What do you say?” Youngjae suggests, cocking his head to the side.

“Sure thing. That’s settled then,” Jaebum says solemnly. Youngjae grows serious, looking down into his coffee. He properly feels the doubt for a few moments alone before he shares it with the clueless boy in front of him. How one can be so clueless as to what other people are feeling when it is so obvious bothers Youngjae quite a bit.

“Do you enjoy my company?” Jaebum’s eyes meet Youngjae’s. They look very conflicted for a second.

“We have fun,” he nods and looks down. Youngjae swallows hard at the smile on his face. His insides feel fuzzy at Jaebum’s unexpected reaction. He looks back up and laughs because Youngjae’s face is red and he’s getting nervous, pinching his thigh a little harder than usual under the table.

“We do. Thank you for spending so much time with me. Even if we have fun I’m still Youngjae, your complete opposite,” Youngjae’s sentence ends up sounding more bitter than he had intended. Jaebum’s smile goes away and his fingers wrap around his cup for somewhere to be. The silence grows awkward for Jaebum, who is thinking about how much he is actually enjoying the time he spends with Youngjae and how little he wants to admit that; or… He can’t admit it. It’s not all that easy for Im Jaebum to let another person come close but he can’t help acknowledging the small part of him that wants to. He looks up at Youngjae again.

“Youngjae, I have a lot of fun with you.” He begs that Youngjae understands so that he doesn’t have to say it again. Youngjae stares blankly, then he looks confused and then Jaebum is staring right at Youngjae’s toothy smile. Jaebum breathes out in relief and takes a sip of his coffee. Youngjae leans back and takes his jacket off, finally relaxing.

“I love it here, in Seoul. It’s easy to hide away,” Youngjae thinks out loud. Jaebum knows just what Youngjae is talking about but he asks anyway because he wants to hear it spoken from Youngjae’s curiously pink lips. “I know a place so selfless that it lets me forget everything. It steals my negative energy and turns it peaceful. It’s a place that makes you so conscious of your fragility, of your mortality. There, dying doesn’t feel scary anymore.” Youngjae has a blissful smile on his face and Jaebum is fascinated and curious about this place. Jaebum longs for the feeling that Youngjae is feeling and must have invented, a feeling Jaebum doesn’t recognise. (Jaebum wants to ask about the place but his mouth won’t open.)

Youngjae comes back down to earth. He sets his elbows on the table and leans his chin on his palms. He thinks about what BamBam said that Friday, but how can Jaebum be fascinated with Youngjae? When he tries to think like he believes Jaebum does (which is an overly dark version of an already dark mind) he cannot find any way to make Youngjae exciting. Jaebum, on the other hand, cannot find any way to make Youngjae uninteresting anymore.

“I want to take you there when the timing is right,” Youngjae tells him. The curiosity is nagging him and he hopes that the timing becomes right before long. “I have an assignment for that place but we aren’t quite there yet,” he says to his coffee cup.

Jaebum notices a ring on Youngjae’s left ring finger. He’s seen it before but he’s never taken a closer look. It’s a silver ring with a pattern engraved all the way around it.

“Does that ring mean anything?” Jaebum points at Youngjae’s finger.

“It was my grandpa’s. He always wore it so my grandma told me to have it when he died because she always thought I was so much like him, always smiling and laughing,” Youngjae smiles at the memory of his grandfather. “He always sat at the piano playing songs from when he worked at his friend’s bar and he would always have the biggest smile on his face. He taught me how to play.”

“You play the piano?” Youngjae nods and smiles - it’s his proudest talent. “Well?” Youngjae’s smile fades and he looks up at Jaebum, showing him that he has taken offence by that.

“Of course,” Youngjae mumbles and crosses his arms. Jaebum laughs at how offended Youngjae can look when he really tries.

“I was only kidding,” he laughs. “But show me someday. I’d love to see you play,” he speaks more seriously.

“They have a piano in the auditorium, so that is very likely. Can you play too?” Jaebum shifts in his seat.

“Maybe… I used to but I haven’t touched one in a while,” Jaebum says uncomfortably. Youngjae’s face lights up.

“I know for sure where I’m taking you on Monday!” The excited look on his face rubs off on Jaebum who cracks one of his tiny crooked smiles that are more adorable than either Jaebum or Youngjae want them to be. Youngjae smiles a secretive smile that is going to nag Jaebum until Monday. He accepts this unbearable fact and downs the last of his coffee. Youngjae sees and washes his own down in one go. They throw their jackets back on and Jaebum opens the door for Youngjae with the words; “demons first.” Youngjae laughs his loud laugh and Jaebum’s eyes crease as he smiles widely, brushing away a strand of his fringe so he can see Youngjae smiling at him as they walk to the end of the narrow street where they must part for the week. Jaebum sighs bittersweetly at the two whole days he has to spend without Youngjae. He hugs Youngjae goodbye. Much like last time, the hug lasts abnormally long. As soon as they let go he rushes away from the scene with a quick "goodbye". Youngjae is left behind with a smile on his face.

Once Youngjae starts he is hard to stop (like that time he had a two-year long crush on the guy who worked at the bakery on his street).

And now Jaebum is one big mood swing that Youngjae is getting dangerously fond of.

**Days 17, 18 – Saturday, Sunday**

Youngjae spends the weekend thinking about Jaebum. He plans out the places he’ll be taking Jaebum and what he’ll teach him. He spends the weekend wondering because the planning is already done by Friday night so he has two whole days with a heart determined to fuck with his brain. It makes Youngjae question his stubbornness. It makes Youngjae restless at night. It makes Youngjae pinch his thigh so many times it has started to bruise. It makes Youngjae watch cheesy dramas and feel like he relates to everything. It makes him wonder a lot. Jaebum makes Youngjae do all this. Jaebum makes Youngjae think about him in the shower. Youngjae lies around in his pyjamas, his hair still wet from the shower and his legs still feeling a little weak. His phone buzzes on the bedside table.

Jaebum spends the weekend thinking about Youngjae. He plans out the places he’ll be taking Youngjae and the things he’ll put him through. The spends the weekend wondering because planning is already done by Friday night so he has two whole days with a heart determined to fuck with his brain. It makes Jaebum question his approach to more or less everything which is a lot to think about in one weekend. It keeps him restless at night because he’s clueless as to how one person can make him feel all these things. He runs his hand through his hair because why is Youngjae a boy? Youngjae made his whole world turn _upside out and inside down_. Jaebum wonders so much that he has to take a break. He picks up his phone and scrolls through his Instagram through which he finds out the following:

Jinyoung has finished the last gta5 mission. (Jaebum is slightly bitter that he wasn’t invited.)

Mark had Jackson over to hang by his pool.

His cousin is in Japan.

Youngjae hasn’t posted since Wednesday. (Which is abnormal for him. Weekends are usually a goldmine for Youngjae selfies.)

Jaebum finds himself in his empty dm conversation with Youngjae. His finger hovers over the keypad as he evaluates the options and their outcomes. He begins to type.

Defbum.jaesoul: Youngjae-ah

Youngyay_choi: Jaebum-ah

Defbum.jaesoul: Yah, do you want me to break your arm?

Youngyay_choi: Hahaha! I was only kidding, hyung (you're barely older than me get over it). What’s up? ;)

Defbum.jaesoul: ... -.-

Defbum.jaesoul: I just realised you haven’t posted all weekend. That’s unusual for you…

Youngyay_choi: You notice how often I post?

Defbum.jaesoul: Well, they just show up on my dash so…

Youngyay_choi: I’m flattered nonetheless ;) I’ve just had nothing interesting to post.

_But isn’t anything you do interesting?_

Defbum.jaesoul: All good :) I’ll see you tomorrow.

Youngyay_choi: Yesss, see you!!

Jaebum throws himself down on his bed. The ceiling becomes his secret keeper for the rest of the day.

Youngjae throws himself down on his bed. He’s already pressed the call button for his group chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really special because it kind of introduces the fluffy side of one Im Jaebum. We all deserve a little fluff by now, although I can promise you that bad boy Im Jaebum has a lot more to say later on ;)  
> Thanks again for reading SAFA (it's cooler if it has an acronym..) xx


	8. Cold Coffee

**Day 19 – Monday**

Their practice ends and Youngjae leaves with his friends, smiling and laughing as they get stared down by the girls waiting outside to catch him and Jaebum alone. Jaebum comes out a minute or two later with Mark and Jinyoung in a deep discussion about why menthol cigarettes suck, and yet they all secretly enjoy the apple flavour but only when there are no other options. Jaebum makes eye contact with a fake blonde. She is notorious for her mean attitude and her obsession with Jaebum and yet he cannot remember her name for the life of him. All he knows is that she’s the alpha of his little fan club. He winks at her and her friend nudges her shoulder as they all try to contain themselves with excitement. He silently laughs as he walks away with his friends. Distracting them is as easy as that.

He parts with his friends outside to head towards the address that Youngjae has texted him. It takes him about eight minutes to walk there. He finds Youngjae standing in front of a coffee shop, waiting for him.

“A coffee shop?” Jaebum asks.

“No… In here,” Youngjae smiles, pointing to the door next to the coffees shop with a little sign above it.

“Lee’s Academy of Music. Find joy in music?” Jaebum reads the name and slogan aloud from the sign. His eyebrows furrow. “Why here?” He looks over at Youngjae with a puzzled look.

“I work here.”

“You work?” Youngjae lets them in and they walk up the staircase.

“They’ve let me take these two months off while I do the play but yes,” Youngjae explains as he opens another door and holds it politely for Jaebum. “I teach kids to play the piano a couple of times a week.”

“Wow, I had no idea. That’s… Nice,” Jaebum tries to compliment. It sounds more bitter than he intended it to. He follows Youngjae down a hall after greeting the receptionist, who doesn’t check Youngjae’s id because he is a familiar face. Jaebum receives a kind smile from her as Youngjae explains the reason for his presence. They go up more stairs and reach the second floor, where Youngjae gets his keys out and lets them into a room with the number 7 on the door and underneath it, a sticker with Youngjae’s name on it.

“I guess you could call this my office,” he announces happily as he switches on the light. The room is not very big but big enough to house a piano, a few shelves of smaller instruments and a few cupboards. The back wall is all window and another wall has a few string instruments hanging from it together with posters and pictures hung with sticky tack.

“Neat,” Jaebum compliments as he walks around the room, fascinated by it all.

“I hung these up myself.” He points to the pictures. “All the instruments are provided by the institute.” Jaebum notices the hint of absolute content Youngjae gives off when he talks about this place and Jaebum thinks about asking.

“Like it here?”

“Kids and music. My two favourite things combined. It couldn’t get any better than this,” he smiles and sits down on the piano bench. Hepats on the empty space left next to him. There isn't a lot of it and it makes Jaebum hesitant. Jaebum sets his bag down and sits where Youngjae wants him to – very close _and now it feels dangerous._

“I thought your biggest passion was overly sweetened coffee. I’m quite shocked,” Jaebum says with a joking smirk. They both remember the practice where they spent their five-minute break getting coffee from the canteen. Youngjae poured three spoonfuls of sugar in his (quite small, might he add) cup.

“Now that you mention it. I’ll just go make us some coffee in the staffroom. I’ll be right back. Feel free to play if you want.” Youngjae sprints out of the room to make them coffee. Jaebum is left to face a reunion with the keys, waiting to be touched by his nervous fingers. He brushes a hand over them and takes a deep breath.

“Why are you in Youngjae’s classroom?” Jaebum turns around to find a boy who looks to be around 10 years old, standing in the doorway. “Isn't he on a break? Are you my new teacher? I had another one last week.” Jaebum shakes his head.

“No no. I’m a friend of Youngjae’s. He took me here to show me something.”

“What does he want to show you?”

“I don’t know yet. He’s out to get coffee right now,” Jaebum tells the boy. He feels a discomfort around kids. They are curious and often ask for affection or just take it. _Very much like Youngjae…_

“Is he here?” Jaebum nods. “Can I come in? I want to say hi to Youngjae.” Jaebum hesitantly nods at the polite boy, who seems safe so far. Jaebum gets nervous as he steps closer. He takes the place where Youngjae sat before and looks up at Jaebum who has grown tense.

“So, Youngjae teaches you to play the piano?” He awkwardly asks, scratching the back of his neck. The boy nods.

"Can I show you?" Jaebum hums and nods. The boy puts his fingers on the keys and plays a snippet of something he has learnt. It’s very impressive for a ten-year-old and Jaebum nods approvingly at the boy as he looks up at him with shining eyes.

"Youngjae taught you that?" The boy nods before he gets distracted by Jaebum's jacket.

“I didn’t know Youngjae had friends with such cool jackets.” He touches Jaebum’s arm that is covered by his leather jacket. Jaebum chuckles down at the boy.

“Did I say friend?” Jaebum asks, realising this.

“Isn’t he your friend?”

“Yeah… I guess he is. We never really talked about it, you know.”

“Can he make you smile even if you’re sad?” Jaebum takes a few seconds to think about this. He is curious as to what the kid has to say and Youngjae is not back yet, so… “Then he’s your friend. Friends make each other smile. Jaebum smiles down at his lap. _Kids are kind of cute._

“Taeil!” Youngjae puts the mugs down on an empty space on the shelf. Taeil stands up from the chair. “I missed you Taeil. It’s good to see you here.”

“Come back soon Youngjae,” Taeil says with a frown. Youngjae hugs him.

“I’ll be back before you know it. Are you practising lots at home?” Taeil nods. “Well, I’m excited to see how good you can get in two months. You better impress me when I come back,” Youngjae challenges and the boy nods eagerly, laughing happily as Youngjae smiles brightly at him.

“I talked to your friend. I like his jacket,” Taeil eagerly tells him.

“Jaebum does have a cool jacket, doesn’t he? I should tell you a secret.” Youngjae lowers his voice to a whisper that Jaebum can and is supposed to hear. “He wears it every single day to school. All year around.” Taeil giggles. Jaebum is about to object when Taeil speaks up.

“He said he wasn’t sure if you were friends but then I asked him the way you told me about and he said yes and then he smiled.” That’s Jaebum’s plan ruined by a ten-year-old. Youngjae pauses for a second, a small smile appearing on his face. He glances up at Jaebum and then looks back down at Taeil.

“You asked Jaebum if I make him smile?” Taeil nods proudly and Youngjae looks over at Jaebum with raised eyebrows. Jaebum looks away and Youngjae giggles. “I’ll get back to my friend now but it was lovely seeing you. It’s about time for your lesson now too.” Youngjae sends Taeil off and he shuts the door. He brings the coffee over.

There’s a testing silence. Youngjae is looking amused down at the keys and Jaebum is staring at them, hoping the piano will come alive and eat him if he stares hard enough. The silence is more awkward for Jaebum but if he breaks it he knows what’ll happen.

“I make you smile?” Youngjae says very cockily and Jaebum’s eyes shoot icy daggers, or maybe they’re fiery this time for a change.

“Don’t start Youngjae.”

“Sorry… Buddy,” Youngjae mumbles before bursting into a fit of laughter. He leans back and holds his stomach. Jaebum’s anger has a few cracks by the end of Youngjae’s laughing fit. It’s difficult not to smile when Youngjae is that gleeful. “Oh look, I made you smile again.” Jaebum raises an eyebrow at him and Youngjae shuts up, still feeling giggly.

“Tell me why I’m here,” Jaebum demands, leaning his elbow on the piano’s corner and using his hand to hold his face.

“Okay. You’re here to let out negative emotions. As mad as this might sound, good people feel negative emotions too,” Youngjae jokes. Jaebum smiles shortly. “And what do you think I do to get rid of these emotions?”

There’s an obvious answer that Jaebum is leaning his arm on. “You play the piano?” Jaebum guesses. Youngjae nods happily.

“It’s not just the piano that works though. In general, creative activities are a good way to express feelings. I like to draw or write sometimes too but I’m not very good at it.” Jaebum doubts that is true but lets it slide. “First of all I just want you to touch the piano again. Play a little bit.” He gestures for Jaebum to start.

“Can’t you go first?” Youngjae looks confused for a second when he sees something in Jaebum’s eyes that looks like insecurity. He smiles at Jaebum and nods.

He presses softly down on the keys and instantly changes the atmosphere in the room. Youngjae plays a melancholic song. Jaebum watches him intensely as he does and he almost feels the emotions that Youngjae would be feeling when playing such a song. Jaebum wonders what events can have caused Youngjae to feel these emotions. He sees tears in his mind and he feels guilty like Youngjae crying is his fault now. Why would Youngjae cry about him anyways? The song ends but leaves the atmosphere as a clear trace of its previous presence. Jaebum shifts before looking up at Youngjae.

“That was powerful… You’re good on the piano,” Jaebum compliments, making Youngjae smile like he didn’t just feel exactly what Jaebum was feeling.

“Thank you, Jaebum. I bet you’re just as good.” Jaebum smiles nervously and looks down at the piano.

“I haven’t played in a long time…” Some old emotions dig themselves up and now he’s feeling so many things at once it’s hard to even focus. Youngjae puts a hand on Jaebum’s arm.

“It’s like riding a bike,” Youngjae soothes with the calm whispery voice he draws out of him when Jaebum seems the most conflicted. Youngjae enables Jaebum to play his emotions away. It’s a blissfully painful process that Jaebum has forgotten existed. Youngjae moves his hand away for Jaebum to play freely. Jaebum is taken over by minor panic that goes away as soon as he feels the same hand now on his shoulder. Youngjae admires Jaebum’s (cute) fingers as they play skillfully. He rests his head on the hand that is touching Jaebum's shoulder and Jaebum’s heart does a funny thing. His cheek is tickled by a strand of Youngjae’s hair and it makes him smile.

Youngjae claps when Jaebum is finished. Jaebum smiles humbly at Youngjae.

“How do you feel now?” Youngjae asks. Jaebum cocks his head to the side and stares at Youngjae.

“Weightless,” he replies and he stands up, walking around to test the new feeling. Youngjae smiles at the reply and gets up to plant a hand firmly on each of Jaebum’s shoulders.

“Hold on to that feeling. It’s important.” Jaebum nods. “I wanna say that you look like you would love a hug right now but I also know you quite well by now and I’d say I’m wrong,” Youngjae laughs light-heartedly. Jaebum chuckles before wrapping his arms around Youngjae’s body. Youngjae manages to snuggle his face into Jaebum’s shoulder very comfortably without Jaebum flinching. His arms wrap around Jaebum and they stand like this for a while.

“How come we always hug for so long?” Jaebum has been curious about this since the first time they hugged. Youngjae luckily has an answer for him.

“Because we don’t hold back when we finally shut up,” Youngjae sighs into Jaebum’s shoulder. Something about that statement makes them both pull away. As they stand and stare in silence, Youngjae pulls him back to the piano. Jaebum anticipates. “Happiness is an emotion that only grows if you express it.” Youngjae plays a happy tune and starts goofing around as he plays, making them both laugh. “Take over,” Youngjae commands and Jaebum puts his hands where Youngjae’s were. He knows the song. Youngjae stands up and dances around the piano in a bouncy way. Jaebum lets out a yell of happiness, surprising Youngjae. Youngjae yells back. They keep at this for a while before they are laughing so hard that Jaebum is forced to take his hands off the piano.

“That actually worked.” Jaebum is surprised and out of breath. He gives Youngjae a questioning look. “How do you know all this?” Youngjae can see the blown away look in his eyes and he realises, in this moment, that he is not just getting a play ready. He is actually doing something for a boy in pain as well as falling in love with him scarily quickly. He realises as he stares at Jaebum’s chest going up and down from the heavy breathing that he is falling slowly… Not anymore. Now that he knows, he has begun freefalling at a million miles per hour and there’s no stopping him.

“I just… Live. I live and reflect as I go,” he pants. “That’s something to take home from today.” Jaebum is cute when his eyes crease and his toothy smile shows. If only he would do that more often.

“Live and reflect,” Jaebum repeats. The coffee on the piano hasn’t been touched. Youngjae takes a sip but it’s gotten cold so he pours it out in the staff room and they leave the building. They part with a hug that lasts a little too long and now Jaebum has begun reflecting upon the cold coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again a little short. I'm sorry about that, but I hope it was still alright. xx


	9. Improper Intensity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting early because I am going to Spain with my school Wednesday till Sunday. I don't expect any future updates to be affected by that. I have about four written already and almost ready to publish. Thank you and enjoy this chapter.

**Day 20 – Tuesday**

“Mark and I might slag a little but the dance team is worse. They never do anything but sit around and talk,” Jackson teases Yugyeom, whose smile falls and eyebrows furrow.

“We do practice! You guys just don’t see it,” Yugyeom defends. Youngjae spots Jaebum across the yard and he stops listening to the playful argument. He is sitting on a bench snacking from Jinyoung’s lunch, who kindly feeds him a couple of bites here and there. Jaebum is munching peacefully on a mouthful of noodles when the JB & gang's official fan club steps up to them. Youngjae gives BamBam, who is talking, a nudge and points to the scene. It grabs the attention of all four boys.

“Wonder what they want from him.”

“You and that Youngjae kid are hanging out after school, aren’t you?” Jaebum sighs at the girl with the fake blonde hair (whose name he still has no clue about). He’s starting to wonder why they care so much about what he is doing.

“No, we aren’t. Don’t know where you got that from,” Jaebum speaks indifferently, stealing a slice of apple from Jinyoung’s rich lunchbox.

“Everyone says so.”

“Well if everyone says so,” Jaebum comments sarcastically as he munches on the apple slice.

“We’re gonna find out what you’re doing,” says the blondie. She leaves with her friends.

“That was an invasive statement,” Jinyoung comments, eyeing her as she aggressively walks back towards the main building “What’s up with that?”

“Apparently, it’s a big deal who I talk to.” Jaebum rolls his eyes.

“And even if it’s ridiculous they can’t know." Jinyoung looks over at Mark, who has decided to speak up. "It’ll give Youngjae a lot of attention which can easily hurt him because those girls are way too jealous and a little bit fanatic,” Mark analyses and Jaebum slowly nods, although his face expresses annoyment.

“That’s why we don’t meet in the auditorium anymore. They barged in there on Friday. It was damn close.”

“You take good care of Youngjae,” Jinyoung observes.

“We’re friends,” Jaebum responds with his monotone ‘don’t care’ voice. He scans the grounds to find a pair of eyes staring at him from across the yard. They crease before fleeing the connection. Jaebum huffs and Mark smiles to himself because Mark always smiles at strange things.

**Day 21 & 22 – Wednesday, Thursday**

They successfully meet in secret all week. Jaebum grows increasingly more free-spirited as the days go by. His mood goes up and he blames that on Youngjae, who also seems to be happier than ever. They speak their wise words to each other about the good and the bad and it brings them closer together each time because things like these aren’t talked about with anyone else. The things they do are special (and sometimes a little illegal, which worries Youngjae). Their hugs stay long, a fact Jaebum would like to keep between the two of them.

Jaebum is changing the most. Even if Youngjae is learning to be harsher, he stays the sunshine he always has been. Jaebum, on the other hand, is changing every day. Now he can play the piano and yell out in happiness without a care in the world when he would have refused in the past and broken something in the room before leaving without another word. He would have left Youngjae sitting there with tears in his eyes and a broken guitar to pay for.

At school, Jaebum keeps getting eyed by the groups of fanatics and Youngjae feels a lot more staring than he is used to. They pretend to only be temporary colleges if they see each other in the crowded hallways. A nod, nothing more, nothing less.

Mark and Jackson share theories and make bets with BamBam and Yugyeom about how long it’ll take for 2jae (named and patent pending by Jackson Wang himself), to get together. Ranging from tomorrow to never. Jinyoung joins in on the betting, not knowing he is the winner with the bet he makes that Thursday. They don’t tell 2jae about their little bets. Both Youngjae and Jaebum will rip their heads off.

The Youngjae word game has a new champion. Mark played his ‘fulgent’ card, a word he has learnt from an old poem they read in class. “Fulgent means to be shining brightly. That describes Youngjae pretty well,” Mark shrugs and BamBam bitterly gives up first place on his beloved podium.

**Day 26 – Monday**

Posters for the play start to show up around the school, creating a different atmosphere in the auditorium that afternoon. People realise that they’re halfway there. The dancers seem to be getting a move on and everyone have to be careful where they walk because they never know when they can slip on a piece of clothing lying around. Jackson and Mark take it easy as always, ignoring the chaotic atmosphere that surrounds them.

“Those posters stress me out.” BamBam takes a sip of his coffee. The break is well needed today and the circle of exhausted students grows larger and larger. In five minutes time, the whole crew is sitting in a circle discussing where they are now and how much they have left to do. Jaebum is sitting next to Jinyoung and Youngjae, who right now has Jaebum's undivided attention as he explains how shocked he was when he saw his own name on the poster as the first thing that morning.

“It feels weird and a little too real considering that I didn’t even participate willingly.” Jaebum directs his words towards Jinyoung, who does an amused shrug. BamBam downs the rest of his coffee and Youngjae takes a sip of his. It’s not as sweet as he would have liked it but it will have to do for now.

“What are you two gonna do after practice today?” Jinyoung asks.

“Haven’t got a clue. It’s Youngjae’s turn to choose and he can’t tell me beforehand. We made rules,” Jaebum lifts an eyebrow and Youngjae grins, enjoying that today’s program is still his secret for a little while longer.

“It was actually hard. I’m running out of things to teach you. Miss Kwon already said we’re doing great and, honestly, you’re an A+ student by now. However, I still have a couple of tricks left up my sleeve for extra credit.” Youngjae winks at Jaebum, who looks very satisfied with himself.

“You’ve been doing good too, even if you can be a bit of a wimp. You understand the concepts, which is the important part,” Jaebum evaluates. BamBam holds back a laugh that doesn’t go unnoticed. He earns a slap on the arm.

“His words not mine,” BamBam defends himself.

“Ah, just shut up, both of you,” Youngjae huffs.

Jaebum meets Youngjae in front of an unfamiliar house. Youngjae grabs Jaebum’s wrist without a word and walks up the steps. He rings the doorbell and they stand in silence, waiting for someone on the other side to answer. The door opens and a woman in her early thirties greets them there. She seems to have been expecting them both as she welcomes them happily into her home.

“This is Jaebum. Thank you for letting me bring him,” Youngjae bows as he steps inside. Jaebum quietly bows his head as he passes her.

“No problem. The more the merrier and Taeil isn’t shy, but you know that.” She beams at them and Youngjae nods. Jaebum wonders if they’re talking about the Taeil he thinks they are. “Taeil, honey. Youngjae and his friend are here.”

“The one with the cool jacket?” They hear coming from upstairs somewhere. Jaebum’s suspicion is confirmed and they all chuckle at the thrill that filled the little boy's voice. Taeil comes running down the stairs with a face full of excitement.

“I’ll get going now then. You know where everything is, Youngjae. Thank you so much for doing this… Again,” she adds, seeming a little embarrassed as she puts on her coat. Jaebum realises what he has been tricked into doing. He sends Youngjae a glare that goes unnoticed.

“It’s really no problem. You know I love kids. I certainly love this one.” Youngjae bends down and ruffles Taeil’s hair which causes him to laugh. She says goodbye to Taeil and waves at the two babysitters before she takes off. Jaebum turns to Youngjae, who looks like he is expecting the reaction he is about to get.

“I can’t believe you tricked me into babysitting,” Jaebum bitterly speaks.

“Sorry. You’ve put me through things I didn’t want to do either, though. So, you better suck it up and just do it,” Youngjae throws his fists in the air before he runs into the living room with Taeil to play. Jaebum follows behind, sulking.

“We can play dress up!” Taeil suggests and Jaebum dreads being dragged into that game. Youngjae’s face lights up even further.

“Let’s go look in the box,” Youngjae says and Taeil runs upstairs. Youngjae turns to Jaebum. “You better behave.” He points a finger at Jaebum and grabs his wrist to pull him upstairs. They stand in front of a huge chest that Youngjae opens up to reveal piles of old clothes and weird costumes. Taeil rips out a blazer.

“I wanna be a rich pianist man,” Taeil jumps. Youngjae chuckles merrily.

“That’s a good idea, Taeil. What about Jaebum and I?”

“You can be my rich friends who come to visit!” Youngjae smiles and dives into all the clothes, looking for some fun outfits. He finds a white shirt and a vest, trying to spare Jaebum of too many goofy clothes. He gets himself a fun sparkling jacket and an extremely ugly 80’s looking tie. It’s brown and purple, making him wonder who ever thought those two colours could work together. He finds a top hat and ends the haul.

“While we get ready, how about you go into the living room and deck the table for tea time,” Youngjae suggests and Taeil rushes downstairs. Youngjae faces Jaebum, who hasn’t said a word nor has he moved an inch since he saw the contents of the chest. “You might have to take your beloved jacket off for this.” Jaebum gives him a pleading look. “Don’t worry, I saved the silliest outfit for myself… Just play along.” Jaebum sighs, giving up the fight. Youngjae beams. “Here’s a white shirt and a vest. Doesn’t have to be worse than that. Look what I’m wearing.” He points at the pile and Jaebum stifles a laughter. Youngjae cracks up, biting his finger to stop himself.

They both get dressed up to visit Taeil in the living room and Jaebum does his best not to laugh at Youngjae, who walks beside him in a sparkling jacket and a top hat. They knock on the closed living room door and they hear a “come in” from the other side.

“You look great! Come inside and sit down for tea,” Taeil beams. Jaebum and Youngjae sit next to each other, across from Taeil who pours air into the cups. They pretend to be thoroughly enjoying the air. Youngjae takes his hat and jacket off. The stifled laughter from Jaebum is starting to bug him.

“Great show you played last week. You must be the best pianist I’ve ever seen!” Taeil gets excited by the compliment and jumps in his seat. “Don’t you think so too Jaebum?”

“Yes, of course.” The words sound forced but Youngjae pretends he doesn’t hear it. “You must have started when you were very young,” Jaebum continues, making Youngjae smile.

“I have played since I was six,” he beams. “When are you going to get married? I can’t wait to play at your wedding.” The room goes quiet. Youngjae tells himself that it’s just a game and Jaebum thinks of ways to get out of there as memories of a steamed up bathroom flash into his mind when he would just rather forget them. Taeil waits patiently.

“We don’t know. The people who make decision won’t let two men get married in this country,” Youngjae explains trying to get back into character. Jaebum turns his head to look at Youngjae. There he keeps his gaze until Youngjae notices.

“Why is that?”

“They don’t think it’s right for boys to love boys and for girls to love girls.” Taeil furrows his eyebrows. “But what about you, Youngjae?” he asks, breaking character. “Can you never get married?”

“Most likely not.”

“That’s so unfair,” Taeil looks up at Youngjae sadly. Youngjae walks around to Taeil to explain to him that it’s unfair but that he will be fine. Jaebum sits quietly in his seat, staring at Youngjae with a boy on his lap. He never asked and Youngjae never told him or left any clues. Now he knows that Youngjae is gay and for some reason, he feels relieved. However, that feeling turns into panic.

Youngjae and Taeil decide to play something else while Jaebum spends the remainder of the evening quiet. When Youngjae puts Taeil to bed Jaebum stands in the doorway, staring at Youngjae still. He realises how sweet Youngjae’s nose is and the way it sits so perfectly between his two eyes. He looks away with shame and doubt. Jaebum waves robotically at Taeil before they shut the door. Youngjae gives him a look before they go back downstairs.

“Why’d you suddenly go all quiet? Was it the clothes?” Youngjae puts a stern hand on his hip, serving Jaebum angry eyes.

“It wasn’t the clothes,” Jaebum answers. “Just leave it be.”

“But, Jaebum,” he argues.

“Just leave it be, I said.” Youngjae is surprised by the cold darkness of Jaebum’s voice. He has forgotten how scary Jaebum can look and sound if he wants to. He has gotten used to the smiles and the honey-sweet voice and the comfort that has come with it.

“She’s gonna be home soon. You can go if you’d like.” He doesn’t hide the hurt in his voice one bit, making Jaebum feel even more uncomfortable. He stands still and the room is draped in a heavy silence. Youngjae feels a pull and then Jaebum’s arms are wrapped tightly around him and his head is against his chest. Youngjae doesn’t hug back but Jaebum feels a tight grip, that is almost a tug, on his t-shirt where Youngjae’s right hand is placed in between their bodies. It’s the longest hug they’ve shared and when Jaebum lets go he looks into Youngjae’s sad eyes with his own sad ones and he heads for the door. Keys jingle just outside and he stops in his tracks.

They both throw on their best happy faces. (After all, they’ve been acting four days a week, for the last three weeks.) Youngjae tells her how sweet Taeil behaved and they part with money that they both refuse to begin with, but she insists, so it ends up, split evenly, in their pockets. They reach the street corner where they have to part ways. Youngjae mumbles a goodbye and Jaebum mumbles one in return.

As Youngjae walks home he comes to realise what Jaebum was affected by. He relives the hug that hurt with strained comfort. In the light of this, he decides that it should be about time for Jaebum to see his secret spot.


	10. Heavenly Hills

**Day 27 – Tuesday**

“Brilliant work boys, but I need more tension. It’s a love-hate relationship between Phenex and Samael, so they feel very mixed emotions towards each other. Can you bring that out a little more?” They share a look as to say, ‘she has no idea’. Youngjae and Jaebum pull out the memories of the day before and Miss Kwon seems pleased.

“I win. She already has a whole list of sins to her name and she does not look like she is about to go pray for forgiveness anytime soon, sugar.” The last word pops boastfully off Phenex’s sharp tongue and with so much pure and evil excitement that it nags Jaebum behind the facial expression of his character. Samael looks down at his apron with disappointment and mournful over a soul lost to hell. “If you wished to save her so badly you should have come after me instead of lazying around here, eh?” Phenex is the kind of demon to raise an eyebrow but the boy playing him is still in the phase of practising in front of the bathroom mirror.

“I was making you a meal,” Samael mumbles, his eyes still gloomily focused downward.

“What’d ya say?” Samael looks up and erases the disappointment from his features.

“Enough crowing. You gloat with such pride as if your work is noble. You have ruined another soul, a soul that could have been saved.” Phenex de-coats as Samael lectures him at the end of another day in their endless lives. They have both stopped counting their years long ago. There comes a day where it begins to feel pointless when you know you will never cease to exist.

“Oh, Samael.” Phenex sits on the sofa’s armrest. “You are too good for your own good. You even cooked.” Samael’s face lights up by the acknowledgement, not because Samael needs it but because he wishes positive things upon Phenex every night. That smile is one of them.

“Like a big realisation, it will surprise you with a change of heart,” Samael mutters to himself.

They end rehearsal quietly and Jaebum’s lesson is weak and without much effort, but at least he is present.

**Day 28 – Wednesday**

“I can’t do the extra practice today,” Jaebum says as when they are sent on a short break. “I have a thing.”

“A thing,” Youngjae sighs. His disappointment is easy to trace on his features. “It’s important that you come Friday. I have an important thing to show you.” Jaebum huffs and runs a hand through his hair. Youngjae saw the curiosity hidden in his eyes behind all the ice.

_Like a big realisation, it will surprise you with a change of heart_

**Day 29 – Thursday**

Jaebum doesn’t show up on Thursday, Jinyoung tells the teachers that it is due to a private matter. Youngjae notes that the two don’t look too tip-top themselves and he fears what Jaebum finds so horrid about Youngjae being gay that even his friends look exhausted. He tries to hold back his overly curious self for the rest of the day as he asks leading questions to Jackson, who he thinks might know something. Jackson doesn’t give any useful answers nor does he seem to realise what Youngjae is hinting at (Youngjae might have been a bit too subtle). Youngjae goes to speak to BamBam for some wise words and Yugyeom listens in too.

“Jinyoung is coming your way,” BamBam says and leaves Youngjae alone, confused as he turns around to spot Jinyoung smiling kindly at him.

“Can I get you some coffee after practice?” Surprise over this question makes him hesitate. “I think you’d like to hear what I have to say.”

“Okay,” Youngjae responds and Jinyoung seals the deal with a firm smile before he walks back over to Mark. BamBam and Yugyeom come running with questions.

Practice ends and Jinyoung and Mark take Youngjae to the same café that Jaebum had taken him. They sit at the same table and Jinyoung takes place on the bench next to Mark where Youngjae had sat last. Youngjae sits in the chair that Jaebum did. He tries to find a comfortable way to sit but finds that there simply is none. They sip their coffees silently as Jinyoung tries to think of a way to word what he wants to say.

“Youngjae,” he begins hesitantly. “Jaebum… He’s a complicated guy, which you very well know I presume.” There is silence and, in the midst of that, a nod. “But the thing is that he’s never been happier… Or more confused than he is now. He’s very conflicted at the moment and he’s just sitting in his room, trying to figure himself out. He cares a lot about you and I’m basically just telling you not to give up on him. I’m scared of what’s gonna happen if he loses you too.”

“Too?”

“I can’t tell anyone about that. Just be there when he comes back. It’s okay to tell him he’s been an asshole but just be there.” Youngjae nods.

“I don’t think I could stay away if I wanted to,” he mumbles. He feels stupid for saying such a thing but it’s inevitably true and Youngjae accepts that. Jinyoung looks relieved.

“Good,” he states. Youngjae has an idea of why Jaebum is confused but he is afraid of betting on it and losing. He is almost inevitably wrong, even if the clues add up. Jackson told him that, Mark said he is not the slightest bit gay but that was 3 weeks ago, and everything is different now. At first, he thought Jaebum went quiet because he is, to some extent, a homophobe or just a no-homo-bro kind of guy, but then he remembered the long hug and he thought that maybe Jaebum just needed to get used to the idea. Now Jaebum doesn’t say much to him anymore and he skips school. That could mean anything and Youngjae has tried to tell himself that it is not about him.

And now, now Jaebum is confused (Youngjae knows what confused means). Jaebum found out that Youngjae is gay, he got all quiet, skipped school and now Jinyoung says he is  _confused._  It seems obvious what’s happening but Youngjae does not want to flatter himself and that is why he avoids asking Jinyoung about it.

“How long have you been friends?”

“Since we were two and three years old,” he nods importantly. “Mark tagged along at age eleven.” Youngjae nods and Mark just quietly sips his drink like he doesn’t hear a word when he probably hears more than either Youngjae or Jinyoung do.

“He wasn’t always hard like that, was he?” Jinyoung shakes his head.

“He’s slowly evolving out of his hard shell because of you. He needs that so much.” Youngjae smiles.

“I can tell he isn’t all bad… Especially when he smiles at me because then I know he has let go. And when he… Does he ever hug you for really long?” Youngjae asks, cocking his head to the side. Mark seems to stir a bit. He has noticed something and now he’s all ears even if his eyes are still on the cup in his hand.

“No, not really. We do hug occasionally, but not that often and not for very long.”

“We never hug for less than ten seconds. It’s always quiet and long(ing),” Youngjae tells Jinyoung. Jinyoung looks surprised and takes a sip of his hot chocolate. Mark is thinking.

“He doesn’t know how to express himself to you because everything you teach and tell him feels new. It’s his way of saying he cares,” Mark says. Jinyoung agrees and looks over at Mark.

“We’ll try and get him to come to school tomorrow. It’s gonna be easier because there isn’t practice.” Youngjae nods, knowing what he has to do. They finish their coffees with small talk and go home.

**Day 30 – Friday**

Jaebum comes to school and Youngjae knows he has to speak to him before the day is over. During the lunch break, however, he spots Jinyoung and Mark pulling Jaebum towards them before he has had the chance to search. He doesn’t resist but he also doesn’t seem to be walking over there of his own volition.

“Where does Jaebum have to be today?” Jinyoung asks. Youngjae makes it very clear that his answer is for Jaebum as his eyes lock Jaebum's in a gaze.

“Do you have any plans tomorrow?” He shakes his head. “Bring whatever you’d need to sleep out and we will meet at four today. I’ll text you where we’re meeting.” All six people around Youngjae look confused, and Jaebum even slightly flustered. “You’ll find out what it’s all about.”

“We will make sure he’s there.” Jinyoung winks at Youngjae and the three leave Youngjae to explain what just happened to his friends.

“He’s real snatched, you both are,” BamBam mumbles to his friends.

Youngjae texts Jaebum the address and hurries home after school to pack his own bag. He is hoping that Jinyoung and Mark have found a way to get him to come. Youngjae is unsure about this lesson because the topic mixed with Jaebum’s  _wonderful_  mood might be a horrible cocktail that he will refuse to drink. Someone clears their throat and Youngjae looks up. He finds Jaebum’s eyes staring down at him.

“Should we do this?” Youngjae starts to walk and Jaebum follows right behind.

"I'm here, so," Jaebum replies flatly. He furrows his eyebrows when Youngjae stops walking. "We’re taking the bus?” Youngjae nods with his hands in his pockets and a nervous smile on his face. Jaebum stares.

“Your timing was good. There’s our bus,” Youngjae points.

The bus ride is longer than Jaebum expected and he wonders if Youngjae knows what he’s doing. It looks to him like they’re leaving Seoul. Sure enough, they step off the bus into silence. Houses are few here and Jaebum's vision is mostly filled with blue sky, the low late-afternoon sun and the young golden corn that shivers in the light breeze. Youngjae walks decisively down the road. Jaebum stares at his backside in wonder. He takes Jaebum down a dirt path. It leads them across a field and through, not so much a forest as a bundle of trees. The spring has made the whole scenery wildly colourful. Jaebum stops him here.

“Where the hell are we going?”

“We’re almost there.” Jaebum grumbles at the answer and Youngjae continues to walk. They stop at the bottom of a hill.

“Here?”

“There’s a little house on the other side.” They work their way around the hill because Jaebum sees no point in going over.

The sight that they meet makes Jaebum stop in his tracks and stare. He sees a very charming little cottage, standing alone in a fairytale-like setting. It has colourful flowers all around it and a front porch. In the empty grass field not far from the house stands one tree with leaves beautifully draped all around it like a velvet blanket. The shadow it creates in the grass is unspoiled and would look luring on a warm summer day. There is still a chill in the spring air that makes Youngjae grab Jaebum’s wrist and bring him to the door. He knocks. Only seconds later, a man in his early forties, a beauty that fits the setting like a missing puzzle piece, is greeting the two with a suiting smile on his face.

“Youngjae! So good to see you.” He hugs Youngjae and greets Jaebum with the same smile. “I’m Haejin, Youngjae’s old babysitter.” Jaebum wonders how that came to happen as he smiles politely and keeps his thoughts to himself like a good boy.

Youngjae shows him to a room where two thin floor mattresses have been laid out very humbly on the wooden floor. Jaebum stares and Youngjae shivers with excitement, so much so that he forgets the tension between the two. He puts down his bag and Jaebum follows suit because Youngjae seems to be in a hurry made out of exhilaration and that cannot be resisted, not even by Im Jaebum. That would be a sin even beyond his doing.

“We’re going outside.” Jaebum had already figured that out and would have said that in a salty manner but he just shuts up and watches Youngjae’s hair bounce as he jumps out of the cabin with his hand around Jaebum’s wrist.

They go to the side of the house, where Haejin has crafted a small tree bench that Youngjae sits down on. Jaebum awkwardly follows. There’s a short moment of silence where Youngjae’s sparkling aura is eaten by his darkening shadow. He pierces Jaebum with his icy stare.  _Shit, he’s getting good._

“We’re here to talk about love because our roles require both love and hate and it seems like we’ve got the hate down pretty well already.” Jaebum stays quiet at the comment that has crumbled some of this place's beauty. Jaebum isn’t sure if Youngjae is acting or not; if he is he has got Jaebum convinced. “I want you to tell me, truthfully, what your idea of love is and what you love.” Jaebum takes a deep breath.

“Love is only for those who I know deserve it. It’s not something to show because it makes you weak.” He glances away from Youngjae. No one can believe such a statement in this enchanted place. “The people I love are my mother, Jinyoung and Mark but if you tell anyone I said that I’ll slit your throat.” Youngjae nods, disappointed at the lack of his name.

“Anything said and done during these meetings are completely and strictly kept between the two of us,” Youngjae promises, even though he hasn’t kept that promise so far (neither has Jaebum), the rules have changed now that the circumstances have. Jaebum relaxes when Youngjae nods on it, no handshake.

“Why would you only love people who deserve it?”

“Why would I waste my time loving people who don’t deserve it?”

“I also mean in the simplest form, like opening the door for someone or a little smile here and there,” Youngjae explains.

“I don’t just do that. My life isn’t like yours.”

“Because it ruins your image?”

“No, because-” he stops. Youngjae feels Jaebum’s anger transfer to him and he wonders if this whole thing is poisoning his heart. He breathes heavily as Jaebum sits still in the paused moment.

“You’ve changed me, Im Jaebum, and I thought I had changed you too but…” Today, sentences can’t be finished. The movie never ends if you keep rewinding to the beginning. Youngjae wants to throw his anger at the keys of his piano but he is far away from the city and it would be ugly to get mad in a space this sacred, so silence is favoured.

"It is better to have learnt and sinned than never to have learnt at all, isn't that how it goes?" His cocky smile returns and Youngjae gets pissed off.

"... No, Im Jaebum. That is not how it goes." He glares at Jaebum, whose laugh is so vague and cold he can barely be laughing out of joy. Jaebum raises an eyebrow. Youngjae wishes he could do it too.

"How does it go then? Tell me, or rather... Show me, Choi Youngjae, show me how it goes." Jaebum knows how it goes and that is why he said that. If he can’t tell Youngjae in a nice way that he’s interested in why he has been taken here, this will have to do. Youngjae hesitates and it makes the angel in him show, the one Jaebum worried was gone.

“You’ve made me angry. You’ve made me stop smiling in a place like this.” Youngjae locks eyes with Jaebum. “Disappointment did that. You can’t feel disappointment if you don’t feel dedication. And what is dedication, eh?” No matter what Jaebum says next he will activate the waterfall that is being held back by all of Youngjae’s might. It hurts him and the breath he takes stings all the way down to his grey lungs and they long for a cigarette. He leaves the pack burning in the pocket of his jeans.

“Love.” Youngjae chokes up and a tear manages to break through his barrier. He looks away from Jaebum in a mix of feelings he doesn’t understand anymore. He stares anywhere but at Jaebum when he realises the only thing he should be staring at is Jaebum. Youngjae sits still as he cries. Jaebum shifts uncomfortably like he is allowed to be comfortable right now.

“That’s right. It’s love. That’s why I’m angry and I think I figured out that’s why you are too. Love has disappointed you somewhere along the line and now you’re so angry at everything. You should know that your anger makes the love people have for you so ugly.” Youngjae has turned the tap and now it’s stuck on full blow down his rosy cheeks.

Jaebum lets the words sink in, but before he fully can, his hand has taken it upon itself to grab Youngjae’s. Jaebum says nothing and Youngjae breathes heavily as he stares down at their entwined hands. They both think it feels comforting. They both think it fits. They both think that fact hurts.

“You’re a person I wish I had never met.” Youngjae wipes his wet cheeks with his free hands.

“Why?”

“Because I infect your kindness. I ruin your beauty and I don’t want to do that. I’ve committed the biggest sin I possibly could.” They stay still, barely breathing. The pack of cigarettes has stopped burning and Youngjae managed to jam the tap closed. All the nerves have rushed to their entwined hands and they sizzle with emotion.

“Who’d you lose?” Youngjae asks. Jaebum smacks his lips but nothing follows. Ever since it happened he has kept quiet about it. Not even Jinyoung dares to bring it up anymore. Only his mother will from time to time and she smiles, not at the loss but at the time before that. Jaebum can’t even do that, so why bring it up in the first place. “You can love something that isn’t here anymore, that’s not a sin,” Youngjae says like he knows, like he has invaded Jaebum’s mind and tries to help a conflict he doesn’t want help with.

“Youngjae, leave it.” Youngjae nods. Jaebum doesn’t sound harsh, just firm. Youngjae notices the pain in the statement, that Jaebum at this point has stopped trying to hide from him.

“We did all that and yet it feels like we’re back where we started,” Youngjae sighs. Jaebum knows what Youngjae meant but they both know it is far from true. Youngjae feels robbed of his warmth at times like this and Jaebum thinks he is the culprit.

“We’ve changed.”

“For what?”

Jaebum hesitates and a lump in his throat makes it nearly impossible to speak.

“Love.”

Youngjae looks up at Jaebum’s face. This was the buzzword he awaited. This is what he needs to know that Jaebum understands what Youngjae has been saying with his pianos and emotions and stupid metaphors. Everything has been about love because that’s what goodness lives off of and that’s what Jaebum has realised through Youngjae, as Youngjae has realised the same goes for evil.

“Did we make it then?” Jaebum asks with an uneasy feeling over loose ends.

“I think we did.” Youngjae nods surely. “But it doesn’t feel like we did.”

“You’ve made me see the beauty in a flower.”

“You’ve made me see the beauty in a flower’s death.”

“I think we ruined each other,” Jaebum finally says and Youngjae puts their entwined hands in his lap.

“It’s a bittersweet feeling,” like the coffee full of sugar that Youngjae left on the piano to go cold that day. It has always been bittersweet. They share a long hug on the bench by the cottage because anything else seems either too bitter or too sweet. They’ll never be able to share a cup of coffee.

**Day 31 – Saturday**

Jaebum sits up with a low morning grumble. He looks down at Youngjae, the tummy sleeper and finds it smile-worthy how his cheek is pressed against the pillow. He looks exclusive right now and Jaebum counts himself lucky. He cannot wait to see the marks on his cheeks when he awakens. He grabs his phone and finds his group chat a whole mess.

Jinyoung:  _I don’t want to disturb your trip but what are you guys up to?_

Jinyoung:  _Where did he take you?_

Jinyoung:  _Did he loosen up your uptight ass?_

Jinyoung:  _Shit that sounded so wrong I’m sorry_

Jinyoung:  _JB_

Jinyoung:  _Answer Jaebuuuuuum_

Mark:  _Let him breathe Jinyoung._

Jinyoung:  _But I’m so curious. They’re on a trip._

Jinyoung:  _A t r i p._

Mark:  _They are._

Jinyoung:  _I don’t like you Mark._

Mark:  _You don’t mean that one bit._

Jinyoung:  _Okay not completely but a little bit…_

Jinyoung:  _Urgh, I give up_

Mark:  _Want me to come over?_

Jinyoung:  _Yes please._

Jaebum:  _Good morning suckers_

Jinyoung:  _Hoe we were waiting_

Mark:  _Correction: Jinyoung was waiting._

Jaebum:  _I’m good_

Jaebum:  _I’m not in Seoul though. YJ took me to “the nearest countryside” wherever that is_

Jinyoung:  _Woah what are you doing there?_

Youngjae stirs and Jaebum’s eyes meet his newly opened ones. They smile at each other contently.

Jaebum _: Gotta go I’ll stop by tonight_

“Have you been awake for long?” Jaebum shakes his head as he puts his phone back down. “What time is it?” Youngjae stretches his whole body and his feet pop out from the blankets. Youngjae reveals the hidden cheek. It is rosier than the other one and it fascinates Jaebum how warm a person can look.

“Almost 10.” Youngjae nods approvingly and sits up.

“Haejin is probably up. He’s very much a morning person,” Youngjae says like he knows that fact all too well and it makes them both laugh sleepily. Jaebum likes Youngjae’s morning voice. Youngjae is flattered by the look in Jaebum’s eyes.

Haejin hugs Youngjae, who flies off to dance around the sunny grass field in front of him. Jaebum stays on the porch where he and Haejin chuckle at the man-child running around like everything is nothing but beautiful.

“Youngjae is a special one. I’ve always loved him endlessly. I can see you do too.” Jaebum awkwardly smiles because how does someone so afraid of looking love dead in the eye admit such a thing. “He likes to think of this place as a sacred haven. Not many people are allowed up here and that isn’t because of me.” He gestures to Youngjae and it sinks in just what Haejin said. Jaebum nods.

“A-ah, I see.”

“Go fetch him. The bus only comes by here once every half hour.” Jaebum thanks Haejin and bows his most polite bow before stepping off the porch and calling Youngjae over. They put on their backpacks and wave goodbye to Haejin before walking to the hill. They walk over it on the way home, steep as it is. They have taken up so many challenges by now that this is really nothing. Jaebum grabs Youngjae as he almost stumbles down from the top.

“Don’t fall now,” he cheerfully chuckles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been so excited to share this chapter with you all!


	11. Smokey Surprise

**Day 33 – Monday**

Miss Kwon smiles extra brightly today and it’s all the talk between Jaebum’s and Youngjae’s friends. When the leads leave to grab a cup of coffee, one black and full of sugar, the five boys have gathered by Mark and Jackson who have been listening in more than they have been painting.

“She is really positive, basically starstruck,” Jinyoung opens and group huddles further to discuss their two friends “I’m curious about that trip.”

“Jaebum is also staying quiet?”

“He seemed very secretive.”

“Youngjae did mention something about a new rule. Are they gonna keep their mouths shut from now on?” BamBam asks like he’s been pondering this.

“Most likely the case,” Mark says and they all nod. Mark and BamBam figured it out as per usual, not that this was a hard one to crack. Jackson frowns.

“I was getting really into their story.”

“Even if they did tell us stuff before I’m sure even then they left out things then.”

“I would suggest we spy on them but I’m sure that’s a horrible idea and will most likely get us into trouble with,” Yugyeom gulps, “Jaebum.”

“Stop being so goddamn afraid of him, Yugyeom. He’s good enough for Youngjae, so don’t worry.”

“Yeah, but Youngjae is fearless.”

“Youngjae is not fearless,” Jackson chuckles.

“The kid has a point,” Mark breaks in. “Youngjae is very fearless. No one else would have been able to tackle Jaebum like he did if they didn’t have the guts for it. He’s a serious knot that not even we have been able to untie.” Jinyoung nods along.

“Very, very true. You don’t know what we’ve had to deal with this past month. Jaebum has changed too fast for his own head and it’s confusing the hell out of him. He’s had tantrums, he’s been acting strange and he’s been… Sharing feelings. He never shares feelings with anyone. Youngjae has done the impossible.” Jackson and BamBam make subtle eyes at Jinyoung and he knows to shut up. He turns to see Youngjae and Jaebum coming towards them.

“What are you guys huddling for?” Jaebum asks at the tightly gathered group. Jackson goes back to painting like he was never a part of this, leaving the rest to find an excuse that is somewhat believable.

“Just chilling.”

“Just chilling,” Jaebum repeats with a slow nod and a sarcastic smile. He elbows Youngjae gently in the ribs. They both know and they share a look to confirm this. They drop the interrogation to spare themselves from their friends’ horrible attempts at making further excuses.

Youngjae stretches his tired arms as they settle down in the little circle. His hand lands in Jaebum’s lap in thoughtlessness and too much comfort. It immediately attracts five pairs of overly curious eyes.

“Oh sorry,” Youngjae apologises in panic. He plays it off well and Jaebum’s calm face throughout helps it along too. They share a quick stressed look and thank god that their acting has gotten this good.

The seven of them leave together that day. The usual group of girls with no lives stand outside the auditorium waiting for them. At this point, none of the crewmembers even spare them a glance. That includes Jaebum, Youngjae and their friends. Youngjae is just relieved the girls don't follow him all the way home.

Youngjae’s phone vibrates as he lets his backpack slide off.

Jaebum: _Meet me at the train station._

Youngjae: _We’re in Seoul, there are a million of those._

Jaebum: _The one around the corner from your place. I’m already there._

Youngjae: _I’ll be there in 5_

Youngjae hurries to the station to find Jaebum on a bench with his phone in his hands. He hears Jaebum’s name before he realises that it is his lips that are moving. Jaebum looks up and smiles because he has felt that the smile was oddly missing in the short time between leaving school and now.

“I’m gonna contradict yesterday’s lesson today,” he says as he leans back on his hands.

“Why are we here though?”

“We’re taking a couple of stops, nothing much. A little bit of Im Jaebum history.” Youngjae is drawn in and instantly intrigued. Jaebum licks his dry lips to stop a bright smile from flashing.

“That’ll be fun.” Jaebum shoves Youngjae playfully, which then activates his iconically loud laugh. It fascinates Jaebum how he seems not to have a care in the world when he laughs as he does with his head thrown back and his eyes hidden behind its creases. He locates the tiny mole and focuses on it. He is interrupted from his beginning trance by the sound of a train.

“Let’s go.”

As they exit the train, Jaebum puts a cigarette in his mouth. This is actually the first time he has been smoking while they’ve been alone.

“This place makes me tense,” he excuses as he tests out his half busted lighter. Youngjae watches him willingly suck the smoke into his body and cast it out again. He doesn’t know if he wants him to stop or keep going so instead of stating his opinion, that Jaebum would hate to hear anyways, he just looks. Jaebum finds it hard to ignore his gaze. “Want one, or?” Youngjae shakes his head hastily. “Why are you looking so much then?”

“I don’t know.”

“Have you ever tried it?” Youngjae shakes his head and Jaebum finds that Youngjae resembles a beaver a lot, and he chuckles softly at the sight of the child-slash-beaver-slash-Choi-Fucking-Youngjae. Jaebum gives him those daring eyes.

“No. I’m not trying.” Youngjae is firm with those words as Jaebum had expected of a boy like him, well, he has never known a boy like him so well before – but there is a point in there somewhere.

“You can have a little suck of mine,” he offers with the glow of the cigarette pointing right at Youngjae’s nose. He shakes his head as a completely different thought enters his otherwise innocent mind. Jaebum’s lips touch the cigarette again and the idea of having his lips where Jaebum’s were suddenly seem tempting enough to ignore the fact that it is a cigarette.

“Okay then.” Jaebum raises his eyebrows in surprise but hands it to him. Youngjae feels awkward and Jaebum stops walking with an amused smile smeared across his face as a flattering feature. He reaches for Youngjae’s hand.

“Put it between these two fingers and hold it like that.” He relocates the cigarette on Youngjae’s hand, ignoring the fact that he was holding it like a blunt before. Youngjae glances nervously between the odd little thing in his hand and Jaebum’s half-amused, half-reassuring eyes. “When you suck in don’t suck to hard. Gentle and slow or you will start coughing.” Youngjae almost starts laughing but plays it off as worry, something he also has a lot of right now. He enjoys the second of indirect mouth contact with Im Jaebum before he sucks in and a horribly strong taste fills his mouth. Magically, he sucks in so correctly that it goes all the way down to his lungs. He coughs despite of doing as Jaebum said and he hands the cigarette back in a hurry. Jaebum laughs as Youngjae tears up at the intense sensory input.

Jaebum puts a hand on Youngjae’s back and wishes he had some water to offer the struggling angel tempted by a demon, who is turning slightly angelic.

“Ow and also ew.” Jaebum remembers he has gum when Youngjae’s face turns grim from the taste.

“I have gum. Want gum?”

“Yes please.” He nourishes his neck. Jaebum feeds him two little squares of gum. Youngjae is not too busy suffocating to feel the warmth that hits him as Jaebum’s fingers (that smell of cigarettes by the way) make contact with his soft lips. Chuckling fills Youngjae’s ears and Jaebum starts walking again.

“Let’s get going.” Youngjae catches up and Jaebum elbows him in the arm. Youngjae elbows him back. “Hey now, I thought that was my thing.”

“Do you think demons give a shit.” Jaebum looks impressed with the way he approvingly nods at angel Youngjae, demon to be.

“Well said boy.”

“Boy,” Youngjae scoffs. “I’m a man.” He puffs his chest ridiculously and Jaebum throws his head back with laughter. He puts an arm on Youngjae’s shoulder and Youngjae elbows him in the ribs.

“You’re a boy, Youngjae.” Youngjae puts his head back on Jaebum shoulder, who almost protests but instead moves his awkwardly placed hand down by his side in silence. “A tiny boy,” he mumbles.

“Would a tiny boy ever have said as many wise things to you as I have? Would a tiny boy ever have been close enough to you to walk like this?

“Shut up tiny boy.”

“Get your facts straight tiny man.” Jaebum scoffs and directs Youngjae into the park. They stop at the very corner of the park and sit down in the grass.

“That tree there… I had my first kiss behind it.” Youngjae’s eyes fire up with curiosity. Jaebum sees and chuckles calmly.

“I bet you were 12 or something.”

“I’ll let you in on a little secret that I will kill you if you give away.” Youngjae nods, ignoring the threat. He is used to it but now and there is no use in taking them seriously anymore. “I was 17.” Youngjae goes abnormally quiet but only for a very short moment.

“I had never thought that about the one and only Im Jaebum. How- why?”

“I wasn’t always like this. I used to be fine with it. Then I changed and now I’ve lost count of the number of girls I’ve kissed. Somehow this is still a very important place to me. It marked a change in my life… Good or bad as it may have been.”

The undivided attention that Youngjae provides Jaebum is so concentrated and so centred that it almost makes Jaebum dizzy. The intense gaze and the little nods in between Jaebum’s words. He falls apart and yet Youngjae manages to glue him back together again.

“Before I get to my point about bringing you here... Well, I’m curious. How many people have you kissed?” A distinct blush becomes unmistakable on Youngjae’s cheeks.

“Just a couple…”

“Two?” Youngjae nods shyly. “Elaborate.” The smug smile turns the volume of the blush up another notch.

“My first kiss was when I was 16. It was actually with a girl because I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t gay but it didn’t do much for me. It was just a kiss. The second person I kissed was a friend of Jackson. We met at a party and he took me out on a date the following week. He took me to his place and cooked for me and we spent the rest of the night kissing.” Youngjae is an unusual shade of red at this point. “We dated for five months and then he left me for someone else without telling me and Jackson disowned him.”

“He sounds like me,” Jaebum chuckles. “Well except for…”

“Except for the fact that you’re straighter than the cigarettes in your pocket,” Youngjae finishes for him with a forced smile and an obvious eyeroll. Jaebum doesn’t tell him that most of the cigarettes in his pocket have been bent. “You’re the embodiment of ‘no homo bro’.” Jaebum has no idea how to respond because he wants to pretend that Youngjae is right but in this place with this boy, it is hard to. He nods. “Oh no make that three people by the way. I also kissed Jackson once.” Jaebum chokes on fresh air.

“For real?”

“It was one of Jackson’s dramatic moments. I was sad over his friend and he said I should only ever be kissed by someone who could promise to keep me safe and mean it and apparently that meant he had to demonstrate too. It was nothing much just like a three-second-long, very tight, kiss. It was very sweet, as Jackson tends to make stupid things like that.” Oh, how Jaebum wishes he was Jackson right now. Carefree, a little gay and allowed to kiss Youngjae.

This must be the reason why Jackson is so protective, Jaebum guesses and he is right because Youngjae is not done talking.

“It was for the better. He didn’t treat me well.” Jaebum senses the uneasiness.

“What’d he do?”

“He was possessive. He couldn’t even take me hanging out with Jackson. Eventually Jackson started “investigating”, as he called it. He found out that he was making me push away all of my friends and cheating on me at the same time. He helped me out of it… Jackson has done a lot for me.” Jaebum touches Youngjae’s arm with much compassion and opens his mouth as if to speak. He keeps silent because words are hard to come by when Youngjae’s eyes reveal so much vulnerability. He puts his head on Jaebum’s shoulder and takes a deep breath.

“You’ve been through stuff.”

“Hasn’t everyone? And it’s not like it’s easy being gay here.” Youngjae sounds tired and Jaebum wonders if he is giving up. The last thing he wants to see is the fire in his eyes burning out.

“I’m here for you,” Jaebum hears himself saying and a lump develops in his throat. Youngjae mutters a soft thank you and his hand finds Jaebum’s arm. Jaebum sighs and leans his head on Youngjae’s. They are quiet for a while. Rest is needed right now; the last thing Jaebum wants is for Youngjae to give up.

Five silent seconds later Youngjae asks Jaebum what the lesson is and he pulls his head up, wishing he could fall asleep with his head resting there so comfortingly.

“Love is nothing but showing affection.”

“Then do you love me?”

“No.”

“Well, if love is just show of affection, then what do you call that?” Jaebum goes silent realising the paradox (or rather unadmitted feelings). “Why do you look at me with that warm smile? Why do you offer me gum and a pat on the back when I choke on smoke? Why do you hug me for so long? Tell me that.” He sounds so tired. Jaebum stares at him just to stare.

“Because… Because my love is broken. I don’t know how to love correctly. The same rules don’t apply to me.” The bullshit is clear to both of them. Jaebum could just say he loves him as a friend but how can he when it is this hard to just sit here and talk about love as a concept.

“You’re full of shit.” Youngjae’s voice is cold again.

“Shut up, Youngjae. Shut the fuck up. You don’t know me. You don’t see what’s going on inside my head.”

“You’re clearly lying. It’s not hard to tell.”

“Fuck you.” Jaebum storms off. Youngjae is too tired to cry this time. Too tired to react so he just sits and stares at the tree where Jaebum’s lips were stolen by someone who wasn’t Youngjae. Youngjae is too tired to feel jealous this time. He goes home and falls asleep. He sleeps a lot these days.


	12. Cognitive Crush

**Day 34 – Tuesday**

Jackson is everywhere that Youngjae is that Tuesday. Whenever there is any sign of Jaebum’s presence, Jackson grabs Youngjae’s arm with concern and a pinch of rage. BamBam and Yugyeom think he is overdoing it and Youngjae is too exhausted to have an opinion on the matter. He does, however, seem to have an opinion when they do spot Jaebum with his back to them on a bench out front. He rushes the other way with Jackson right after him and BamBam and Yugyeom keeping up the best they can.

“This is too much,” Yugyeom says to BamBam. He gets a knowing nod in return before BamBam stops in his tracks with his arm out to stop Yugyeom too. Their eyes meet and Yugyeom knows BamBam has gotten some idea that is either really genius or really stupid.

“We should go talk to Jaebum.”

“W-what? N-no.” BamBam is too busy with his new plan to listen to Yugyeom’s anxious whining that follows. He turns on his heel and pulls Yugyeom with him in the direction of Jaebum, Jinyoung and Mark.

“What are we even going to say?”

“Leave it to me, Yugyeom.” He walks with hasty steps until he hears a sentence that he was definitely not supposed to hear.

“If you really care about him, show him that. I don’t know what happened but this mood swing thing is hurting him… And you.” The two share a look. Jaebum looks just as bad but his guard is holding up unlike Youngjae’s. BamBam hesitates and wants to turn around when Mark turns his head enough for him to spot the pair. He smiles at BamBam and his eyes say everything that BamBam needs to understand what Jinyoung has just said. He looks up at Yugyeom, who seems a little more clueless than BamBam. He rushes them back inside and into an empty classroom.

“Jaebum is in love with Youngjae.” Yugyeom almost faints at the stress that this statement brings him. He stares at BamBam, who awaits a further reaction from him. He opens his mouth but only a soft huff of air comes out of it. He is hugged by his faithful friend. “You don’t have to be scared of Jaebum,” he comforts and Yugyeom shivers with his head buried in BamBam’s shoulder.

“It’s not as bad anymore… But when he gets like that I get…” BamBam pats him softly on the back.

“I know, Yugyeom. Our pasts form us for better or for worse but you’re still breathing and you’re happy, right?” Yugyeom nods into BamBam’s hair.

“Because you helped me. Thank you.”

BamBam talks his clever and comforting talk until Yugyeom is smiling at him again and it is just in time for the bell that rings them to class.

“Hi,” is all Mark gets from Jackson that afternoon in the auditorium.

“What’s wrong?” Mark asks like Jaebum did not already drop enough hints through his unusually stiff behaviour for Mark to get an idea of what it is about. Of course, Mark knows but he wants to hear it from Jackson.

“Jaebum better keep his hands the fuck away from Youngjae.” Jackson begins breathing heavily. His hand grabs the edge of the tables and the veins on it turn clearer as he tightens his grip. He looks over at Youngjae and Jaebum on stage. Youngjae can fool a whole audience with that smile but not Jackson. He sees the hurt that was there yesterday when Youngjae sent him an alarming text and Jackson came running to find him sleeping tightly on his bed. He stayed until he woke up and nursed him with hot chocolate and hugs and comfort before he asked what had happened, to which Youngjae said he was not allowed to answer. “New rules,” he had said. Jackson’s blood starts boiling.

Mark and Jackson carry the car to the stage and disappear soon again to watch as Jaebum sits in the passenger seat of the cardboard car that Youngjae is driving. He is looking concerned and desperate, whereas Youngjae has got one hand on the wheel, the other arm resting casually on the side of the car. Youngjae wears Jaebum's nonchalantly indifferent expression. Jaebum wears Youngjae’s beautifully angelic one.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” Jaebum peeps carefully. It is scary how much it resembles Youngjae’s carefully soft voice.

“Oh really, you’re the one to tell me what to do now?” Youngjae’s voice is so harsh. It is scary how much it resembles Jaebum’s angrily passive voice.

“You’re right, I can’t tell you what to do but you could ask yourself if that really is worth the damage you did and not only to those people but to me too.” Samael leans desperately closer to Phenex as if it will get his point through Phenex's stubborn skull. His lip quivers and he looks close to tears. Phenex turns his head and their eyes meet. The road is unimportant to him when he needs to prove his right, prove that his pride is still intact, prove that his “mistakes” are not mistakes to him and that regret is not a word he knows the meaning of.

“Do you think I care about your feelings?” Samael sits back, a hurt expression on his face.

“You’d think after all of this time that you would at least care for me a little bit.” He looks down at his lap as if he can find a demon’s acceptance somewhere down there. There is no response from Phenex, so Samael continues “Do you not care at all about your sins?”

“Sins? Hah, sins are for angels. For me, this was a good deed well done.” Phenex keeps his gaze locked straight forward so that Samael can see his lack of interest in the pain he has caused.

In the next scene, Youngjae sits in his car alone as he cries under the heavy clouds that were painted by Jackson and Mark, right above his head. Tears fall down on the shirt that BamBam picked for him and Yugyeom dances on the other side of the stage as a shadow of the angel that Youngjae was before he fell from the sky. His eyes lock with Jinyoung’s. Jinyoung mouths him three words.

“I have sinned.”

If Jaebum was physically able to move he would grab his bag and he would leave. He would leave the space full of accusations that hurt his pride. If this is what happens to a demon it is not what he wants to be and maybe he isn’t. He doesn’t know anymore. Youngjae stole his identity and threw a repainted version right in his face so he can’t see anymore. He can’t recognise this person, or maybe he can, and that is just too much to handle. Miss Kwon claps and Jaebum sits down on the dirty backstage floor because he feels an overpowering dizziness having a go at the strong Im Jaebum. He loses because the strong Im Jaebum is not very strong right now. He wakes up in a red sea with a hand on his cheek and his name being muttered with such care that he convinces himself he must be dreaming.

He groans from the dizziness that has decreased but still tortures his head. His eyes meet Youngjae’s and the hand on his cheek suddenly starts to burn him but he stays put in this weak moment, obeying Youngjae’s caring demands.

“Have some water,” Youngjae says with concern as he brings a bottle to Jaebum’s dry lips. It helps and some of Jaebum’s colour returns to his skin. “What happened, Jaebum?”

“I just have cognitive dissonance, Youngjae.” His words are slurry but Youngjae listens carefully. He doesn’t know what cognitive dissonance is. Jaebum spots Jackson up on stage as he glares at them with a fury rarely seen in Jackson’s otherwise warm and soft eyes. Next to him are Youngjae’s other friends, and his own friends. They look split like they have not looked before and Jaebum sees more fear than ever in the eyes of Yugeyom, more anger in Jackson’s, more concern in Mark and BamBam’s, more disappointment in Jinyoung’s. He looks back up at Youngjae because that seems to be the only place of comfort right now. Even that feels strained but never fails to be a place of warmth to Jaebum's heart. Jaebum’s hand reaches for the one on his cheek and he caresses it very gently as if to make sure Youngjae will not go anywhere. He would hate to be alone with all of those eyes staring straight at him.

Miss Kwon dismisses the team now that Jaebum is okay. Everyone scatter out and there are seven boys left in the room. The mixed emotions confuse the atmosphere and the silence is like a storm raging around above their heads.

“Do you think you can get up from the seat?” Youngjae asks his question so calmly that Jaebum wishes he could just close his eyes and listen to Youngjae talking forever… Maybe laugh too because his laugh is so- Jaebum recovers enough to realise what he is doing and what Youngjae is doing and why his cheek is burning. He sits up straight. “That’s a start,” Youngjae says in his generous tone. Jaebum’s feet feel tingly as if they have fallen asleep, so he stands up carefully. His pride hesitates before he accepts Youngjae’s outstretched arm.

The atmosphere intensifies as Youngjae and Jaebum join the silent raging on stage. Yugyeom needs to leave and BamBam can tell, so they go first. Mark rarely shows doubt but right now he is not sure whether to leave with Jinyoung or stay with Jackson, who is standing stubbornly still. Jinyoung approaches Jackson. “Maybe we should let them be alone.”

“No way. I’m staying here.” Jinyoung finds Youngjae’s gaze and they nod at each other. Hugging is always a good way to calm Jackson’s rare temper.

“Jackson, it’s okay. We’ve solved it before, we can solve it again. I’m stronger than I used to be.” It takes Jackson a few moments of looking concerned into Youngjae’s eyes before he decides to trust him. He hugs his friend one last time.

“But if he goes off again." Jackson looks at Youngjae with worry as he mutters those words.

“I know, Jackson. It’s okay. Thank you for taking care of me but you don’t need to worry.”

Once more the two are alone. They exit through the back because of Jaebum’s little following of insane fangirls. They go back to the alleyway café where Youngjae has his sugary coffee and Jaebum has his black one, only this time he lets a teaspoon of sugar drop into it without Youngjae witnessing the shameful act. The aura around Jaebum stays cold, which keeps yesterday’s open wound from healing.

“Why is love so strained to you?”

“I don’t see the beauty of it.”

“You should. It would suit you.”

“I can’t just change like that.”

“You could put in a little effort to look for it. Maybe something is blocking your vision.”

Jaebum huffs. “I’m fine.” He sips on his coffee and he sure does enjoy the pinch of sugar as if it were a guilty pleasure.

“If you’re fine… Then I’m fine too.” Jaebum looks up from his coffee. There’s sugar somewhere in those black eyes of Youngjae’s. He knows that tone of voice. “I guess I should learn from this. Evil doesn’t talk like I do. Evil doesn’t love like I do. Evil turns love into nothing, not even hatred, just nothing.”

They both leave with an empty feeling. At home, Jaebum is alone. From a quick glance at his desk, he remembers the open notebook in which the five ways to turn cognitive dissonance into cognitive assonance stand in his crooked handwriting. He drops his bag on the floor and sits down in front of it.

“From the bottom,” he sighs before reading number five.

 _Avoid situations that force you to act differently from your thoughts._ – That won’t work. He has already tried the best he can but with the play going on, he doesn’t have much of a choice but to go into these situations unless he quits the whole thing but Jaebum knows all too well, even with cognitive dissonance, that he won’t do that for the life of him. The look of disappointment on Youngjae’s face is too clear just at the thought of doing it.

He marks it with an X and moves to number four.

 _Avoid information that goes against your current knowledge._ – That’s straight up too late. He would have to pretend to have forgotten and even if he was capable of doing that it would just make his state of mind worse.

Another X goes down on the paper and then it’s number three.

 _Find new information that changes your thoughts to match your actions._ – From where? Mark? Jinyoung? Youngjae? No way. He has already tossed and turned this subject every possible way in his mind. These doubts have had every kind of new information they could get. Besides, Jaebum finds that he, like Youngjae, is so very tired. The simple idea of digging any deeper makes him feel like he might faint again.

Before he moves on to number two Jaebum has what can be best described as a short mental breakdown. He leans back in his desk chair with his head leaning back and his eyes on the blank ceiling. He breathes slowly but his heart is racing and sweat breaks out from his pores. By the end of it, he would not for the life of him be able to put the newly thought thoughts into words. He thought about so much but it feels like nothing now. He looks back down at the paper. There are only two options left.

 _Change your thoughts to match your actions._ – Jaebum scoffs at this one. He has tried a million different ways to do this but it is not as easy as it used to be. He has lost the control he thought he held onto so securely.

_Stolen._

One more X.

 _Change your actions to match your thoughts._ – He hasn’t tried this voluntarily but he has slipped a couple of times and his eyes have gone soft, he sees it himself when he looks in the mirror. The ice in his eyes has melted and has turned into something that is shining, like a twinkling star. He hates that (and that is the problem but we know Jaebum by now).

He drops the pencil into his notebook. Youngjae saw him faint today. Youngjae saw him waking up today. Youngjae saw him trying to walk today. Youngjae saw him in a painfully vulnerable state. Jaebum has lost the control he thought he held onto so securely. If it's for Youngjae, maybe he is not that mad about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a little short but just you wait! There will be a few long chapters coming quite soon. Hope you liked this and I hope it is somewhat of a good segway to what is going to play out next.


	13. DoomsDay - part 1

**Day 35 – Wednesday**

Waking up after yesterday is odd for Youngjae. Atmospherically, he has changed, meaning that his personal space acts differently from before. There is a coldness surrounding him, the core being himself. Technically, the core is Jaebum but Jaebum is in his own home waking up and cannot be controlling Youngjae from that far away. Youngjae feels his heart yelling at him and he wonders if this is the way Jaebum lives his life every day. He is already finding it unbearable yet unstoppable. His heart yells a little louder and he mutes it a little more. _So tiresome, how does he do this?_

As the morning goes on, he begins to feel anger towards his pleading heart and now body. Thank god, his brain is the strongest, or… Is that really a good thing? He will have to ask Jaebum, the one thing his heart has claimed and will not let his brain have. He finds himself thankful for that.

“Youngjae!” Yugyeom comes running. Their eyes meet and Yugyeom’s smile falls into a frown. “What happened?” He grabs Youngjae’s arm in worry.

“I’m fine. Just like Jaebum, I am fine.” Yugyeom gets a terrified look on his face as his grip tightens on Youngjae’s arm, desperately trying to retract a smile from his cold expression. There is still a little light in his eyes and Yugyeom wants it to shine a lot brighter. It is not like Youngjae’s eyes to hide his happiness. It is not like Youngjae’s eyes to look so defeated and so cold. It is not like Youngjae’s eyes to scare a dear friend. Those eyes cannot be Youngjae’s.

Jackson comes running. He sees Yugyeom’s panic first and he rushes over to investigate. His eyes meet _not_ -Youngjae’s and a wave of regret smacks him right across the face.

“Youngjae, what happened?”

“Just like Jaebum, I’m fine,” he repeats. His eyes scream fix me and Jackson wraps his arms securely around Youngjae’s body and arms. He whispers a million things into Youngjae’s shoulder about Youngjae and not Jaebum, because what is the point in talking about him anymore when he has already done so much damage.

As soon as BamBam finds them, Yugyeom begins to cry. The intensity of which he is shaking is worrying, even for Yugyeom, so BamBam takes him to the nurse’s office.

It is hard not to feel the abnormal atmosphere in the classroom that holds Im Jaebum, Choi Youngjae, Jackson Wang and Mark Tuan. The air is full of resent and confusion; then there’s Youngjae. He is in a world of his own, completely closed off, much to everyone’s confusion and his heart is hurting. He wants it to stop doing that but it is not as easy as it was just the day before. Jaebum has made it hard and he keeps looking at him with the same apologetic eyes that Youngjae used to possess. He wants to cry but his brain tells him no and those eyes force him not to.

Mark is sitting next to Jaebum, glancing over at Jackson, whose arms are tensely crossed as he stares firmly up at the teacher. He doesn’t look like he is listening but he looks like he is stubbornly trying to make it seem as though he is. Now and again he will brush his hand against Youngjae’s arm in a comforting way and this hurts Mark; that they have come so far and now they have ended up here. They made each other happier but slowly, as the two poles got closer to the middle, their magnetic fields no longer responded to each other. They say opposites attract and they’re right but maybe they only work together as long as they stay that way even though it hurts; but then again, is this not worse? Mark expected something similar to happen. What he did not expect is how sad Jaebum looks now. He wants it to go away but he also wants to run over to Jackson and do the same with his tightened expression. He sits back and sighs. _Staying quiet it is._

Lunch break has never been any more dramatic. Jaebum, Jinyoung and Mark are the first to enter the cafeteria, a place they rarely go but today it seems the only place to be. Jaebum has been feeling just as weird as Youngjae has since yesterday. By now, they have come to be feeling all of the same things simultaneously. It does not bug Jaebum as much as it would have yesterday. They sit down at a table in the corner.

“This is ridiculous. The two of you are being very dramatic.” Jinyoung faces Jaebum’s not-so-cold eyes head on. “Get yourself together.” Jaebum takes a deep stinging breath. These days there is so much pain in every little action.

“Believe me, I am trying.” Everything that Jaebum was giving off turns into desperation. Jinyoung puts a subtle hand on Jaebum’s arm and smiles comfortingly at him. It has been strange for both Jinyoung and Mark to witness their friend change so much. He has never looked this vulnerable before and they have no idea if it is a good thing or not.

At this moment Jackson barges into the canteen in anger. Youngjae is desperately trying to convince him to stop whatever he is doing and BamBam and Yugyeom are pulling at him but there is something about that strength he always talks about having. He writhers out of his friends’ grips and people start to notice the growling lion, whose eyes are shooting daggers at a certain demon in the room.

“This has been going on for too long, Jaebum.” Jackson plants his feet firmly in front of Jaebum’s table. The whole room has gone completely mute. Jaebum sighs calmly and stands up in front of Jackson.

“What’s your problem?” It has been a while since he has had to do this. He fears he is getting rusty, or maybe just soft. It appears as if someone stole his eyes because his famously intimidating glare comes out saddened instead.

“My problem? My problem is that you can’t take good care of Youngjae. It has only been a little over a month and you have left Youngjae in a state I would never have thought he could get to. You broke him,” he hisses at Jaebum.

“I might be good at being bad but even I can’t have done that.”

“Do you know how much influence you have on him? Do you know how much he cares about your words? Do you know how much he cares about” there is an odd choked up pause. “You? Do you have any idea how he feels? Apparently, you don’t because here Youngjae is, broken and lost all because of you and your cold words despite everything that Youngjae has shared with you. Things he won’t even let us know. Get your shit together, Im Jaebum. You have used up all of your chances.” No one but Jaebum, Jinyoung, Mark, Youngjae, BamBam and Yugyeom can hear Jackson’s hissing, which is exactly his intent.

Jaebum scoffs. He doesn’t get to say a word before Jackson snaps and grabs his collar. Gasps are heard all around the canteen. Jinyoung stands up in shock and Youngjae grabs Jackson.

“Not you too,” Youngjae whispers into Jackson’s ear and then he turns his head and his eyes meet Jaebum’s. Without words, he manages to tell Jaebum to keep his fists out of this. Jackson stands still for a while before he shoves Jaebum away from him and storms out of there. Mark is on the edge of running after him.

BamBam looks around at the people looking their way. “Alright, if you like staring at them so much, watch the play. There’s nothing to see here.” BamBam remains as calm as he can to take control of the insane situation. “We’re at a school, where the hell are all the teachers,” he whispers to Yugyeom, whose hand is firmly planted on BamBam’s arm. His breathing is short and panicked. Youngjae and Yugyeom look at each other and the look of panic cuts right through Youngjae’s heart.

Panic reaches him too and he freezes in his spot; as does Jaebum.

“Youngjae, I…”

“Save it!” The volume startles everyone. He leaves with a little less dramatic effect than Jackson. As much as he loves being on stage, this is not exactly the kind of scene he had imagined making for himself. His feet take him to the auditorium. It’s exceptionally quiet and it makes him find a new sort of comfort up on stage with his feet over the edge. He watches them swing back and forth in his own little space.

It lasts only a short moment before Jaebum comes storming through the door. How he got away without any curious students following him is beyond Youngjae but he doesn’t really care about that right now as all of his feelings are whirling through his body at too quick a pace for him to follow. Jaebum places himself right in front of Youngjae, looking up at where he is sitting on the stage’s edge.

“Will you listen to me for just a short moment?” Youngjae nods. “Look, I never meant to spoil your happiness for you. I never meant to hurt you… When I got to know you properly. You kind of came to mean a lot to me. I- I’m sorry, okay? I’m dead sorry.”

“Why are you apologising to me? You should be apologising to Jackson, to Yugyeom, to Donny… The people you have hurt without their consent. I asked for this, didn’t I?” Jaebum sighs. He will have to pour his heart out now and that is too new, too unfamiliar.

“I’m apologising to you because I ruined the spark in you that ignited mine.” Youngjae gulps. “Heck, I didn’t even know I had one before you came along with your wonderings and your millions of thoughts. I hate that I am saying this, but you melted me a little bit. I can’t let what you did for me become what ruined you. I don’t want that on me and I don’t want you to become unhappy the way I did. It’s a hell, Youngjae. Your heart hurts for a while and then it shuts down. It just closes off and boils in its own self-contempt. I would not want that for you. You have too much heart for this. It will hurt too much. I can’t stand to see you like this. Please don’t shut off.”

“How does it feel when your heart shuts off?”

“Like… Like nothing. You go numb but it’s so numb that it starts to hurt over time. It ruins you and cracks you down from the inside until there is only your shell left.” Jaebum pulls himself up next to Youngjae and lies his jacket down behind them.

“I don’t know what I’ve become.” He sniffles once. “I made Yugyeom shake and cry. Yugyeom is afraid of me. I made Jackson yell. I made you…”

“Happier.”

“Well, I don’t feel,” Youngjae stumbles over his own words. “I don’t feel happy.” Tears start peeping out from their hiding place and fall down his rosy cheeks. “Things are happening so quickly, I don’t know how to do anything but hide in a corner and cry.” Jaebum sighs with so much sadness that he could barely hide it all if he had tried. He shifts closer and wraps his arms around Youngjae, rocking him back and forth slowly and softly like a fragile little baby. Youngjae puts a hand on Jaebum’s shoulder as he buries himself in the other one.

“How did we end up here?”

“Too much emersion.”

“We’ve ruined a lot.”

“Of people.” Jaebum releases Youngjae softly.

“Of our friends…” They sigh and the room sighs back. The empty red seats stare at them, judge them. They have seen it all, they have seen everything and now they have something to say. One of them throws a tomato that hits right in the centre of Youngjae’s conscience.

“I better go talk to Yugyeom… And Jackson,” Youngjae admits. “Wanna come?” He slides his butt off the stage. Jaebum follows suit.

They avoid as many students as possible on their way out to the sports field behind the school. As expected, Jackson is sitting in the grass. Next to him, he has Mark, who is quietly listening as he explains with big hand gestures and much passion. It looks like complaining to Youngjae.

“Mark’s with him?” Jaebum sounds a tad offended to Youngjae’s skilled ears, and he is. Jaebum still has a very shallow outlook on relations that has stuck with him through this whole thing.

“Mark can talk to whoever he wants and Jackson is not the enemy,” Youngjae replies to the thoughts streaming through Jaebum’s head. _They’ve spent too much time together._ He looks up at Youngjae with narrow eyes.

“I hate that you can do that.” Youngjae nudges him and they finally build up a sort of courage to go over there.

Both Jackson, Youngjae and Jaebum have stormed out of the cafeteria. Left at the table are Mark and Jinyoung and standing is BamBam with a scared Yugyeom on his arm. Mark stands.

“Jackson,” he explains and leaves quietly.

Mark: _Where’d you go?_

Jackson: _The field._

Mark jogs out there with more and more concern filling his heart. He finds Jackson lying flat in the grass with his arms and legs spread out like the saddest version of the Vitruvian Man Mark has ever seen. He takes both art and history, so he has seen a few.

“Hi Mark.” Hope is nowhere to find in that voice and Mark knows from that, that this is a moment of old, bottled up feelings. Jackson simply took the cap off and now they’re all bubbling out of him. He sits down right next to Jackson's torso. It moves up and down in slow and controlled breaths. This indicates that Jackson’s breathing was a lot more hectic just moments ago. “This is really shitty.” Mark nods. “I keep wanting to do something about this but I keep not knowing what to do. The answer is always _I don’t know_.”

“Jackson, do you like Youngjae?”

“Of course I… Oh.” Jackson sits up. “You mean that kind of like?” Mark nods. Jackson shakes his head. He looks nervous and anyone who is not Mark and probably Youngjae would think that he is lying. “I guess I kind of made it look like that, huh?” He scratches the back of his head.

“What is the deal with you two?”

“He and I go back a long way. I’ve helped him through some stuff and I know how vulnerable he really is. We have always shared each other’s burdens.”

“And now,” Mark sighs.

“And now he can’t even tell me what has happened to him because they made some sort of new rules. I miss talking to Youngjae. I miss being able to be there for him because it hurts to see him in so much pain.” Mark nods along. “I worry about him. He has changed so much and it’s ruining Yugyeom and it-” Jackson stops to rip at his hair. “It is tearing me apart.” He hides his face between his knees.

“And you think that is Jaebum’s fault.”

“Mainly, yes.” He continues to explain his views and Mark listens curiously.

“Jackson, we need to talk to you.” It only talks half of Jackson’s name for him to turn around. Youngjae’s voice can transform into a sound of sirens in his head at fragile times.

Youngjae sits down in front of Jackson and Jaebum stays right behind him. “Things have gotten out of hand.” Mark pulls his knees up under his chin. “And I think we need to talk about all of this.”

“A meeting?”

“A meeting?” Jaebum repeats but with a little more nose scrounging and eyebrow furrowing than Jackson.

“We do that sometimes,” Youngjae explains to Jaebum weakly. “Yes, a meeting,” he says to Jackson. They seal it with a nod.

“How’s Yugyeom?”

“I don’t know.” Jackson gives his back a friendly caress because his face fills with guilt.

“So, a meeting? After rehearsals?” Youngjae nods.

“Jinyoung and you, Mark, are included,” Youngjae points and Mark nods once. Jaebum’s eyes meet with Mark’s. The held back resent is dearly appreciated.

Jinyoung watches Mark disappear out the door before his eyes move their attention to the shaking Yugyeom. BamBam looks about ready to get out of there, so Jinyoung acts quick.

“Hey, uh, let me help. I know a place that’s silent.” Jinyoung stands up and walks the two out of the canteen. They follow him trustfully, BamBam more than Yugyeom, but Yugyeom always trusts BamBam, so here they go down the hallways. They enter their English classroom and Jinyoung proceeds to what BamBam has always thought was the door to a storage cupboard. He declares himself way mistaken as Jinyoung opens the door to a very narrow kitchen-ish room. It has a few wall cupboards and a metal counter next to a refrigerator. Yugyeom sits down on the table top with a bit of help from BamBam.

“Who would have thought.” He looks around and out of the small window from where he sees Mark and Jackson talking on the sports field. He turns to Yugyeom.

“They also have drinks in here.” He points to the fridge that has been causing that buzzing noise. Yugyeom looks calmer now in this space with Jinyoung, who has an oddly soothing effect on the atmosphere.

“Want anything?” Yugyeom nods and BamBam goes to look. There is both water and unsweetened iced tea. BamBam takes out an iced tea with a completely lost look on his face. “How, what?” He hands it to Yugyeom, who even manages to release a little giggle at his friend’s reaction.

“Miss Welch showed it to me when I was having some trouble sleeping. She said I could use it for really bad days and that I should tell as few people as possible. I count this as a bad day and two as only a few people, so welcome to the reason why I seem like I am surviving so well.” BamBam finds that statement to explain a lot of Jinyoung’s incredible zen in most situations. He has been impressed with this ever since he noticed and he has wondered why this was.

“Have you had trouble sleeping?”

“I’ve had a lot to deal with… I had to carry two people’s problems for a long time. It is not an easy thing to do.”

“You would think your back would have snapped.”

“It almost did. That is why I don’t like seeing it happen again to someone else.” BamBam lets this sentence sink into his mind. He flips it around in there a few times for good luck and then he freezes. Yugyeom seems to have already gotten it and Jinyoung’s shoulder falls defeatedly against the closed refrigerator door.

“Youngjae.”

“Exactly.”

“How didn’t I see that?”

“You can have all the brains in the world and still not be able to figure him out. The only way is to get under his skin and when you do; his problems become your problems, his secrets become your secrets and his madness becomes your madness. I saw how Youngjae looked today. Watching him has been like watching the sun burn out all because Jaebum’s only way of dealing with his issues is by pressing them onto other people. There Youngjae was, sweet as they get and more than happy to listen. It ruined him.”

“Jaebum… He’s in love with Youngjae?” Yugyeom and BamBam need the verbal confirmation after the conversation they got to overhear and the look Mark gave BamBam.

“I have my suspicions.”

“It would explain a lot… And Youngjae, I mean, god help him. He loves that boy like nothing I’ve seen before.”

“Looking at them on stage every day does reveal I lot of things about them. I wonder if Miss Kwon knows sometimes. I think she does, especially after those script changes. They look like they’re in love up there. It’s like they only know how to show that to each other while pretending to be someone else.”

“Why does it feel like we are all so close to breaking and so close to working all at the same time?” They look over at the no longer shaking boy who asked the question. “And since when did we start stealing each other’s charms?” They could go on asking like this but the silence awaits a solution.

“If we want a change we have to make it ourselves.” Jinyoung knows this from watching Jaebum deny that change for most of his teenage life.

“It’s all so complicated. If we start with Yugyeom then we need Youngjae too and with him, we need Jackson and Jaebum too. I could go on,” BamBam defeatedly announces.

“Then we have to fix all of us at once,” Yugyeom suggests. “We put all our issues at gunpoint” Jinyoung looks doubtful but willing. He knows better than anyone at the whole school that if there is one person here who wouldn’t be a part of this it is Jaebum but maybe that was just the old Jaebum?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's double update day!! I'll update again later once I've done some editing and had ice cream because I'm seriously craving some. I'm not sure if it will be before or after I've been at work (just for an hour and a half) because I need to do some school work too - god help me it was supposed to be my week off.  
> Thanks for reading SAFA <3 love you all  
> \- Freja Marple ;)


	14. DoomsDay - part 2

The bell’s ringing is a lot sharper today than any other day. To most of the school, this sound means go home and relax but for those who chose to take part in the school production, this means rehearsal. To seven particular boys, this means confrontation, at least today. The order of which they enter is as follows:

Mark arrives from his history lesson to an almost empty auditorium. His classroom is just down the hall and the history teacher is always just as eager to finish up early as the students are. He goes up on stage and finds the usual corner backstage for his things. He mutters a swift hello to Jimin, who is already preparing all of the paint for the last few touch-ups. She is always early and might as well have been assigned prop team leader because she has certainly been filling that role from the beginning. She does it well and the whole time they have all liked having her around. She somehow knows where everything is and how to fix issues that no one else knows how to fix.

Jackson reaches for the door handle when Jaebum turns the corner.

“Hi,” he says awkwardly to Jackson, whose movement has paused at the meeting. He pushes the handle down as he mumbles a “hello” in return. They both feel tense all the way down to the stage, where they both sigh in relief at the sight of Mark greeting them with a deeply genuine smile _because Mark always smiles at weird times_.

“Jimin says we only have the background for the last scene left to paint.”

“The one that _has_ to be perfect?” Mark nods as the three move over to the corner where Mark’s things lie messily. “Miss Kwon really cares about that last scene.” They set their things down.

“It feels like it’s all we’ve been rehearsing,” Jaebum says with dull annoyance.

Jinyoung, BamBam and Yugyeom come in together to an almost full crew. Miss Kwon has just arrived and on stage they see Jaebum being shown an outfit by that shy girl from costumes. BamBam jogs down to help the poor girl talk to Jaebum, who is almost as intimidating to her as he used to be to Yugyeom.

“I talked to her once, her cheeks looked like they were about to explode,” Jinyoung says with an adoring chuckle. “She’s so cute. She’s almost like a little cartoon.” Yugyeom joyfully snickers. Mark and Jackson come out on stage because there is no need to start painting when they can watch BamBam try and help Hana ask Jaebum if he is okay with what she chose. Jaebum is patiently waiting for her to be finished and his eyes are filled with deep interest. Mark tilts his head.

“He’s a good boy. So weird.” Mark never spends his words on that kind of conversation and Jackson gives him the furrowed eyebrows, to which Mark points his tongue at him. They giggle and bump shoulders. Jinyoung and Yugyeom reach the pile of clothes and bags and put their stuff on top. BamBam’s things soon make an appearance there too.

Youngjae comes jogging, aware that he is one of the last to arrive because his teacher was mid-lecture when the bell rang. BamBam is back in front of Jaebum with two shirts, trying to decide between them. Hana nods every time BamBam makes a point like nothing ever happened at lunch. Mark and Jackson are painting that all-important background for the ending scene like nothing ever happened at lunch. Jinyoung is slithering not-so-elegantly out of his private little box, not bothering with the door behind him like nothing ever happened at lunch. Yugyeom is showing another dancer how to do the perfect body roll and they laugh like nothing ever happened at lunch.

Youngjae explains to Miss Kwon who nods understandingly. His coat and his backpack put a finish to the pile in the corner. It looks a mess but no one notices because time is ticking and it is not long before the premiere.

“Hey Samael,” Youngjae greets Jaebum.

“Phenex,” Jaebum replies in his still stance where BamBam is testing shirts. Work faces are on and roles are being entered.

“BamBam let the man go,” Youngjae huffs in amusement. His arms cross cutely over his chest and he locks eyes with the thankful demon, not joyful about being dressed up as an angel.

“Appreciated,” he winks. Jinyoung gets a hold of Jaebum about something with his lines and Youngjae sits down by himself. He feels a bubble enclosing his personal space and he spectates the working scene as if he is not really present in it. It startles him when a whole person enters his bubble so unnoticed. “Earth to Phenex,” Jaebum comments.

“BamBam is gonna start dressing us for our scenes soon.” This point has Jaebum making a sour face as his head flops down on Youngjae’s shoulder in desperation. “I tried to warm you up for this when we were babysitting but I barely kept you from storming right out. Best of luck to BamBam.”

“Hey, that was different,” Jaebum protests.

“Different how?” The pause is stiff and Jaebum’s lips quiver at the mere thought of speaking the truth. “Just different,” he would have said if Miss Kwon had not called for them, so the question is better left unanswered.

“I want to try the last scene with the costumes that have been decided so far.” BamBam puts on his stressed look as he rushes onto the stage and grabs onto an arm of each lead. They are dragged backstage and into two new outfits.

First, there is Phenex, the devil with a soft heart. He is dressed in a flaming red suit with a black dress shirt underneath. They fit him as though they were tailored for him. If it were not as easy as the snap of a finger, Phenex would rarely look as snappy as he does every day. BamBam puts a red tie on him so it hangs loosely from his neck. Phenex would never wear it tight, maybe he wouldn’t even wear it. BamBam removes it again.

“I think that looks better,” says Samael who is now dressed in a white dress shirt tugged into a pair of trousers that are chequered into a complicated pattern of white, grey and black. A suit jacket in the same pattern is put on him. They leave the tie backstage but button his shirt to the top, whereas Phenex has his top two casually unbuttoned. BamBam gently shoves the two closer together so he can stand back and admire his work.

“Huh, Hana? Didn’t we do good?” She hums with a shy version of BamBam’s extravagant pride. “We are the best.” Hana giggles. “They’re ready, Miss Kwon.” Youngjae does a shaky twirl in his red suit and Jaebum chuckles with his arms crossed. They find a mirror.

“We look good.”

“We’d look better if we switched suits.”

“Isn’t that the whole point?”

“Yeah, I guess it is,” Jaebum says with a tiny smile on his face.

“Where’s the makeup girl?” Miss Kwon asks into the room.

“Here.” That smug-ish evil voice is not one any of the seven boys could possibly forget and it is paralyzing them in what is normally their safe space. Miss Kwon’s steps get louder and louder until she stands, short as she is, between the two frozen boys.

“You two look stunning but I have to get you to makeup now.”

“Say it’s not her, Miss Kwon,” Jaebum says in a pained voice. Miss Kwon looks over at Youngjae for answers. All he can manage to do is painfully nod. BamBam comes over with a panicked smile and pulls Miss Kwon to the side. Yugyeom and Jinyoung are already behind him and Jackson and Mark have decided to show the sweet Miss no name around every corner of the auditorium except for the one that holds the statues of what once were Jaebum and Youngjae.

“This is where Jaebum hangs around? He must hate it.”

“He’s miserable. If only he didn’t have to be here, oh look a door,” Mark blurts out in a rush. “Bye,” they say in unison as they shut the auditorium’s door and lock it.

“I’m the makeup artist, Miss Kwon.” Jackson comes smiling into the backstage area where Miss Kwon is looking more than confused.

“Thank you for offering Jackson, but Hana here has said she would do it. Apparently, that squeaky girl is an issue. She did come off as pushy, I must say,” Miss Kwon dismisses. Jaebum and Youngjae’s muscles finally relax and they breathe out in relief. Jackson breathes out, relieved now that he knows he won’t have to ruin both the leads’ faces with his poor makeup skills.

“Hana, you’re the best.” She gets squished in a group hug and comes out red as a tomato with a little smile on her face.

“It’s no problem, really. I’m here already.” She sets the two boys down in front of her and starts working. It is nothing intense, just enhancing their faces for the benefit of the people at the back of the room. That is also why Youngjae is surprised when eyeliner touches his face. He focuses his gaze somewhere above Hana’s head to avoid the intense concentration on her face and the complete fascination on Jaebum’s as he watches Hana in action with his mouth subtly open in his trance. Jaebum’s focus slips from Hana's makeup skills to Youngjae's jawline. It shapes Youngjae’s face in a way that fits right in with his smile and charming little mole.

“Maybe you should enhance that,” Jaebum mumbles to Hana with a finger pointing to the little spot right under Youngjae’s right eye.

“I was thinking the same thing,” says Hana, who has shown herself a lot more confident with this job. She finishes up on Youngjae’s face and he hops out of the chair and is instantly pulled away by an excited Jackson, who wants to show him off. Jaebum takes his place in front of Hana.

“You two are very beautiful.” Jaebum hums in amusement at the shy compliment. “You both have very charming facial details that really make you stand out.”

“Thank you,” Jaebum mumbles with as little jaw movement as possible.

“BamBam told me you have practised a lot together.” Jaebum hums because her tone of voice indicates that she is not finished speaking. “And I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but it really warmed my heart that two so different people can get along and find the qualities in one another and then mimic those in their acting. It really fascinated me to see how close you two got. Just take how you were able to point out a part of Youngjae’s face in the way you did.” Jaebum stays completely still, humming only once just to make sure she knows he listened to her. His mind takes him back to the lunch break and her words wither and turn bitter. His heart screams at the image of Youngjae’s hurt face that is stuck in his mind. She enhances his own moles as he focuses on Youngjae’s in the memory of his broken expression.

“Youngjae looks proud,” Hana informs Jaebum whose eyes are shut closed. A smile finds its way onto his face and pushes the depressing memory back. His heart is filled with warmth at the mere thought of Youngjae feeling a selfish emotion so selflessly and aimed directly at him. “He’s cute like that,” Jaebum replies without thought and surprisingly, he also feels no regret nor embarrassment over the statement. The only thing he wishes is that Youngjae didn’t hear him and it doesn’t seem so because Jaebum knows for a fact that he would have come boasting and teasing the second Jaebum had finished. He always waits for Jaebum to finish. His patience is extraordinary.

Jaebum looks at the finished product in the mirror. He needs a little time to get used to his face with makeup but he kind of digs the eyeliner. Youngjae’s was cooler but that’s obviously because he is playing the demon (yeah, obviously). He exits the chair and thanks humble Hana for the help. Without much thinking, he follows the sound of Youngjae’s laugh. It leads him on stage where he finds him goofing around with Jackson. Mark, Jinyoung, BamBam and Yugyeom sit on the floor and watch as the cute scene plays out before them like lunch never happened.

“What did you say,” Jackson threatens with a very goofy tone and a big smile spread across his bright face.

“That you’re all talk.” Youngjae is laughing with his arms shielding him from Jackson. _He is glowing with that smile._ Jackson gets into a chasing position. _Don’t his eyes crease wonderfully?_   Youngjae rushes in Jaebum’s direction. _He kind of has cute ears._ Youngjae yells out in panic and joy. _It is a wonder how piercings can enhance cuteness._ Youngjae grabs a hold of Jabeum’s arm to slow himself down and hide behind him. Jaebum snaps out of his own world and holds his arms up.

“No makeup can be ruined during rehearsals. Miss Kwon will be very displeased.” Youngjae giggles behind him and his breath tickles his neck temptingly. Jackson gives up, shooting them both a playful glance.

“Thanks, Jaebummie~” Youngjae runs off like lunch never happened and leaves Jaebum stuck in the drama that no one else seems to remember. Why has everything gone overly sweet all of a sudden and why does the sugar taste so bitter to Jaebum? He has never been called Jaebummie before and his heart did a lot of things just now, like attempting to break his ribcage among other painful things. Regaining the ability to walk, he finds himself standing next to Jackson like nothing ever happened at lunch. When Miss Kwon orders the rehearsal to start Jackson pats him on the back before running off stage like nothing ever happened at lunch.

“You know, God did pretty well with creating the moon and the stars.”

“That’s the closest thing to a compliment I have gotten from you and it’s not even about me.” Samael sounds amused yet disappointed and Phenex, knowing Samael in a deeper way than most others, hears it and feels it cut his heart open (or what is left of it at least).

“I still don’t understand why I have been put here with you… But it has been much more enjoyable than I had ever imagined it would be. I got to wake up lost parts of myself and even open my eyes up to whole new ones. All of that is thanks to you, my angel. I guess that’s what you are to me, more than you are to anyone else. You let me under your wings- Miss Kwon,” Youngjae breaks character. “A demon would never say that wing part. It’s way too cheesy.

“Yeah, Miss Kwon, he would say something like: It scares me how much I hope I haven’t hurt you too much,” Jaebum points out to which Youngjae smiles widely. Youngjae’s heart beats faster from the words that feel like they fill up more of the two boys than the characters they play. Youngjae is just about to overflow before he closes the cap. Jinyoung scribbles in his script as he does every time someone intrudes with a change in the lines.

“I’ll go again.” Jaebum puts his focus back on Youngjae who prepares to speak. “All of that is thanks to you, my angel. I guess that’s what you are to me, more than you are to anyone else. It scares me how much I hope I haven’t hurt you too deeply. It scares me that I wronged you.”

“All thanks to you, my skin has thickened.” Phenex raises an eyebrow.

“That's all I get?”

“All thanks to you, my eyes opened up to a new kind of love.” Jaebum as Samael and Youngjae as Phenex both find their hearts beating right out of their chests as Samael moves his hand gently to Phenex’s cheek that is facing away. He pushes gently at it until the other cheek meets the lips that have come forward for the same purpose.

“All thanks to you,” Samael whispers into the cheek he just kissed.

“All thanks to you,” Phenex returns.

No one sits. This feels like a standing matter all of sudden. Everyone acts like lunch definitely happened now and the tension rises high up on stage. The circle is oddly proportioned for seven people.

“I say we start with Jaebum and Youngjae,” Jinyoung attempts to strangle the tension. It somewhat works. There is nodding and a muttered yes from one of the seven boys. “Why doesn’t Jaebum come up with a word that beats Mark’s in the Youngjae word game?” Jaebum knows what this game is. It has been a hot topic between the seven of them these past months. Everyone agrees, except for Youngjae who is standing still with a blush forming on his perky cheeks.

“Alright, I can do that. I can beat fulgent.” With the pressure of five pairs of eyes right on him and the most important pair looking down at his own hands that are shyly placed in front of him. Jaebum plays his famously dull “uuuh” card to win himself some time.

“You don’t have to, Jaebum,” Youngjae reassures with anything but confidence. Jaebum looks into Youngjae’s eyes that look so lost. Jaebum’s heart begins to sting and it reminds him how much Youngjae has made him feel.

“Youngjae isn’t something to be described in one word. He is everything you have said but also a lot more than that. He contains emotions that I had forgotten how felt or never even experienced. I have now because what Youngjae also has is an incredible ability to share his emotions with others, to transfer them to other people and if he has to be one word, he is not an adjective, he is a noun, a whole thing to himself; like the sun or maybe something even brighter. He shines his light on everyone else so selflessly and with no pity, just sympathy and love. Only love, even for an angry guy like me.” Oh, the sweet sound of baffled silence. Oh, the looks of utter shock and that special one of pure love _even for an angry guy like him._ Oh, the feeling of wanting to reach over and feel Youngjae’s warmth. Oh, how Jaebum is lucky that that warmth reaches out for him and buries its sweet face in his shoulder. “Never burn out.” Jaebum’s eyes close without his authorisation and he pretends he doesn’t see, which is absurd but let the boy have his moment.

“I trust you.” This statement would make no sense in this context for anyone other than the seven boys in the auditorium.

“I won’t let you down then,” Jaebum promises as his arms fall to his side and the corner of his mouth no longer comforts itself in the softness of Youngjae’s hair. He finds Yugyeom on the other side of the circle. Nothing moves but Yugyeom’s Adam's apple as he swallows hard and BamBam’s wary look. “I wasn’t being scary to scare you. I- I wish I could have scared you less. It’s my fault that Youngjae scared you too.” He holds his hand out for Yugyeom to decide whether to grab or not. His nervous eyes find BamBam’s and they encourage him cheerfully. They talked about overcoming fears countless times but this will really seal the deal and somehow that scares him too. His hand moves and lands in Jaebum’s.

“Thank you, Jaebum.” Jaebum nods politely and Jinyoung manages to wish for Youngjae’s powers over Jaebum in a whisper that makes Youngjae stifle a giggle. The one that Jaebum has never said he likes but he does.

“I’m sorry too.” Youngjae finished laughing when a wave of guilt hit him. “Yugyeom, I hate how I acted earlier. It makes me feel like the worst possible friend I could have been. Jackson, that’s for you too. You have given me your time and your love and patience for so many years. I don’t want to ruin what we have.”

“Still going strong.” Jackson is halfway into Youngjae’s arms as he emotionally slips this cheesy line. In Youngjae’s sweet head, this is a time for the kindest laugh that soon has everyone smiling. Jackson lifts him up and twirls him around. “I love you. Friends forever.”

“Friends forever,” Youngjae repeats.

“Well, that was a good old cheesy ending,” BamBam comments. “What about you, though.” He points to Mark and Jinyoung. “Do you have something to get off your chests while we’re at this?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear, wonder what'll happen next ;) stay tuned for an update next Wednesday yall <3


	15. Sugar Sweet

**Day 36 – Thursday**

Jinyoung did have something to get off his chest yesterday. He ended up expressing his worry for Youngjae’s mental well-being due to the weight of Jaebum’s character. That is how he phrased it. BamBam had given him a look and Jinyoung had spun his ring around his finger about seven times before he could look Jaebum in the eye. “Also, the reason I’m so concerned about Youngjae is that I’ve been there myself. I, uh, it’s not easy carrying two people’s problems alone and having to walk on your tippy toes all the time is difficult too. I had trouble sleeping for a while and it really affected my life, so that’s why I brought it up, Jaebum.” Jaebum had clenched his jaw to manage his feelings. Neither end of that confession was easy. Jinyoung is one of the few people who has been a sturdy rock in Jaebum’s dizzy life. It increases the importance of the things he says, especially things like these because he knows what Jaebum is like. He knows it’s not normal for Jaebum to talk about his feelings. He knows it’s not normal for Jaebum to let someone into his mind. He knows it’s not normal for Jaebum to get off to boys, especially boys like Youngjae. Mark knows too. The only thing Mark said is that he likes spending time with Jackson but that it does not make him any less fond of his good old friends who let him into their tight friendship when he needed it the most – when he could barely speak any Korean and everyone else at school looked at him funny. He was the American kid with his foreign way of doing things. The only two people to find it intriguing were Jinyoung and JB. (Youngjae and Jackson awed at that.)

“Is this all because of me?” Jaebum looked hurt because this question had been prickling at his heart for a while and he needed some closure.

“A little,” Jinyoung said with resistance showing on his face. Youngjae stepped up to the rescue. “But it’s alright. We have done some damage control and to be fair, I was in this too.” Jaebum shifted a little in his spot but accepted this answer as Youngjae’s sweet refuge for his already scarred mind, heart, body, soul. A little bit of everything by now.

“Mark, we’re friends no matter how many new friends you make and I really like Jackson... He has done this little circle some good in this whole mess.” Jackson can’t hold his smile back and neither can Mark. “Jinyoung, I can’t believe you did all of that for me. I can’t believe you stayed friends with me.” Jinyoung shrugged in a mix of relief and some pride that his friend had reacted so calmly. It was Jinyoung’s turn to smile now and his arms ended up around a startled Jaebum.

“I guess it’s one of those times where a hug is inevitable,” Jaebum mumbled faintly.

“Not the first time, won’t be the last one either.” Jinyoung lets go of his oldest friend and they seal it (whatever it is) with a look that holds a million words. One they have known what meant since they were only kids.

It felt right to leave the auditorium and all of their negative feelings behind. The door was shut. The feelings will have dissolved in the purifying air by today _._

 _It’s okay now, right?_ Jaebum hopes so. He feels guilt still but he knows he is nowhere near the best at dealing with that feeling. He hopes that Youngjae will help him through with the great expertise he has. “I want to see where you live.” Youngjae’s shuts his locker and takes in the male in front of him like sugary coffee on his sensitive tongue. Jaebum is dressed in line with his usual style and yet something feels brighter about him. Black sneakers, a pair of ripped blue jeans and a white t-shirt with a sarcastic statement written across the chest. Mark brought it home as a present from America last summer. The whole outfit looks cute to Youngjae but he keeps quiet about that observation. The leather jacket finishes it off as per usual, probably to make up for the lack of darkness in today's look. He finds his eyes tracing the round edges of his ears that are decorated with silver and black rings and other piercings. He realises how patient Jaebum is being when he has been staring at him for about ten silent seconds.

“O-okay. We can do that today if you want to.” Jaebum chuckles. A girl on the other side of the hall zones out at the sight of his lips edging upwards into a crooked smile but Jaebum has his focus on Youngjae and his smile is not for her. Youngjae glances at it too. He likes how soft Jaebum’s lips always look and how much he wants to bite down right where Jaebum always does. He wants to see what all the fuzz is about; besides, it kills him when Jaebum does it.

“I just said I did.” Jaebum does it. His front teeth dig lightly into his lower lip – while _smiling_ \- and Youngjae gulps. He rushes it into hiding with a forced smile.

“Well, my home it is. After today's rehearsal.” Jaebum nods when Jackson finds them and rushes over to give Youngjae a friendly back hug, not afraid to show affection towards his beloved friend. Jaebum is jealous. His hands meet on Youngjae’s tummy and he rocks them back and forth softly as he talks to Youngjae about homework. Jaebum's eyes pierce through the close bond that he wants to have with Youngjae too.

“I need to find Mark and Jinyoung but I’ll see you later.”

“See you,” they say in unison. When he is out of sight, Jackson snickers to Youngjae who is beyond oblivious. The one thing his friends know better about Jaebum than he does is the jealous moments because Youngjae is blind to that kind of flatter no matter how obvious it is made. “He is so jealous of me,” Jackson says to Youngjae with his most teasing tone. Youngjae’s face grows scarlet in colour. BamBam and Yugyeom approach with curiosity.

“What’s going on here?”

“Jaebum is jealous because I hugged Youngjae in front of him.”

“He was not jealous,” Youngjae argues. Yugyeom and BamBam share a subtle look. It would make a lot of sense if he indeed is in love with Youngjae. He has been bent and broken under Youngjae’s harsh regime that is actually just soft and too gay for Jaebum to handle. He does seem interested. It’s the eyes, BamBam told Yugyeom over the phone last night. He has a special look for Youngjae. It is softer than he himself and that is what makes it stand out so much, even to the people who have seen the soft side of Jaebum. All six of Jaebum’s friends minus Youngjae see it because when Youngjae looks into Jaebum’s eyes he is too busy falling into them, being dragged closer as if they were black holes. Without all the previous drama it is too easy to fall harder. It is too easy to focus on the light in someone’s eyes. Youngjae wants to dig a hole in the ground and hide in it until his feelings go away because Jaebum is right there yet so far out of reach.

Miss Kwon knows that the air is different in the auditorium today. Jinyoung is out of his box as soon as he can get the chance and Yugyeom is a lot louder than he used to be around Jaebum, Jinyoung and Mark. “JB,” Jinyoung yells. Jaebum turns around and like a cheesy slo-mo moment in any proper romantic drama, Youngjae grabs a hold of Jaebum's arms and pulls him away from where he is standing. Jaebum forgets for a moment that he is supposed to be mad at Jinyoung for throwing a ball at him. All he feels are the fingers digging into his arm. This is the kind of grip that not even that foreign girl he fucked around Christmas can top. The kind of grip that just barely allows your hair to stay attached to your head. The kind of grip that will leave marks and red lines down your back and thighs. The kind of grip that turns pain into pleasure. Jaebum hides an unconscious moan with a stunned cough. Youngjae falls for it and that is all that matters.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to surprise you.” He steps away with that fearfully awaiting look in his eyes. Jaebum realises he is eying him angrily to hide the hungry yearning he now feels for the boy in front of him. He thanks God for his autopilot. Without it, he would have been clearly thirsting over Youngjae in front of his friends and several other students.

“No, it’s okay.” He winks at Youngjae. “Jinyoung,” he calls with thickly sarcastic joy. He and Youngjae share a playful glance that tickles all the way down to the contents of their underwear. The glance lasts a millisecond and is too short for any of them to even consider addressing to the other but strong enough for them both to feel at a loss for words. Jinyoung tilts his head as he awaits Jaebum’s next words. “You.” His hissing passes off as a less embarrassing form of frustration all thanks to devious skills. He is still thinking about it.

Phenex gets his cheek kissed again today by Samael, his unadmitted lover if you ask Youngjae. It was never supposed to be a romantic play but Miss Kwon had hints of it added to the script after seeing the boys work their magic on stage a few times. She saw something special in Jaebum and Youngjae that the original idea did not have. It is not something they have directly addressed much with each other. “Fucking script changes,” Jaebum had sighed to Youngjae when he repeatedly forgot one of his new lines but the kiss was never mentioned. As innocent as it is to kiss the cheek of someone you care about, it hits a lot of sore spots for the two actors and that is exactly what shines through to the audience that so far only consists of Miss Kwon and prompter Park _Smug_ Jinyoung. Jaebum wants to punch the grin right off his face sometimes.

“You don’t swear much anymore,” Youngjae notes aloud on his way home with Jaebum at his side.

“It depends on who I’m around.” This captures Youngjae’s interest.

“What makes it unnatural for you to swear around me then?” Jaebum chews on the question.

“Because you’re innocent as a kid. I don’t want to ruin that.” Youngjae raises his eyebrows with as much resentment as his angelic face can muster. “To be fair to you, I should have phrased it more like this: Your angelic presence is too pure to ruin with casual swearing.”

“I’ve had a taste of your angry swearing. I’d like casual swearing better; besides it suits you. Swearing suits some people and they make it sexy. It’s like that with you.” This feels unusual. There is nothing familiar about this silence. ‘Sexy’ does not exist in the spoken vocabulary between them. Youngjae has broken the barrier between thought and spoken word, one that they both thought was unbreakable or at least felt comfortable leaving unbroken. Jaebum smirks and it puts a big crack in the silence. “Shush,” Youngjae comments mid-smile.

“I didn’t say anything.”

“I felt it coming. Don’t pretend you weren’t about to say something cocky.” They nudge at each other until Jaebum’s straightness gets enough of that.

“Ah, Youngjae, stop it,” he lashes with amusement. Youngjae points his tongue at him.

“I think not,” Youngjae tests. There is no hissy fit in the world that can stop Youngjae from teasing Jaebum. He loves the annoyed look Jaebum gets as his jaw clenches and yet his eyes look amused with a hint of old anger. He loves that. He lives for that. It’s like causal swearing. It suits him. It’s sexy. Youngjae likes sexy. Jaebum is sexy. Youngjae likes Jaebum.

“Stop or I’ll start causally swearing.” If Jaebum had looked right at Youngjae when saying this he would have seen Youngjae sucking his lip between his teeth and Youngjae would have seen a glimpse of truth in Jaebum’s lying eyes. Thank god Youngjae is rustling with keys at his front door.

Youngjae shouts a hello into his home. When there is no response. He shrugs his broad shoulders and pushes his shoes off – toes to the heel and pull up. Jaebum follows as he takes in the smell. It is sweet but with a tinge of something fresh; flowers maybe. He shows Jaebum around loosely. “And this is my room,” Youngjae ends at his open bedroom door. It feels odd and misplaced to have Jaebum standing in the middle of his tiny room. Youngjae sits in his desk chair watching Jaebum take in a space that Youngjae has made for himself and himself only. He is drawn to the bookcase in which he finds a few good book titles and a corner where he has kept all his children’s books. They are worn and have definitely been read through more than once or twice. Youngjae flushes as he sees Jaebum scan the books. His eyes land on the shelf in eye height. On it, there is a little cactus in a white teacup with a fading flower pattern in a proud royal blue. It stands in its saucer. Jaebum turns to Youngjae and points with his eyebrows furrowed.

“I had a teacup with a hole in the bottom and a plant without a pot, so I made a broken thing useful. My grandma gave the cup to me. It’s very old.” His voice goes tender upon mentioning his grandmother. _He is a soft boy_ , Jaebum thinks. Next to the plant is a picture of a little boy, about 3 years old, and he is smiling like Youngjae. So are the two older kids in the picture with the exact same smile. They are all holding ice creams on a warm day somewhere.

“You have siblings.” Jaebum chuckles warmly at the picture.

“What’s so funny about that?”

“You all smile in the same way. It’s cute.” Another one of those words. Youngjae picks at the corner of his notebook with deeply red cheeks. “You look exactly like you did then but bigger. You’re the tiny one, right?”

“Yeah,” Youngjae smiles and gets up. “My siblings say I was a cheerful child, always smiling.” Jaebum stares at Youngjae reminiscing. His dreamy gaze is fixated on the picture and makes his smile so personal. Almost too personal for Jaebum to be witnessing.

“It doesn’t sound like you’ve changed much.” Their eyes meet and Youngjae smiles the biggest and dorkiest smile his feelings can muster to which Jaebum responds with the warmth of a chuckle. He ruffles Youngjae’s hair as his eyes crease. It is hard to get mad at those eyes. He wants to lean in and kiss the bridge of Jaebum’s nose. He backs away to prevent his wants from taking over his easily manipulated mind.

“I have a thing to talk to you about.” Jaebum hums. “If you think about it you didn’t say sorry to one person yesterday.” Jaebum awaits a further explanation as he nears the centre of the room again. Here stands Youngjae with his glistening eyes and his dark hair that reflects the sunlight outside his window. “Maybe you should learn how to say sorry.”

“I’ve said sorry to you before.”

“You say a lot of things to me that you don’t say to other people.” Jaebum cannot do anything but admit to Youngjae’s strong point. “I’m thinking about Yugyeom, Jinyoung, Jackson… And Donny.”

“Oh yeah.” Jaebum shivers at the memory. The aggression feels distant to him now. His fists have not been used on people for a while. Not since he punched Youngjae. He _punched_ Youngjae. He shivers again. “Him, yeah.”

“Maybe it’s time to apologise.” Youngjae sits back down in his desk chair and wheels backwards.

“You know,” Jaebum begins. He gets comfortable on Youngjae’s soft bedsheets. They have stripes on them in bright colours. Jaebum slips the fabric through his fingers as he speaks. “Since yesterday I have felt relieved but something has been nagging me. I guess it’s that.” Weird atmospheres rise when Jaebum confronts his feelings out loud so clearly and unmistakably for what they are. Not even Jaebum can explain away what he is doing now. Youngjae takes him seriously and that response not only freaks him out but makes his heart do a flip and a twirl and a little b-boying at his ugly feelings. Flowers start to grow in his usually neglected heart. “But, uhm, I don’t think I can do it alone. I need your help.” Youngjae reassures him that he will help. He smiles like he did on the picture and leaves his chair to sit on the bed. They sit opposite each other with their legs crossed. It makes Youngjae laugh.

“This reminds me of when we met after classes for the first time and I was staring at the moles on your eyelid. I got all hypnotised. It was so embarrassing.” Youngjae puts his blushing face in his hands. Jaebum laughs and shares how odd he was already feeling before he was stared down by a puppy-eyed boy.

“Man.”

“Boy.”

“Then you’re a boy too.”

“I’m definitely a man.”

“Why am I not definitely a man?”

“You’re so goofy and happy-go-lucky. You have a childlike joy with everything you do.”

“I think you’re wrong and I will gladly tell you why,” Youngjae says with his head held a little higher than usual. “Being cheerful does not make me less of an adult. Is every adult you see serious all the time? It’s not like I’m not serious sometimes. What makes me a man is that I am honest with myself. I listen to myself and I try to be the best person I can be. I’m a lot more man than a lot of so-called men out there. I also think I’m a lot more of a man than you are.” Youngjae reminds Jaebum of his mother. The way she always smiles and laughs and hugs him with all her heart. A heart that she tends to and keeps with her wherever she goes. She would never freeze her heart out like Jaebum did his. Youngjae is just like that.

“Damnit, Youngjae.” Jaebum gives Youngjae a soft push to express his annoyance to which Youngjae beams with self-claimed holiness. Youngjae offers him tea or coffee with a victorious smile that makes Jaebum growl his answer; “yes coffee… Please.” His defeat is bitterly showing.

Youngjae skips down to the kitchen, Jaebum walks. He leans up against the door frame and watches Youngjae in action. He finds his two favourite mugs from the cupboard and portions some of his trusty Nescafé into each cup. “No milk and sugar I presume,” Youngjae talks as he puts the coffee back in a cupboard and the boiler clicks so familiarly.

“I’ll take a tiny spoonful of sugar.”

“The new Jaebum is really happening, huh?” The air is sweetened as soon as Youngjae opens the lid to the sugar. “I’m trying to cut down so I’ll do a tiny spoonful for me too.” Jaebum’s eyebrows go as far up his forehead as they can go. This is new but so is Jaebum’s thing so he really shouldn’t be so surprised. The warmth has really hit the city today, so Youngjae leads Jaebum out to his terrace. The house protects them from the little wind there is so they sit comfortably in the gracious afternoon sun. Jaebum is forced to take off his leather jacket and Youngjae bites his tongue at the sight of Jaebum’s bare arms. He lingers on the tight muscles that are just a tad bigger than an average guy’s. Youngjae can tell Jaebum does some working out. He likes the look on him and he wonders what it would feel like to slide his hands up and down the skin there and maybe even let them slip under his shirt. He tries not to stare and sits back in the wooden chair instead. He closes his eyes for a moment to enjoy the oncoming summer.

“You, uhm, never mind.” Youngjae becomes self-conscious. He wipes his mouth in case it’s a spot of coffee that Jaebum is pointing out. He stares at Jaebum with silent panic. “No, don’t worry. It’s nothing.” Jaebum sits back.

“You have to tell me.” Jaebum shakes his head. “Please just tell me.” He shakes his head again. “Jaebuuuum,” Youngjae whines and Jaebum feels something far from angelic twitch so he gets his back off the back lean and faces Youngjae.

“I was just going to say that you glow even brighter in the sun than you normally do.” Without giving Youngjae a chance to take in what he just said, he sits back with the cup in his hand and stares out at Youngjae’s little garden. He takes a casual sip here and there and Youngjae stares into his milky coffee with shock. He wants to speak but Jaebum shut down the conversation just as abruptly as he opened it. He tries but all that comes out are stuttering sounds that Jaebum ignores. He gives up on speaking and remembers what his parents had told him when he was younger and trying to figure himself out. _“Sometimes it’s hard to speak your mind. Use music instead.”_ He had always used music as a release for his frustrations or for any mood really. Never in his life, has he started singing into the open air in front of someone because talking just won’t cut it. Youngjae is good at talking; that is until this moment, of course.

“There are times when you feel you can never be okay. You can just be still for a while. You don’t have to try. When the moonlight is the only right way to feel that you’re okay.

You just close your eyes,  
Let your stars fall down,  
they will never dry,

Oh, how brave, oh how brave you are, how you’re not afraid to let your scars try to fool who you are. Oh, how brave, oh how brave you are. You just close your eyes, let your stars fall down, they will never dry.” Youngjae is staring out at his garden too. He sips on his coffee at the feeling of his throat drying up. The intervals between each heartbeat get painfully short. “Do you ever feel like you have no one to turn to?”

“What?”

“That’s the name of the song, not that you have to care.” His clutch on the mug gets harder as he feels Jaebum turn his head to look at him again.

“Why’d you sing that song?” Youngjae seeks out Jaebum’s piercing eyes like a fool.

“It’s like I showed you with the piano.” Jaebum understands immediately.

“Your voice is m-mesmerising.” He hesitates with such a strong word but lets it slip in a moment of weakness lived through the hint of pain in Youngjae’s eyes. Youngjae musters a small smile and a calming sip of his coffee.

“I don’t sing in front of people if it’s not just for laughs.”

“I’m not just people to you. Just as you aren’t just people to me.” The magic has been worked because now they talk about all the things they have wanted to, needed to. Jaebum wants to tell him. Jaebum won’t tell him everything today. “You’re special to me and I apologise if I made you feel like you are not.” Youngjae nudges Jaebum’s leg with his foot. The flatter makes him mute and he takes another sip of his coffee. “I have never not needed a cigarette as much as I do when I’m in your company.” Youngjae almost chokes on the coffee.

“Are you saying you’re addicted to me instead?” His laugh rings through the whole garden. Jaebum doesn’t even bother to object. He is too busy getting lost in the smile in front of him. The sun is nothing compared to this. “Because I would love that.” The filter is gone and neither of them cares to go on a search for it. Youngjae finishes his coffee in a few big gulps as the rush of a smiling Jaebum takes over him. “You better not get mad when I hug you!” Youngjae beams as he stands. He pulls Jaebum out of his chair and embraces him in a tight hug. Jaebum’s nose goes discreetly to Youngjae’s hair and his arms wrap around his petite waist. Their heads spin in the light atmosphere that surrounds them. Youngjae is about two head motions from biting Jaebum’s neck and he wishes he was allowed to do that. It smells sweet this close to his skin and it takes a strong inhale not to let his body react to that.

“I’ll find a way to help you say sorry.”

**Day 37 – Friday**

Mark is the one to suggest that they sit with the four others for lunch. The table is big enough and everyone is in a cheerful mood. It’s Friday and there are band-aids on the wounds – and the band-aids have hearts on them. It’s like walking on clouds when they tread past the table of girls who have nothing better to do than interest themselves with school drama and boys with leather jackets. Jinyoung winks at the girl who always looks right at him. He pimps up his collar and Mark swings his arm around his shoulder. None of them cares that there are looks coming from different ends of the cafeteria as they all sit down together. Everyone expects them to act like lunch yesterday has ruined them for good. For a while, the only safe space was the auditorium but Jaebum is feeling bright when Youngjae shines on him so now every space with Youngjae in it is a safe space.

“It’s gonna be so weird to have a rehearsal weekend. I had no idea we had to sleep here before we got that email,” Jackson opens after all the hi’s and getting comfortable in the uncomfortably hard chairs.

“Really?” Jinyoung asks. He obviously hasn’t checked his email this morning and it seems that Jaebum and Mark haven’t either. “I thought we just had to be there in the daytime.”

“According to Miss Kwon’s email, it’s to keep us as focused on the work as possible,” Youngjae explains.

“The last push, she called it.” Jackson raises both of his eyebrows at this and his smile is clearly sarcastic. “Like we haven’t had enough of those.” Youngjae nudges his shoulder against Jackson’s. “Yah, Choi Youngjae. You always hit me. You better stop.” He raises his voice but he sounds anything but outraged. Youngjae smiles at Jackson’s dramatic reaction and he earns himself a soft hug from his teddy bear of a friend, Jackson Wang.

“You’re cute, China man.” Jackson wiggles his shoulders and squeals as he does when he finds something super-duper fluffy and cute. BamBam locks eyes with Mark because they both saw the split second of darkness in Jaebum’s eyes as he watched Jackson and Youngjae have another one of their endless little moments.

“Imagine an empty school all to ourselves.” BamBam smirks. “All the mischief we could fill into one weekend.” He gets a sleazy look in his eyes and it makes Yugyeom jump up and down in his seat, Jackson gives him one back and Youngjae rests his forehead defeatedly on Jackson’s shoulder.

“Don’t do anything that will get us busted. I still remember Yugyeom’s 18th birthday. Let’s not repeat that scandal,” Youngjae lectures in his own cute way that makes Jaebum smile from the sideline. BamBam glances at the smile and he elbows Yugyeom in the ribs as subtly as possible. Mark smiles at BamBam and Yugyeom.

“What happened on Yugyeom’s 18th?” Jinyoung asks with an intrigued smile.

“BamBam, the acclaimed idiot, thought it would be a good idea if we would celebrate that our youngest was all grown up with the rest of us. He took us out to some bar and got Yugyeom piss drunk.” Yugyeom’s face flushes at the memory of that night. “And,” Youngjae laughs. “And when he had to pee on our way back to his house, he was about to pee up against an electric fence.” They hiss at the mere idea while BamBam cringes at what is about to come and Jackson is trying to contain his laughter. Yugyeom is hiding his eyes behind his big hands. “But, of course, completely wasted Jackson still has amazing reflexes and he turned Yugyeom around, so instead of hitting the fence he hit BamBam’s leg.” Disgusted sounds come from the three of them as Jackson bites his arm in amusement.

“I still hate you for that, Jackson.”

“Better than my dick being electrocuted,” Yugyeom argues.

“How did that get you in trouble, though?”

“Oh yeah, Yugyeom had forgotten his keys, so we were outside shivering and laughing and with BamBam smelling like piss. They have a key outside but it’s hidden in a plant at the back that you have to crawl up to get.”

“You can guess how that went,” Jackson teases Yugyeom. “His hip was blue the next day.”

“So were his knees but that’s cause he had been grinding on the floor earlier.”

“Stoooop,” Yugyeom whines.

“Anyway, his parents woke up from all the noise and greeted us at the door to everyone’s surprise. We all fell back in surprise and BamBam screeched about the piss on his leg.”

“This should teach you boys a thing or two about alcohol, they said.” BamBam cringes.

“About a thousand times too,” Yugyeom adds. “But my parents are cool and we laughed about it in the morning. They even made us an unforgettable hangover meal. That doesn’t make it any less embarrassing though.”

“You know, when I said mischief, I didn’t quite mean it like that,” BamBam tells Youngjae and his tone tells Youngjae that he would rather have had that story hidden away safely than out in the open like this.

“Wow, we can’t even top that,” Jinyoung laughs with a hand over his mouth. He has a very distinct laugh that brings a lot of charm to his character.

“I think we can,” Mark hints with the edge of his mouth going up into a sneaky smirk.

“Oooh no no no no,” Jinyoung orders with his motherly tone. “That’s for another time. Let’s save that for rehearsal weekend.” Jaebum’s eyes have gone wide as well. They almost pop right out of his head at the suggestion.

“Dear god, I hope they forget before next weekend,” Jaebum prays. The four look at each other with a merciless excitement in their eyes.

“We won’t, Im Jaebum, we won’t.”


	16. Saying Sorry

**Day 40 – Monday**

Youngjae: _I c u ;)_

Jaebum: _What the hell. Where are you?_

Youngjae: _Not behind you. Look straight ahead._

Youngjae is leaning up against a tree. He is wearing a pastel pink hoodie and blue jeans. The wind makes it a chilly day but the sun is out so it is the perfect opportunity for sunglasses. He stands there waiting with a nonchalant grin until Jaebum catches up. Jaebum wonders why Youngjae is here because it is not on the route from his house to school.

“I’ve gotten so tired of contacts. I think I’m gonna drop them,” Youngjae conversates as they waddle to school as close together as they can get and still be playing it off as a natural distance for friends who don’t like physical contact. Jaebum knows Youngjae loves physical contact and Youngjae has a slight idea that Jaebum loves it too.

“You wear contacts?”

“Mhm,” Youngjae hums. “I’ve had bad eyesight for a long time and had glasses for a while. I thought I would try contacts this year to see what it’s like but they’re more of a pain than glasses.” Jaebum hums approvingly, more at the thought of Youngjae wearing glasses than anything else.

“I have a pair at home too. I can live just fine without them unless I’m working on music,” Jaebum chuckles. He almost forgets to breathe from the sparks in Youngjae’s eyes at the words 'working on music'. Jaebum feels lucky to be one of the things that can make Youngjae bring his hands together from pure excitement.

“You never told me you do music.” Youngjae bounces up and down with excitement and Jaebum finds it miraculous so early in the morning. At this time of day, his energy levels are the equivalent of a sloth’s.

“I don’t so much anymore but I used to. I have a lot of equipment at home and used to love writing lyrics. The level of concentration requires that I have a pair of glasses, though, or I’ll get a headache.”

“That’s a nice visual, at least in my mind.” Jaebum raises an eyebrow. Youngjae is right near giving up on that eyebrow thing.

“Gimme a little description of that visual then,” Jaebum demands curiously. His smirk is so annoying Youngjae wants to bite it away. He growls instead but Youngjae is not a very intimidating person, so he just looks adorable which is almost worse for Jaebum.

“Just you in your room buried in paper with your gear around you. An organised mess, if you will. Maybe your hair’s a little messy and you push up your glasses once in a while from the middle. You’re not a side pusher like me. At some point, you do a turn in your chair and you get up to have a cigarette. When you come back you grab the pencil again and you bite the end while you think. Then at some point lyrics just fly right out of you and your hand can barely keep up with your mind, you know.” Youngjae has gotten completely lost in his thoughts. “And then you play it on your piano with your strong hands, the veins have kind of popped because you’ve been writing so much, until you have the perfect song. I bet you have a great voice too,” Youngjae dreams out loud. His smile reveals as much as his words until his eyes find Jaebum’s. He smacks a hand across his mouth and his eyes stare stiffly ahead of him. Jaebum laughs loudly.

“Ah, Choi Youngjae, that was really something.” Youngjae nudges his shoulder against Jaebum’s with a face as red as a tomato and whines of regret. “I’m quite flattered by that description,” he teases the lump of self-resentment next to him.

“Stooooop.”

Jaebum teases the poor boy all the way to school where they part for their individual classes. Youngjae spends class trying to get over the situation meanwhile Jaebum has forgotten all about class as Youngjae’s words stick in his mind. _Strong hands_ , he thinks, wondering what made Youngjae notice this about him. He finds it most probable to be from the scene where Youngjae brushes his fingers over the top of Jaebum’s hand to find signs of wrongdoing on the angel’s hands. It’s one of Phenex’s powers and it bugs the living hell out of Samael. _Pun intended_.

The group's peace was short-lived, they find. The girls walk after them for most of the lunch break and get ignored until the queen bee pokes Jaebum on his shoulder and all hell breaks loose. Rule of thumb: _Don't poke a demon on the shoulder._ When Jaebum turns around, both groups freeze completely. Everything but Jaebum is completely on pause.

“For god’s fucking sake would you leave us alone? What I do and who I befriend has nothing, I repeat, nothing to do with you. It is none of your business and, quite frankly, nosy girls like you don’t have a chance with me. I have a life that goes beyond an interest in everyone else’s. There’s barely any drama at this school anyway; why do you even bother? I don’t know your name and I don’t care one bit so just grab your girlies and leave us the fuck alone. We’re much better off without you tailing us every damn day.” Mark and Jinyoung have on their old smirks as they step up next to Jaebum and clap him on the back.

“Beautiful,” Jinyoung comments. Youngjae is hiding behind Jaebum’s back with his eyes on his friends. He bites his bottom lip with panic in his eyes. He gets nothing but teasing looks in return. Jackson claps him on the shoulder but that is about it for comfort. They find his absolute obsession with Jaebum hilarious.

“Let’s go,” Jaebum growls and Youngjae quickly hides any sign of unconditional love and concentrates on putting one leg in front of the other. Jackson, BamBam and Yugyeom talk for the rest of the lunch break about how cool it was. Jaebum enjoys the compliments and secretly wishes more of them would be coming from Youngjae. All he does, though, is smile at him. At some point, he mumbles something to Jackson and hands him his bag. He disappears into the bathroom and comes back with eyes framed by thin round glasses. Jackson squeaks with excitement and the others compliment him as he shyly sits back amongst them. While Youngjae explains the glasses as he did to Jaebum that same morning, Jaebum takes the opportunity to stare without it smelling fishy to the others. The round shape suits his cute face and they make his eyes even harder for Jaebum to look into with pretend-ease. It is never done with ease but rather with half a heart attack and a lump in his throat to go through the trouble of pretending it bears no meaning to him. It is especially hard when Youngjae turns his head to look at Jaebum just to make sure he heard or saw the funny thing that just happened like it makes it more fun if he can laugh with Jaebum.

“Do you like them, Jaebum?” All attention is turned to Jaebum, who puts maximum effort into his best effortless smile, the crooked one that all the girls swoon at; all the girls – and Youngjae. He steals another glance at anxious Youngjae in front of him. He tries to hide how important Jaebum’s opinion is to him but everyone can tell he is dying for a compliment.

Jaebum starts nodding approvingly. “It suits you well. Cute, very cute.” As Youngjae descends into his own soul, around the world and back again and Jaebum tries keeping his cool, the remaining boys share glances and secretive smiles that they wish they could add words to but that is no easy task when the subjects of conversation are both sitting right there.

“Say thank you, Youngjae,” BamBam teases.

“Thank you,” Youngjae says on perfect cue with barely any stuttering. His smile shows again and Jaebum smiles back in another moment a weakness. _He has a lot of those lately._ Yugyeom squeezes BamBam’s arm with secret excitement.

Jaebum, Jinyoung and Mark get together for group work in psychology. The students spread out to find a suited place for them to study. This, of course, empties the classroom more or less completely. Only the trio in question and another group stay behind.

“How’s that cognitive dissonance thing going for you?”

“I scratched out all the options,” Jaebum complains.

“All of them?” Jinyoung asks with that doubtful glare of his.

“Except for one… The first one.” Mark and Jinyoung smile at each other and Jaebum panics. “What? What do you know?”

“I think you’ve somewhat succeeded,” Mark chuckles. Jaebum furrows his eyebrows. “More than you give yourself credit for at least.”

“Give it a little bit of thought.” Jaebum tumbles the idea around in his brain. He thinks of his first weeks of the play compared to the last one. The difference between coldly closed and playfully serious suddenly dawns on him. When he pretends to be cool now, he does it so softly that his efforts are barely even noticed. The way he, Youngjae and their friends fool around during rehearsals makes him realise that he threw his guard out of the window somewhere along the line and it is now burning in hell where it should be.

“Oh.” And a pause. “Like that… But I still haven’t…” What does one say when one does not desire to feel certain shameful feelings? The kind that are hard to resist but impossible to admit. Jaebum has been having a secret thought lately; he wants a world with no one but Youngjae and himself in it. In that world, there would never even have been a guard in the first place just pure- _Stop._

“You still haven’t.” Jinyoung and Mark both know what it means and this is probably the one thing Jaebum has yet to learn how to talk about, so they leave it here. Jinyoung winks at him as the last sign of acknowledging Jaebum’s frustrating feelings. “It’s been a while since we’ve had a proper update. How’s it going with everything?” Jaebum releases a reluctant grumble. “Come on, we need all the dirtiest details.”

“Got none of those, I’m afraid.” See, old Jaebum would have flipped at a comment like that. No homo and all that other bullshit. New Jaebum shakes his head stubbornly and lets it slide. “We just talked and had coffee.”

“Jaebum, you know that not one of your lies has every slipped past us, so just spill the beans.” He inhales deeply as if loading for the sigh he releases just after.

“I saw a picture of him and his siblings when he was three and apparently his whole family smiles like that,” Jaebum lets them know with a little smile of his own.

“That makes sense. His smile is iconic so I could imagine it’s a genetic thing,” Mark says with a lot of happiness for Jaebum’s smile. Jinyoung makes a little noise of excitement as he awaits more from Jaebum.

“I told him he shines brighter in the sunlight and then he sang this song… Do you feel like you have no one to turn to? I’ve been thinking about it a lot.” Both of his friends question this without words. “How brave you are, how you’re not afraid to let your scars try to fool who you are,” he quotes with thought. “He didn’t just sing that. He meant it.”

“Youngjae is a very reflecting person,” Mark concludes. “That’s a very good observation.”

“Observation,” Jaebum mutters with much offence taken. He crosses his arms and sulks in his own foolishness. He thinks about the wise Youngjae and how he has Jaebum annoyingly figured out and how annoyingly sweet he is about it. There is nothing more annoying than a truly good person. If only angels like him would sin some more.

“That glare doesn’t work for you anymore. It just looks cute and sulky now.” Jaebum growls at Jinyoung who laughs merrily.

“Why don’t we start doing some work here,” Jaebum suggests with annoyance.

Rehearsals start and there is a guest amongst the crew. “I brought Donny,” Youngjae beams. Jaebum knows what he has to do but he doesn’t know when or how and wasn’t Youngjae here to make it easier, not harder? Jaebum gives him the eyes and Youngjae shows Donny over to BamBam.

“Look Jaebum,” Youngjae starts with a lowered voice. “I thought about it and sorry is always gonna be a difficult thing to say. It hurts your pride and we have already had that conversation. I just think that it might be easier to apologise to Donny for what you did to him first rather than going straight in for Jinyoung or Yugyeom or someone else who knows a lot more about you than your angry eyes, you know?” Jaebum nods with defeat. His eyes travel down to Youngjae’s feet where they stay. “Hey, I’m here to help you along okay. You won’t be left alone but I can’t do it for you.” It almost hurts how easily Youngjae accepted Jaebum’s silent honesty. Maybe he would feel better if Youngjae would yell at him because there is a bit of shame in the way he is feeling things now. Why can’t he just do exactly what the world (meaning Youngjae) wants him to do? Is he a disappointment? Why is it so hard to do things in new ways? He wants to go back but his heart stopped being numb and now it hurts whenever he forces it in the opposite direction of what it wants.

Youngjae squeezes his arm with light pressure and Jaebum looks back up to nod solemnly at him. He goes off to find Donny. It seems that, from every corner of the room, every one of his friends has their eyes on him as he goes up to Donny and says his name. BamBam steps away but he is still there and he is still looking.

“That day… It’s not something I’m proud of having done. For every day that passes I wish more and more that I could take a few steps back and redo the past few months with a lot less aggravation. If I could undo what my fists have done, disconnected from my brain, I would. So, I’m trying to say that I regret deeply what I did. I’m sorry, Donny. I won’t ever hurt anyone like that again. I hope you can forgive me but even if you can’t, that’s okay. I would understand.”

“It’s okay. It scared me to death what you did but I don’t hold grudges towards people who I can tell really feel ashamed of what they have done. I don’t want you to live with that just as much as I don’t want myself to live in fear. No one should have to go back to bad memories and feel unresolved. It may never become a good memory but at least it can be put to rest. Thank you for apologising to me. I forgive you.” Jaebum has never felt like this before. So set free by another person’s words. Youngjae has done similar things to him but this a new kind of special. He feels infinitely grateful towards Donny who forgave him and Youngjae who helped him do it.

“If you need someone to eat with, you can always come sit with us, okay?” Donny smiles at the offer and nods.

“I’ll get going now but thanks again.”

Jaebum stands still as a statue while his body experiences this new sensation. It wakes up when Youngjae runs right into his back and wraps his arms around his stomach. He whispers proud and encouraging words to Jaebum who is still quiet. His hands wrap around Youngjae’s and his eyes close so can fully enjoy the moment powered by love.

“I’m so proud of you,” Youngjae whispers and Jaebum feels his smile pressed into his shoulder. It doesn’t burn anymore. It tickles him and his muscles tighten then they relax. His eyes open and the sight of Jinyoung’s smug smile wakes him up. He lets go of Youngjae’s hands with one last squeeze.

“Work,” Jaebum simply states and walks away with his hands fiddling for a less uncomfortable spot to rest. Youngjae and Jinyoung lock eyes with each other and smile at the flustered effort. “Well, let’s work I guess,” Youngjae grins and walks in the direction that Jaebum went in.

It is so precious to Youngjae how Jaebum has a newfound joy about him. When he laughs because there isn’t a reason not to, it makes Youngjae melt. If he only knew what a grip he has on Youngjae and how much every single thing he does makes Youngjae react in some way. Rehearsal goes by with ease and a lot of smiling.

“Beautifully done everyone. See you tomorrow,” Miss Kwon shouts out.

“Guys,” Jaebum says when everyone but the seven friends has left. “I actually want to say sorry to all of you for the trouble I caused. I think I made everyone here hurt a little in some way and I feel so bad about that. Jinyoung and Mark have always meant a lot to me but the four of you have come to mean a lot to me too…” Jaebum looks away from all the smiling faces. Sure, he’s happy but why does everyone seem happier than him? Why is life just a little easier for everyone but him? Why does he feel so alone with so many people around him? He tries to smile but now it just seems wrong. “I’m really exhausted now. Let’s head home,” he suggests and luckily everyone agrees with this.

They split into smaller and smaller groups as they all turn corners to get home. In about two minutes, Jaebum and Mark will split ways too and Jaebum will have space to feel what he is feeling.

“JB, are you good?” Jaebum nods. “I think you’re lying cause both Jinyoung and I sensed that something is off.”

“I think I just need to go home and think or something.” Mark puts a hand on his shoulder. It’s warm and full of comfort but that can only do so much to a sadness that has dug this deep.

“Call if you need to talk… And there’s your mum too. Take care, okay?” Jaebum nods again. He barely dares to speak in case it will start a waterfall in his eyes. He mumbles a goodbye to Mark at the corner and walks home with hasty steps from there. At home, he kisses his mother on the cheek and tells her he’ll take a short nap.

Jaebum slides his jacket off and lets it hit the floor. He sits down on his bed and pulls his socks off. He can barely gather the energy to take his trousers off so he leaves them on. He lies down on the bed with his head full of thoughts and his heart dark with misery. He looks over at his bedside table. Like Youngjae, he has a picture of his family. In his, there is a little five-year-old Jaebum with a purple bucket hat sitting squished in between his parents. All three of them have big grins on their faces and love in their eyes. Why couldn’t it have stayed that way? Why hadn’t someone seen the sadness before it overruled the happiness? A tear rolls down Jaebum’s cheek, then another and then he is weeping into his pillow. It relieves the worst bit of the pain and that is all he asks at this moment. “Take it away,” he whispers. “I’m so sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about that ending but I promise that an explanation will come soon.


	17. Crying Clouds

**Day 41 Tuesday**

Jaebum has managed to put aside his burdensome feelings for when he is alone in his room. At school, he can almost forget about it, especially when he goes into the auditorium to rehearse with Youngjae whose smile is blinding and full of the love Jaebum has come to crave more than he is willing to admit.

Some would say they barely need to rehearse any of the scenes again and Miss Kwon fits perfectly into that category so she focuses on the few scenes where both Youngjae and Jaebum are off stage. For these parts, they sit in a corner and talk about any nerves or general thoughts they are having about actually doing this in front of more people than just the crew that they have gotten comfortable being around. “I get kind of nervous when I think about it,” Youngjae shares.

“I’m sure there is no need to be nervous and in the weekend, we’ll rehearse the whole thing through several times so we can get a feel of it.” Jaebum is getting better at the comforting thing.

“Yeah but it still freaks me out a little bit.”

“I’ll be there next to you and Jinyoung is the best prompter in the history of prompters according to himself so you just have to remember that you aren’t alone. I hope that helps.” Jaebum is getting a whole lot better at the comforting thing. Youngjae nods.

“It does.”

During a break, Jinyoung has found out that BamBam is about as light as a feather so there is a new hobby for him to pick up _literally_. They start racing across the stage and taking time. Everyone but the seven of them is out getting coffee so the space is theirs for ten minutes. Jaebum gets competitive as soon as he sees Jinyoung with BamBam on his back and runs to sweep Youngjae onto his own.

“You think you can beat me?” Youngjae holds onto Jaebum for dear life as they align at one end of the stage. Jackson moves to the other end to judge who crosses the invisible finish line first in case it is a close race. Mark shouts “1, 2, 3, GO!” and they are off with Youngjae and BamBam bouncing on their backs. Jaebum puts his angry chin forward but this time from the adrenaline of the competition. BamBam makes some of his out of place sex noises that Youngjae hopes to god are not his actual sex noises. Jaebum comes first by enough to make him drop Youngjae, turn around and pick him back up in victory without asking Jackson for the result. He puts Youngjae back down because he was a millisecond away from kissing him in the glory of the small victory and it freaks him out. He can barely trust his instincts anymore.

“2Jae wins!” Jackson announces. Youngjae and Jaebum stop and stare at Jackson whose hand has been slapped over his mouth. Yugyeom and BamBam have put on their collective look of disappointment while Jinyoung and Mark have frozen in a frightened state of not knowing how Jaebum will react to this. “Hah, yes,” Jackson breaks the silence. “Congratulations.” He waves his invisible flags with a face of someone who wants to delete everything that has just happened.

“W-what?” The 2Jae thing has not been shared with 2Jae themselves because the reaction was predicted to be something along the lines of what is happening now. Youngjae has gone red as a tomato and Jaebum has his serious face on, he is loud without making a sound and it scares Jackson enough to actually bow and apologise to Jaebum. Youngjae swoops in as soon as his feet will let him move.

“Jaebum, don’t do something you’ll regret later.” Before he has a chance to respond people start coming back into the room and the seven of them have to unfreeze and pretend Jackson didn’t just call Youngjae and Jaebum by their _secret_ ship name.

Jackson avoids Jaebum and confides in Mark with his worries. “I saw him hit Youngjae in the face and you did too,” he whispers in panic. “He’s gonna kill me and on top of my tragic death, he’ll be mad at Youngjae.” Mark grabs Jackson by his shoulders to stop him from bouncing nervously up and down in his seat.

“Look, Jaebum has changed a lot since then, you know that. Actually, I think Youngjae has control over this situation. Have a little faith in your friend.” Mark's words calm him down enough to do his job that basically just consists of talking to Mark at this point.

“We’re a lot of foreigners in this group,” Mark comments.

“Yeah, we are. We might be idiots but at least we’re cultural and exotic as fuck.” Jackson does a little wiggle and Mark laughs merrily. “You’ve been here since you were 11, right?” Jackson asks.

“Mhm, what about you?”

“I was 10 and BamBam was 9. We came around the same time and ended up in the same class. We stuck together because we both knew English and no Korean whatsoever and then adorable kiddo Choi Youngjae came and said ‘hello, my name is Youngjae’ in English, Thai and Chinese with a shy baby Yugyeom behind him. What a day.” Jackson loves thinking back to those times because they make him remember how much it is possible to go through with a few good friends and a positive mindset. He smiles at Mark because he has become one of those good friends along with Jinyoung and Jaebum despite the things that are happening. Like everything else, they will pass and make them stronger and closer; Jackson is sure of it. “I’m so grateful for where I ended up.”

“Me too, Jackson,” Mark says in a quiet and velvety tone. He says it in English and something about that makes his words more important.

Mark urges the reluctant Jaebum to stay like Youngjae has asked him to. “Talk it out, okay? You don’t have to let this be a big problem.” Jaebum puts his bag back down and turns to Youngjae. He is standing up on the empty stage, reminding them both of the many afternoons they spent here at the beginning of this whole chaos. It seems a little lost on Jaebum right now in the middle of his anger trip with the tinge of sadness that hangs on by the corner of his eye. Youngjae spots it, as per usual, but is too busy with the anger to mention it at this critical time. Surprisingly, Jaebum is the one to speak first.

“They all knew about that. They’ve been calling us that without us knowing for who knows how long,” Jaebum frantically explains. Youngjae nods calmly. “Why aren’t you mad?”

“Sure, it’s a little weird but they were just having fun. They weren’t doing it to make us mad or they would have told us… Obviously.” Youngjae is pretty certain that he will need to do a lot more than just say that to get Jaebum to calm down. “It’s not like they think we’re together.” Jaebum walks up to Youngjae with heavy steps and for the first time in a while, Youngjae feels Jaebum spark fear in him.

“Of course not. We’re guys and just because you’re gay doesn’t mean I am,” Jaebum spits with just enough disgust to make Youngjae’s heart shrink and fall but then Youngjae gets angry at Jaebum’s anger. He thinks of the things that Jaebum told him about pride and what kind of pride is worth fighting for. Jaebum thinks about the pride that he can’t lose when the (no longer unfamiliar) guilt kicks in.

“Yah! Im Jaebum!” Jaebum is startled by the anger in Youngjae’s voice; so is Youngjae. None of them expected Youngjae to explode. “You said that love is nothing but being able to show affection so what is this now? You let me hug you one day and the next I’m a piece of trash because of my sexuality? You contradict yourself whether you love me as a friend or you don’t. You’re lying to yourself just as much as you’re lying to everyone else and I’m incredibly sorry for you. So, if you meant what you said about love then fucking show me that. Prove to me that you didn’t just throw some bullshit at me because the truth is a little too scary for you to face.”

“I’ll show you.” Jaebum walks off the stage and pulls his bag off the chair with force. “Goodbye, Youngjae. I don’t think I need to explain to your reflecting mind what this means,” he spits and walks off with stains of his bitterness left all around the huge room. Youngjae stares at the door with some false hope that Jaebum will come running back with soft words and concern to be traced in his eyes. He is about to give up when his phone vibrates in the pocket of his jeans. He has never checked his phone that fast. He sighs with disappointment.

He gives up.

“Hi, Jackson.”

“Oh no. You don’t sound like it went ideally.”

“He got mad so I got mad and then he stormed out. I’m tired of being left behind like this.”

“You sound like you need someone to come pick you up, take you home and cuddle you for a little bit. If you want, I can bring some of the cookies I made the other day.”

“Yes, please. That sounds really perfect.”

“I’ll be there in ten. Meet me at the gate.”

“Love you,” Youngjae says like he really needs to hear it back.

“I love you too, my otter. Hold tight.” Youngjae almost feels the little kiss that Jackson gives him through the phone. There is nothing like the unconditional love of a best friend.

Youngjae is embraced in a strong hug once Jackson gets to school. Something about the all-knowing comfort makes him break down into tears. “Oh, little man. I wish you could always be happy.” Jackson sways them back and forth until Youngjae’s sobs turn to sniffles. “Have a tissue and let’s go.” Jackson takes Youngjae’s hand in his and they walk to Youngjae’s house.

“I’ve got this. Don’t worry,” Jackson explains to Youngjae’s concerned mother. She nods at Jackson who has everything under control as always. They shut the door to his room and sit down on his bed.

“Thank you so much,” Youngjae mutters into the cookie that Jackson just handed him. “You’re always there for me like this. It means the world to me.” Jackson smiles at his hurting friend before bringing him in for a forehead kiss. In no way does he mind dropping everything he has in his hands to help Youngjae because a sad Youngjae means a sad, well, everyone else and he knows how much Youngjae can feel hurt over people he really cares about. He doesn’t want his friend feeling like that.

Youngjae explains the whole scene in greater detail than over the phone and Jackson is completely on Youngjae’s side. “I’m sorry I started this. It slipped right out of me. I think this will be over quickly for all it helps. Jaebum cares a lot about you whether he likes it or not. He just has to suck it up and deal with it.”

Youngjae’s sister comes in upon hearing of the puffy eyes and Jackson’s presence. “Hey boys, is everything okay?” Jackson shakes his head so she comes closer. “Is it about Jaebum?” Jackson nods this time so she takes a seat next to Youngjae.

“He called me gay like I’m filthy; like he’d have to take a shower after I’d touched him.” The tears return to Youngjae’s eyes. Words can sting coming from a person that important and so in possession of your trust that you have no control over it anymore no matter how bipolar they may act.

“Sweet Youngjae, it sounds to me like he is battling with some sexuality issues himself. If he really thought that then he wouldn’t have been friendly towards you for that long prior to this. Sounds like he made it up in the heat of the moment as a defence mechanism.” She claps Youngjae gently on the thigh. “Remember when you told me that there was a phase where the word gay would make you cringe like it was poisonous. You tried to orientate yourself as little around that word as possible because it stung you and maybe Jaebum is doing the same thing. Maybe he doesn’t even understand it properly himself.”

“That would make sense!” Jackson gets instantly worked up. “He got really pissed because I called them 2Jae by accident, he really wasn’t supposed to hear that, and his face went stone cold. Youngjae was just embarrassed. Oh, and he got really jealous the other day when I was hugging Youngjae.” He smiles at Youngjae.

“Sounds like he loves ya a tiny bit,” his sister teases and he blushes.

At this moment BamBam and Yugyeom come through the door. “Hi, we heard there was a comfort Youngjae party happening so we came as quickly as we could,” BamBam announces. “With banana milk,” Yugyeom announces holding up a white plastic bag.

“Cute,” Jackson comments and shuffles around to make room for a circle on the bed. “We’re currently finding out that Jaebum might be very gay or just into Youngjae.” BamBam and Yugyeom look at each other like they know exactly what they know and the three others have curious question marks in their eyes and above their heads.

“Well… Some time ago, when Jaebum had really fucked up with you, we overheard a conversation he had with Mark and Jinyoung, you know, by accident.”

“I think Jinyoung said something like: You have to show him if you really care about him because these mood swings are hurting him and you,” Yugyeom finishes.

“But how does that prove he’s in love with Youngjae?” BamBam clears his throat with great importance.

“Mark looked back at us and he gave me this look that made me completely sure. He says a lot without really saying anything that boy.”

“I believe that,” Jackson scoffs at his silent friend.

“And during lunch Friday, whenever you two were having a little skinship moment, Jaebum’s lips got real thin and Mark would look over at us because all three of us noticed. That must mean something.” It’s quiet in Youngjae’s room. Everyone has frozen to their spots at the realisation, even the ones who knew already, because now Youngjae knows too and that changes the game completely.

“Oh my god, Jaebum is really in love with you.”

Within two minutes of getting home, Jaebum’s room has turned into a recording studio. It has been a while since it looked like this. He thinks of Jinyoung’s proud face and maybe Youngjae’s baffled one. His music is not something he talks about often and is something he put on the shelf long ago. Now it has been collecting dust for long enough and Jaebum is itching for an outlet bigger than the cigarettes that are starting to feel useless between his dry lips. He needs an outlet that doesn’t involve people. This is just for him. He writes a whole song and then another one before he goes to bed at 2 am in a whirlwind of thoughts that has temporarily calmed down.

Upon finishing the first song, he stares at the lyrics like the words are foreign to him. They feel unreal outside of his mind where they can be seen and heard. “Why am only I being fooled? I know it too. The truth is, I’m scarred with wounds. It’s weird even though I know I can’t let you go, _baby._ ” _Ow_ , the lyrics start to hurt his heart as he reads them out loud. They are too close to the truth that he wants to distance himself from. “I will embrace you until I’m drenched in blood.” He shuts his eyes tightly and starts singing: “If this is a sin, a sin, a sin, I’m gonna get punished. For you, I’d lose everything, everything, everything. I want all of you. It’s not nonsense. If this is a sin, a sin, a sin, oh everything.” Jaebum wants to tear out the pages where he has spilt the words that he wants to shout out at a time where no one can know. _Sin_ , he simply calls it.

He stares at the song for several minutes with the end of his pencil between his teeth before something different stirs up his heart. He flips a page and stares at the blank one. “Think of you,” he mutters as his pen gets to work.

_You and I who met by accident_

_You who never thought about us, but my head is filled with thoughts of you._

Youngjae would have protested if he was there to see Jaebum at work. He would refer to several times where he has more or less told Jaebum outright that he has been thinking about him but Jaebum’s room is too covered in darkness for him to see that. He pushes up his glasses by the bridge like Youngjae had imagined. Not even here does Jaebum see the false statement in his lyrics. With every word he writes, he shows off his insecurities more and more clearly. He feels stripped of his armour in front of himself and it frightens him deeply. His thoughts are a mess so he writes everything down on the page as they come to him until the page is filled with scribbles that itch his skin.

His mind shows him a glimpse of Youngjae smiling. _All of your gestures are picturesque._ He looks over at the clock standing on his desk that says 1:34. _I can’t sleep, what’s the matter?_ He feels more like a stranger in his own body with every word he writes. _I don’t know if I’m me, sometimes I get surprised_. He can’t stop thinking about Youngjae. _I can’t stop thinking about you. I am spiralling out of control. All I wanna do is love you. You naturally tainted the spot next to me._ He drops the pen out of breath as he realises he has been holding it. He inhales sharply and takes his glasses off.

“Is that true?” He mutters to himself. There’s a distance between the Jaebum standing in the dark room and the one sitting in it with the yellow pencil in his hand. “Goodnight, JB.”

**Day 42 Wednesday**

It is raining today. Youngjae seeks out his friends drenched and tired. “Why don’t they have like heartache on the ok list for absence in school? It’s as horrible as any illness, if not worse,” BamBam complains as the three friends examine Youngjae’s exhausted face.

“I think I slept for an hour in total last night,” Youngjae sighs at his friends. Jackson grabs his hand to comfort and support his friend because they both know they have a class with Jaebum and Mark today and Youngjae has never been this lost on what to do or say and all because of a single person whose feelings, thoughts and opinions about Youngjae, matter more than anyone else’s.

Mark is the only oblivious person in the classroom and takes a seat at the table next to Youngjae and Jackson’s. How he finds out something is wrong is by smiling at Jackson who gestures straight to Youngjae’s exhausted face. “Hey there,” Mark tries with a hand on Youngjae’s shoulder but then Jaebum enters and Mark feels it instantly. It did not go well yesterday. He had a feeling because Jaebum had not replied to their messages all day. Jaebum looks just as tired as Youngjae and it seems none of them got much sleep last night. There is zero acknowledgement of each other’s presence so Mark and Jackson share a stressed look.

Inside of Youngjae, an explosion of feelings happens. He wants to believe that Jackson, BamBam, Yugyeom and his sister are right in thinking that Jaebum loves him but his whole body, mind and heart is telling him it can’t be true. A little glimmer of hope is in his heart but a humble person won’t take such a huge compliment so easily.

“Jackson.” Youngjae barely gets the word out and it comes out as a whisper that makes Jackson wrap his arm around his little broken Youngjae. “I’m just so tired.” Jackson squeezes Youngjae’s face with his arms.

“I know, otter-boy. It’ll be okay. You can use my lap as a pillow at lunch.” Jaebum doesn’t look but he hears everything and waves of guilt hit him at the sound of Youngjae’s weak voice. Jaebum’s feet move around restlessly under the table and it continues until Mark is forced to grab Jaebum’s thigh with an insisting look.

“Please,” Mark whispers. “I know, okay, but please.” Jaebum puts a hand in the air to catch his teacher’s attention mid-sentence. She nods at him.

“Can I talk to Mark outside. It’s important, I swear.” There will be talk of how uncomfortable Jaebum’s voice sounded in class today. Everyone heard how hard it was for him to say those words. His teacher heard it too and she lets them go which is all Jaebum wants. He doesn’t care that people heard him without his filter on or his guard up. It is gone and at least that, he has made peace with. Mark does sense a freshness to him mixed in with all the bitterness. “It’s not easy for me to be in the same room with him anymore.” Mark sighs in the empty hallway. Their voices are lowered and they are aware of every tiny sound. He is a little tired of Jaebum’s constantly going back and forth and Mark has been very patient and helpful if he does say so himself.

“Jaebum, it has never been easy for you to be in the same room as Youngjae. You know why, I know why, Jinyoung knows why. We don’t talk about it and you also know why that is. It’s not easy to get you used to new things, especially feelings, and I know this one is huge and mixed up with your old scars but no one you care about or who care about you, blame you for feeling it. I’m not saying you have to just let go of your past because that’s a hard thing to do but you need to start trying and we need to start talking about it because it’s driving you more insane than you’ve ever been.” Mark raises his eyebrows at the end of his speech. Jaebum is silenced and has to process Mark’s words a few times before he can fully understand, feel and know the words that then rolls off his baffled tongue.

“It hurts every day. I want to think back and smile like my mum but forgiving myself is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I can barely even talk about it with the few who know… And then Youngjae came and he ripped off whatever band-aid I had put on the wound and now it’s bleeding and it won’t stop.” Jaebum hugs Mark because it is one of those times where a hug is all that Jaebum needs that he dares ask for. “And then there’s the Choi Youngjae feeling but I’m not remotely ready to deal with that.”

“One thing at a time, Im Jaebum. Day for day, hour for hour, minute for minute.”

When they return to class it is impossible to read on their faces what kind of a conversation they have just had. What is noticed, is how Jaebum seems to disappear for the rest of the day.

Jaebum doesn’t tell anyone where he goes but he sits there all day nestled into one of his favourite spaces on its dirty floor. It is not before the bell rings the students to their classes that the tears start to fall like the pouring rain outside. He holds onto his yellow pencil with bite marks at the end of it. There are feelings in this pen that he kept to himself until now. Mark will probably tell Jinyoung during lunch in a safe space that he hopes is not this one. He talked about it for the first time almost ever. It felt good but it also scared him because it’s a new pain, an honest kind. Three whole people know Jaebum’s truth; the one that has been eating him up for years and the one he wishes could just be a lie. _I’m sorry mum._ He sniffles. _I’m sorry dad._ His knuckles go white. _I’m sorry Jinyoung._ His pulled-up knees become the landing ground for the downpour. _I’m sorry Mark._ His head leans on something red. _I’m sorry Youngjae._ He stays there in silence for God knows how long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I'm so stressed with school work that I barely got this chapter out but I did it! Hope it didn't break your hearts too much. I promise (this time for real) that I'm gonna give you some smiles and laughter soon <3 Next chapter is going to be a piece of work so I'm hoping for a chill weekend with time for just that. Get yourselves ready. I personally can't wait and now I'm sure I've said more than I should have, oh well.  
> xoxo - Freja Marple :)


	18. Candid-ish Confessions

Youngjae spends the day wondering what happened to Jaebum. He hopes he is still at school and not at home drowning in his own locked up feelings. If only he would open up, then it would be easier to talk to him and relate to him and understand him. Every time Youngjae finds a crack, Jaebum stuffs it before he can go at it any further. Youngjae sleeps throughout lunch and is still feeling empty by the lack of Jaebum in his vision.

 _“Important” note: I would like for you all to play this while reading the next paragraph for a stronger experience. It’s only a minute long so if you want, you can put it on loop (right click on the video & select the fourth option: Loop). Thank you and enjoy: _ [ _https://youtu.be/icKOCrTjAXk_ ](https://youtu.be/icKOCrTjAXk) _\- Freja :)_

Youngjae’s last period is cancelled last minute and when he seeks out the piano in the auditorium, he does not expect it to overwhelm him so much. He plays the same little piece over and over that would have tugged at the heartstrings of the audience if there was one but the stupid red sea is all there is. It has gone quiet which is new. Is it sympathy for the little Youngjae who is too tired to even rub his eyes? They close instead as his fingers move delicately and press down perfectly on the keys of the old and worn piano. The keys have that softness to them. His mind leaves school. It goes to the field outside of Seoul, the one with the little cabin and the millions of flowers. The hidden place where Youngjae witnessed Jaebum reveal himself so completely. For a little bit, it was as awkward as if he had caught Jaebum stark naked before they both realised, on that day, that even that, they wouldn’t mind. Something distancing took over them like the rest of the world was gone and like Jaebum didn’t brush his lips against the back of Youngjae’s head while they sat on the other side of the big tree to watch the sun go into hiding behind the hills; like he didn’t press in slightly to the point where they both knew it qualified as a kiss but never spoke of it. Youngjae knows it wasn’t a dream because dreams can’t make your heart beat like that did and dreams can’t make your toes curl like that did. They can’t make you feel what Jaebum makes him feel and it hurts. It hurts so much that his puffy cheeks become the basis for a waterfall through the droplets that slide downwards from his shut eyes.

It turns out that the red sea was only quiet because there was a scarred boy hiding at the far back. It has enough mercy to let him have the choice of sneaking out or revealing himself. The first option is favoured until he sees how Youngjae’s cheeks shine in a familiar way and how his quivering chin seems to be dripping with lost hope. He isn’t noticed as he walks down the side of the room. His hand brushes against the wall for comfort. The piano is standing there, just beside the stage with a boy on the piano’s stool.

Puffy eyes meet puffy eyes and it is as if two parallel lines crack and clash for the first time.

“Hi,” Jaebum unintentionally whispers. It is as loud as he can make it.

“Hello.”

They crave the softness of the red chairs and they sit at the gesture of Jaebum’s hand. Jaebum is the first one to pull his legs up to his chest. It makes him look small but the red sea knows Youngjae does not mind. He mimics the movement so they face each other in the weakest of ways, the smallest, the most desperate.

“Youngjae, I never wanted to be so angry but it just hurts so much,” Jaebum confesses as his eyes water.

“I’m here for you whatever it is,” Youngjae says as calmly as possible but his voice cracks and his eyes water too. His hands are a bit shaky as the left one finds Jaebum’s right. He takes it with desperation and craving for comfort.

Youngjae is the sun and Jaebum is the moon. That’s how it has always been in Jaebum’s head and it’s better that way because the sun shines its light on the moon which is why it becomes visible. The moon needs the sun to look at it or it will forever be in the darkness, haunted by its own shadows that can never be confronted. Jaebum needs the light; right now more than ever.

“I used to smile more, like you. I had love and I had happiness but I was oblivious, unlike you. You see pain just like that but I never did because I was so occupied with my own happiness. My dad.” Tears start to roll down Jaebum’s rosy cheeks. “He was depressed and I never thought for one second that all the times his smile seemed melancholic there might have been a reason. I never realised. My mother, she tried at least. I was so evil then. I was smiling and laughing while my dad was in pain. I could’ve been like you. I could’ve been the sun instead of the moon. Now I’m _just_ bad because I try to see but I- I’m still not capable of being good. I’m afraid. I’m afraid that being good will make me evil again because he died, Youngjae.” Jaebum’s voice cracked at the hardest words and he sobs quietly. Youngjae is sitting still as a statue as tears stream down his shocked face. “His sadness killed him and I never even saw before it was too late. He told me in the letter he left that he had tried to put up a fight because then at least I could tell people that my father was a fighter whether he lost his battle or not. I have always told myself that maybe he could have won if I had seen it. If I had hugged him some more, if I had taken long walks with him and talked about the hard parts of life, if I had listened to his troubles. If I had just seen and listened. I was so evil.” Youngjae’s heart shatters into a million pieces. He sees why his mother is a touchy subject and why hugs aren’t easy. He sees why Jinyoung and Mark are so important and he sees why it seemed so necessary for him to hurt other people. He also sees why he matters, why he matters so much to Jaebum. "Now all I do is forget." Can you hear the sound of Youngjae's heart cracking?

“It’s not evil, Jaebum. You were never evil. It has never been your intention to ignore his struggles. Your smile wasn’t to mock his pain but to brighten his life. I’m sure he knew that. It’s okay, Jaebum.” Jaebum clutches his hands around the fabric of the t-shirt on Youngjae’s back as he leans in as far as he can get and drops his legs under him to get closer. He sits on his knees. Youngjae didn’t think he could look more desperate but this is just heart-breaking for a soft boy like Youngjae. A soft boy who loves Jaebum more than he should.

 _You can love something that isn’t here anymore, that’s not a sin_ , were Youngjae’s words on the bench by the house outside the city. It is almost like he knew even back then which doesn’t piss Jaebum off as much as it did then. Now he wants more of those words. They are emptied of all the ugliness Jaebum could see before; all gone, all of it.

“Don’t leave me. I don’t want to be alone.” Youngjae once again mimics the way Jaebum sits.

“I’m not going anywhere, Jaebum. Why would I leave you?” Youngjae kisses Jaebum’s forehead and caresses his hair so tenderly. The wall has come down and a kiss is no longer gay or straight. It is a comfort, it is light. The moon will be full by the sun’s kiss tonight. So, they sit and Youngjae warms him up with sunlight until Jaebum has gathered the broken pieces of himself.

“Do it again,” Jaebum commands with modesty and Youngjae kisses Jaebum’s forehead understandingly without a comment or a gesture to hint that this is odd behaviour on Jaebum’s part because somehow it is not. “No, here,” Jaebum corrects and lowers Youngjae’s face to match his. It is odd how he can be so commanding and so completely broken and helpless at the same time. Youngjae has always admired Jaebum for his amazing strength no matter how poorly it was used. Youngjae bites his lower lip and Jaebum wants in. He presses his honest lips to Youngjae’s in a kiss that tastes salty from the tears that keep pouring. Youngjae is surprised but he doesn’t do what the girl did in the drama he attempted to fall asleep to yesterday. He doesn't just stands and take it like a moron. No, Youngjae knows that this is the kind of moment where feelings are allowed to take over your whole body. You are allowed to lose control. You are allowed to cry and you are allowed to kiss. You are allowed to love.

That Thursday where Jinyoung betted somewhat blindly that 2Jae would be kissing on this exact Wednesday, it was just a bit of fun. That Thursday, he did not expect this to be the day where Jaebum lets his burden be shared in a way that won’t hurt anyone anymore. His tears keep falling like they are attempting to make up for the last few years of holding back.

Youngjae manoeuvres his body closer to Jaebum’s so swiftly that Jaebum forgets how to breathe for a moment. He wraps his arms fully around the crying boy - _or is he a man now?_ \- whose lips seem to find comfort on Youngjae’s. He doesn’t mind. Not even a little bit, not even at all. Jaebum has never been kissed with so much feeling and hurt and love and never did he think that Youngjae would be this good to him, this good with his lips. Youngjae is just as shocked. By the time they pull away, Jaebum has managed to close the gates for a little while and he wipes his cheeks and sniffles awkwardly.

Sure, Jaebum has realised a lot today but having just kissed a boy for the first time and furthermore the boy being Choi Youngjae while he was crying like a baby, he is feeling anything but comfortable and manly when he looks over at the boy with the red face and the glistening eyes.

“I, uh.” Jaebum runs a hand through his hair. He shuts his mouth because there is nothing much to say now that he can’t deny anymore.

“I guess I win the argument,” it peeps out of Youngjae. He manages to form a little smile that eases the mood and loosens the tensest muscles in Jaebum’s body.

“I think you won either way. I was never right about love…” He rubs his thighs awkwardly before standing up, spinning on his heel and sitting back down. Youngjae giggles, having found his courage by realising he is the experienced one in this situation.

“I’m curious, how are you feeling?”

“That’s a difficult question to answer right now. I’m feeling about a million different things and this is probably one of the most turbulent days of my life.” He slides down in the chair and looks up at Youngjae who is smiling brightly down at him. Jaebum is sure he looks calm and confused but maybe that suits him. Youngjae votes yes on that.

“Then I’ll ask in a different way.” Their hearts are in their throats because words could lead to a lot of places right now and none of them is any good with a map. “How was… It.” He dares not call it for what it is. Jaebum’s eyes are so intense that it makes Youngjae even more nervous.

“I don’t know what to say. I’m not really good at this… I, uh, feel kind of broken and like I need to go home to my mum and tell her everything she doesn’t know… That’s on one hand. On the other, I feel like a flower or some sentimental shit like that. I haven’t… Kissed,” he gulps, and so does Youngjae, “anyone with so much emotion before. Heck, I’ve barely cried with anyone before… Thanks, I think.” Youngjae giggles nervously and Jaebum, whose instinct has completely taken over his cloudy mind, grabs Youngjae’s hand real _Romeo and Juliet_ -slash- _Pride and Prejudice_ -style. He stares at the back of Youngjae’s hand in a search for words to say. At some point, must have been at least five minutes time later, he finds some from a very stupidly obvious part of his brain, heart, all of it. “I kissed a boy.” Laughing seems like an odd way to end that sentence. That is, of course, if you do not understand what Jaebum is going through. Youngjae knows exactly what is happening to Jaebum and what images are flashing through his mind, what feelings are flowing unwillingly through his veins. Anyone who does not understand would most likely respond with something stupid and inconsiderate but Youngjae knows what is inconsiderate and what is not.

“And now your whole system is rebooting.”

“I hate that you can do that,” Jaebum mumbles.

“I know,” Youngjae peeps quietly. “But you need it.” Jaebum gives Youngjae’s hand a squeeze and a little smile. Youngjae knows that this is not going to mean anything straight away. For now, the waters have been tested and now it is time for him to wait for Jaebum’s mind to catch up to his heart, whatever it is telling him.

“This is a secret, right?” He asks with the worry Youngjae was craving. Youngjae hears his soft beg that pleads for a little more time and not being misunderstood. Youngjae nods with a smile. Youngjae is the best, _right Jaebum?_

“What you played before, what was it?” Jaebum mentions on their way backstage where they throw their stuff in the usual corner.

“It doesn’t have a title. It’s just mine; a feeling, you know, like I showed you.” Jaebum is reminded of the night before where his mind was exploding a lot more unpleasantly than it is today and the thoughts within it were said out loud and written down on paper.

“You’ve taught me a lot of things,” he says because he can’t stop. This is new, this is strange, this is Jaebum revealing himself bit by bit to the boy he wants to run to when his heart is heavy and the minutes feel like hours. “Thank you.” They sit down in the middle of the stage and the room suddenly feels small, filled up with all of Jaebum’s held back emotions and Youngjae’s huge heart. This is also why the whole room seems to jump at the sound of the door opening.

Miss Kwon stops in the door at the sight of her two leads sitting cross-legged and alone on stage with the expressions of Samael and Phenex in a moment of utmost tenderness. She smiles in confusion as she walks down the side of the room to the front row where she sets her bag down.

“Phenex and I were just warming up,” Jaebum smiles. Hopefully, she can’t see the, now slightly less, puffy eyes or the faint marks from a certain angel's nails down Jaebum’s arms. He puts his leather jacket on just in case but something tells him it is too late and that miss hawk eyes already spotted the fleeting feelings as they washed behind the curtains at the sound of her entry.

“A lot has happened with you two in here,” she tells them with a smile, “It’s like you’ve claimed the air in here for yourselves so the rest of us have no choice but to breathe you in.” Neither Youngjae or Jaebum know how to reply so she continues. “Sometimes I have a theory that everyone in the room starts to feel what you are feeling because you give it off with such a naivety that only young and inexperienced actors like you can. No professional could do it the way you do. It is a beautiful thing and I am glad you chose to do this.”

“Thank you, Miss.” Youngjae sounds baffled and his eyes try to channel an emotion that has nothing to do with anything he felt before she walked into the room. Jaebum nods with a tiny shy smile and Miss Kwon gets on stage. The two of them stand up.

“I was wondering if you could try something… It’s not even really a script change just a small addition that I was thinking about.” They nod at her with a slight bit of scepticism. “After the kiss on the cheek and once you’ve thanked each other, I would like it if Phenex could give Samael a maple leaf to show how he feels because the words are always a little more difficult for him especially on contrast to Samael’s forward honesty.” Jaebum and Youngjae wonder how she spots those little things so well. They nod simultaneously and she smiles. “Well, give it a go,” she says as she rolls up the sleeves of her shirt. She gets off the stage and looks up at the two revealingly confused boys. She flicks the dark brown hair out of her face as she sits down with her legs crossed. “I’m your audience. Blow me away.”

They do the scene they have done before. When angel Jaebum kisses demon Youngjae on his soft cheek none of them wants it to end and it takes all of their powers not to turn Youngjae’s face and kiss again because, they have to face it, that was the kind of kiss that will haunt them awake or asleep. When demon Youngjae hands a leaf to angel Jaebum, Jaebum gets an idea. He holds back his pressing smile.

After finishing the scene and receiving the usual positive feedback from their excited teacher, people slowly start to show up in the auditorium. Miss Kwon grabs a hold of Jinyoung as soon as he enters to tell him about the new additions.

“Are you two good?” Jackson whispers. Youngjae nods solemnly. “What happened?”

“I’ll tell you later.” He squeezes Jackson’s arm. He hates keeping secrets from his best friend but he has too much respect for this one to betray Jaebum. Jinyoung and Mark find Jaebum to ask him the same thing.

“We’re good but we’ll talk about it later, okay?” Jaebum reassures with a little smile. They nod respectfully and fleet to their workstations. Jackson has already brought the news to Yugyeom and BamBam as soon as they come in so they go about their business like nothing happened because maybe that is the best way to handle the problem for once.

Youngjae seeks out BamBam while Jaebum is rehearsing the scene in which he lures Phenex and Samael's subject of conflict into sinful situations that will win him over. “What’s up, babe?” BamBam asks with a smile.

“I feel weird,” he admits. “Good weird but weird.” BamBam pokes the needle into the jacket he is working on and wraps his arms around Youngjae softly.

“It’s okay. I know you can’t say much but let out whatever you can,” BamBam comforts. Youngjae thinks about it for a bit but the whole thing is too big for his brain to hold onto. Jaebum had such giving lips. Now Youngjae is confused because Jaebum has been kind lately but never to that extent, no, he would never have thought. This is something Youngjae cannot fathom on his own and now he really hopes Jaebum makes up his mind soon.

“I’m overwhelmed. Jaebum is so… Much, so much. He’s a lot,” Youngjae says and feels stupid. BamBam gets the idea but not the crucial details; exactly as Youngjae intended with his choice of words.

When Youngjae gets home, he sits down in the grass in his back garden and lets the sun warm him up. He is reminded of the compliment that Jaebum gave him on his porch. He was nominated brighter than the sun itself by the one and only Im Jaebum, the boy that somehow got himself to kiss Youngjae. What is going to happen now? Youngjae wonders.

Jaebum’s mother asks him how his day was and he is done lying now so he has to think before he answers this question. “It was hard.” His whole body gives in as he falls onto the sofa. His mother sits down next to him with worry in her eyes. She has waited for him to admit to being unhappy. It has been breaking her heart to see him lie because she knows, of course, she knows. She tries to get him to talk but even Jaebum’s much-cherished mother has been unable to break the wall he has built between himself and his hurting feelings.

“What happened?” Jaebum takes his mother’s hand and attempts to breathe his heavy heart away.

“I’ve never told anyone about dad…” His mother edges forward in her seat just a little but Jaebum had expected more; a gasp at the very least. “Mum, I told someone today. It’s not just Jinyoung and Mark who know now… And it felt like I freed a part of myself that has been locked away for years.”

“I’m proud of you, my boy.”

“But it also hurts. I want to talk about him and smile like you can but all I do is ache whenever I think about him.” Jaebum tears up in front of his kind-hearted mother. She had no idea it was this bad but, then again, she has felt exactly like he is feeling right now and still does on bad days. She knows in a way that Jaebum needs someone to know.

“It does hurt, sweetheart. That doesn’t stop but it dies down. Trust me.” He leans his face into his mother’s shoulder like he hasn’t in a very long time. She holds him close and rocks him back and forth like only a parent can. “How come you never spoke to me when I tried? What changed now? Should I have tried harder?” Jaebum reassures her that she did all that she could.

“You know Youngjae from my play,” Jaebum starts. “We did a lot of talking… Taught each other about good and evil because he is good and I am… Bad.” His mother doesn’t look in any way disappointed. She hears him out as he tells her about the things he did and the things that Youngjae has taught him and what has changed in him because of this one boy whose smile is brighter than the sun itself; something he leaves out of his speech. His mother finds herself with tears in her eyes.

“I never knew it was this bad. If I had known then I would have been a better mother.”

“Mum, this is exactly what I’ve thought about myself for years. Don’t feel regretful. I never told you and I should have. I’m sorry, mum, for everything I’ve done and not done. I’m here for you now.” They hug for who knows how long and during this time they forgive and let go and they love. With love, they can challenge the pain. They feel stronger, Jaebum especially.

“You have to let me meet this Youngjae. It sounds like you owe him one of my great homecooked meals and a whole lot more than that.” Jaebum nods with relief washing over him. His pain has lowered significantly and it feels like he can breathe again. However, Jaebum knows that this is only the start. He will be spending the rest of the day going back and forth between his pen and paper and his soft sheets. He will be thinking, wondering and pondering. His mind will be on a million versions of one event. One scene will replay a thousand times in his mind until it makes sense to him.

Jaebum kissed a boy and that boy is not a boy but a man and that man is not a man but a sun and that sun is Choi Youngjae.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To end this chapter, I have a few notes because THAT finally happened :)  
> So, first things first; they kissed! I’m so curious about how you guys feel about it? Was it just what you had hoped for or was it a bit disappointing? I was very unsure about the way I was going to go about this.  
> Second thing; I’ve been going back and forth with myself so I’m just gonna ask you guys. Would smut be something you guys are interested in for this fic, or is it just fine without it? (I’m a bit scared because there’s a lot to live up to with these two. It’s not just gonna be sex, it’s gonna be a vulnerability test for Jaebum and just imagine horny but soft Choi Youngjae. This is very intimidating.)  
> Third and last little side note; I’m going to Toronto to see my boys, oh my god. I live in Denmark which makes it insane but what the hell, it’s gonna be great even if I have seats at the far back. I was so close to not even getting any so I’m far from complaining. Anyway, if anyone else is going please do hit me up :)  
> xoxo – Your girl Freja


	19. Feeling Feelings

**Day 43 Thursday**

It is Thursday and just short of 24 hours since that insanely unreal thing happened in the auditorium. No one but the people present knows anything and even they seem a bit confused as to what happened in there. It was last night, though, that Jaebum seemed to get just a step closer to a conclusion. To be fair, it was his mum more than it was him but he likes to think drawing the point out from her words was half the job.

“Youngjae must care immensely about you. I know how stubborn you are and to hear, and see, that he has changed your mindset so radically must mean he cares a great deal about you. It can’t have been easy work,” she had come up to his room to say. She left again with a little smile like she knows something that Jaebum really doesn’t want anyone to know right now, let alone his mother. Jaebum’s conclusion was not hard for him to find or remember but he wrote it down on the opposite page of the lyrics in his rushed handwriting from the night before. It is quite simple and has been underlined thrice.

The bell calls for an unpredictable lunch break. The warm day invites most students to sit outside and eat. Jaebum feels like a new person walking down the hall where people are behaving as if Jaebum hasn’t changed. No one knows what is going on behind his calm gaze. Not Jinyoung, not Mark, not his mother, no, not even Youngjae. He watches the students passing by him with a distance that he hasn’t before. He knows that he is different from most of them. He is aware that he holds a secret that could declare him bottom of the hierarchy in seconds. This thought seems to drift off with the warm breeze the second he sees Youngjae’s face glowing in the mid-day sun. He is sitting next to Jinyoung and they are chatting cheerfully. They have made a little circle of everyone with an obvious space in between Jinyoung and BamBam reserved for Jaebum. Jinyoung feels it immediately after Jaebum has sat down. The connection between the person on each side of him tickles his face as it brushes past him. He looks over at Mark who has spotted it too. There will be talk of this later.

The group goes on without stating the changed mood as noticed and Jaebum watches lips move and listens to conversation flow from panic over that article about the world running out of rice to the hype over Jackson’s brand-new sneakers that are white and a rosy pink. He watches everyone, Youngjae especially. Maybe the bottom of the hierarchy is not as bad as Jaebum has been thinking. Youngjae seems fine and he is not keeping secrets from the rest of the school. When Jaebum really thinks about it, Youngjae is not even in the hierarchy. He realises how smart Youngjae truly is for rejecting the ladder instead of trying to climb it. He took the stairs, the kind that take you towards something and not endlessly and aimlessly upwards. Instead of building up a reputation that can crash and ruin you any second, he simply just stays himself to himself. It is no one’s business whether Youngjae likes girls or boys and if they find out, well, then that’s fine too. If they – meaning everyone who is shallow enough to care – find out about Jaebum on the other hand, then he is done for. The whole school will know before the day is over. It will not miss a single person because somewhere along the line while attempting to hide, he waltzed right into the spotlight with his silly leather jacket and his cigarette smoke that hid the sadness in his heart.

“I think they look great!” Youngjae claps his hands and his eyes crease. “I also think I saw this girl bite her lip at you earlier.” Jackson’s eyes light up with interest.

“Really? Who?” He presses a hand anxiously into his thigh.

“This girl with bobbed hair and a fringe. She has kind of chubby cheeks and it’s really quite charming. She’s so cute.” Jackson does a little excited whine. Just the idea of someone crushing on him is enough to make him feel like butterflies are flying around in his stomach. Jackson is a hopeless romantic just like Youngjae. One would swoon at the number of nights they have fallen asleep on either one of their beds after a whole night of talking about the concept of love, how it feels and what kind of a person they want to fall in love with. Recently, these nights have revolved around Jaebum.

“You sound like you’re in love with her yourself a little bit,” BamBam comments from next to Jaebum.

“I’m sadly too gay,” Youngjae laughs. He wakes Jaebum up at the much-dreaded word. “But if I wasn’t I would probably have been all for it.” Jaebum huffs as naturally as he can manage. He finds the old pack of cigarettes in his back pocket.

“Shit, I threw out my lighter I think. Anyone got one?” Jinyoung fishes his out of the pocket in his leather jacket. He lights the cigarette and passes it back. It has been a while, Jaebum remembers. He pretends not to notice how much Youngjae is staring at him as the smoke blows out of his nostrils and mouth. Jinyoung asks for one puff and Jaebum passes his cigarette and then he laughs because he took an accidental look at Youngjae’s pale face and remembers the coughing and the disgust.

“Don’t you dare,” Youngjae whines because he knows that laugh all too well. He knows Jaebum all too well. When Youngjae pouts, Jaebum wants to bite his lower lip but instead, he smiles and looks at the others. It’s story time. Jackson gasps dramatically when he hears that Youngjae tried smoking but once Jaebum gets to the part about the coughing and the gum everyone in the circle is laughing, even Youngjae.

“You two have really gotten close,” Jinyoung says with a smile that tells Jaebum that, apparently, everyone knows. Never mind what he had been thinking before about his mind being his own space filled with thoughts that only he can know and only he can understand. By the looks of his friends, it seems that everyone knows and Youngjae understands. He is an open book now and just as he has done with everything else, he must make peace with that fact. His lips press into a thin line and he nods in agreement without letting a word escape his too revealing lips. Oh, how they burn with the doings of yesterday. O, Youngjae, Youngjae. Wherefore art thou Youngjae? Why? he keeps asking. Why can’t love be discarded like a mediocre one-night stand? Youngjae knows why, despite his lack of one-night stand experience. Youngjae knows because he feels. He feels and therefore he knows that nothing about love is mediocre. It’s either bliss or misery, smiles or tears, heaven or hell with no in between. Youngjae knows that and maybe Jaebum is starting to know that a little bit too. He has found his heaven down in hell and that heaven is the man sitting right there with his eyes on Jaebum’s tense face. Those eyes full of concern that never acts like pity. It is never pity. Youngjae knows better.

“Haven’t we all?” Jaebum interposes and they all take a moment to nod at each other as if sealing a sort of bond between the seven of them.

“We have,” Jackson says as a smile spreads across his face. “I think we’re so unexpected that it made us even better." Mark nods.

“It wouldn’t be easy to leave each other now. It’s like we know too much,” Yugyeom says. He has been feeling so free of the anxiety that chained him down before. BamBam leans his head on Yugyeom’s shoulder.

“Too late to back out now, hah,” he laughs. “We’ll have to get used to having each other around.”

“I think we already have.” Youngjae stretches his arms in the air towards the sun that warms him up.

“Shit, Youngjae is the cutest motherfucker this dimension has ever seen,” Jinyoung jokes with a cheeky look in his eyes. “Eh, Jaebum?” Everyone smile at different ends of the smug scale until Youngjae has grown red as a tomato.

“Fuck, you’re right,” Jaebum chuckles with so little holding back that it surprises Jinyoung and Mark most of all. Youngjae laughs merrily and it spreads to his six friends like a virus. No one can properly explain the atmosphere surrounding them. It has never been this easy and it almost feels too good to be true.

“Life is strange,” Mark mumbles and Jackson turns his head as the only one who heard. He beams down at Mark who is leaning on his elbows with his face towards the sky and a little knowing smile on his face because Mark always knows exactly when to smile.

Miss Kwon claps her hands together twice to grab everyone’s attention. “So, is everyone ready for this weekend?” People look to their friends with hype and yell enthusiastic yeses. It seems like everyone is excited to have the whole school to themselves for a weekend and, boy, have people started planning things to do in the evenings. Someone suggested ghost stories but a few, including Hana and Youngjae, protested to that. Jackson has heard someone talk about games that will “bring the team closer together”. He knows that means truth or dare or never have I ever that will not end until two people are locked in some bathroom because everyone else wants them to snog.

As much as Jackson loves silly games like these, he doubts it is a very good idea. This is mainly because there is finally peace within the group. Finally, Youngjae can rest his fragile heart and Jaebum has the silence he needs to think. Jackson does not care for it being spoiled by some game that will surely end up revolving around the two people who are already in the spotlight. Especially since they have been rewritten into what more and more frequently is suspected to be a love story. Jackson knows for a fact that everyone on the team knows that there has been drama revolving around Jaebum and Youngjae because they all felt the tension big time and he knows that it won’t be passed by if they get a chance. They are safe in here with these people but who knows what rules count once the lights are off and the school is locked with only them inside.

“Mark,” he whispers. Mark looks up at him and awaits further explanation. “We have to be careful this weekend.” Mark nods. He knows it too. “It all seems too laid back to last if we don’t give the newness time to die down and let this be normal. I don’t want it to go back. Did you see how happy they both looked at lunch? They’ve finally made it past the hill I don’t want to watch them trip and fall into a ditch.”

“I’m with you on that. I’ll talk to Jinyoung about it. I think he has been thinking the same thing judging by the little twitch he had when we talked to some of the others about playing truth or dare.”

“Okay, then I’ll mention it to BamBam and Yugyeom and we’ll get the whole team working 24/7 for the situation to remain as it is. I want them to be happy and they look like they finally are… We’ll call it The Paradise Mission.”

“Don’t get carried away now,” Mark calms Jackson with a chuckle and he frowns with the usual dramatic effect before going back to not working on anything until Jimin comes running after them so they can aimlessly carry props on and off stage.

Mark and Jinyoung go home with Jaebum and while walking they talk about whatever in a way they never could before; not since Jaebum’s father died and Jaebum vanished into himself. There is no longer a barrier between Jaebum and his friends nor any secrets that leave a heavy impact on the way they talk and act around each other.

“I wrote songs about him,” Jaebum blurts out to his friends whose jaws almost fall in shock. Jinyoung stops walking for a second, and Jaebum looks back at him with eyes that look newly opened. No more false information will travel through them again. Jinyoung finds his heart lighter than ever at the sight of his best friend. _This_ is his best friend. _This_ is the person he has known forever. _This_ is Im Jaebum.

“Can we hear?” Jinyoung really wants to. Jaebum really wants them to. Mark smiles because the timing is just right. Jaebum is itching to show his words to someone because he is trying to do what his feelings tell him to like Youngjae does it.

They shuffle up all of the stairs and Jaebum unlocks the door very out of breath. They throw their shoes off and yell a hello to Jaebum’s mother who is puzzled by the rush they are in. Once Jaebum takes a seat in front of his keyboard; the mood cuddles comfortably into a spot between anxious and hopeful. Jaebum has a clear idea of how this will sound once he has mixed it together on his computer but now he plays the stripped version that feels powerful to anyone present in the room.

“Even though it’s dangerous, come closer. Even though it’s dangerous, come closer. I can’t stop it. I can’t stop it.” The first words make the two friends share a look. To listen to their friend’s feelings being expressed so boldly is not something they are used to and it almost hurts them to get a taste of his bittersweet feelings. He keeps singing until all of the words have taken a leap of faith from the tip of his tongue and he feels robbed of air with the baffled eyes of his best friends glued to him. Jaebum’s hands land in his lap where they have found it a decent place to rest in a silver lining moment. “The other one is even worse. Here,” he hands them his notebook. “You can read it if you’d like.” Jinyoung takes it from him with a careful hand because his fragile words need to be handled accordingly.

The two friends are not sure exactly what it is Jaebum hopes they do next. Mark has thought his way to a conclusion. He thinks that maybe what Jaebum wants from them is unimportant. The important thing is that they show Jaebum what it means to have a support system right there. Mark doubts that Jaebum understands to what extent this can be a help to him. They should show him that he can tell them everything or nothing at all. He can come for nothing but a soft hug and they will open their arms for him with sympathy and care. Mark gets to go first.

“You’ve mastered the art of emotion through words and music… And acting too, as surprising as that seems.” Mark puts a hand on each of Jaebum’s shoulders. Jaebum sighs and thanks Mark with a kind of relief. He reaches up to hold onto one of Mark’s arms and he tugs at the fabric around it. Mark is unsure how to read this coming from Jaebum but he doesn’t have much time to do so either before his friend has gotten up from his chair and fallen right into his arms.

“It’s stupid really,” Jaebum comments at everything and nothing. “The whole thing.” They pick up his mumbling as self-loathe and it stings their hearts.

It is Jinyoung’s turn. “It’s never stupid.” His hand makes its way to Jaebum’s back and such physical comforting has only been given to him through the lips of someone who knows exactly what these feeling consist of, how they operate and where they are heading. This is not the same, he can establish, but it makes him see what friends can do for a broken heart that isn’t really broken just processing some complicated feelings.

“I’ll get better.” Jaebum gulps and dumps back down into his chair. “I finally showed this to someone.”

"What does 'Change is love' mean?" Jaebum and Mark look over at what Jinyoung is talking about. In his notebook next to his song are the three words written with Jaebum's rushed handwriting underlined thrice. Jaebum's mouth won't open. Mark and Jinyoung sit down on his bed and Jaebum follows them. This feels like being 13 again. Being 13 and getting high on sugar while watching action movies until 2 am.

“Jaebum,” Jinyoung starts as his eyes slide away from the pile of leather jackets on the floor in front of the bed. “I don’t mean to rush you into drawing your conclusions but you’re in love, aren’t you?” It is easier to say yes than Jaebum thought it would be. It is harder to keep his heart away from his sleeve than Jaebum thought it would be. With cheesy words, the key to his heart was found by a bright boy and now that it has been unlocked. He cannot hold it down anymore.

“I never thought I could love properly, you know. I told myself love is ruined for me so I couldn’t make it out when he started invading the deepest parts of my mind. I told him all these secrets and we went faster than I was able to let myself. I tried to stop us from moving but that never worked out. My own confusion fucked me up.” Jaebum chuckles. “And now he has me speaking in strange metaphors and all I can think about is how his smile turns the sun weak on even the warmest of days. “I’m madly in love… With a boy, and his name is Choi Youngjae. _(Although I like to call him sunshine.)_ ”

Release comes in all different forms, shapes and sizes. This one is round like the sun and wide like Youngjae’s grin and it is about the size of Jaebum’s heart when it has been fully unpacked.

“Congratulations. You’re in love. It sucks.”

“Get over her, it was years ago,” Jaebum laughs and as Jinyoung’s hands reach his hips the mood lightens and the bed is full of laughter as an old way of communicating is creeping its way back and draping itself over the boys. A few lost teenage years get caught up with right there and Jaebum feels light as a feather until his friends must go because tomorrow is the first day of their weekend locked inside the school walls and they all have packing to do.

Once the door has shut behind his friends, Jaebum’s heart starts to weigh him down again. Not like before, but the feeling like his heart is being squeezed by Youngjae’s own hands will keep him company for a while. Jinyoung would talk about this back when he was head-over-heels for a girl called Sumin from the school’s mixed football team; one Jinyoung joined mainly because of the girl he was deeply infatuated with. He calls it his football phase now but everyone knows football is Jinyoung-lingo for Sumin. Jaebum has heard those whimpers and thought it was something he never wanted to have, thought it was something he couldn’t have. He was clearly wrong and it is worse than Jinyoung made him think it is. Jaebum tries to distinguish between thoughts and feelings but the line is no longer visible and his judgement is about as trustworthy as Jinyoung’s football excuse. Jaebum wants to call Youngjae but ends up calling someone he had never imagined he would call on this afternoon.

“Jackson? It’s me.” Jackson stutters, never getting further than the beginning of an ever-unknown sentence. “I’m,” Jaebum starts again to which Jackson finally finds his own words.

“You need help with a Youngjae thing, don’t you? I’m listening.” Jackson lies down on his bed with a small smile merely for the sake of the visible progress. Jaebum breathes for a few seconds. He takes his time and Jackson respects that very much.

“When all I want to do is call him and just talk or maybe not even that, just have him there, how come I call you instead? I don’t understand.” Jackson chuckles.

“You can’t understand and you won’t.”

“Why? I want to.”

“Because love is like that. The fewer questions you ask the better cause they only confuse you and don’t think so much either. It sucks the life out of you when you’re alone.”

“Hm,” Jaebum replies and the line goes quiet for a moment. “Would it be weird to call him?”

“Don’t think so much. It’s better just to feel.” Somehow, he understands it put like this and the idea clicks perfectly in Jaebum’s head.

“Thank you, Jackson. That was a big help.”

“No problem. You can always call.” They are both surprised at how much it matters to them that the barrier has been broken between them. Jaebum is glad Jackson is so forgiving or this would never have been possible.

They hang up and Jaebum’s heart starts to race and his hands start to shake. He stares at the name on his phone that screams at him with emotions that didn’t exist in Jaebum’s world prior to him. It rings twice.

“Jaebum? Are you okay?” He has never called him out of the blue before so the reaction is natural.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Youngjae awaits a reason but Jaebum doesn’t even know. “I don’t have anything to say, I just did what I felt. I hope that’s okay.” The soft chuckle on the other end makes his heart flutter like the flowers that his mother has planted in boxes out on their tiny balcony.

“Of course. So, have you packed for tomorrow?”

“I’m doing it right now but I don’t know what to bring, really,” Jaebum admits as he stares at the open duffle bag on his bed.

“I’ll help. Put me on speaker and I’ll name things you need then you can pack them.” Jaebum loves that idea and wonders how Youngjae feels because he sounds so free from worries. What he doesn’t realise is that the exact same thing happened to his voice and his heart as soon as Youngjae’s voice shone through his phone and lifted him up. It is all so new. He has to think less and feel more.

The phone call lasts a couple of hours and it goes way beyond packing. They think of things to talk about and let conversation flow just to keep each other on the line. Youngjae tells Jaebum about the pros and cons of having siblings and being the youngest. Jaebum has always wondered and wished that he would have someone so close to share his pain and understand everything about him because they would share something so fundamental and so irreplaceable. He would have been better off with a sibling or two.

Jaebum’s mother calls Jaebum to dinner. No one needs to know that he pressed his lips against the phone’s screen once Youngjae had said goodbye and Jaebum was once again alone in his room. He sighs at his own silly actions. No one needs to know about those small things that say it all. Except people do know now. It is so hard to get used to all of these new feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing all morning to finish this. I'm so glad it's out. I'll keep writing all day so the next few chapters will be ready in advance and so I can get into a flow with Jaebum's character as well. It's harder now than it was before because Jaebum is a lot bolder now and I find it difficult to properly portrait him. I think I did alright but I will let you guys be the judges of that. <3 love you  
> xoxo - Freja


	20. Daring Depths

**Day 44 Friday**

Approximately 40 students come to school with an extra packed bag today. They drag all the extra weight around with them all day and people ask questions. Oh, Jaebum couldn’t help but laugh once he saw the envious expressions on some of those girls' faces. Spending a weekend locked inside the school with Im Jaebum, the boy who only got hotter after lost his temper with them. The new general kink is angry Jaebum. Youngjae understands which is exactly why he waltzes confidently around the halls all day. Those girls, they know that Youngjae is going to be there with him and his ecstatic smile is unmistakably boastful.

“Youngjae?” The girl that remains nameless has said called out his and Youngjae wants to pretend he is deaf until this moment has passed but it looks like there is no way around this conversation.

“What’s up?” Youngjae’s tone of voice is polite and his smile is bright as ever and it fools the girls whereas his friends would spot the false joy from miles away.

“We are just interested in what you’ll be doing here this weekend.” Youngjae knows what she means by this and what answers she is hoping to get but finds the question so dumb and the answer so obvious that it almost kills him that he has to give it to her. “Rehearse,” he answers patiently nevertheless. His eyes want to roll so bad but he keeps himself from it, awaiting further questions that require just as little brain capacity to answer.

“But, like, afterwards.” She and her friends all look up at Youngjae with the eyes of hungry hyenas and all of Youngjae’s knowledge is the meat they are after.

“Eat and sleep,” he replies shortly and adds a little smile at the end of the short sentence to hide that he almost laughed at the full-time obsession over a relatively normal student like themselves (yeah, okay, Youngjae knows that's not true). Someone they won’t keep in touch with once they are done here. This school is the only setting in which Jaebum is the king and everyone want to kiss his feet. If these girls think the real world cares about whether or not you slept with the guy with the leather jacket or not, they are in for a big surprise.

“Youngjae!” Yugyeom comes jogging up to him and Youngjae tries to hide his relief. “What’s going on here?” Yugyeom puts an arm loosely around Youngjae’s shoulder.

“The girls were just asking me what we’re going to be doing this weekend. I’ve said rehearsal, eating and sleeping.” Yugyeom catches the atmosphere surrounding the hyenas and the look in Youngjae’s eyes.

“Oh yeah, I think you’ve covered it all. It’s gonna be nine to five if not longer than that. We’re really busy.” Yugyeom is surprisingly skilled at this. He does a convincing job at staying casual but not so much so that it feels fake. “Well, girls, you have to say goodbye to this cutie because his friends are asking for him and they’re getting impatient. Especially one of them.” Youngjae catches the glimpse in his eye as he looks at Youngjae. He wonders if it is just to be cheeky or if he really means what he said. Did Jaebum get impatient because he isn’t sitting in their little circle out in the grass yet? He cannot help but blush as they walk away and he is tempted to ask Yugyeom but Yugyeom has already spotted the curiosity. “He was running his hand through his hair five times a minute and looked around constantly as if he was trying to spot a certain someone.” Youngjae bites his lip. Once they spot the group of friends Jaebum spots them too and his lips curl upwards into a relieved smile. Youngjae waves at the group and smiles back at Jaebum.

There is room next to Jaebum that has been deliberately avoided by Yugyeom so the eager Youngjae can get the desired spot. They are all sitting and lying in the grass and using their big bags as pillows. BamBam even brought an actual pillow. The rest of them haven’t. They have been promised that pillows can be borrowed here.

“Germs,” BamBam explains when Jinyoung asks. He laughs. “What? It’s not that weird.”

“It is a little weird.”

“They wash them, so I gotta give it to him, Bammie, it’s kinda weird,” Jackson reasons at the boy lying on his oh-so-clean pillow in his lap. He plays with a few strands of his soft hair. He recently dyed it grey and it has made him look a lot more adult than he used to. Jackson keeps commenting on how much nicer it is when his hair is natural.

“Even though it’s soft, I can tell it’s been dyed. It’s just not the same,” he rants at the relaxed BamBam. He closed his eyes there in Jackson’s lap and now he may or may not be dozing off slowly.

“It’ll grow out,” BamBam mutters dismissingly. Jaebum looks over at Youngjae and it makes Youngjae look back at him. He mouths a ‘what’ at Jaebum. Jaebum mouths a ‘nothing’ in return. Truth is, he was thinking about how soft Youngjae’s hair is because he remembers the feeling of having his hands in it and running his fingers through it. To be frank, he has never adored hair so much in his life. This feeling is new like so many other feelings are brand new to the suddenly inexperienced Jaebum.

“So here we are,” Miss Kwon smiles as the team has gathered in the red seats with their bags in their laps. She is not alone. Mr Song is here too. He has been assigned the job as the pianist but everyone knows he is here because no governing body would let one teacher alone with this many students. “You have to sleep in groups in a few assigned classrooms on the first floor. We can’t have a mess of sleeping bags in here while we rehearse. Mr Song and I will be in the teacher’s lounge at night if we are needed. The caretakers will be around from time to time as well.” They all nod at the two teachers before they are ordered to leave their stuff in their chairs and get to work. Jaebum and Youngjae get glammed up by Hana and BamBam and the rest of the costume team or, as BamBam has renamed them, the fashionistas.

“It’s stupid.”

“Fashion is not stupid.”

“It’s costumes,” Jaebum scoffs playfully. “For a school play.”

“You like to offend people, don’t you?” BamBam growls and even though Youngjae knows he is only being partly serious but he pulls at his shoulder to stop him.

“Shut up, both of you,” he chuckles and BamBam smiles back at him before he kisses Youngjae cheek as they have done since Jackson stubbornly took it upon himself to force it through. It was no difficult task in the group that already loves affection and doesn’t mind showing it off to everyone else, including not-subtly jealous not-boyfriends. BamBam winks at Youngjae without Jaebum seeing and Youngjae goes red in the face.

“Think it’s time for make-up,” BamBam teases and send Youngjae over to Hana. “You’re being a little obvious, Jaebum,” BamBam dares to whisper before he runs off to check that the rest of the actors have been dressed as he wants them to be. Jaebum’s eyes widen and he looks down at the floor and spins around completely flustered. His eyes find a mirror and his feet take him to it because he wants to check if he can still look himself in the eye. His head tilts to the side and he follows the movement through the mirror. He glances at his unpopped veins and it calms him to think about how freed he has become of the anger that used to kill him bit by bit. He takes his time facing himself without any sign of aggression. He mouths his own name once or twice before turning his back to the reflection. Youngjae is almost done in the chair once Jaebum returns from the mirror.

“Jaebum may be a little rough round the edges but he has a soft side too and he is showing a lot of it these days. He’s been really sweet to me.” Youngjae smiles as he talks to Hana with his eyes closed. Jaebum stands a couple of feet behind Hana so his presence is unknown to both of them. He finds himself smiling at Youngjae’s smile.

“I can tell you two have a good relationship. It seems like a forever kind of deal,” Hana comments sweetly. “All done,” she announces as she takes her arms down. Youngjae’s smile drops and his face goes his signature pink because his eyes have opened up to the sight of a smirking Jaebum. His head has tilted to the left a little to which Youngjae bites his bottom lip.

“It’s hard not to be sweet to you when I’ve tasted you and concluded that you are 100% sugar.” Youngjae could faint, he won’t, but he could. The sly look in Jaebum’s eyes screams complete confidence and it must have surprised not only Youngjae but Jaebum too because this sexuality thing has been a ticking time bomb waiting to blow his mind out his skull. Youngjae didn’t think the events of that afternoon would be brought up, furthermore did he never in his wildest dreams think that Jaebum would be the one to do it. _What a tease._ Youngjae dies a little inside as he smiles back at Jaebum before getting the fuck away from there. He wonders if this is the treatment girls have gotten if they have tickled Jaebum’s fancy or if this is a show for Youngjae’s eyes (to be tortured) only.

Youngjae groans as his arms find a way around Jackson’s torso so he can push him away from everyone else. “What’s up, pup?” Jackson pushes a strand of hair out of Youngjae’s flustered face.

“Jaebum is so fucking sexy. It’s like he is stabbing me every time he looks at me. Help.” Jackson produces a snort that transforms into a light cackle. Youngjae ignores it and continues. “I wanna rip my eyes out so I don’t have to suffer anymore. I’m afraid I’ll jump on him or something.” Youngjae starts laughing too. He sees the humour in his situation in the midst of his suffering and Jackson’s eyes turn sympathetic.

“Don’t worry Jae. I bet he’s feeling exactly the same way you are.” Youngjae scoffs. “Well, just, you know, think about it.” Jackson winks at his best friend and pinches his ear. He leaves Youngjae in the corner alone where he is frozen with questions that become a bunch of words whirling around in his mind rather than full sentences. He looks over at Jaebum in the make-up chair with his eyes shut closed and his mouth moving now and again to conversate with Hana. He catches a couple of words from the storm in his mind; _He knows_. Does he? Does he know about the thoughts that Youngjae frequently has, and furthermore lets himself have? Dear god, Youngjae hopes Jaebum doesn’t know.

“Actors get ready on stage!” Someone yells and Youngjae becomes highly aware of his odd location in the corner of the backstage area. Jaebum has left the chair and from the stage, he makes eye contact with Youngjae whose expression has turned softer again and he has traced away the shock. Youngjae jogs out there with the hope that his thoughts will stay behind. He hopes they have dissolved by the time he gets back.

They rehearse the whole thing and it turns out there is a lot of stress associated with changing clothes between scenes. BamBam works out some sort of a system and they work their way through the outfits until the very last scene and they nail the whole thing. Miss Kwon claps her hands with joy and everyone takes a deep breath of achievement and teamwork. Jaebum and Youngjae pat each other’s shoulders and nod solemnly. There is relief in their eyes as they get to sit down and relax. However, it only lasts a moment.

“Everyone gather here,” Miss Kwon announces. The team scatters out on stage and await further orders. “I would like for everyone except for Youngjae and Jaebum to take a seat in the audience. Jinyoung you can stay in your box.” Jinyoung smiles and opens the door to what has become his own little space underneath the stage. His head pops up in his box so only the two actors left alone on stage can see him and his stupid grin. They look at each other and then at Miss Kwon. “I would like it if you would perform the last scene in front of the crew.” Their friends have made sure to get front row tickets and they sit with curious smirks on their faces. Jaebum claps Youngjae on the shoulder and they smile and nod at each other with a sense of professionalism that convinces everyone in the audience. _Great actors are great liars._

The background depicts a city in the last of its twilight with lights from the windows and a clear night sky where the stars have started to appear. The scene is set. It feels warm but with a disturbing breeze that will be taken care of soon enough. The main characters sit on a rooftop with their legs dangling over the edge and their eyes are glistening with the wisdom of a recent journey.

“You know, God did an alright job creating the moon and the stars,” is how Phenex opens the conversation. He has a look that used to suit the boy next to him; one that he has learnt to interpret. They exchange lines like Youngjae and Jaebum have vanished and only Phenex and Samael exist in this room. The audience feels the electricity that flows from Samael’s lips to Phenex’s cheek that reddens just the accurate amount for an off-guard demon and not a teenage boy who is a little too much in love. With a little trick, Phenex manages to present a maple leaf very shyly to the angelic Samael whose two moles on his eyelid promote his purity yet with a slight edge and the whole room finds him breathtaking. No less his demonic friend Phenex. He does not look rough. Once the audience has taken a proper look they see the warmth that he emits from his very core. A soft demon and a tough angel.

“Don’t say anything,” Phenex says with all of his courage and all of his insecurity. Samael smiles and looks down at the leaf in his hands. His hand reaches out for Phenex’s arm as a gesture of gratitude. “It’s all I can give you.”

“It’s more than I could ever ask you to give away.”

“A demon and an angel stuck together in the middle; it’s puzzling how we made it here.” Samael smiles at this as his finger traces the lines in the leaf and they remind him of the veins in Phenex’s hand.

“It’s puzzling that we made it here together.” Samael is one who dares to smile so he does. It is contagious. 

The pauses between the lines are so beautifully timed and everyone is taken by storm. Quite frankly, the applause catches them both off guard as both Jaebum and Youngjae slipped right into the roles and forgot the stage, the audience, the painted background. Possibly, it was the words that seem all too real to the two young men with their hearts hidden inside their sleeves so they can pull them out once alone with each other. Alone or on stage in front of everyone; it’s the same. It is the same because their characters cover for them. Not a single soul has to know what the words also mean. This is all too meta and, frankly, it is about as cheesy as a poorly written fan fiction with a shitty plot and bad grammar.

Jaebum and Youngjae do a few shy bows at the clapping crew who have all become speechless. Jinyoung smiles from his box. He and Miss Kwon have known about this incredible tension that the two bring on stage with them and finally, everyone has gotten to experience it properly. Jaebum glances over at Youngjae to find him with a smile of accomplishment that compliments his features beautifully. Jackson gets up from his chair and the other friends follow.

“Wow, that was insane. And Jaebum, so chic and sexy,” Jackson hisses and claps his hands again. Jaebum laughs with his hands in front of his face and everyone else join in.

“What the fuck,” he laughs and puts a hand on Jackson’s shoulder.

“Well done boys. Let’s divide you into rooms, have dinner and call it a day.”

Classroom 106 has been assigned to the seven friends. They have half an hour before dinner so they move all of the tables aside to create a circle of sleeping bags and other things in the middle of the room. Extra pillows and blankets have been provided by the school, and Jackson has hoarded way more than needed “so we don’t have to feel the hard floor underneath us.” He goes on about how Youngjae has to get a comfortable night’s sleep most of all.

Dinner is much needed and well appreciated. Once the seven of them are done Mark, Jackson, Jinyoung, BamBam and Yugyeom rush their two friends subtly back into classroom 106. They nod at each other as they get Jaebum and Youngjae through the door. They know there is still a chance that someone will pop their head in and ask if they want to play some game but they will find a way to tackle that if it happens.

“I brought so many snacks with me that I could barely zip my bag shut so we have to eat some of those,” Yugyeom admits with his hand resting on the zipper. Yugyeom is not the only one who brought snacks so they won’t run out for sure.

“I brought my laptop and I have Netflix in case we need something to do,” Mark mentions now that they are on the subject of what they have brought.

“Genius,” BamBam cheers. Jaebum pats the pocket of his bag where his notebooks and pens should be and smiles to himself. It is his way of settling into emotions that haven’t been able to fit before so he needs them for a weekend full of Youngjae or he will mentally implode.

“I brought a flashlight,” Youngjae peeps.

“Me too,” Jackson says and flashes the light right into Youngjae’s eyes. He flinches and turns on his own one.

“Mine has a red setting.” He finds it and points the light at the ceiling.

“Wow, a bit of sleazy music and you’ve got yourself a bad porn,” Jinyoung comments with raised eyebrows and the shy Yugyeom breaks into a laughing fit. It takes Jackson a second before he has processed the comment and starts to laugh. Mark, Jaebum and BamBam keep it cool with a mature chuckle and maybe a little shake of the head for certified maturity. Youngjae giggles and somewhat automatically grabs a hold of Jaebum’s sleeve.

“Bit too much for you?” he mutters to Youngjae. Youngjae just pulls up his shoulders and snickers innocently. Jaebum’s chuckle grows warmer as he shortly and swiftly caresses Youngjae’s back.

There’s a knock on the door. “Hide and seek in 110 in five minutes.” Feet shuffle away intact with the fading giggles.

“Sounds like fun.” Youngjae shrugs with an interested smile. Jaebum nods and the five others look around at each other. It is not truth or dare or anything in of that sort and a nod seems to seal the deal.  _What’s the harm in a little game of hide and seek?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, what is the harm? I love a good cliffhanger, especially when I'm the only one who knows what's gonna happen next heheheh. I'm a demon, I know.  
> On another note, did you see the ‘eventual smut’ tag I added? It’s official guys :’) I'm gonna attempt this, oh dear.


	21. Drowned Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm exploding with excitement for you guys to read this. I seriously hope it's good to you all.

There is being counted to 30 and Youngjae is in the broom cupboard. Not a lot of people know that the door underneath the stairs is usually unlocked moreover many don’t even realise it is there but, apparently, Jaebum does because at about second 25, he comes rushing in and they startle each other in the heavy darkness. Some light streams in from underneath and above the door that has closed behind Jaebum. It is enough for them to recognise each other instantly.

“I hate these games,” Jaebum mumbles and Youngjae hums in agreement. Sometimes the adrenaline is too much and if the space is cramp you start to get sore. Luckily, they can stand and walk around in here freely which is why they both thought of this spot to begin with.

“I’m glad you came in here. To be completely honest with you, this isn’t my favourite place to be all alone in,” Youngjae admits to Jaebum who chuckles as silently as possible.

“I know you well by now so I’m not that surprised.” Youngjae’s eyes have gotten slightly used to the darkness and see Jaebum’s toothy smile quite clearly now. It is adorable how his eyes crease into thin lines and his cheeks rise and grow more prominent. Youngjae smiles his own charming smile back at Jaebum who loves how Youngjae’s eyes crease into thin lines and how his teeth show as he does his little deep giggle that crumbles Jaebum’s newly softened heart.

Both Jinyoung and Yugyeom are unlucky enough to have been chosen as two of the five to seek. They have teamed up and they take a tactical approach to the game.

“Mark is going to be smart about this. He is probably hiding really well but really close to the starting point and Jaebum is just straight up lazy. He will hide in a spot he can move around in or at least lie down in. I would not be surprised if we find him in his sleeping bag,” Jinyoung shares the thought process of his friends and Yugyeom thinks about it for a little bit.

“Jackson is hiding somewhere idiotically obvious but he will probably still be the last one to be found. That’s usually how it goes. BamBam will hide somewhere inconvenient. A small space that only his skinny limbs can fit into. Youngjae is harder to place but I think he is either hiding with Jackson or somewhere comfortable like Jaebum.” Jinyoung nods as he goes through the different options in his head.

“Maybe they’re both hiding in Jaebum’s sleeping bag,” Jinyoung jokes with a sleazy smile.

Mark and Jackson are hiding in opposite ends of the same room. Jackson is standing behind a drawn back curtain and no one will initially think that a person is standing behind it so he might be lucky that no one checks. Mark is sitting on the floor inside a cardboard box that looks sealed but Mark has pushed the open side up against the wall so no one will think to check it. It is big too so he can sit comfortably inside it. BamBam is cramped in a cupboard in another room and his neck started hurting even before the countdown was over so he is at a point where he considers the risk of changing his spot.

“Jaebum,” Youngjae whispers. He gets a hum in return. The darkness makes it easier for them to look each other in the eye and ask questions that get frightened in the sun’s spotlight. “I think I know but tell me why you kissed me.” Jaebum hesitates with his answer but Youngjae feels hopeful and he cannot shatter this boy’s hope yet again.

“I felt something that I don’t know how to deal with and I don’t know how I’ll figure out.” Youngjae breathes heavily. He has this (Jaebum wouldn’t say devilishly) lustful vibe to him as he pushes himself gently off from the wall opposite Jaebum. He moves closer with careful and awaiting steps. Each one awaits a reaction from Jaebum, something that tells him to either stop or continue but he gets nothing. Youngjae's eyes are curious about Jaebum's so they don't shy away from the intense eye contact.

“You make me feel many things. I know how to explain it all but I’m scared to say it out loud in front of you.” It’s dense in the dark room where a stripe of light from the door hit their faces and Jaebum almost feels Youngjae’s eyelashes tickle his skin. It’s difficult standing this close to such an angelic presence. He follows how his heartbeat quickens at the feeling of Youngjae’s heavy breathing on his exposed neck. A finger tickles his thigh ever so gently. He wants it to grab. He wants the force. He wants the decision to be made for him but Youngjae doesn’t go any further. Jaebum manages to get the idea despite the mist that his mind has so wonderfully created at the presence of Choi Youngjae. He plants a kiss on Youngjae’s forehead. It is safe there but he knows it the second he has put his lips there; that it won’t be safe once he draws them away. He knows it before his lips find Youngjae’s. He knows it before his eyes close and his hands reach out for the body he has so desperately yearned to feel under his gentle palms. They don’t kiss like they did in the auditorium. They kiss like they have made up their minds as true or false as that may be. The way Jaebum so casually pulls at Youngjae’s hips has Youngjae so casually smiling into the kiss. There is nothing casual about either of their heartbeats. Their insides are going crazy as Youngjae bites at Jaebum’s lower lip; something he has desperately wanted to try. He moves his hands into Jaebum’s hair and it brings them even closer. There’s something magnificently greater and more meaningful about making up your mind by doing. Youngjae enjoys the process too as he feels Jaebum’s tongue edge towards his lips and then Youngjae confirms his take on what Jaebum is feeling. He pokes it very lightly with his own and Jaebum is almost scared away. Youngjae takes the lead and Jaebum follows; a scenario that would have made Jaebum scoff only weeks prior to today, a scenario that he would never let happen with anyone else.

Youngjae is special. Youngjae has seen him unfold. Youngjae has felt his heart race like it is racing now. Youngjae has seen his aching. Youngjae has seen his happiness. Youngjae has caused his happiness to reach a place near perfection. Thank god for Youngjae and thank god for his sensuous lips.

Jaebum’s hands have a tight grip on Youngjae’s hips before they edge very little further around the back. Jaebum has barely moved but what he doesn’t know is that Youngjae has a thing for what Jaebum is doing, especially now that he knows it is Jaebum’s powerful grip doing it. It activates a quiet moan from him and they both stop, both let go. “Holy shit, we have to stop,” Youngjae breathes out with his forehead leaning on Jaebum’s chest. Jaebum hums because they both felt the semis being as close as they were and going on for any longer will make it very embarrassing for both of them if they are ever found in here. Jaebum sits down on a box and Youngjae sits on the floor opposite him and while their breathing recovers, there is silence. The darkness wraps around them and it startles Youngjae enough to reach a hand out to find Jaebum’s. He welcomes it with reassurance and a bit of his own worry. Youngjae comes closer and rests his head on Jaebum’s thigh.

“Do you love me?” Youngjae asks before he has properly thought about the consequences of asking such a question. “Don’t answer that.” He feels needy wanting his love so much that he can’t just be content with what he has gotten from Jaebum, which is something close to love, so close that if he shuts his eyes and imagines it, it feels a lot like love. He regrets asking such a needy question. He feels petty for expecting so much from someone he respects so much. He regrets asking such a petty question. He is so busy thinking all these things that he has no time to look up and find Jaebum’s head nodding in the darkness where honesty is so much easier. Youngjae closes his eyes and snuggles his face into Jaebum’s thigh. Jaebum puts a hand in Youngjae’s smooth hair and caresses it with the softest touch he can manage.

“Does Samael love Phenex?”

“Of course.” Youngjae answers so quickly that Jaebum starts smiling.

“And why is that?”

“Because despite everything cruel Phenex has done to Samael, he will always come back and show Samael that there is good will deep down inside him even if it isn’t his intent to do so. Samael is an angel so he sees a light even where everyone else can only spot darkness and he falls in love with that little light because Phenex has the will to let Samael make it grow bigger and brighter.” Gazing down at Youngjae, Jaebum decides to believe in what Youngjae has said.

“Thank you, Samael,” Jaebum mumbles.

“I’m Phenex.” Youngjae leans his head back and looks puzzled up at Jaebum.

“Are you?” Youngjae sighs as his smile returns to his face with much tranquillity.

Few are left hiding and Yugyeom and Jinyoung have gotten the rest of their friends behind them only because they are curious as to how Youngjae and Jaebum are still nowhere to be found.

“Do you think they cheated and went on another floor?” Jinyoung shakes his head.

“I don’t think so and some of the others already checked just in case but they didn’t find anyone.” The current situation is Jinyoung and Yugyeom with Mark, Jackson and BamBam behind them at the bottom of the stairs that Jaebum and Youngjae are hiding under. Youngjae heard them speak and put a hand over Jaebum’s mouth.

“Oh, I know where they are.” BamBam smiles to himself because he knows what a dark broom cupboard can do to a young man’s bravery. Yugyeom only has to glance over at BamBam’s face briefly before he knows exactly the spot that BamBam is thinking about. With hasty steps and long legs, he rushes around the corner and everyone rush after him. His hand is on the handle that he hesitates to turn.

“Come on, Yugyeom.”

“What if they’re… Kissing or something?” He looks over at BamBam who is always his go to with questions like this.

“Then that’s good for them and we’ll have a great laugh. Just open the door,” he reassures and Yugyeom presses down on the handle. The light from the hallway shines onto nervously smiling Youngjae sitting on a box next to Jaebum whose mouth is covered by Youngjae’s hand. Jaebum looks indifferent and grabs Youngjae’s wrist so he can place his hand back in his lap.

“About time people,” Jaebum complains without meaning it as he stands up and dusts off his jeans. Youngjae squints his eyes at the light and Jaebum pretends it is not bothering him. They exit the room and deem themselves done with hide and seek. Jaebum takes a powerful lead in the bundle of friends and Youngjae walks slowly to get to Jackson at the very back of the group. He squeezes Jackson’s hand with a message that is delivered to Jackson in perfect condition. He gives Youngjae a curious look but Youngjae doesn’t respond.

They return to room 110 where all the hiders have been placed and here they wait for the last few people to be found. As soon as they enter they are bombarded with questions.

“Where’d you hide?”

“Did you change spots?”

“Did you cheat?”

Jaebum and Youngjae look at each other and chuckle. “A good magician never reveals his tricks,” Youngjae replies and the questions stop and people sulk over the empty answer. It was in many ways a fun game but people are already giving up on the idea of a second round. Some people stay behind and play something else but the seven boys from room 106 are not in the mood. Jackson just wants a chance to speak to Youngjae alone and Youngjae just wants a chance to speak to Jaebum alone and Jaebum wants a chance to speak to himself more than anyone else. The others are somewhat oblivious but at this point their noses are as trained as a police dog’s and they smell a familiar tension in the air.

Jaebum sits down on top of the tables that have been pushed aside with his notebook and a pencil. He keeps noticeably to himself but no one asks, at least not yet. Youngjae glances up at him in the hope that he can get some sort of emotion out of him. Something that he wants to tell Youngjae with a smile or a simple look. Right now, Jaebum is pouring his feelings out to himself with passion. Jinyoung and Mark have recognised the book and are sending each other suspicious looks.

“Okay,” BamBam says and stands up. He tries to lift the mood with an optimistic voice and a clap. “Let’s do something fun.” Yugyeom stands up next to him being the faithful hype man that he is. “Wanna find the chairs that have wheels and race on them.” Jackson and Youngjae are up from their spots before BamBam has even finished the sentence.

“You’re on,” Youngjae challenges and they rush out of there with excitement written all over their faces. Mark and Jinyoung look over at Jaebum and Jinyoung coughs with the intent of getting Jaebum’s attention. It is very clear on the fake cough so Jaebum sighs in defeat before looking up from his world of feelings. Jinyoung looks sternly at him and they notice how it makes Jaebum clench and unclench his jaw.

“It’s just all a bit weird.”

“What happened in there?”

“It’s so much easier to be honest in darkness, ironically.” Jaebum gets up and puts his notebook back into his bag. “Coming?” He asks at the door and his two friends follow him with puzzled expressions. They can hear wheels rolling around and competitive yells from the other end of the first floor where no one is sleeping and they are sure the teachers won’t hear them. Jaebum steers them to the side and opens the cupboard underneath the stairs. Mark has gotten it by now but Jinyoung is feeling a bit dense from Jaebum’s weird behaviour.

“What are we doing in here?” Jinyoung asks once they are settled.

“Look, that really doesn’t matter. Just ask me what you need to ask me.” Jaebum sounds nervous which shuts Jinyoung up completely.

“What is it you’re thinking about?” Jaebum sighs. He has never been this scared about the opinions of his friends even though he has basically already gotten them.

“I’ve realised that.” He puts in a pause here because he needs to breathe. He sits down on the same box as earlier. “That being in love with Youngjae means kissing him… Is gay?” There’s a slow clap coming from somewhere in the darkness. Of course, it is Jinyoung.

“Wow, Im Jaebum. You’ve reached a new level of idiot.”

“It’s not like that. I realise it sounds stupid but I’m scared of the consequences.” Jaebum fiddles with his hands in the darkness as another hopeless sigh signals his heavy heart. “I’m very scared.”

“Be scared all you want but don’t let that feeling make decisions for you,” Mark has taken over and Jinyoung has pressed Jaebum’s head against his chest in panic and love for his best friend.

“How?”

“All you have to do is think of how much Youngjae is worth it,” Jinyoung suggests and Mark pats him on the back to show that he agrees. Jaebum nods into Jinyoung’s chest and there is a pause. Somehow Mark and Jinyoung know that Jaebum is not done talking yet. _Kissing him is gay_ , this has stuck with them. Not that it is unnatural to think about that but he could just have said that being in love with Youngjae is gay. They suspect the truth because Jaebum is so easy to see through right now.

“We kissed. Not just today. Once before that too. He promised not to tell anyone because I wasn’t ready and I’ve been wondering if there is even a point in telling you this because we haven’t talked about it, at least not properly. There is no conclusion to take from this. We just kissed and talked in unanswered questions and vague allusions.”

“Define kiss for us,” Jinyoung requests with a fresh dash of joy to his tone of voice.

“The first one was not really a kiss. By the technical definition, yes, but it felt more like acceptance. It was like he swore to care for the real me. He gave me a lot Wednesday.” Jinyoung and Mark hum. “Today, though, I don’t think I’ve ever been kissed that good. He blew my mind. We had to stop because,” Jaebum stops there out of embarrassment but his friends figure out the rest just fine on their own.

“Cute. Jaebum getting carried away with a kiss. I can’t imagine that. You’re always so in control of any situation. I’m glad to hear you’re able to let go a little.” Jinyoung giggles and hugs Jaebum tighter.

“I felt like I was high or something.”

“High on love,” Mark teases as he opens the door so they can get out of there.

“Oh, shut up.” Jaebum smacks Mark’s neck and hides his face that has grown a little bit pink.

On their way to meet the others from the suddenly popular broom cupboard, they are stormed by four chairs going full speed with a yelling lunatic on each of them. “Fuck, guys,” Jaebum yells as they jump out of the way. Once they have slowed down Youngjae rushes over to apologise.

“We didn’t hit you, did we? I’m sorry.” He grabs Jaebum’s hand out of straight instinct. It takes a moment for them both to realise that they are holding hands with more passion than they care to show people, least of all their friends who they know will tease the crap out of them if this gets completely out in the open. They all kind of know by now and are hardly pretending they don’t anymore so while Youngjae is apologising like Jaebum is made of porcelain and will break at the tiniest bit of impact, Mark and Jinyoung have their arms crossed and huge smirks on their faces.

“I’m okay,” Jaebum says and coughs as they both take a step away from each other. Jackson, BamBam and Yugyeom come running.

“Hey, weren’t we promised a story about a drunken night gone wrong?” Jackson asks looking like he is thankful he remembered. Yugyeom, BamBam and Youngjae start to jump up and down with excitement.

“Can we take that tomorrow. I’m exhausted right now and we need to be well rested for tomorrow,” Jaebum excuses. The four of them nod at each other to make sure no one forgets to keep them to their words. Youngjae nods firmly at Jaebum and they walk back into their classroom and get ready for sleep.

"I won the bet," Jinyoung whispers to Mark with glee. Mark can't help but chuckle. There is something oddly sweet about such a tasteless comment. Maybe it's just because it is Jinyoung, the boy who makes everything charming, or maybe Mark just always smiles at strange things.

Youngjae and Jaebum are hit with memories from their night in Haejin’s cottage as soon as they lie down. Jaebum remembers the shirt Youngjae is wearing. The print is barely visible anymore and there are holes along the sewing. To no one’s surprise, Jaebum and Youngjae have laid out their sleeping bags next to each other so once everyone has gone silent, closed their eyes and are breathing heavily, Jaebum lets himself steal a glance at sleeping Youngjae but instead, he finds a pair of eyes glancing back at him. Jaebum smiles and hides his face in his sleeping bag so only his eyes peek out at the boy he has admitted to being in love with more than once now.

“Choi Youngjae, you need to sleep,” Jaebum whispers.

“Im Jaebum, you do too.” They hold in their laugher like they are making the funniest jokes when they are simply just fools who are crazy in love with each other. They don’t bother to hide it in a moment like this which is why Youngjae’s hand stretches out so he can swirl a lock of Jaebum’s black hair around his finger. “Goodnight Jaebum.”

“Goodnight sunshine. Don’t keep me up with all your smiling.” Youngjae retrieves his hand and smiles sleepily at Jaebum one last time before he closes his eyes and buries himself in all the softness surrounding him. Jaebum’s eyes linger a little longer before he too allows himself to drift off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think of how 2Jae managed to drown the darkness ;)


	22. Love Lives

**Day 45 Saturday**

8:30 am is when people slowly start coming in for breakfast. Some have changed out of their pyjamas and some have not. Youngjae and Yugyeom are hungry and dive straight into the food as the first ones from their room to show up.

“How did you sleep?” Miss Kwon asks the two.

“Fine,” they mumble over each other. Miss Kwon smiles like she has been up for hours; the boys in their pyjamas would not be surprised.

“The weather is lovely today. I’m thinking of doing some of the work outside so we don’t go insane in the dark auditorium.” Yugyeom and Youngjae nod furiously at Miss Kwon and she slides back to her original seat next to Mr Song. Jackson and Mark come in and sit opposite Yugyeom and Youngjae. Jackson is wearing his usual casual clothes consisting of tracksuit bottoms, a tank top and a hoodie. The lazy outfit is weighed out by his charming smile. BamBam, Jinyoung and Jaebum come in last and join the table. They eat a lot since they have no idea what they are in for today. Rehearsing all day could be a lot of work and maybe Miss Kwon has other things planned as well.

“Alright kiddos,” Miss Kwon says casually yet with much enthusiasm. During this time the group of people here have grown close and Miss Kwon is no exception. They have all come to love her as a teacher and a guide as she has come to love them as her star students even if she only teachers very few of them in actual classes. “It’s a nice hot day today so Mr Song is running out for some ice lollies. While he does so, I want everyone standing in a circle.” People shuffle around on the big field behind the school building and make room until the circle is about 40-50 people big, which is pretty big in case you were wondering. “’What now?’ You’re wondering. I’ll tell you. I want you all to start the day off feeling like you’re the best team in this business. I don’t care that it is a mere school production. Damnit, we’re the best and everyone here needs to feel that so I want everyone to compliment the person on either side of them and be creative.” Jackson pulls at Youngjae’s sleeve and yells out, “you’re so kind! I love you.” He wraps his arms around Youngjae who returns the compliment with the addition that Jackson’s optimism is like no other’s. Youngjae turns around and is faced with the back of Jaebum’s head. He is done with his own partner before long.

“Youngjae,” he smiles. “I have said it all before but I will say it again. You’re bright as the sun and colourful as a field full of flowers.” Youngjae cannot contain his happiness and it shines through him like the morning sun through his bedroom window.

“And you are so enchanting. I think it’s a mixture of how intense you can be and the passion you have. The glow you have these days is doing a lot for it too.”

“Glow?”

“You seem free from previous worries. It’s like your wings have been untied after so long so now you won’t stop flying because the time you’ve lost was so precious. I love to see you smile like you do now.” Jaebum pushes Youngjae’s chest gently. He is not used to being complimented the way Youngjae compliments him. He gets shy which is fairly new. They stare at each other, enclosed in their own world until Miss Kwon calls for their attention again. Youngjae wants to reach over and hold Jaebum’s hand like it is the most normal thing in the world but no one will think so. Everyone will look and talk and wonder. Jaebum is thinking the same thing as he leans closer and closer to Youngjae. He ends up putting his chin on Youngjae’s shoulder and Youngjae chuckles softly. The pleasant stance is not held for long before Jaebum retreats unwillingly as if he were only doing it to rest for a moment and not craving the scent and the feeling of Youngjae.

“Okay, split into your teams now. There was some painting that needed to be done, right?” Miss Kwon asks Jimin who nods. “If it’s possible you can come out here and paint. You can also take the costumes out here.”

“Hey, Miss,” BamBam says. The way he calls for her makes people listen in. “I was thinking; if the weather is nice Friday, why don’t we do the show out here? We’ve had a stage out here before at events with sound systems and everything. It shouldn’t be difficult.” There is an anticipating silence from everyone as Miss Kwon gives the idea some thought.

“That might work. I’ll grab a hold of the caretaker if I see him around so I can ask if he thinks it’s doable.” A buzz of excitement rises among the team as they split up to get working on their stations. Jaebum and Youngjae look nervously at each other. Something about leaving the comfort of the auditorium is a bit much to take in. Miss Kwon skips over to them and makes them face one end of the sports field. “I think it will heighten your performance even more," she says and points.

“The nerves are coming back,” Jaebum says to Youngjae as they watch their director walk towards the imagined stage with wonder and Youngjae nods, words lodged in the back of his throat. “Miss Kwon is so spacy sometimes.”

“It’s charming. She’s a quirky person.” Youngjae watches Miss Kwon with her mind at work. Her style is casual for a teacher’s but she still manages to keep it professional. Her hair is flowing freely. Although it is not very long, she still ties it into a tiny ponytail at the back of her head. Youngjae pushes his glasses up and it reminds Jaebum of how beautiful Youngjae looked yesterday when they kissed in the darkness. His remembers feeling them against his thigh when Youngjae cuddled into it.

“Your glasses really suit you,” Jaebum blurts out like he never has before. He used to be in control of his body, especially his mouth, but nowadays it just does whatever it wants without checking with his brain first.

“I was wondering why you were staring.” Youngjae matches a shy smile with the blush that makes a regular appearance on his cheeks these days. “And thank you. I’m not gonna lie, it thrills me when I know you feel such things. Glasses that suit me, or something more complicated, they all matter to me because you’re the one feeling them.” Youngjae watches as people go in and out to bring their things outside. They are even carrying tables out and now BamBam is speaking to Miss Kwon and one of the caretakers. Jaebum is looking at Youngjae with wonder and a tinge of worry. He takes a step closer so they are shoulder to shoulder and Youngjae looks up with sparks of interest in his eyes.

“Thank you for being patient with me.” Youngjae nods reassuringly before he looks back out at the scene in front of them. “To be honest, I kind of knew what I was feeling yesterday. I think it is just hard to admit.”

“I get that. Take your time, it’s not like I’ll be going anywhere,” Youngjae reassures with an adoring softness that is only meant for Jaebum in his vulnerable moments. It warms him so generously that he forgets the sun above them, which seems to have become a regular occurrence. “Not when you’re being this cute.” Youngjae can’t help but tease Jaebum.

They are in the middle of a middle phase. It is the little period of time in which both parts know it will lead somewhere or die out before it can. It is the part where every little glance is exciting and every hint tickles your heart’s deepest wishes. A kiss in the dark suits it well; a kiss that can avoid explaining. It is the stage where they both know just enough to dare ask for a little more, and a little more until they know enough to have the talk and the kiss that decides it, the one that isn’t hidden in the darkness of a broom cupboard. It sounds easy when it is laid out like this, like a game that you can’t really lose if you play your cards with gut-feeling but it is more like a game of blackjack. Nothing is certain and you have to gamble on whether or not you can take that extra card without bursting your limit. As Youngjae walks from Jaebum, the distant voice of an old Jaebum gets access to the speaker system in Youngjae’s head. _When you’re the bad guy, 13 is your lucky number._

Maybe none of them is bad, but maybe bad and good aren’t so different once loves interferes. Maybe one crucial bold gamble is the only way to the perfect 21. Youngjae intends to find out.

“Stop, Jackson,” Yugyeom laughs in the grass where Jackson has pinned him down to tickle the breath out of him.

“You’re so adorable,” Jackson giggles as he gets off his poor friend and he sits back up with a hand on his stomach that hurts from all the laughing. Bambam gives them a stern look and Jackson pokes his tongue out at him. Since his idea of an outdoor show was chosen BamBam has taken on a leadership role and, according to his protesting friends, gotten very bossy. The stage is being set up and BamBam is trying to get people to help when they really don’t need any more hands.

“Hey Bammie,” Youngjae shouts from his spot in the grass. Jaebum casually puts his chin on Youngjae’s shoulder for the second time and Youngjae puts his hand just as casually into Jaebum’s hair. BamBam’s eyes meet Youngjae’s. “I love you, but calm down. We can’t help much right now so just come sit and relax.” BamBam’s shoulders fall and he slouches over to his friends with exhaustion.

“I know,” BamBam sighs. He puts his head in Youngjae’s lap. Jaebum’s body comes closer because he isn’t overjoyed about sharing what is slowly and unsteadily maybe probably becoming his. By the end of his slow set of movements, he has his chest pressed up against Youngjae’s back and his legs on either side of him. No one comments on it but they make eyes at each other and once BamBam opens his, a huge smile appears on his full lips.

“What came over you?” Youngjae asks and rests a hand on BamBam’s stomach.

“I think I just got really into this whole thing. I want it to be really beautiful because the setting should match your performance. I want people to walk out of here so amazed. I want them to feel like they weren’t watching a school play but a genuine love, not really love, story.” Youngjae whines with embarrassment and Jaebum reaches out for the bro shake. BamBam chuckles as he takes Jaebum’s hand.

“Thanks, man, but there’s no need to rush. We’ve got six days left and if we’re as good as you say we are, then we wouldn’t even need a stage. We could just stand in the grass and everyone would be blown away,” Jaebum says in a joking tone. Youngjae laughs and Jaebum smiles a boyfriend kind of smile at him just to test it out. There is a moment of silence in which everyone sees, everyone votes and everyone approves.

“On the subject of our outrageous talent, I need your help with that one scene I keep messing up.” Youngjae turns his head to look at Jaebum.

“Of course. We’re probably going to rehearse later as well so we can try it out before the full rehearsal.” Youngjae nods and leans his back fully against Jaebum’s hard chest. Youngjae cannot lie, he often wonders what kind of a build is hiding underneath his shirt. In Youngjae’s mind, he is imagining light abs but nothing crazy. No matter what kind of a body Jaebum has, Youngjae wants to feel all of it, kiss all of it and feel entitled to do so. He wants to get the okay sign from Jaebum and not this yellow light bullshit that is driving them both insane.

Jaebum’s arms wrap around Youngjae’s waist and meet in front. Jaebum cannot lie, he often wonders what kind of a build is hiding underneath his shirt. In Jaebum’s mind, he is imagining something soft but as fairly skinny as Youngjae looks in general. No matter what kind of a body Youngjae has, Jaebum wants to feel all of it, kiss all of it and feel entitled to do so. He wants to get the okay sign from Youngjae and not this yellow light bullshit that is driving them both insane.

“Uhm,” Yugyeom says like he is about to address something awkward. “What’s- no never mind.” He shuts up because no one wants to ruin whatever is going on. Youngjae looks over at him with insisting curiosity. “I was just wondering… Well, I just didn’t know Jaebum was as cuddly as Youngjae,” he admits and holds back a teasing grin. BamBam sits up in an instant like anxious tension has filled the air suddenly.

“Youngjae is hard not to hug, I know you guys agree,” Jaebum answers calmly and Youngjae tries his best not to reveal the joy that spreads in his body and makes his heart flutter.

“True.” Jackson nods solemnly. “Very true, Im Jaebum. You are a wise man.” Jaebum laughs without sound and rests his forehead on Youngjae’s shoulder. “Everyone loves and adores Youngjae.” The whole group nods and Youngjae gets an acute case of shyness. Jaebum was not lying when he said what he did but he avoided the whole truth, the one that requires a little more courage from Jaebum than what he posses at this moment. For now, friendly touches and secret kisses have to be enough for him.

They rehearse outside until their stomachs start to growl and they all rush to dinner. It’s a quiet evening after that with Yugyeom being with the dancers and Jackson out talking to girls who want to look at him flex every two minutes. Mark has gone with him for a few laughs. BamBam and Jinyoung are in some deep conversation that no one can seem to penetrate so they stay out of it. Jaebum and Youngjae sit on their sleeping bags stuffing snacks into their mouths and small talking.

“As soon as they remember they’ll come running to hear your drunken story.”

“I don’t doubt it.”

“I’m curious too,” Youngjae thinks out loud and bites his lip.

“Why?”

“I’d like to know how bad boy JB works his magic on a night out.”

“I have plenty of those that are less embarrassing to tell than this one,” Jaebum laughs and Youngjae hugs him for comfort even though he is still going to be asking for the story shamelessly once the others are here too. “Youngjae, you’re the one person I don't want to tell this story to. It's so deeply embarrassing.” Youngjae lets go of Jaebum and questions him with furrowed eyebrows. “You’ll see why,” Jaebum explains with a weak smile.

Jackson bursts into the room not long after with Yugyeom and Mark behind him. Mark looks a little less about to burst with excitement than the two others but the atmosphere changes as soon as they enter the room.

“They remembered,” Youngjae whispers to the anxious Jaebum.

“Storytime!” Jackson says with excitement as he pulls Jinyoung and BamBam down into the circle.

“The hour has come, Im Jaebum,” Jinyoung says dramatically. Everyone gets ready with their eyes on Jinyoung. “It was one Friday night at about 9 pm that the three of us arrived at the bar we frequent. We had a buzz going on and the place was full of cute girls. Now, before I continue I would like to point out that there were several incidents on this fine night. I will touch on all of them but you must have patience. Mark and Jaebum are welcome to protest if they find that the details I share are incorrect. I myself was shitfaced.” Everyone nods and a few chuckles are heard. “Let’s continue; we sit down and we order a few more drinks. A couple more than we should have because once we stand we all feel them hit at once. Jaebum has made eye contact several times with a girl who was out on the dancefloor so he walks out there with a drink in one hand and his feet not steady at all.”

“Okay, I wasn’t that bad. As far as I remember I was walking pretty straight.” Jinyoung raises an eyebrow and Jaebum does the same. Youngjae envies them both for their abilities.

“Just get back to the story,” Jackson rushes them.

“He went up to the girl and she was very... Forward in the way she danced. I wouldn’t even say she danced with you, more like, against you. It was an intense thing to look at. Here comes incident number one that will become funnier the further into the story we get: Jaebum got hard on the dancefloor.” Jaebum’s lips are thin lines at this point as he listens to the snickering of his friends and the boy who can get him harder than any girl just by popping up into Jaebum’s head in the middle of a shower. “The girl reacted by smirking and Jaebum was so drunk that he just smirked back like nothing had happened. What was her name by the way?”

“I never got her name,” Jaebum chuckles.

“Okay, oh well, it’s not that important,” Jinyoung continues. “They came back to our booth and snogged each other’s faces off. Thanks for that show by the way,” Jinyoung says with disgust written all over his face. “Jaebum was just about ready to pop when her friend came over with tears streaming down her face and she had to leave him there. You should have seen his face... And his boner."

“I think I should take over from here, my dear old friend Jinyoung,” Jaebum hisses. “We left too because I was annoyed and drunk out of my mind. We went to a club and at this point, things are a little hard for me to remember but there was a girl and a toilet and.” Jaebum would rather this could be left unsaid.

“Ironically, he couldn’t get hard enough. We laughed so hard when he came out of the toilet with hickeys, an unimpressed girl and the drunkest angry face I’ve ever seen on anyone.” Mark blesses everyone with all the details that Jaebum would have left out in his own version. “Just making sure everyone got the point,” Mark says to Jaebum and Jaebum growls at him.

“Annoyed by his seemingly never-ending dry streak,” Jinyoung continues, “he suddenly felt he had something to prove so he took the first and the "best", someone who wouldn’t ask questions or say no…” Jinyoung starts laughing and so does Mark. Jaebum’s expression has never been this dark. “He was so close to having sex with,” Jinyoung heaves for air. “That stalker girl who keeps following him around.” They all fall back on their sleeping bags and start laughing.

“No wonder she’s after you if she was that close to getting some of that bad boy D,” Jackson laughs with his hands on his stomach.

“We didn’t get very far thankfully, so there’s not much to talk about,” Jaebum says with his arms crossed. Youngjae snickers as he goes to hug him. Youngjae is about to speak encouraging words to Jaebum when he opens his mouth first. “It’s not over.” His voice is monotone. The crowd grows silent and everyone looks back to Jaebum.

“What then?”

“We were walking home to Jinyoung’s place when we noticed this constant noise that had been buzzing behind us. We thought it was just another group of drunk students but when we turned around, she was there with her friends. I shouldn’t have done it. She’s been chasing me since. When we turned around they started giggling louder. We walked over to talk to them like the dumb fucks we were.” _Casual + angry swearing is a good combination._ “She told me she’d suck me off if I would sit with her at lunch.” Jaebum cringes with disgust.

“Hey, you got offered a blowjob, my leg was reeking of piss, I think our story is worse.”

“Well, he did get humiliated, VERY frustrated several times and gained the world’s most obvious and bothersome stalker.”

“And we haven’t even talked about what happened to Mark that night,” Jaebum says the darkness on his face turning evilly smug. Mark’s face only twitches slightly. “We were at the club and I was about to hook up with that girl. We’ll never know her name but, honestly, I don’t mind that. Anyway, he was talking on the phone with this girl he liked from The States when the girl came over and full on snogged him because she had seen the leather jacket and presumed it was me.”

“She’s a messy kisser,” Mark concludes with a scrunched-up nose. “It was far from good.”

“Agreed." Jaebum nods.

“Messy, but piss on the leg is worse,” BamBam states stubbornly and Yugyeom laughs and pushes BamBam.

Last time we went out Jaebum wasn’t much better, to be honest. We went to Han River and he yelled things at the water.”

“What things?”

“No, Jinyoung, no,” Jaebum says. His tone is rarely this serious, especially not anymore. The darkness around him now is much more serious. One that only his best friends dare test. Jinyoung looks at Mark shortly before he opens his mouth again slowly enough for Jaebum to interrupt. “I fucking dare you.” Jaebum stands up.

“Dare me? Jaebum calm down.” Jinyoung and Mark stand. They walk over to Jaebum with glimpses of routine in the way they move.

“Calm down? You made a promise.” Jaebum is getting furious.

“I wasn’t gonna say anything. I was just playing around,” Jinyoung says as he gets closer.

“Playing around? My secrets are that unimportant, eh?” Jinyoung and Mark try to calm him down. “Well, okay. Okay then. I was yelling your name, Youngjae.” He turns to Youngjae. “I was yelling your name because it has been haunting my head since the first time you opened your mouth and spoke to me. I’ve never been so affected by another person before and it’s killing me slowly. I know what I’m feeling and that’s why I’m yelling; because I wish I wasn’t feeling those things. I wish I could stop falling in love with you but I can’t.”

The smacking door activates the silence. Jinyoung and Mark had thought he needed a push so he could fall and realise that landing in a sea of soft heart pillows doesn’t hurt. They shake hands. “We know him so well,” Jinyoung gloats happily. “Now, you, go talk to him,” Jinyoung pulls the shocked Youngjae up and pats him on the back to send him along. Jackson, BamBam and Yugyeom have their mouths wide open before they can truly fathom what is going on.

“Oh my god,” Jackson whines excitedly. “That is so romantic.”

Youngjae spots Jaebum turning the corner to go up the stairs. “Jaebum,” he speaks with a soft voice as he goes after him. “Jaebum,” he repeats but he gets nothing in return. He follows Jaebum all the way to the top floor before he snaps. “IM JAEBUM!” Jaebum freezes from head to toe at the rage. “Thank you,” he says as he once again turns soft. “We need to talk, don’t we? It’s been long enough.” Youngjae edges closer to Jaebum who has only turned halfway around.

There are chairs and tables by the windows at the end of the wide hall. It is the horrible hard ones that schools buy in large quantities as if they deliberately try to be a pain in their young students' asses. Youngjae silently curses at the plastic as he sits down next to Jaebum. They have moved their chairs to face the window. Somehow it makes it a less difficult to speak.

“I feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest,” Jaebum mutters as he crosses his legs in his chair. The sun goes down late these days so the Seoul skyline is draped in pink and orange to match their hearts.

“There's been a lot of ups and downs with us,” Youngjae says just to say something, just to kill the silence that kills them both. “I never thought it could be so complicated to get to know a person.”

“I never thought it could be so complicated to get to know myself.”

Everything is much more beautiful in the dusk.

“Since the first time I spoke to you?” Youngjae asks with curiosity.

“I could have backed out, you know? If I had said no, Jinyoung would have just shrugged his shoulders and thought 'oh well'. I was unsure why but I found out soon enough. I didn’t know then but it’s been you since the beginning. I think Jinyoung and Mark had hoped something like that would happen.”

“I feared you at first, just a little. Comically enough I think something about the punch you gave me made me realise that something was going on or at least that something was going to. You don’t scare me much anymore Im Jaebum. You’ve shown me too much and I think that’s what hit me when you hit me. That I would like to get to know the mind and the heart behind the careless fist and the cold eyes. 13 became my lucky number.”

“Maybe I can make it mine too... Can I start over with what I tried to convey in the middle of my rage before?”

“Please do,” Youngjae replies so lightly that the words are barely audible but Jaebum always hears because he always listens.

“The thing you asked me in the broom cupboard yesterday, I do,” Jaebum admits. His eyes leave the pretty view and search for something in Youngjae’s eyes that will indicate some sort of reaction. He looks stunned most of all like he didn’t already know that Jaebum feels this way. “I thought maybe you had figured it out, you know, before I said it out loud in front of you.”

“I had. It’s just a lot different when you tell me… Like this. Without anger or prying friends.” Youngjae reaches out to tug on Jaebum’s shirt. His shyness earns a deep admiring chuckle from Jaebum as he moves his chair closer by Youngjae’s stubborn demand. With his shyness still much intact, he lets his fingers run through Jaebum’s hair. Jaebum falls into his touch with no restrictions and he moans innocently in the care of Youngjae’s safe hands.

“I love you, Youngjae.”

“Show me,” Youngjae challenges with a lazily loving smile and Jaebum puts his hard look on that pierces through Youngjae and makes him bite at his lower lip until Jaebum steals it in between his own teeth with some weird cocktail of playful lust and soft love. This braveness is taking them to places they have never been before. It is taking them far away from where they are. It is taking them to a place that they shouldn’t go to here, not at school. Jaebum lets go and Youngjae pecks his lips. Control is not easy to regain when you have spent the last month trying to get rid of it. “I love you too, Jaebum.” He drags himself out of the magnetic force that is pulling his lips towards Jaebum’s.

“I’m gonna be so annoying to deal with.”

“Why?”

“I’ve never allowed myself to be needy towards anyone before.”

“Sounds like heaven to me,” Youngjae softly smiles before putting his lips on each of Jaebum’s cheeks. “Thus, with a kiss, I live.” Jaebum smiles and grabs Youngjae’s face so he can’t go anywhere.

“We like to change those outdated classics up a bit, don’t we?”

“Don’t we?” Youngjae laughs at a volume that matches his whispering. He pecks Jaebum on the lips again and it causes Jaebum to slam his lips against Youngjae’s. The passion drowns them both and they don’t see, hear, taste, smell or feel anything but each other and they have a feeling their senses will stay like that long after the kiss ends, far into their future.

Jaebum has never felt so free and neither has Youngjae, he realises in the embrace of the man he would cross oceans for, even the red ones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Is there much more to say?  
> I'm back next week, don't think this is over ;) love yall <3


	23. Last Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. My day took a pretty shitty turn so I’ve been trying to recover from that. I hope this chapter isn’t crap because of that. <3

They attempt to muster up the courage to go back into the room where their friends are all anticipating their arrival greatly. Youngjae gets shy about the whole situation and digs his face into Jaebum’s neck as soon as they have made it inside.

“Jaebum, sorry for pulling that trick on you. Are we good?” Just because Jinyoung and Mark’s plan worked, it doesn’t mean that Jaebum is not very salty about it. With an angel wrapped around him, however, he manages to forgive his friends with a solemn handshake.

“Youngjae,” Jaebum chuckles. “You good?” Youngjae nods and moves his head up to plant an innocent kiss on Jaebum’s jaw. Jackson squeals in the background and he and Yugyeom jump up and down. BamBam and Jinyoung are looking at them like proud parents and Mark is smiling uncontrollably. This is new.

“Stop looking!” Youngjae shies away and sits down to try and get the mood to die down a little bit. Jaebum follows and so does everyone else. It’s question time now that all the cards are laid out on the table. The perfect 21 has been hit and they have won the jackpot.

“What happened all those afternoons? Obviously, it must have been something interesting for you to be here now.” Youngjae and Jaebum tell their stories from the piano lessons to the hyped-up cabin outside the city. They gasp, they laugh and they reveal things that even Jaebum and Youngjae didn’t know about each other like the fact that Jaebum has a notebook at home with songs about the conflicting love he is feeling. It takes them until 2:30 am to realise that it is getting late.

It’s to no one’s surprise that it looks like Jaebum and Youngjae’s sleeping bags have magically moved closer together when they all say goodnight to each other and cuddle into their sleeping bags. Youngjae moves a hand out towards Jaebum with closed eyes. He finds Jaebum’s shoulder and slides his hand down Jaebum’s arm to find his hand. It is met with a light squeeze and a little tug.

“Goodnight, Youngjae.”

“Night night, Jaebum.”

**Day 46 Sunday**

They are sent home in the morning on Sunday because they have been working very effectively (and maybe because Miss Kwon saw the tired eyes of her two leads). Miss Kwon knows something is up when she pats Jaebum and Youngjae on the back and tells them to rest well and it becomes clear through her knowing glance. How she always seems to see everything is beyond the whole crew.

At the school’s gate the friends part, once the other students have gone. “Text me later,” Youngjae asks of Jaebum and he nods before taking the kiss that Youngjae offers. They feel very on display as their friends watch with big smiles and excited noises like the canned laughter in a sitcom. “Bye.” Youngjae waves shyly at his B O Y F R I E N D.

“Later,” Jaebum says and watches his B O Y F R I E N D walk away with his friends who have insisted on walking him home probably for more details about the kiss. It is not hard to imagine the three of them eagerly trying to get everything out of Youngjae because _holy cow_ he kissed the bad boy king of the school and it is kind of insane. “Oh my god,” Jaebum sighs. He starts laughing because the whole thing seems so ridiculously unreal. His friends clap him on the back.

“Well done, man, you finally did it.”

“Hey, uh, thanks for supporting me so much while I’ve been struggling. Thanks for always having my back. I hope you know I’m there for you too and, hopefully, I can stop being a full-time job for you.” Mark and Jinyoung smile from ear to ear at their best friend to show him just how much they love him if that message has not already been conveyed clearly enough through their support.

“You deserve this happiness. It’s been long enough,” Jinyoung reassures his humbled friend. “Plus, Youngjae has redefined being hopelessly in love. He deserves this too.”

“He’s so cute. I could actually cry,” Jaebum admits and hides his embarrassed face in his hands.

“You’re damn snatched… Even though you didn’t know, you always were.”

“If we need proof, there’s always the shower incident,” Mark teases and Jaebum is ready to choke him. Mark laughs loudly somehow ending up hugging both Jaebum and Jinyoung in a reconfirming moment.

Youngjae listens to “My Guy” on full blast in his kitchen and sings along as he cooks pancakes in his striped pyjamas. He jumped straight into it once he got home. It’s just short of 10 am so his family isn’t even up, all of them lovers of sleeping in on Sunday mornings. His brother comes in first, looking freshly awoken. He rubs his eyes as he stares at the enormous smile on Youngjae’s face. Youngjae flips the pancake and sends his brother a peppy look.

“Who shagged you?” His tone of voice combined with the piercing look in his eyes tells Youngjae that he woke him up and that he is far from happy about it. He takes a moment to take in the sweet smell of the sizzling pancakes and shrugs his shoulders forgivingly. He sits down at the table, patiently awaiting the pancakes to wake him up from his half-slumber. The song ends but Youngjae’s playlist is far from finished and Youngjae keeps singing along to the endless love songs. His brother lets him be because his happiness is producing pancakes and he doesn’t let an opportunity like that pass.

“Your weekend must have been good,” his mother states as she enters the kitchen. “Ooh, pancakes!” She smiles excitedly at the pan in his hands. His father and sister both join the table of pancake-awaiters before too long. They all curiously anticipate Youngjae’s pancakes and an explanation to go with them. He puts the plate of pancakes on the table and the whole family digs in.

“Youngjae, why are you so bright today?” His sister breaks the comfortable silence that blossoms so well on a lazy Sunday morning with the family surrounding the dining table.

“I just had a good rehearsal weekend.” He smiles to himself before taking a bite of his pancake, covered in fruit and sugar. His sister sends him a look. It’s a look of reproach and suspicion. Youngjae has to put up a fight because he wants to keep this his own thing for a little while longer. “It’s really just that. We had a lot of fun and we were really productive too and we got to go home early.” When they shrug it off they forget the hobby that Youngjae has been tending much to these days; acting.

Youngjae’s phone rings from its place by the stove. He rushes up from his seat to find Jaebum’s name and a picture that he took of Jaebum without his consent. (He won’t tell Jaebum because it surely will get him killed. Even now.) He eagerly rushes out of the room to answer.

“Jaebum,” he breathes out with relief like he hasn’t heard from him for days.

“Youngjae,” he speaks awkwardly. Youngjae can tell he is nervous. He is new to this after all and the fact that he does this despite the discomfort that it is bringing him makes Youngjae smile. “I just wanted to say hi and, um, I wanted to hear if you slept well because…” He pauses to gather himself. “Um, I was kind of just thinking about you all night.” Youngjae does a silent happy dance, unable to contain his emotions within his big heart that feels too small for all of this. It’s overflowing with Jaebum. He smiles and does a little wiggle that he will not tell anyone about _ever_ … Okay, maybe Jackson even though he will be teased and surely BamBam and Yugyeom will end up hearing about this somehow. He will probably demonstrate it for Jaebum when they’ve gotten more comfortable because Jaebum appreciates small things like these.

“I thought about you a lot too. Once I fell asleep it was with a smile on my face and woke up with it still there. I baked pancakes as soon as I got home and my smile isn’t going away.” Jaebum chuckles as Youngjae rambles on about the things Jaebum’s lips have made him do. Jaebum stops him in the middle him reciting the lyrics to “Everybody Loves Somebody” to ask him to come outside because the morning dew is making the moisture unbearable in the hot morning sun.

Youngjae has never put on his shoes so quickly. He runs fanatically to the door and pushes it open. There he stands in his striped pyjamas and with untied shoelaces on his old sneakers just staring at his leather jacket wearing Jaebum. _His_ Jaebum. Jaebum holds back a smile so big that it shows a little bit anyway. Youngjae just stares at the demonic beauty of the boy on the other side of the little lawn. Youngjae thinks to himself that the angel in Jaebum is being freed from its prison at this exact moment. Youngjae sees the halo glowing above Jaebum’s dark hair that is shining. Youngjae waves, trying to think of any words at all because they tripped over the doorstep when trying to follow him outside. Jaebum waves back.

“Hi, Choi Youngjae. How’s the demon in you?”

“Rising,” he replies. “How’s the angel in you?”

“Gleeful,” he smiles, letting all of his heart pour out through his smile so that it is dripping from the sleeves of his leather jacket. Jaebum takes a careful step forward. Youngjae charges into a run. Within seconds his arms are wrapped around Jaebum’s neck, hands in his already messy hair. He smashes his lips onto Jaebum’s and the magic happens again. Youngjae feels the wetness of Jaebum’s overly licked lips. He tastes a morning cigarette on Jaebum’s tongue. He heaves it in and breathes it out. His head is buried in Jaebum’s neck. Jaebum’s arms wrap around Youngjae’s waist and he closes his eyes. This makes it joyously easy for Youngjae’s siblings to peek out of the wide open front door at the two boys caught up in each other’s embrace.

Youngjae whispers into Jaebum’s ear. “Something in your kiss just told me, my sometime is now.” Jaebum can’t help but laugh loudly from the overwhelming warmth that his heart feels at the somewhat cliché quote that is ever so Youngjae.

“Something in my heart keeps saying my someplace is here.” There is a pause where Youngjae bites his lip and Jaebum sighs. “I can’t believe someone just heard me quote ‘Everybody Loves Somebody.’”

“ _Someone_ …” Youngjae comments bitterly and brings his head back up.

“Although my dream was overdue, your love made it well worth waiting for someone like you.”

“A lot better.” He plants a quick kiss on Jaebum lips.

“Im Jaebum!” The two look over at Youngjae’s sister who has announced hers and her brother’s presence at the scene. So much for keeping it a secret for a little longer. “You better be good to our little Youngjae. If you hurt that boy there will be a lot of unhappy people in this town. We’re counting on you!” She yells every word dramatically like they aren’t right there at the end of the tiny front garden. His siblings salute Jaebum and Jaebum does a confused and sloppy salute in return.

“Sure thing.”

“You look like an angel Im Jaebum. I trust you will make my brother happy like he will make you,” Youngjae’s brother beams. Youngjae blushes and wafts his free hand at them. The other one is holding tightly onto Jaebum’s.

“We should go before they get to say any more.” Jaebum chuckles and points at Youngjae’s pyjamas. “Oh, yeah.” Youngjae goes to change and comes back. He stops and takes all of Jaebum in because he has taken Youngjae’s breath away and then the way he is holding his hand out and makes a face when Youngjae stops in his tracks because, dammit, he has missed that hand for the five minutes that Youngjae was gone. Jaebum unknowingly knows how to make Youngjae fall even more in love.

“What do you wanna do?” Jaebum asks as they start walking in a random direction.

“Be with you. I don’t mind how or where.”

“Let’s get some ice cream then. It’s so hot out.”

“Why’d you bring your leather jacket? You’re a fool.”

“For your information, I brought it so I could put it out on the grass for you to sit on but whatever,” Jaebum huffs and takes his hand back to cross his arms in protest. Youngjae pouts so Jaebum pecks his lips.

“It shocks me every time. There’s something to get used to.”

“How do you think I feel then?”

“I bet you feel real smug.”

“I also feel anxious and clueless and a million other things that I can hardly put into words.” This makes Youngjae worried. He has an idea why Jaebum feels this way; he is not an idiot. He has been there himself but he asks either way, maybe because he has been there himself. He knows.

“Why?”

“I don’t want to fuck this up. I want to be someone you want to be with. I want to be proud of who I am and I don’t want to hide you away even if I’m scared to show you off right now. I feel constantly on the lookout when all I should be looking at is you. Don’t get me wrong, I do look at you a lot, actually, but I don’t want to feel like it’s embarrassing to hold your hand or kiss you like anyone else would kiss their boyfriend or girlfriend.” He grabs Youngjae’s hand as if to prove a point. Youngjae stops Jaebum from walking in a tempo that went up as soon as he started frantically rambling.

“It’s okay that you feel like that. I have too. It’s not that strange. With time it’ll be much easier. I promise you that.” Jaebum nods silently. “Let’s get ice cream and sit somewhere quiet.”

Jaebum’s uncle owns a shop close by so Jaebum knows that there is a bench behind the building and the possibility of free ice cream.

“They should have a lime flavour of this. I’d buy that,” Youngjae small talks as he tastes his raspberry ice lolly. He is seriously conscious about the way he eats it because deepthroating one of these would probably be beyond awkward so he gently bites at the top with as little lip as possible. Jaebum’s legs are lying across the whole bench including Youngjae’s thighs, so Youngjae places his hand on Jaebum’s leg and caresses with his thumb it as casually as it can get for something so fresh and new.

“We’re going to school tomorrow.” Jaebum brings the heavy atmosphere down from above their heads and gently hands it to Youngjae because he doesn’t know what to do with it himself. Youngjae hums to help him along like a teacher who keeps hinting at the answer until you get it yourself, like Miss Kwon handing the two of them the role of the opposite’s actual character forcing them to teach themselves what to do. Youngjae has learnt from the best. “What do I do? How do I act? I don’t know.” Jaebum finds comfort in Youngjae’s caress.

“There are two options. You can either try not to care about what anyone thinks or we can keep it secret until you’re comfortable with the whole thing. Whatever you choose, I’m with you.” Youngjae’s smile is weak but genuine and their sighs are heavy.

“Maybe I need to read the situation before I can decide. Does that make sense?” Youngjae nods and the silence turns a little less tense.

It’s so warm that the forehead that shows in the split of Youngjae’s outgrown fringe is glistening with fresh sweat. His eyes, that are bigger behind his round specs, are concentrating on the ice lolly he is carefully biting small pieces off of. The bottom starts to drip so he saves the mess by licking the bottom and Jaebum has to take an extra deep breath because Youngjae’s worries were not for nothing. This is what you would expect of a curiously and newly, kind of gay (probably just for Youngjae), and very hormonal teenager who just got himself a first boyfriend. Jaebum is getting hot in more ways than one so he moves his focus to his own ice cream. Youngjae snickers.

“What?”

“Nothing, I just… I see everything.” He winks at Jaebum’s his stunned facial expression and blows him a fake-innocent kiss that Jaebum feels from head to toe like an electric shock.

“You’re killing me already. I’m gonna remember this.”

“Oh, so you’re one of those ‘Daddy’s gonna teach you a lesson’ guys. Be careful what you get yourself into,” Youngjae warns in an out of the blue confidence boost. With one last evil glance at Jaebum, he slowly takes what’s left of the ice lolly into his mouth and out again. He licks his lips to finish whatever the hell he is doing before he smiles smugly at Jaebum.

“Y-you- But you’re so- what’s happening?” Youngjae laughs a wholehearted belly laugh and pulls his shoulders up to his face. He looks too squishy for what he just did and Jaebum’s smile screams confusion.

“You thought you were familiar with every aspect of the great Choi Youngjae. The one and only angel on the streets, demon in the sheets.” He laughs again. “I can’t believe I just said that.” His smile is way too wonderful and bright for a conversation like this but that just proves his point even further.

“You’re scaring me,” Jaebum laughs. “Stop.” Jaebum’s eye smile is the single most beautiful thing according to Youngjae who wouldn’t mind staring at it for hours. His little moles still work like a spell on Youngjae’s heart that is melting, not because of the warmth but because Jaebum is looking like an angel. He never wants the moment to end, he thinks with admiration filling his devoted heart.

**Day 47 Monday**

“Walk like a normal human being, dude.” Jinyoung elbows Jaebum in the ribs and he drops his exaggerated cool guy walk. He looks to his friends with desperation and they adjust their leather jackets as if they are activating their ultimate bad boy mode. Jaebum nods and does the same thing. He channels his inner demons that are as good as dead but as it has already been established, Jaebum is an immensely talented actor. He winks at a girl walking by and she falls for it so he smirks confidently. From the outside, he looks so full of himself like the old Jaebum always would. There is nothing humble in the way he moves or the way he speaks until lunch break hits him with the eyes he loves and a smile to match.

‘Hi’ would seem like the perfect opening but Jaebum has forgotten how to use his words so he simply admires the way Youngjae skips merrily through the grass and to the stage where they have gotten so comfortable lately. He sits next to Jaebum and smiles at him with understanding and much patience. Nothing is as important as making sure Jaebum is comfortable.

“I’m dead tired after a weekend like that.” Casually, Youngjae starts up a conversation between the present members of his group of friends. It is decision time in Jaebum’s head so he makes no time for casual conversation. Jackson and Mark come jogging. They both look at Jaebum whose gaze they catch. It is a weird moment. It is a clash of the excitement, the worry and the comfort of the situation. All three of them get confused at the others’ moods so the main character gets dizzy until; yes until, until he looks over at Youngjae, his co-star, friend, enemy and key to his heart. It clicks right then and there. He blinks a few times at his talking boyfriend before his hand reaches out for Youngjae’s. He scoots closer and puts one leg behind Youngjae so he can comfortably rest his cheek on the shoulders of his boy, no man. _His man_. He is starting to forget that people in the field behind them will start glancing and whispering soon. Youngjae’s startled smile is worth it all.

“Please continue,” Jaebum says with a cheeky glimpse in his eye. Youngjae beams and Jaebum beams back like the sun reflecting onto the surface of the moon so it can shine nearly as bright. The sun is so generous, Jaebum thinks. Jackson reacts the loudest and the most physically. He shakes his shoulders and makes an enthusiastic whiny sound. Yugyeom pats him on the back as he chuckles. Jinyoung and Mark poke each other’s sides with their elbows and smile subtly. BamBam pats Jackson’s thigh with an eye on the couple in front of them.

“If you turn around you’ll get the feeling of what having an audience is like,” BamBam comments with a tinge of worry that clings through the joking statement like hitting a wine glass with a teaspoon. Curiosity is a strong trait in Choi Youngjae so he peeks out into the grass where groups of people are looking up at them, not too many, but enough that it is noticeable. Jaebum clenches Youngjae’s hand.

“We could have chosen a subtler place to sit,” Jinyoung comments.

“Not that I’m not that down with how warm this spring is getting but I could do without the eyes. Wanna go inside?” Everyone nods at Jaebum’s suggestion and they pack up their lunches. If Jaebum had never put on that leather jacket, maybe this situation would have been a lot easier for all of them.

They find an empty classroom in which they allow themselves complete comfort. It becomes a place where Jaebum kisses the nape of Youngjae’s neck sweetly and their friends start to get used to the couply things they do. It becomes a place where a sense of normality is restored and acceptance dominates. It also becomes a place where Youngjae realises just how cute Jaebum’s nose is and the comment becomes a whole inspection lead by Youngjae and Jackson, the curious best friends with an interest in more or less everything. Jaebum does some of his embarrassed yelling and Youngjae laughs his deep, dumbfounded laugh that makes all the adoring eyes turn to him.

“Aren’t you adorable? Isn’t he, Jaebum?” Jackson is having the time of his life being the supportive best friend as he throws himself at every chance he gets to make them compliment or touch each other.

Jaebum nods. “The most adorable fucker I’ve ever set my eyes on.” Que the famous blushing and a firm kiss to confirm the passion in his statement. “I love you.” Eye smile, Youngjae’s favourite.

“Love you too,” Youngjae mutters shyly. He loves this; standing in front of people in Jaebum’s arms but he still gets shy from the eyes that stare so intensely at them.

Rehearsing is a fun affair and it lifts everyone’s expectations for Friday’s performance. They run around in the grass and they work out the technicalities of possible surprise-toilet needs. During a break, Youngjae sits at the edge of the stage with Hana next to him. His friends are all in the grass in front of them where the audience will be once the tribune is set up.

“Jaebum is so beautiful.” At this moment Jaebum looks over at Youngjae from where he stands with BamBam in a headlock screaming. He smiles sweetly and Hana is able to spot the difference.

“I don’t want to be rude or anything in case I’m wrong… Is something going on between you?” Youngjae smiles reassuringly.

“You can ask, that’s okay. We haven’t told anyone but our friends there so please don’t spread it around. Jaebum needs some time, I think. I don’t know but I don’t think he knows either.” Hana giggles and puts a hand on Youngjae’s shoulder.

“I’m so happy to hear that.” She pulls him into a hug and Youngjae feels the selflessness in her statement. Hana is arguably even more angelic than he is. It is not long before Jaebum’s jealousy radar detects the hugging and he comes jogging with neediness.

“Youngjae,” Jaebum calls as he reaches his arms up to rest them in Youngjae’s lap. “You alright?” Youngjae nods and hums at the question asked with no other motive than attention.

“We were just talking about you.” Trying not to react to a comment like that is difficult. Jaebum smiles proudly and it hides just about none of the things he is feeling.

“You’re very cute,” Hana giggles. Jaebum asks his question with a quick look at Youngjae.

“She knows. She figured it out herself.” He shies away a little bit but meets her gaze soon. The acceptance is overwhelming to Jaebum who tugs at Youngjae’s hand for support.

“Well done. I can’t imagine it was difficult though,” he jokes nervously before they are called back to rehearsal again.

The bent pack of cigarettes in Jaebum’s pocket is emptied on his way home. One, there was one left. “To new beginnings,” he mumbles as he throws away his brand-new lighter with it. He smokes the last one with satisfaction and a sense of closure. All will end well, he reassures himself with Youngjae in mind.


	24. Valuable Visuals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little different because I tried something kinda new this time and because I had a sudden allergy attack last week that has affected my eyes a lot so this whole chapter is written in short bits because I've been having a hard time focusing with my eyes this problematic :))) Allergies and exams are not making life easy right now. I wonder how I can keep up but I keep delivering, good or bad as it may be. I hope this is not a total disaster xx

**Day 48 Tuesday**

It takes Jackson a moment to realise who the three guys walking towards him are but he soon recognises the faces. “This is new,” Jackson comments on the leather jacket-less Jaebum, Mark and Jinyoung in front of him. “Youngjae’s gonna fall backwards.” He can see Jaebum’s anticipation. He looks like a whole new person in the light-coloured t-shirt and the bucket hat that BamBam will surely have something to say about once he sees it.

“Jackson, you did it! Miss Kwon is making you angel number two.” Youngjae comes running like angel number two is the main character. His legs start to stagger from the hurry he is in. He stops out of breath in the middle of the group to grab Jackson by his shoulders.

“I’ll practice my best angelic smile,” Jackson chuckles. “But I think you should look behind you now.” It is a wonder how Jackson can predict Youngjae’s reaction to anything. Youngjae takes a step backwards so his back collides with Jackson’s front.

“Oh my god, that was about time. I was melting just looking at the three of you in leather jackets in this weather. BamBam’s gonna comment on that hat though.” Jackson agrees with his friend with his arms crossed.

“I should get going again but we’ll meet for lunch?” Youngjae asks them. His boyfriend answers with a kiss too swift for anyone passing by to notice it.

BamBam has a few comments about the hat at lunch. “Usually tacky, but it works,” he concludes with a firm nod. The wind has been picking up today so people are gathered in the canteen for lunch when newly bucket hat wearing Jaebum walks inside with his crew. The leather jacket was a statement of some sort so losing it becomes one too. The eyes make Jaebum look over his shoulder for some support that comes running. Jinyoung puts his arm around Jaebum’s shoulder and BamBam goes on the other side of him with his silver hair shining under the institutional neon light like a crown on top of his head. Jaebum in the bucket hat looks a little less luxurious but that is kind of the point. Youngjae and Yugyeom walk right behind them with their eyes pierced anxiously to the backs of their friends and their arms linked. If they look to the side they might catch a pair of curious eyes and they would rather do without that. Jackson and Mark at the back are very consciously ignoring the stares as Jackson is majestically explaining the importance of his role as angel number two and Mark shakes his head in amusement at the end of every sentence.

“Guys, over here,” Jimin yells merrily from a few tables down. “We saved this long table for the team if you want to join us.” Like the backups they needed, Jimin and the rest of their team come to the rescue. They all take a seat in between the friendly faces. There is no way they don’t know. Everyone knows because people talk at this school. Rumours spread like wildfire like they did when this started. Youngjae has gotten used to the looks as the time has passed. The hype died down after a week or so but this is bigger than any of that old news. This is something that will change the dynamics of the hierarchy. It is not because what Jaebum is doing is, well, gay but because what he is doing is distancing himself from his position at the top. He has actively chosen the drama nerds over the popular people. He no longer sits where he knows everyone can see him so he can laugh nonchalantly with his friends and pretend that the girls are not staring. He no longer greets the jocks with a cool bro-shake but with a smile that is only returned by the few of them that seem to have more to their personality than loving football.

“Thank you,” Jaebum says to Jimin and her expression grows even warmer.

“No problem, bucket hat, we’re all good friends here.”

On Jaebum’s left side sits Hyukjin, the guy who plays a human that Phenex and Samael both try to win over to their side. He chats with him about the team possibly going on a trip together once the school year is over. Meanwhile, Youngjae is sitting on his right and is chatting to Mark, Yugyeom and a few others while he feels Jaebum’s hand slip from his own lap onto Youngjae’s thigh and settles on his inner thigh at an innocent spot. Youngjae can feel him relax next to him once his hand has found its place. It is a noteworthy relaxation, however, because he becomes just as anxious as he becomes relaxed. Youngjae picks up on this instantly and massages Jaebum’s arm softly with his thumb. His magic seems to work on Jaebum very quickly.

It is surprisingly comfortable to sit in the middle of the canteen in their tight bubble full of talk and laughter. The stares attempt to break through the bubble but they can’t and eventually give up only to keep glancing over there now and again. This has gone just how Jaebum has hoped. No one is disturbing his peace and quiet. He is still trying his hardest and it is making him tired. He does not have any energy left for meaningless hatred. His hand is so comfortable on Youngjae’s thigh.

Youngjae turns his head to Jaebum once conversation lands on his hat. “It’s really cute but I don’t like that your eyes are hiding under there. Your power is in those eyes.” Youngjae takes the liberty of lifting his hat slightly and even though the two see nothing but each other, the whole table is looking at them with awe and a few eyes from elsewhere in the room are filled with envy. “That’s better,” Youngjae mutters softly at Jaebum’s _adonic_ smile.

“I should get you one too.” Youngjae’s eyes light up with excitement. Matching hats; he likes the sound of that and because it was Jaebum’s suggestion, he wants it even more.

“Yay, fun!”

Miss Kwon has surprising plans for today. Considering that their show is this Friday, it seems out of her character to choose today, three days before it is showtime, to sit them down in a corner of the canteen because she has surprise schedule for them today.

“I want today to be a breather. I’m gonna make you relax, talk and take a few pictures together. We’ve had an amazing Jaemin on the job as the photographer.” Jaemin beams. “I think it would be lovely to have you guys take a few together as well. Today, we relax because we all need that whether we are stressing over the play or other things, it will be important to clear out our minds before the play.”

“So, we just sit here and chill?” BamBam asks sceptically. Miss Kwon nods with her spacy smile that no one can read but everyone loves.

Youngjae sits with Jaebum on one side and Mark on the other. He falls into conversation with Mark, something they have not done a lot of just the two of them. He has grown fond of Mark and his friendship. He has been wishing for a moment like this to have a casual conversation with him. They talk about Youngjae and about his past. “I was always a cheerful person but I wasn’t happy all the time. It was like people didn’t understand that when I needed them to the most,” Youngjae shares with the nodding Mark. “Of course, it didn’t take Jackson long before he figured it out. Once he did, he didn’t let it go until he had gotten to the bottom of my sadness. That’s what he told me every day until I cracked and told BamBam, Yugyeom and him that I’m gay.” Mark smiles contently.

“Jackson’s very attentive, more towards you than anyone else. He will drop anything to make sure you’re alright.”

“I’d do the same for him. He’s my best friend.”

“To tell you the truth, I think a lot of us would go far to make sure you’re okay. You’ve become a ray of sunshine to us.” Mark chuckles without restriction and Youngjae finds it a shame that he doesn’t smile more often.

“Wanna take a selfie just to please Miss Kwon?” Youngjae takes out his phone as Mark nods.

“If only she was our teacher. We’d get straight A’s in her classes,” Mark jokes just before they pose for the picture with smiles remaining from the last comment.

(A/N: It was hard finding all these pictures that were right hair, clothes and accessory-wise so bear with the slight incorrectness.)

“I think you’re wanted,” Mark mutters and looks over Youngjae’s head with an amused smirk that can only mean one thing; Jaebum is getting impatient. Youngjae turns around with the ends of his mouth just hinting upwards.

“What’s cooking, Jaebummie?” Jaebum instantly plants his forehead on the table. His body moves up and down as each little chuckle is followed by the next.

“What’s cooking? Really, Youngjae?” Youngjae nods but he is hardly able to contain his laughter. “You’re an idiot.”

“Right back at you,” Youngjae playfully replies and his grin makes Jaebum want to kill him in the most innocent meaning of the word. Youngjae doesn’t realise what Jaebum is up to before he is squirming, laughing and yelling at Jaebum to stop under the tickling grip of Jaebum’s hands. “Stop,” he squeals. “I can’t breathe.” Jaebum stops and Youngjae whimpers at the attack. His eyes are asking Jaebum why he would do that so Jaebum wraps his arms around Youngjae and mutters a “sorry” with his head against Youngjae’s chest. Youngjae puts a hand on Jaebum’s cheek and leans his on top of Jaebum’s head. Jackson puts his head on Jinyoung’s shoulder in awe and Jinyoung’s deep voice creates a light chuckle as he swiftly pats Jackson’s head.

“How cute,” Jackson comments.

Soon Miss Kwon hands the group a million colours of pencils and a stack of paper. It takes half a minute before everyone is sitting with a piece of paper, deep in thought or instantly working lines down on the paper. Miss Kwon takes a few pictures of the group who sit at different tables for more room. Jaebum and Youngjae sit up against a wall at a table with their friends when Miss Kwon comes to ask for a picture of her angel and her demon. It is not a conscious move when Youngjae tilts his body slightly in the direction of Jaebum who has his hands planted in his lap with a relaxed smile on his face.

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/86259346@N05/28513941468/in/album-72157691884566130/)

Jaebum shyly leans behind Youngjae once the camera has said its obligatory click. “Jaebum,” Youngjae softly calls with a hand reaching behind him. “Come out,” he giggles.

“Hasn’t he already?” Jinyoung asks with a teasing smirk. Jaebum sits up instantly and glares at his old friend. They all stifle their laughter and Jaebum sits up straight.

“For your information, I’m not gay. I just made an exception.” Youngjae uses the sleeve of his hoodie to slap Jaebum’s arm with. “Hey, just because you’re the exception, it doesn’t mean I won’t tickle you any day.” Youngjae slides away as quick as he can and bows his head swiftly and apologetically. Jaebum pulls him back into an adoring hug.

“What are you guys drawing?” Yugyeom asks with his head buried in the paper and working the pencil with much concentration.

“I’m drawing the damn faces I look up at every day from my freaking box,” Jinyoung says mid-struggle of getting Jaebum’s hair just right.

"Cabin fever?" Jaebum asks in amusement with his hands resting on the back of his head. Jinyoung glares shortly at Jaebum but otherwise ignores his remark.

“I’m drawing Youngjae the way he looked back when we met,” Jackson shares with a smile on his face. BamBam, who has not gotten to actually draw anything yet decides to draw Yugyeom on that same wonderful day.

“I’m drawing what love looks like.” This is what Youngjae says. It raises a few questions that he gladly answers. “Abstract art, thank you very much.” Jaebum chuckles.

They talk and draw until Jinyoung pulls his phone out suggesting a group photo; something they have never done before. _There is a first for everything_ , Youngjae thinks as he gladly jumps up front next to Jinyoung. They all gather around and Mark quickly swoops in behind Youngjae with a big smile on his face before Jackson can make it. As Jinyoung takes the picture Jackson makes a shocked face at the camera.

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/86259346@N05/41715039635/in/album-72157691884566130/)

He does his hand on the chest ‘that offended me’ move. Mark laughs his amazingly contagious laugh and Jackson cracks up too as Mark pulls him in for a hug. There is a definite laid-back atmosphere in the room and now it makes sense what Miss Kwon was trying to get them to do. She has created a safe space these past weeks but what they now all get to feel is that the safe space is wherever the others are. They have all created the space together.

“Youngjae?” Jaebum whispers into the back of Youngjae’s head as he throws his arms around him. “Can I take you to my place when we’re done?” Youngjae does a swift turn so he can check if Jaebum is serious. He has been very closed about his family life, for obvious reasons, so every step is a big one for the slowly coping boyfriend.

“Okay, sure. I don’t have any plans.”

Jaebum lives in a very tall building but Youngjae assumes he doesn’t live very far up as he follows Jaebum to the stairs.

7th floor is a long way up for someone who lives in a house and spends most of his day not exercising and questioning his best friend and now his boyfriend too, why they bother. When Jaebum stops in front of his door he finds Youngjae out of breath next to him. “Just a moment,” he pants as he sits down on the steps going up to the next floor. Jaebum smirks and sits down next to him. He watches Youngjae regain his breath like he is a work of art that he keeps finding new beautiful details about every time he looks back.

“Hey, Youngjae?” The work of art turns towards the admirer and the admirer leans in to kiss what he adores. He puts a hand on the back of the shocked artwork’s neck. The artwork becomes the receiver and he thoroughly enjoys it as he slides a hand discreetly across the other’s thigh. His touch might be light as a feather but the effect is heavy as stone. They kiss until Youngjae is out of breath again, this time Jaebum with him. Jaebum stands and extends his hand to help Youngjae up too. They get back to the door where Jaebum fiddles around in his pocket nervously. He grabs his keys and the click of the door hits them with the reality of the situation.

When Youngjae steps inside he is met with a homey smell. It smells like Jaebum but with a little less cologne. There is instantly a smile on Youngjae’s face as he tries to define the smell with words. Warm, kind of like tea, natural, is what he comes up with and keeps to himself.

“Mum, I’m home. I brought someone with me.” They hear shuffling footsteps and then a warm face that comes to greet Youngjae with a welcoming smile she bows at Youngjae who is already at a 90-degree angle. “This is Youngjae since you’ve asked to meet him so many times.” Youngjae has never seen a face light up that brightly at the sound of his name before.

“What a beautiful boy. It is such a pleasure to meet you finally. Are you hungry?” Youngjae is flustered by the flatter of his boyfriend’s mother, whose knowledge of the situation Youngjae is clueless how far goes. “Please, make yourself feel at home here.”

“Thank you, thank you. I didn’t know I was this talked of around here,” Youngjae shyly conversates with a glance up at Jaebum next to him. His mother smiles so brightly at Youngjae that he could go blind if he hadn’t been the just as bright Youngjae who always smiles back.

“I should be the one thanking you. You put the spark back into my boy’s eyes. I can never repay you enough,” she humbly speaks with her head down with respect and gratitude. Youngjae has never had a person bow with this much respect for him ever. No one has ever been this thankful towards him, especially not an adult. It becomes immensely clear just how bad of a case Jaebum was and just how hard this incident has been on the two remaining members of the family. Youngjae grabs Jaebum’s hand and looks at him with sorry eyes before going back into a bow.

“I wish only the best for both of you. If anything I have done has helped I am greatly honoured to have been able to do so.” Youngjae stands straight again and not long after, Jaebum’s mother puts her hands on Youngjae’s cheeks and smiles.

“What a lovely and kind boy you are.” She lets her hands drop to her sides and pulls Jaebum in for a soft kiss on the cheek. “You’re so busy these days. I miss having you around.”

“I’ll have more time soon. We can go out and have dinner one of these days.” Jaebum’s voice is different when he speaks to his mother. It is much softer, calmer and so adoring and appreciating that Youngjae falls into a trance with his eyes on the face that he loves.

“Okay then, I’ll make you dinner now. You should show Youngjae around.”

“We can help,” Youngjae offers kindly and she shakes her head warmly. She shoos them off further into the house before disappearing into the kitchen.

The more of Jaebum’s home Youngjae sees, the more he feels the love that has gone into this place. It is almost heart wrenching how much his mother has tried to make it a safe and happy place for the both of them. Just like Youngjae ended his tour, Jaebum stops in front of the door to his room and opens it slowly and dramatically.

Inside the small room is the usual setup: Bed, desk, wardrobe and a few other extras to give the room exactly what Jaebum wants it to have. There is a corner of his room next to his desk that is full of musical gear and a notebook on top of the electric piano. Maybe the songs Jaebum told him about are in there and maybe Jaebum will sing them to him if he is lucky.

“I’ve been a very private man for a long time. The only people who really come in here are my mum, Mark and Jinyoung.” This is a step for Jaebum as much as all the other little things have been and as silly as it would seem to others, Youngjae is proud of Jaebum for doing all these things without even being gently pushed by Youngjae’s strong will and curiosity.

“It’s so cosy in here. Your bed looks soft and you have photos and posters on your walls. I love the desk slash musical corner over there. It’s very you; a little messy but quite overwhelmingly charming.” Youngjae puts his palms on Jaebum’s chest as he moves closer to him.

“Charming?” Jaebum cocks his head to the side in wonder as Youngjae comes close enough for his arms to meet on the other side of him. Youngjae elongates a hum and Jaebum sighs at how sexy it sounds almost like he felt the vibrations soaring through Youngjae’s neck.

“You’re very charming.” Youngjae slides one hand up to Jaebum’s jaw and cups his face cutely before he kisses Jaebum with support and love and possibly a dash of lust that they have accidentally sparked up. It almost gets out of hand when Youngjae’s hand starts pulling at Jaebum’s shirt but he stops himself and steps away from the man he just wants to get alone for a night. Jaebum steps closer and plants a lazy kiss on Youngjae’s forehead.

“I’m dying.” Jaebum sighs heavily and Youngjae knows exactly what he means by that. “Will you stay the night?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was short and weird - hope you liked it ;)


	25. Beginning Boners

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got an A in Biology. Thank you so much for the sweet and understanding comments on the update <3 and thank god for my cousin who studies biology at uni. Life's good and I'm ready to celebrate with yall through this chapter of SAFA. It is gonna be lit, hella fluffy and possibly a little surprising. Prepare the tissues, and don't judge that statement based on the title of this chapter, oh dear me :)))

Jaebum’s mother is eager and full of questions and stories once they sit down for dinner. “I have to ask, Jaebum hasn’t told me yet but I think I know.” Her expression screams joyous curiosity. “Are you together?” Youngjae looks to Jaebum and doesn’t allow himself to smile nor breathe before Jaebum does so first.

“Yes, mum, we are,” Jaebum admits calmly.

“I thought so. It seemed like it when I saw you standing in the hallway like deer in a headlight. I don’t know if Jaebum has told you that he spent a long afternoon telling me about you and how you’ve changed his life completely. He rambled on for a long time and I don’t know if he meant to, but he told me that he loves you so much about ten times.” Youngjae laughs his loud, radiant laugh and the last piece of the puzzle seems to find its place for Jaebum’s mother. There is a lot of what Jaebum needs right there in the blithe boy next to him. Jaebum’s smile has not been this bright since his father was alive. Jaebum spots a light in his mother’s eyes that has not been this bright since his father was alive.

“Thanks, mum, really living the embarrassing your son life that you always wanted.” The embarrassments do not end here for Jaebum. Once the table is cleared Youngjae gets to sit and flick through an old album that has the title ‘Im Jaebum 0-10 years old’. Every time Youngjae turns a page Jaebum makes uncomfortable sounds and grabs Youngjae’s arm desperately.

“This is adorable. You were so chubby.” Youngjae points to a picture of 1-year-old Jaebum smiling at the camera with his baby fat still going strong. Later in the book, a very familiar boy seems to pop up next to Jaebum in several of the photos. “Oh wow, is that Jinyoung with ice cream all over his face?” Jaebum nods. “Loving it. Can’t wait to talk about this tomorrow.”

“You better not,” Jaebum threatens with a pleasant smile and a kiss on the cheek. The hit of his threats gets weaker and weaker as his tone of voice gets softer and softer. Youngjae can only say that he is thoroughly enjoying this change.

The highlight of the album is Jaebum at four, naked in sunglasses and a cape. “Tell me who you’re trying to channel with this outfit,” Youngjae teases and Jaebum turns the page as he glares at his boyfriend who is thrilled over how much this is annoying Jaebum and how high-key adorable Jaebum looks as a baby.

As Jaebum and his mother start to notice how the time between each of Youngjae’s yawns get shorter, Jaebum suggests they go to bed. Youngjae nods his head heavily with his eyes half closed. He gets a kiss on the cheek goodnight by Jaebum’s mother and he smiles a tired smile at her and thanks her for the hospitality and the lovely meal.

Youngjae gets to borrow some of Jaebum’s clothes to sleep in and on their way to brush their teeth Jaebum catches Youngjae sniffing the shirt he is wearing and calls out the flustered culprit. “You smell good, okay?” he grumbles and sticks the toothbrush into his mouth. They had a new one lying around so Youngjae has already gotten his own toothbrush in Jaebum’s home.

Once they finish brushing their teeth Youngjae is already halfway into Jaebum’s bed and when Jaebum enters the room, Youngjae is cuddled into the sheets as deep as he can get. Youngjae senses a bit of hesitation with Jaebum as he stands in front of the bed. “I don’t bite,” Youngjae says with a sensitivity to his usually carefree voice that draws Jaebum closer until his nose is brushing against Youngjae’s. Being careful is key now and they both are, especially with their hands. Youngjae is the one that initiates contact by letting his arm reach around Jaebum’s back where it casually stays. His thumb draws circles in Jaebum’s back that calm him immensely.

“Thank you,” Jaebum whispers as he lets his fingers feel their way up Youngjae’s arm and all the way around him. He tangles his fingers into Youngjae’s hair and puts his other hand between the pillow and Youngjae’s cheek. “Pretty thing,” he whispers with a lazy smile that is not allowed anywhere else but in a mild yet powerful moment like this. Jaebum tries to swallow the lump in his throat but it is forgotten as soon as Youngjae plants a careful kiss on his lips.

When they kiss it starts off incredibly light; their lips barely touch and yet they still feel the newness they have felt with their previous kisses, in fact, this is a lot like their first one. The one that wasn’t really a kiss but a gesture of understanding. Jaebum shuffles a little closer and it deepens the kiss naturally. Closeness is measured a lot differently in bed, they find when Youngjae slips his leg over both of Jaebum’s. They have been close enough to feel each other’s beginning boners and yet it feels so much more intimate to lie opposite each other like this. It heightens every little touch, their kiss especially. When they manage to get their lips off the other’s, they find themselves staring.

“It feels right,” Jaebum says more for his own sake than anything else. This conclusion pleases Youngjae very much and he smiles affectionately at Jaebum. “You feel right… To me, with me,” he continues softly and nods as if to convince himself that it is so. “Sorry, I just think I need to say it out loud sometimes.”

“I don’t mind. You feel right to me too,” Youngjae consoles the shyness away slightly so Jaebum can breathe better. He thankfully nuzzles his head into Youngjae’s chest and he chuckles warmly so Jaebum can feel the vibrations.

“You’ve managed to make me feel safe and that is not an easy thing to do,” Jaebum mumbles into Youngjae’s chest and it speaks to his heart, as silly as it sounds. He holds onto Jaebum a little tighter and lets a tiny tear slip out of his eye and onto the pillow. His smile is glowing in the dark bedroom but he keeps it to himself because Jaebum has closed his eyes and is feeling  _safe_. He is fine with that being the closing statement for tonight so he shuts his eyes and drifts off into a peaceful sleep.

**Day 49 Wednesday**

Jaebum’s alarm is about the most uncomfortable Youngjae can possibly imagine waking up to. It roars in his ears and wakes them both up in an instant. Jaebum casually reaches for his phone and puts it on snooze. “We can sleep for ten more minutes, it’s cool,” he mutters with his head back against Youngjae’s chest. Youngjae kisses the top of Jaebum’s head as he allows himself to fall back into his slumber. He gets just as surprised by the loud noise the second time but this one actually forces him to get up as Jaebum sits up on the edge of his bed and turns it off. They both sit for about half a minute as they yawn and stretch. Jaebum chuckles as he turns around to find sleepy Youngjae sitting up against the wall tangled in Jaebum’s duvet.

“We could just skip today,” Youngjae mumbles to which Jaebum pulls at his arm. Unwillingly, Youngjae follows him to his wardrobe where he shuffles through some clothes that Youngjae doesn’t pay attention to. However, he is forced to when Jaebum offers him what seems to be a t-shirt.

“Borrow this.” Youngjae recognises the t-shirt. He has been wearing that in the time they have been friends. He is aware that he might be one to pay a little more attention to what Jaebum is wearing than others but he can’t be the only one who is going to recognise this t-shirt, if not as Jaebum’s then as certainly not Youngjae’s, and after that the options are limited. It is better than wearing the same clothes two days in a row so he puts it on without protesting and enjoys how much Jaebum’s scent is surrounding him.

They do notice, their friends. “Is that Jaebum’s shirt on your body?” Jackson whispers in class as he glances from Jaebum just in front of them to Youngjae beside him. Youngjae nods silently with his eyes glued to the teacher, well, not really, more the back of Jaebum’s head but it’s not like anyone in the classroom can tell. “Oh my god. Did you stay over at his place?” Jackson puts the pieces together quickly. It is not hard for him to do once he thinks back to Youngjae entering the classroom looking possibly the cheeriest he has ever been. Not to mention Jaebum right behind him with the same kind of smile. “What’d you do?” His smile is anything but innocent and it suggests things that Youngjae doesn’t want to either deny or confirm in the middle of class.

“Jackson,” he snaps in a whisper at the impatient Jackson who is nagging him with words and looks in the middle of class while he is trying his hardest not to get distracted. Their teacher catches the whispering and looks around for the culprit but Jackson and Youngjae are masters at pretending they are being completely silent when they are certainly a pair of the most talkative youngster this school has ever seen. They know the searching look on all their teachers’ faces and, somehow, they manage to slip under the radar and even get fairly good grades. They are both excellent students in the sense that they are always on time, they do their homework and they participate in class (when they aren’t gossiping about Youngjae sleeping over at Jaebum’s place).

No one doubts that Mark has figured it out too. By the time Jackson got it, Mark had already known for a while. To be fair, however, Mark has seen that shirt on Jaebum many times being as close of a friend to him as he is.

“Did you have sex?” Jackson continues and Youngjae smacks his pencil into the table with enough force that Jackson notices the meaning of this action but no one else makes much of it. Youngjae turns his head with his eyebrows raised.

“Not now,” Youngjae hisses. His eyes return to the back of Jaebum’s head that is full of the softest black hair. He feels so cheesy and, to be honest, rather tacky daydreaming about running his hands through it like he did last night. It was so calm in his room like the whole world stood still as they stared into each other’s eyes for god knows how long. When Youngjae feels the pressure of his desk against his tummy, he realises he has been leaning gallantly forward in his chair and tries to save it by resting his chin in the palms of his hands. Jackson doesn’t buy it in a million years and gives Youngjae a subtle slap on the thigh.

Their lips are coated with a glossy lair of their mixed saliva when they pull away from each other. Despite trying to regain a bit of steady breathing, Jaebum leans in for one more highly sensual kiss that ends up being more of a lick on Youngjae’s lips. They look sexy when they have swollen from the rough impact of lips and teeth and tongue. “You look fucking nice like this,” Jaebum pants with a smirk that has enough audacity to make Youngjae groan in frustration and hide in the crook of Jaebum’s neck that feels soft and smells sweet. It is only a matter of time before bloodhound Jackson and company track them down to their hiding place and pull them out of their alternative universe that they desire to stay in but know they cannot.

Youngjae feels his sexual frustration get worse every time there is just a tad of intensity is added to their kisses. This might be an appropriate time to mention that, as many just having known Youngjae for a few minutes will bet on, has never been a guy for one-night stands. He has tried a couple of times but would always end up frantically gathering the clothes he had pretend-casually dropped on the floor while apologising about a thousand times because something in him shuts down in those situations. Youngjae is an emotional guy. He likes to be in sync with his thoughts and feelings and he much prefers love to be a part of sex rather than just lust, as much as he wishes he could think differently. His interpretation of sex being an intimate thing gets ruined by reckless one-night stands and Youngjae is never one to fuck with the status of intimacy, much less love. Jaebum, as Youngjae knows, is different on this matter. As silly as it may come off, it may be the point where they differ the most. The worry builds up on Youngjae’s mind for each time Jaebum gives off a vibe of having done this more than him. Will Youngjae be able to compare to those countless girls? Is he just going to be _another fuck_? Or maybe he will simply not compare because of the fact that he _isn’t_ _a_ _girl_? Is Jaebum going to back out? Will all of Youngjae’s own emotional expectations ever be able to be lived up to with the kind of sex that Jaebum has in mind when he looks at Youngjae in _that_ way? Youngjae worries a lot. His positive mind tries to reason with his uncontrollable feelings and constantly reminds him of the words “I love you,” and they nag him bitterly.

They are sitting on opposite tables and talking when Jackson opens the door to the classroom and starts loudly asking questions about why they ran off and how hurt he is. “I have a lot to talk about with you, Youngjae, you can’t just leave me with all these questions.” He sits down on the table next to Youngjae and his expression changes. The others gather around with the same interested expressions.

“Sooooo, what happened last night?” Jackson asks about to burst with excitement. Jaebum and Youngjae remain very calm as Jaebum nods at Youngjae to pass the explaining to him.

“I met Jaebum’s mother. She’s very sweet and she showed me an album full of pictures of Jaebum as a kid.” Jinyoung’s expression changes with good reason as Youngjae makes suspicious eye contact. “And there were quite a few of Jinyoung too. There was a really cute one where their faces were covered in ice cream with big smiles. Then we slept and now we’re at school.” Despite Jackson finding the picture part adorable, he still looks confused by the end.

“You didn’t fuck?”

“Why do you expect that the second I get into Jaebum’s bed, it’s to have sex? His mum was home.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s right... You’re loud,” Jackson says with a face that says he knows that fact all too well. It is no usual blush on Youngjae’s cheeks, it is his whole face exploding with embarrassment and he hides in Jackson’s shoulder frantically.

“Jackson Wang,” he whines. Jackson feels a little bad and puts a comforting hand on his friend’s shoulder but there is also something greatly funny about how a slight blush is forming on Jaebum’s cheeks as well. Jinyoung and Mark have noticed too and are both grinning at him.

“It’s true though,” Yugyeom follows up like the little devil he tends to turn out to be. “We’ve been the victims of having to sit in the next room and pretend that we couldn’t hear a thing.”

“I hate all of you, traitors.” Youngjae lifts his head just enough to glare at Yugyeom, BamBam and Jackson. BamBam is smirking like never before and Youngjae knows he is about to make this even worse. “Don’t you dare speak, BamBam.”

“But I just wanted to say that post-sex Youngjae is the cutest. It’s like the most adorable mess you’ll ever see and you always know when Youngjae’s had sex because his smile is all lazy and his eyes are a little dazed.”

“Enough about my sex life, please,” Youngjae begs and Jackson makes him sit up straight. His eyes meet Jaebum’s and immediately shy away. All this sex talk is not just embarrassing, it is frightening him. He pretends to go back into hiding in Jackson’s shoulder to save the tears in his eyes from being discovered. He knows that if Jackson feels the wetness on his shoulder, he won’t say a word. He has a sixth sense for the serious things and Youngjae appreciates that a lot. A firm squeeze on his arm confirms that he knows. Youngjae sits back up once he has managed to pull the tears back but there is an unavoidable lump stirring in his throat. It will not leave, as much as he wants it to.

It fades during next period and he has almost forgotten about his worries at the rehearsal when Jackson sends him worried looks that make it all boil up again. He uses the worry to strengthen his performance because he gets to cry and not be questioned about it.

Jaebum gets his share of worry too when the newly set up tribune now has a top corner occupied by seven students who are indicating bad intent with their talking and laughing amongst themselves while they watch the performance. Jaebum tries to ignore what he feels like he is the only one who sees because soon he will be performing in front of a full crowd and he has to be able to ignore them too whether they are positive or negative. It is not before the break that they become an active problem.

“Did you see them too?” Jaebum asks Youngjae from the spot where they have been dismissed on stage. Youngjae nods with a frown. “I don’t know what they want but they aren’t here for moral support that’s for sure.”

“Let’s just pretend they’re not here,” Youngjae comforts and offers Jaebum a hand as he gestures towards their friends in the grass between the tribune and the stage. He makes sure to note where Mr Song and Miss Kwon are because they seem to be stirring on the tribune. _Ignore, ignore, ignore._

“Fencing, I’m good at that, but I’ve never done dancing,” Jackson answers a question. “I do throw it down mean on the dancefloor, though.” Jackson starts body rolling and Yugyeom laughs. “Yugyeom’s good though. He’s a pro.” Jackson, the hype man back at it again.

“I was forced into learning ballroom dancing when I was 13 because my sister wanted to learn it. I’m good at the simple stuff.” Jaebum laughs out loud.

“Oh my god. Show us.”

“Okay, but then you have to volunteer to be my partner.” Jaebum gets ready, fully set on seeing Youngjae dancing as he tries to forget the eyes that burn holes through them from above. “And I have to lead,” Youngjae corrects and moves Jaebum’s outstretched arm.

“Oh, shit’s about to go down,” BamBam calls out and he has no idea how true that statement is. They start dancing and Jaebum, who has no idea what he is doing, stumbles over his own legs every second step while Youngjae pulls him around with a grin.

“Hey boys.” Smiles down. Arms down. Freeze. “You look like you’re having a good time at these things.” Miss No-name has made her entrances with her entourage right behind her and Mr football right next to her.

“Right up until you showed your face here, we did,” BamBam mutters loud enough for her to hear and she scoffs but otherwise ignoring the comment. BamBam imitates the scoff to Yugyeom who is throwing an arm around BamBam to back him up and to be closer to him because it is these kinds of situations that scare him to death. They make their way over to Jaebum and Youngjae to stand by them as Mark, Jinyoung and Jackson do too. Tension grows thicker and no one can predict what is about to happen. There are a lot of the crew members' eyes on them now.

“We heard you turned faggot, Jaebum,” the boy takes over and No-name cocks her head to the side like she is entitled to know everything that goes on in Jaebum’s life.

“So what if I have? And don’t fucking call it that,” Jaebum defends as he feels his anger getting worked up simply by the way they look at him like they are king and queen of the world and Jaebum has committed a deadly sin. His knuckles are white at this point and he is fuming.

“So what if you have?” She chuckles mockingly. “You’re putting your status in danger.” How can she talk about it like it has such a great importance? Jaebum is about to snap in half.

“I don’t give a flying fuck about my status. I care about being left alone by nosy snobs like you.”

“What’d you call us?” The boy takes a step forward and Jinyoung and Mark know it is too late now. The demon has been activated and there is a wildfire in its eyes.

“I called you a fucking nosy snob but you’re worse than that, aren’t you? You’ve got the biggest fucking inferior complex I’ve ever encountered and that’s for the little missy over there who has been following me around since I put on that stupid leather jacket. Get over yourselves.” The boy takes another step forward.

“Don’t you fucking dare.” He grabs Jaebum’s shirt to which Jinyoung and Mark react by reaching out for Jaebum’s arms but it’s too late. Jaebum is yelling at there is a fist to the guy’s jaw.

“Leave me the fuck alone,” Jaebum spits as Jinyoung and Mark grab a hold of him. The other guy puts a nursing hand up to his jaw before he charges for a hit and no one knows what to do with Jaebum withering in his friends' grips.

“What in the world is going on?” Someone must have called for Miss Kwon. She gets in the middle of the scene and turns to the intruders. “What is your business here?”

“We just wanted to talk to Jaebum, Miss.”

“Bullshit,” Jackson defends his friend without caring that his teacher is right there.

“Jackson,” she says with a kind sternness that the intruders don’t get. “I don’t believe you are either cast members or friends of, so you shouldn’t be here at all. Don’t go causing trouble around here. We are trying to work. Mr Song could be so kind and escort them out of here, I’m going to talk to Jaebum.” She turns around and Jaebum’s fuming face is something she has not seen before. “Jaebum, what’s going on? Why did you hit him?”

“They came here to judge me for things they don’t know shit about,” he lashes with his breathing sharp and heavy.

“Hey, you have to calm down.” Miss Kwon puts a hand on each of Jaebum’s shoulders and as they feel the resistance vanish completely, Mark and Jinyoung let go of his arms. “Jaebum, you have to try not to let them bother you so much. They might be the biggest assholes this world has ever seen, and I don’t doubt that they are.” This is why they love Miss Kwon. “But you have no reason to believe anything they say or be on board with it in any way. You’re you and the you I have seen is a million times better than them, more probably. It doesn’t matter what world they live in as long as you live in your own, live in your truth. Just look behind you. There are six people here who obviously care immensely about you, maybe especially that one,” Miss Kwon points to Youngjae who is paralysed to the spot with tears in his eyes that are about to burst over the edge.

“Youngjae,” he breathes out with heartache above anything he has felt before. He has made his angel cry. He has fucked it up. This was not supposed to happen. Miss Kwon steps away and so do the others but Jaebum still grabs Youngjae’s hand and pulls him behind the corner of the tall stage so they can speak alone. “Youngjae, I, I’m sorry.” His voice cracks as the guilt hits him even harder when Youngjae traces his jaw lightly with his fingertips while sobbing uncontrollably. If he could just rip Jaebum’s heart out of his chest and beat it to a pulp, things would be a lot easier. Youngjae is not much for that idea.

“You could have handled that a lot better, you know?” Youngjae manages to add a little smile to his words to show the love and care that Jaebum feared he had punched away with that guy. “You’re the worst but the best worst ever.” Jaebum chuckles as Youngjae wraps his arms around him.

“I’ll take that.” The tears wet the front of Jaebum’s shirt but who gives a shit when they are tears of an angel. “I’m sorry I made you cry.”

“It’s not your fault. I’m just mentally tired today.” Jaebum pulls him away from his chest.

“Why? What have you been thinking about?”

“Can we talk about it later?” Youngjae’s eyes glisten with worry and Jaebum reluctantly nods. He pulls him back into the tight hug with his arms protectively holding Youngjae’s head and lower back.

“Don’t think twice about talking to me, okay baby?” Youngjae is pretty sure his heart skips a beat in Jaebum’s frozen embrace. He almost forgets the fear as a warmth spreads through his body and he feels Jaebum’s heart start to anxiously pound faster against his rib cage like it is trying to break out of there.

“Baby,” he tastes it on his own tongue before smiling into Jaebum’s collarbone with satisfaction. “Okay, baby.”

“Good, baby.”

“Okay stop,” Youngjae giggles. “Baby.”

“So, we’re good? You’re not mad at me or sad because of me?” Youngjae shakes his head cutely and Jaebum smiles and dries the last few tears away from Youngjae’s cheeks. “Good… Baby.”

“Ah, stop.” Jaebum takes Youngjae’s hand and they walk back to the others. The whole crew must have witnessed the scene they made previously because everyone curiously stares at them when they come back.

“Miss Kwon. I’m sorry I lost control. I will take whatever punishment is given to me just please don’t throw me out.” He gives her a half-joking, half-nervous smile. She chuckles.

“Mr Song spoke to them and made sure they don’t come back during rehearsals. We’ll tell the principle that it has been handled so it won’t be picked back up. It’s up to you if you want to apologise or not. Think about it, Jaebum.” Jaebum would rather have to do a forced apology because that way he could pretend not to mean it but now he has to actively seek them out and apologise to their faces with the chance of getting nothing but harsh words in return. He knows just by glancing over at Youngjae that he is going to be doing it first thing tomorrow during lunch.

“Well, shit.”

Jackson has stolen Youngjae from Jaebum on the way home so Jaebum is sulking a few feet behind them with Mark and Yugyeom where he is half-heartedly part of a conversation about the history of BamBam’s hair as Yugyeom remembers it. Jinyoung and BamBam have gone to Jinyoung's place because one of his sisters has a stash of loose pieces of fabric that BamBam is interested in for some possible last-minute alterations.

“What’s up, otter?” Jackson brushes Youngjae’s hair out of his face with all the best friend softness he can offer. “Don’t go around worrying on your own. It scares me.” Youngjae can feel Jaebum’s jealous stare from behind them.

“I’m okay, it’s just some worries I have about Jaebum and the sex thing,” Youngjae admits with a mutter.

“Why? Are you afraid he’s gonna bail on you?”

“I’m afraid of a lot of things like not being enough for him. What if he realises he can’t do it? What if he still sees sex as meaningless and emotionless? I don’t want emotionless sex.” Jackson smiles sympathetically at his otter as he throws an arm around his shoulder.

“You know he’s just about crazy for you, right? You don’t have to worry about emotion. I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts crying.” He sticks his tongue out at the end of his teasing statement to make Youngjae’s mood lift. He manages to make Youngjae smile and then they stop in their tracks because they have to split up at the corner.

“Missed you,” Jaebum announces in a sulky voice once he catches up.

“I bet,” Jackson snickers and Jaebum glares at him. Mark chuckles behind Jaebum and pats him on the back.

“Have some fun you two,” Yugyeom teases. Youngjae looks back and Jacksons face is slightly warier.

“Enough,” Youngjae says as he and Jaebum start walking down the road to his house. Once they are alone on the quiet street, Jaebum moves his hand from Youngjae’s shoulder down to rest loosely on his hip.

“Do you know who’s home? You have quite the family compared to me,” he jokes nervously and Youngjae kisses his cheek.

“Don’t worry, they’re very calm people. I’m pretty sure my brother is at practice, he is on a running team that is trying to get members qualified for the Olympics so he barely has time to for anything these days other than running and when he isn’t he makes sure he doesn’t ruin his legs by running so much.” Jaebum nods silently.

“That’s cool.”

“It’s his dream. It’s easy to tell from the passion in his eyes when he talks about it.” Jaebum smiles at Youngjae whose dream he realises he doesn’t know.

“What’s yours?” Youngjae gets a content look on his face.

“I want to tell stories. I don’t care if it is acting, music, writing or anything really. I just want to give people things to think about and I want them to have those moments that immerse them completely and they don’t realise before the moment is over. I want to give knowledge through feelings. Does that make sense?” Jaebum nods and kisses Youngjae’s temple.

“I’m sure you’ll make it far.”

"Why?"

"Because, Youngjae, you're sincere and you're selfless and you want to share your knowledge with the world. As much as I like keeping you to myself, it would be a shame not to let the world see what you can make them see... And your smile. I would have to start really fighting for you."

"Shut up, I'd never let you go. You're the hot one."

"The hot one?" Amusement fills the air with the choice of words.

"Yeah, like you've got sex appeal. Any boy or girl would gladly spread their legs for you."

"I only wanna spread your legs though," Jaebum sticks his tongue out in amusement and pulls Youngjae closer to his side.

Youngjae shouts a hello into the house and gets a few in return. His sister comes jogging down the stairs with an anticipating smile spread across her face shamelessly. As she introduces herself, her smile only grows larger.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you properly. I’ve heard a lot about you, like a lot.” Her attempt to embarrass her brother is met with crossed arms and a tongue pointing at her. “Wow, how classy, Youngjae.” She hugs him and Jaebum gets a moment to gather his courage because he can hear steps come nearer and soon Youngjae’s parents stand in front of him and he sees that Youngjae’s smile was passed onto him from his mother. He is a little overwhelmed by the kindness on the four faces.

“Hello,” he says awkwardly and Youngjae makes sure to stand by his side for support.

“It’s lovely to meet you. When Youngjae told us he had found a boyfriend a few days ago, we were so excited to meet you.” There forms a faint blush on the apples of Jaebum’s cheeks as he nods his head.

“It’s great to meet you too. You have a very beautiful home,” he comments as politely as he possibly can.

“What a sweet boy. Youngjae must feel very lucky to have someone like you.”

“I think I’m the lucky one,” Jaebum says with a sincerity that everyone hears so clearly. “Youngjae is arguably the kindest person I’ve ever met.” Youngjae does his big proud face with the ends of his lips almost reaching his ears. His dorky laugh is flowing softly through Jaebum's er into his lovestruck heart, mind and body.

“Youngjae tells me you’ve been here before so we won’t bother showing you around, just know you can always feel at home here.”

“Ohana means family and all that sentimental crap,” Youngjae’s sister says and their mum puts a hand jokingly over her mouth and laughs.

“Don’t mind her destructive attitude. She’s really a lovely girl beneath all that.” The joking atmosphere works like a charm on Jaebum’s nerves that lift like the edges of his mouth. He has missed this; two parents mainly. The dynamics are a lot different in a family with more than two people. Jaebum loves his mother with all he has got but he misses the way their relationship was when his father was alive and how he got to feel loved just by seeing the love between his parents like right now. Youngjae’s big smile is caused by the love and affection shown by his mother and his sister. They fit together like links in a chain. When one is gone the remaining pieces are considered broken and are no longer connected in the same way. What Jaebum is looking at, is what he misses so dearly.

Youngjae’s arm wraps more and more tightly around Jaebum’s and soon he starts to push him towards the stairs as the conversation starts to change shape from the standing in the hallway small talk. “We’ll be back down again before you know it,” Youngjae excuses and rushes Jaebum into his room.

“What was that about?”

“They might not have noticed but you got kinda distant all of a sudden. I just want to check if you’re okay.” Jaebum scoffs with embarrassment as he sits down on the bed.

“I’m fine… I just miss having a whole family. I miss my dad.” Youngjae sits down on his knees in front of him and rests his head in Jaebum’s lap. He grabs one of Jaebum’s hands and intertwines his fingers with his own.

“Does it make you uncomfortable to be here or?”

“No, no not at all. It is actually really great. I feel like I can relax, it just hits me sometimes.”

“Like an angry fist to a provocative jaw? Mr Football-is-life can relate,” Youngjae attempts to lift the mood, sensing that the timing is right. “Eh?” Jaebum can’t hold back his happiness now that Youngjae is looking up at him with the right kind of sympathy in his eyes as he tries to make Jaebum feel okay again.

“You’re a little smartass, you know that?” Jaebum jokes warmly. “A cute smartass, but certainly a smartass.”

“I can live with that.” When Youngjae giggles, Jaebum can’t hold back and he pulls Youngjae up to kiss him. “I can live with that too, yum,” Youngjae whispers before kissing Jaebum’s jaw once and standing back up. “Let’s get back to the folks.”

They eat not long after they get back down, Youngjae’s family knowing that Youngjae and Jaebum’s long days make them significantly hungrier than otherwise.

“Jaebum, what do your parents do?” Youngjae’s father asks and Youngjae instantly tenses up next to Jaebum who uncomfortably sits up straighter.

“My mum is an architect but, uh, my dad, he killed himself some years ago. He used to be an architect too though. They had a little company that my mum now keeps and has a few employees within.” Jaebum’s otherwise cheerful expression falls and grows serious. Instinctively, Youngjae puts his hand on Jaebum’s thigh and rubs circles with his thumb ever so lightly and carefully.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It’s alright. We’ve learnt to keep on living and we always have each other… And Youngjae,” Jaebum smiles at Youngjae next to him. “My mum loves Youngjae just as much as I do, if not more.” Youngjae grins like a dork and, like a spell, makes Jaebum’s worries melt away.

“Both you and your mother are always welcome here, just so you know,” Youngjae’s father assures.

“Thank you. She will be very touched by that, I’m sure.”

No parent would be touched by what happens in the bedroom once dinner is over, dishes are clean and the door to Youngjae’s room is locked and the handle has been double checked. The parents are long forgotten, however, once Jaebum’s hands are groping Youngjae’s relatively perky butt. Youngjae can’t stop himself from biting Jaebum’s lip every now and then in the middle of their kiss to which Jaebum groans and pushes Youngjae further up against the wall. If they could just be completely alone and free from any inhibitions of possibly being heard, they would be satisfying their constantly growing sexual frustration but the idea of being discovered stops them each time.

“We need to stop, fuck,” Youngjae moans out in frustration. He pecks Jaebum’s lips in his daze one last time before he pushes himself off the wall. Jaebum groans with the same dissatisfaction that his boyfriend is feeling.

“I wish we didn’t.” Youngjae nods as he closes his eyes to focus on burying the arousal. “Please stop making that face. It’s hard enough for me as it is.” Youngjae’s eyes pop open and he whines as he goes to hug Jaebum. The warmth of his embrace makes Youngjae wonder if Jackson is right. He hopes he is as he squeezes closer to Jaebum with the intent of just forgetting.

“You can sleep over if you want to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk about you guys but I love this chapter title ;P


	26. Friends Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you were wondering where three of the chapters went, it’s because I deleted the updates where I’ve had to postpone posting. I didn't delete anything from the actual story. It's just cause I low key have OCD about that stuff.

Now there is a toothbrush in Jaebum’s home marked with the initials YJ and a toothbrush in Youngjae’s home marked with the initials JB and while Jaebum brushes his teeth he fleets from the mirror-flirting with Youngjae to look for his shampoo because the scent has been haunting him for so long and he demands to know what it is. “Which one is yours?” He asks with his mouth full of foaming toothpaste.

“Far left.” The toothpaste stops him from forming a much longer sentence. Jaebum picks it up from the shelf in the shower and reads the front. ‘Unscented’. _Unscented?!_ So Youngjae means to tell him that the scent Jaebum has been obsessing over is natural. He stares in disbelief before popping the top open and sniffing at the contents. He can recognise the unavoidable shampoo smell that has absolutely been evident in Youngjae’s hair but, holy shit, Youngjae must be an actual angel because it is not humanly possible to smell that good without scented shampoo.

“No fucking way. Your hair doesn’t smell this good from unscented shampoo.” Jaebum almost spits toothpaste all over himself and rushes to the sink to spit. Youngjae chuckles as he shrugs confidently. “You’re unbelievable,” Jaebum says with a white line of toothpaste running down his chin.

“Shut up and wash your face,” Youngjae teases.

Jaebum and Youngjae lie opposite each other like last night when Jaebum ventures into a new realm with one daring question. “What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve ever done?”

“Kinkiest,” Youngjae repeats, accepting the question. He roams around in his brain to think of something. “Probably, and this is not that insane so don’t get your hopes up, when I was with Jackson’s friend, well ex-friend, I once wore this leather harness thing because he had a thing for it. It wasn’t very comfortable but he liked it which made it worth it. Now I kind of wish I hadn’t done it but that’s just because I despise him for how he treated me.”

“Wow, a harness. You’re too cute for me to picture that.”

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; an angel on the streets a de-” Jaebum slaps a hand over Youngjae mouth with a weird hiss.

“Shut up or I’m gonna jump on you.” Youngjae smiles into Jaebum’s palm and sticks his tongue out to poke it. Jaebum retracts his hand. “Yo, the fuck?” He wipes his hand off in the colourful sheets with a laugh.

“Your turn,” Youngjae demands. “What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve ever done?”

“Well, I have never been one for long-term relationships, until now,” he reassures with a kiss. “It’s usually been standard one-night stands where you usually just get in, do your deed, get out but I have done the whole handcuff and blindfold business with this girl I dated for a few weeks.” The way he speaks about sex makes Youngjae’s worries bubble up again. He hides his face in the crook of Jaebum’s neck so he can frown in peace. “But… It’s weird cause when I think of you… And, you know, sex, I only feel, if that even makes any sense. It’s like I don’t even care about anything but being that close to you. I want to know everything about you.” Youngjae looks up from his hiding place and his fingers tighten around Jaebum’s arm.

“You mean that?”

“Why shouldn’t I mean it?”

“I don’t know.” Youngjae avoids eye contact and it pokes at Jaebum’s attention.

“Oh my god, Youngjae. Did you think you were just going to be another fuck? Is that why you’ve been acting so weird? I swear to god I’ve been sensing some weird vibe with you and I’m usually never one to pick up on that stuff.” Youngjae nods shyly with his eyes looking intensely down at Jaebum’s chest. “Look at me, you idiot.” Youngjae looks up at the smiling Jaebum whose eyes are so full of unconditional love and hurt that Youngjae could even think such a thing. “I have never loved any of the people I’ve slept with and that’s something I’ve started to regret because what I feel when I’m with you, and we haven’t even had sex, is a million times more worth my time than any of those girls were. I get turned on by the simplest things you do because they remind me of how much I want to know every little tiny thing about you and how close I want to get to you. I want you so damn bad and for every second that passes it gets harder because you get prettier the more I know.”

“Oh.” This is one of Youngjae’s rare speechless moments. His breathing becomes noticeably louder and his eyes reveal the processing that is going on inside his shocked brain. Jaebum chuckles at how Youngjae looks like he is trying to say something but only air comes out every time.

“You don’t have to say a word, Youngjae. As long as you know I would never want anything but all of you. No more, no less. Take it or leave it.” He winks that charismatic wink but there is no one else around so it must be for Youngjae, the shocked ball of cuteness opposite him, whose mind is thoroughly exploding and cheeks are burning up.

“It’s gotten hot.”

“It’s always hot when you’re in the room,” Jaebum replies to the first words to peep out of Youngjae.

“Stop the smirking this instant.” Youngjae points his finger at Jaebum.

“We better get to sleep before it gets any hotter then.” Jaebum kisses Youngjae’s forehead before he gently flips him over so he can big spoon the fuck out of him with all the love he has. Youngjae lets himself drift to sleep with Jaebum’s lips pressing lightly against the back of his neck. “I’ll always treat you like my own little angel. No less.”

**Day 50 Thursday**

Jaebum in Youngjae’s baby pink hoodie is really something. “Give me something else, Youngjae, I’m not, no. Just no,” he tries as firmly as possible and pulls at Youngjae’s arm. A whimper escapes his lips and the pleading starts shamelessly.

“But it looks really cute on you. It suits your complexion.”

“But it’s pink,” he whines some more.

“Okay,” Youngjae says like he is about to drop a game changer. “What if I tell you that you in this hoodie could become the kinkiest thing I’ve ever done?” Jaebum pokes the inside of his cheek with his tongue as a smirk sneaks onto his face with reluctance. “Shall we?” Youngjae gestures to the door.

“Jaebum’s wearing pink,” is what blurts out of Jinyoung’s mouth as soon as he sees Jaebum that morning.

“And it’s Youngjae’s pink!” Jackson adds with a dash of extra drama. “Two nights in a row. You two only get cuter and cuter.”

“How were you ever scared of him?” BamBam asks Yugyeom with amusement dripping from his full lips. Yugyeom pushes BamBam so he has to take a couple of steps to prevent himself from losing his balance. It does not take a lot for tall Yugyeom to make skinny BamBam fall if he wanted to but he never pushes that hard because BamBam would never forgive him and he would have to hear about how much his hair has been ruined for the rest of the day if not longer.

“I didn’t get into this willingly. It was all he would let me wear so let’s just leave it at that, okay?” Jaebum glares at Youngjae.

“It does suit your skin tone,” BamBam comments with a nod.

“My man, BamBam, that’s exactly what I told Jaebum.” Youngjae high-fives BamBam and BamBam nods at him with approval.

“I have to ask, how the fuck did he get you to agree to this? He must have done or said something because I know you would never back down easy,” Jinyoung says and Jaebum curses at him and Mark for knowing him so well. His eye twitches and he runs a stressed hand through his hair. They see all of these signs and share a knowing look. “What’d he do?”

“We’re not telling!” Youngjae pulls at Jaebum’s arm and sticks his tongue out at Jinyoung like a five-year-old in an argument. Jaebum joins Youngjae’s little game and sticks his tongue out at his friends too.

“Wait,” Jackson says and everyone oddly freezes at Jackson’s command. “What’s that?” Jackson points to Youngjae’s neck area as he walks closer. He pulls down Youngjae’s shirt where he has seen something suspicious. “I see Jaebum’s mouth is not only for cursing at people who annoy him,” Jackson concludes while making a face and he lets go of shirts edge to hide the purple spot on Youngjae’s shoulder.

“Nice,” Yugyeom says as he makes the same face as Jackson with his nose scrunched up.

“Aaaah, I think we’ve found out what got that pink hoodie on him.”

“That’s actually from yesterday,” Youngjae mutters.

“Oh, wow, what have you two been up to?”

“Yah, can’t we have a private life?” Jaebum lashes with embarrassment written all over him in baby pink.

“I would say no,” Yugyeom says and Jackson laughs loudly.

“I think we should all just get to class,” Youngjae concludes the conversation with narrowed eyes and resentment written all over his face.

Jackson wants to hear more about the hickey and the issues that Youngjae shared with him the day before so they talk in between two classes in the hallway. “He found out and told me it’s nothing like that. He was genuinely sad that I felt that way. He said that thinking about sex with me is more a feeling than a thought. He just wants to know everything about me.” It is hard not to smile while talking about a moment like that and Jackson pulls his friend in for a big happy hug. “And the hickey was just because we’re not the best at self-control.”

“We need to get you two alone sometime soon.”

“Shut up.” Youngjae smiles shyly as he smacks Jackson’s arm mid-hug. “But thank you. I love you, Jack.”

“I love you too, otter. Don’t ever lose that smile again.” He spins Youngjae around in his arms which makes them both laugh. Jackson kisses Youngjae on the cheek and no one as much as stares because people know that these boys are affectionate friends by now. That is something that won’t change for any boyfriend and Jaebum is surprisingly fine with it.

As the lunch break approaches Jaebum grows increasingly nervous. He doesn’t sit down once he gets to the table that Jimin has made an everyday thing next to his boyfriend who knows exactly what is going on inside his head. The others make out the expressions and look three tables over to where they are sitting, the group from yesterday plus a whole bunch more. “You’re gonna do it?” Jimin almost stands up herself as they watch Jaebum take a deep breath and then a few important steps over to the table where the guy with the bruised jaw is sitting. His walk from one table to another does not go unnoticed and soon there are a lot of unwanted eyes glued to him and three tables down all his friends are halfway out of their chairs so they can jump to the rescue at the shortest notice.

“Hey, man.” Jaebum sounds incredibly chill which feels out of place for the situation and how he feels behind the calm face. “I just wanna apologise for the punch yesterday. I have some anger issues that I’m still figuring out,” he says with not the least bit of shame or embarrassment to trace on his face. If a person were to talk to Jaebum as he is right now; calm, collected, laid back, hands in his pockets and wearing a baby pink hoodie, they would not in a million years think he threw a mean punch in a fit of anger just the day before. The table is completely silent.

“Uh,” is the first thing he says to Jaebum. No one expected this situation. A fight would have been less surprising but Jaebum is not actively seeking those out anymore. “Okay, that’s okay, I guess.”

“Thanks, man, and just so you know. It’s still not cool calling people degrading names no matter the reason. I don’t care if you’ve got your own problems or if you just hate gay people but, either way, you should sort it out yourself and not take it out on people who are minding their own business.” He does a casual salute before putting his hand back in his pocket and turning his back to the table.

“Wait, Im Jaebum.” Jaebum stops and turns around. He stands up from his seat and walks over to Jaebum who remains completely calm. “I’m sorry.” Jaebum nods. “That I didn’t get to punch you back.” Youngjae, Jinyoung and Mark are out of their seats as soon as his hand clenches into a fist and his face reveals his still remaining anger.

“Stop!” Youngjae yells as he tries to get to Jaebum in time; mission impossible. When he properly realises this in panic by the time he has gotten to the end of his table, he stops in his track and makes use of one of his many talents; volume. “I said stop, damn it!” The canteen goes silent. Even the teachers freeze. Jaebum takes a deep breath but other than that he doesn’t move a muscle. Youngjae takes angry steps to get to Jaebum's side. “What’s the point? Answer me that.” Mark and Jinyoung look at each other with complete shock and Jackson has stood up too now with his jaw down to his chest. “What do you get out of hitting him? He apologised and he meant it. It takes a lot of guts to do that and all you think of is revenge. It’s petty and disgusting. Is it because you think he’s gay? Cause if it is so then you’re hitting the wrong guy.”

“No, Youngjae, no.” Jaebum panics at where Youngjae is going with this.

“If you have such a problem with gay people, hit me.” At this point, their opponent has begun to look unsure as Jaebum is trying to read the situation and get Youngjae away from possible flying fists but Youngjae is standing his ground and holding intense eye contact. “Hit me, if you’re so damn sure being gay is worth being punched in the face for.” This is where the teachers start moving. Youngjae’s history teacher stands in between them and Jaebum holds onto Youngjae’s arm to make sure he doesn’t do anything even Jaebum wouldn’t do.

“No one is hitting anybody, got it? Sit back at your individual tables and eat.” Jaebum has only experienced Youngjae angry a few times and it has been because of him every time so this is another first for the two. Youngjae just defended him, he did everything in his power to stop the fight from happening.

“I wouldn’t have hit him back,” Jaebum reassures.

“I know but I wouldn’t let him hit you in the first place.” Youngjae’s nostrils are flaring and he is still fuming as they walk back to their spots.

“I can’t believe you just did that.” Jaebum smiles at Youngjae before they sit down next to each other.

“Oh my god, Youngjae!” Jinyoung says loudly. “That was legendary. You handled that so well.” Jackson, BamBam and Yugyeom are still in deep shock and are not saying a word.

“No one should be allowed to act like such a hypocrite.” Youngjae’s eyes meet Jaebum’s and without even thinking of the setting and the whole lot of attention that is on them right now, they kiss shortly and make sure they sit so close together that they bump shoulders for the rest of the lunch break where Jackson, BamBam and Yugyeom slowly start to talk, loudly at that, about how brave Youngjae is and that he could so be a superhero.

Youngjae is quiet during history class because the last thing he wants more of is attention. Everyone takes an extra look at him and to make it worse, his teacher does too but at least he gives him a reassuring smile before looking down at his papers. He doodles in his notebook while listening to the teacher speak. Mark is thankfully next to him so he is not all alone with the pressure he is feeling. The teacher goes quiet when the sound of the caller system makes its pre-announcement sound.

“Will everyone involved in the lunch incident please report to the principal’s office.” Youngjae wants to sink into his chair and pretend he is not there but all eyes are on him and he has to go. Mark whispers encouraging words to him as does get up.

“Excuse me,” Youngjae bows his head politely as he leaves his flat words hanging in the air in there and Mark’s heart in his throat. The hall is incredibly empty as Youngjae walks down it alone. He listens to his own footsteps until a door further down the hall opens and his boyfriend steps out with the same serious face on as himself. “Jaebum,” Youngjae breathes out and his steps get faster.

“You okay?” Youngjae shakes his head and Jaebum wraps his arms around him. “Don’t worry. I’ve had to do this before. It’s over before you know it and you’ve done nothing wrong.” They walk hand in hand to the principal’s office where the purple jaw boy is already sitting. Between the two free chairs and he is Miss Kwon. She smiles at them and her presence instantly makes them feel safer.

They go through all of the events and conclude that because of the play, they cannot give Jaebum detention of any sort and decide to let it slip considering that he apologised of his own volition already. Youngjae gets no punishment because he did nothing wrong, he stopped a fight which he gets a smile for. It is a very grown up smile that seems proud for the wrong reasons somehow and Youngjae avoids eye contact. The other boy, they now know his name is Seungjoon, has to help with the show tomorrow so he can “learn how to properly behave towards his fellow students.”

As soon as they are dismissed, Jaebum and Youngjae are out of there. “We could ditch the rest of class. I’m sure our friends will be nice enough to bring us our stuff,” Jaebum suggests when Youngjae confesses his fear of going back into the classroom full of staring eyes.

“I better go back. If I can’t even face them, how will I stand in front of a crowd full of people and remember all of my lines?” Youngjae laughs at himself mockingly. “I have to do this.”

“It’s okay not to be brave.” Jaebum kisses Youngjae in the empty hallway. “I’ll follow you to the door.” Jaebum slings an arm over Youngjae’s shoulder and they walk. “I bet we’re gonna do great tomorrow night.” The smile is unmistakable. It is pure excitement with a dash of ‘shit it’s really happening’.

“It’s really tomorrow. This has been a wild ride,” Youngjae reminisces with a distant smile. “We made it very far together. Thank you for teaching me everything you know. It’s the most fun and turbulent way I have ever gotten to know someone.” They chuckle so Jaebum’s eyes turn into the crescent moons with the little too dots above the right eye just how Youngjae loves it.

“Go in now, I’ll meet you at the final rehearsal later. Love you, beautiful.” Jaebum winks and kisses Youngjae’s nose. “Good luck.”

“You too,” Youngjae returns and waves before he disappears into his classroom with a little smile that throws everyone inside completely off. He mumbles a quick “sorry”, to his teacher before he returns to his seat next to Mark who gives him a questioning look that he answers with a big smile that bursts right out of him. Mark is taken aback and smiles back at him with relief. They spend the rest of class writing notes to each other and trying to listen in a little bit here and there to China’s political history but they know more or less all about that already.

It is odd going out to rehearsal for the last time. The atmosphere is buzzing with excitement and a tinge of sadness that it will all be over soon. It makes them think back 50 days or so, to the unknowing fools they feel they were now that they think about it. How a month and a little over a half can change people so drastically has really blown their minds. Although, as changed as they feel, they are still the bunch of teenagers that joined 50 days ago. They recognise themselves as they think back and they remember a lack of happiness they did not know could be filled by the new friendships and relations that they have made here.

“I know today is somewhat of a sad day but it is also important that we rehearse lots today. It’s our last chance at perfecting this, not that I think there’s much to improve. I’m incredibly proud of all of you. Thank you for making my job so easy.” There is a round of applause for Miss Kwon. “We also have a last-minute addition to the group. Seungjoon is going to help us backstage tomorrow.” Miss Kwon sounds optimistic and neither Youngjae nor Jaebum holds any obvious grudge towards him yet the reaction is not all smiles and hugs.

“Good to have you here,” Jaebum says in an attempt to make him feel just a little welcome amongst all the frowns. Youngjae smiles proudly at him and falls even more in love with Jaebum and his kind heart that probably always was kind, it just got lost for a while. “You can relax here. No one is going to do anything to you.” Youngjae wraps his arms around Jaebum from the back and Jaebum gets distracted as Youngjae tries to lift him up and spin him around but compared to Jaebum, Youngjae is not very strong.

“Shit, I’m not good at this,” Youngjae huffs with regret and pain. “I give up.” Jaebum laughs and turns around in Youngjae’s arms so he can hug him.

“Cute,” he comments and plants a kiss on Youngjae’s nose. “Let’s get started. It’s almost showtime.” Youngjae skips after Jaebum and people get into their positions. Seungjoon gets to help with things backstage.

The wardrobe changes are still stressful so they just have to hope they get lucky during the real deal tomorrow night and so does Miss Kwon whose excitement is shooting upwards for every success and her own enthusiasm becomes everyone else’s also. Once they finish the playthrough, the atmosphere has gone through the roof that they do not have and the sun is shining down on them as they gather in the grass and talk.

“It’s been a long way to this. A lot of people and work,” Jaebum thinks aloud as Youngjae’s head lands on his shoulder and his arm wraps around him.

“It’s been fun despite the hardships along the way,” Youngjae adds sweetly.

“Speak for yourself,” Jinyoung comments which makes the other four burst out laughing. “I’ve never been as tired when I get home as I am these days.” He is obviously joking and it grows more and more evident with the also growing smile. “All jokes aside, this was healthy for all of us. Thank god for our very own cooperative Riley aka Mother Theresa.”

“And thank god for me making stupid bets way over my head.” Jaebum can recall having seen a poster that same morning about auditions so it had been the first thing to come to mind when he had to put something on the line. Pride it was; the pride that mattered to him so dearly before. Now, it still does but the pride is different and a whole lot calmer. He glances over at Seungjoon’s jaw.

“Proud of you,” Youngjae whispers close to Jaebum’s ear. He gets a thigh squeeze in return.

“What happened with Riley and you? I don’t think I ever got the story.” Jinyoung looks over at Mark with a sneaky smile that makes Jaebum suspicious.

“Are you sure you wanna know?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I?”

“On my way over to her I thought about the bet you had made and how badly I wanted it to come true so I didn’t really seduce Riley, I just told her to play along so I could get you in the play and she was instantly in on it. When we ran inside and down the hall, it was to speak to Miss Kwon because Riley is one of her students. That’s how I got to be prompter.”

“Fraud. I was cheated,” Jaebum states dumbfoundedly. “You are so quick, Park Jinyoung, I hate you.” Jinyoung laughs so his eyes crease and his hand shields his mouth out of habit.

“It ended up pretty neat for you though.” Jaebum once again hates that he is right but he doesn’t hate him like he says and Jinyoung knows that.

“I wouldn’t want it any different.”

“That’s adorable,” BamBam comments because Jaebum’s smile is brighter than the sun in the sky all because of a stupid bet and a lie to win it.

“Friends forever!” Yugyeom yells out with a big goofy smile on his face and Youngjae follows him immediately.

“Friends forever.” The others smile and repeat those two words with pride and sincerity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is gonna be the day of the play and it's gonna be lit, you know, probably.


	27. New Nerves

**Day 51 Friday – showtime**

“It’s today. Promise you’ll all make it, or maybe don't come. I don’t know. Oh my god I have to leave in like 5 minutes. I won’t be able to focus at all in class.” Youngjae is beyond nervous. His heart is pounding away way faster than he can keep up with.

“Calm down, Youngjae. I don’t think anyone wants to miss the lovebirds in action,” his brother teases from his chair. His mocking chuckle sends a dry sigh out of Youngjae’s mouth.

“I hate you.”

“You love being on stage so I’m sure you’ll have fun once you’re out there.” His father hugs him after giving his brother a stern look and Youngjae feels soothed by the words like only a parent can do it.

The doorbell rings and Youngjae jumps out of the kitchen to get it. “Hi Bummie.” Jaebum looks morningy with sleepy eyes and his hands in his pockets. His chuckle is just as tired as the rest of him and Youngjae could fall to his knees and cry at the cuteness but he decides not to for the sake of his dignity.

“Bummie? Not sure how I feel about that.” As he speaks he starts to smile and his shoulders shyly head for his ears that are covered by his black hoodie. He looks so sleepy and it is so unbearably cute.

“You’re gonna have to live with it.” He smiles before turning around to put his shoes on while announcing his departure. His parents come out to wave at Jaebum and say goodbye and good luck.

“We can’t wait to see you tonight.” Jaebum mumbles a quick thank you before they shut the door behind them and make their way to school that today is a lot more than just school. Before too long they will be revealing themselves through the characters they have played for so long now, the characters they have fallen in love with and feel very vulnerable about showing off to both familiar and unfamiliar faces. The audience is mostly family of the crew but there will be teachers there too, other students and their families. There are a lot of seats on that tribune and there is a lot at stake tonight. Once the sun starts to set, their hands will be full and their brains will be working on trying to keep focus.

“Are you thinking about it too?” Youngjae nods as Jaebum interrupts the unintended silence.

“It’s a lot to face in a way.” Jaebum agrees and slips his hand into the pocket of Youngjae’s jacket where he entwines their hands and it makes him feel a lot less alone.

Jinyoung is at the front entrance with Mark where they are in the middle of throwing out their cigarettes one at a time. “It’s quite therapeutic to do it like this,” he explains to his friends as they step closer.

“Nice. Work that healthy lifestyle!” Youngjae cheers. Jaebum joins in because as much as he feels fresh and liberated after quitting, he does miss them a bit and to have his close friends going through the same thing is always a help.

“Now we can be healthy together. Let’s go eat a salad with no dressing and play some sports.” The sarcasm is dripping from Jaebum’s lips and it makes all of them laugh as they turn to walk towards their school building.

“Did you hear that we don’t have to go to classes after lunch? Miss Kwon got us out of them,” Mark tells and Youngjae’s face lights up.

“That’s a relief.”

A few classes feel like forever when all you do is stare up at the clock every few seconds which is why leaving his last class, Youngjae jogs all the way out the back and to the stage. He is the first one there but the others are not far behind and are beaming with as much nervous excitement as he is. They thank the warm weather as they start to work. An unusual number of students have decided to eat outside today and it makes Jaebum and Youngjae extra shy about walking out on stage in full costumes.

Seungjoon and Jaebum pass each other on Jaebum’s way out on stage and Jaebum asks how he is. “Alright.”

“I’m glad. I hope you feel welcome.” Jaebum claps his shoulder and smiles.

“I’m gonna test the sound now guys,” someone yells from the back before Gallant plays over the speakers perfectly. Youngjae starts moving to the familiar song. This is Jaebum’s kind of music so he does anything but hesitate to join Youngjae by grabbing his hand and making him do a spin. “Beautiful,” he chuckles warmly. Youngjae is shining like the sun again as he pulls Jaebum closer. Their moment does not get to last long before their friends join the hug until they are a pile of people in the middle of the stage with a squirming and screaming Youngjae in the middle.

“Okay, let’s save Youngjae before he screams our ears off,” Jaebum orders and everyone start to de-pile.

“Urgh, outfits got curled up.” BamBam plants his forehead in his palm with regret. He takes the liberty to straighten up the fronts as much as he can. “Do me a favour and be careful with these outfits. No more cute hugging. It’s not cute anymore if you look like you’ve just been crumbled up and also I’ll be mad.” Youngjae does his sarcastic solemn face as he nods his head up and down slowly.

“We promise,” Jaebum says for the both of them and BamBam points to his own eyes and then to them.

“Hey, faggots!” Youngjae has his back turned when he hears it and his smile drops to a frown full of reoccurring fear. He has been here before. It takes Jaebum half a second to grab Youngjae’s face with what probably looks like passion but is more like immense worry.

“Don’t look. Don’t hear. They’re not even there,” he whispers to Youngjae as he moves closer and grabs his hand. The music stops abruptly and their friends get into defence mode.

“Oh look, they’re giving us a demonstration. How about keeping your disgusting touching out of everyone’s sight?” They are about to open their mouths again and so are Jaebum and Youngjae's friends when Seungjoon comes out on stage.

“Bro, don’t. Just mind your own business. If you don’t like it just look the other way. If you do like it, well, then what the fuck are you picking on them for. Just leave, okay?” Miss Kwon and Mr Song come out on stage and give them a look.

“Leave or we’re taking you to the office.” The boys put their arms up in the air signalling that they give up. They glare at Jaebum who glares back with lion-esque motions that signal messing with Youngjae in any way means getting into trouble with Jaebum.

“We’re leaving,” they announce like the whole thing is lame, like they don’t care about the situation that they started. Seungjoon approaches Jaebum and Youngjae followed by Miss Kwon and Mr song.

“I’m sorry about them. I’ll talk to them later,” Seungjoon apologises with genuine guilt evident in his gaze.

“You really don’t have to. Thank you so much for what you said.” Jaebum would hug him but Youngjae has finally moved and is firmly planted in Jaebum’s arms so he settles with a nod and a smile.

“Youngjae?” Miss Kwon speaks softly and she puts a comforting hand on his arm. Jaebum pulls away a little so she can look at him. She takes a moment to think. “What’s going on?” She points to his forehead. “Up there?”

“I don’t mind them. I don’t care about them at all. They can hate me as much as they like and I won’t change who I am but the way they still manage to make me feel filthy, that’s what I hate. It may just be for a moment but it stings. It makes me angry too because I know I’m not dirty or wrong or disgusting. I don’t get mad at them because they can think whatever they want to think about me but I get mad at the feelings. I wish I could stop them from coming back every time.” Miss Kwon nods with a small smile.

“You’re a special one, Youngjae. You surprise me so much with the way you think things through. You’re a wise one, but feelings, they don’t always want to be controlled. You know that too. I’m sure you know this as well but no one here would ever once think of calling you such things. We all think you’re a masterpiece.” Youngjae smiles and tightens the grip he has on Jaebum’s hand.

“Thanks, Miss Kwon.” He turns to Jaebum. “Are you alright too?” Jaebum nods and smiles at the smile he gets. It is sinful not to be happy around such a source of light and energy.

“Always Alright.” Miss Kwon turns to watch the boys go back inside the building before she turns her attention back to the work she is doing.

“Alright. The sound works and the lights work too. Costumes are looking great. We’ll do a couple of final rehearsals and then I don’t think we can get it any more imprinted in our brains.” Before they get to practice, they get the lunch break that they never got. “Can’t burn bright without the fuel to keep the fire going.”

It was stuffy in the auditorium now that they think about it. Out here, the fresh air clears their heads and gives them a feeling of invincibility. Youngjae feels stronger than before and Jaebum feels a lot lighter. Jinyoung seems to like the box he got out here a lot more because he doesn’t have to sit and sweat as much as he did inside. His smiles are no longer smug but rather admiring and adoring. He has been friends with Jaebum since they were young enough to eat ice cream with their whole face and now he has gotten to watch him grow from his little box and find that Jinyoung himself has changed too. He sees it in Mark too. They have all changed unconsciously in the midst of focusing on Jaebum’s change. It makes his eyes crease and when Jaebum looks down at him he gives him a questioning look and laughs. Jinyoung finds it hard to contain himself and throws Jaebum a swift hand heart and a wink. He mouths the words _good job, Im Jaebum_ and Jaebum lies flat on his stomach on the stage to level his face with Jinyoung’s.

“Good job, Park Jinyoung.”

As the darkness starts to fall upon the stage and they start to hear a buzzing out front, Jinyoung parts with the group sitting backstage to make it to his box. Mark and Jackson are fiddling unnecessarily with the props that they are nervous about carrying in and out. Miss Kwon is walking back and forth between everyone to make sure things are in check and ready. People start to whisper “positions, positions.” So Jaebum, Youngjae, BamBam and Yugyeom have to get up from where they were so comfortably seated and as they stand, as if they had gotten up too fast, the nerves make them a little dizzy.

“It’s really happening.” Youngjae’s breathing is a bit more concentrated than usual. They stand to the side and watch Jimin make her entrance.

“Ladies and gentleman,” she starts and there falls a deadly silence over the whole place. There is a light pointed directly at her but other than that the place is as dark as it can be at sundown so close to summer. “I welcome you all here to listen and watch as we tell the story of the good and the evil. We will show you dark and light as it works together towards something completely new. This is a story about hatred but first and foremost it is a story of love. We hope you will enjoy the show.” She bows and leaves the stage calmly. It grows quiet again as Jaebum takes one last look at Youngjae before he takes the first brave step onto the stage. Youngjae soon follows with a grin that only belongs on Phenex’s face.

“There you are,” Phenex says in a way that sends chills down the spine of the audience.

“Why are you here?” Is what Phenex is greeted with. “Who let you in?”

“Oh, haven’t you heard?” His snakelike speech makes Samael very wary. “We’re going to earth… Together.” Samael tires to think of a reason why he would make up a lie like this.

“He told me he had a job for me…” Samael trails off. “What are we doing down there?”

“Setting some people straight.” Samael sighs.

They act their hearts out and thankfully as it grows darker, they can no longer see the crowd from the bright light shining in their faces and as the scenes go by one by one, they seem to be getting better and better. Miss Kwon is standing on the side with a smile on her face as she watches them.

“You’ve cried?” The worried angel asks with both hands cupping the demon’s face with kindness and worry.

“I cried, so what?” He rips away from the angelic hands like they burnt his already warm cheeks. “What does that matter to you?” The angel is fearlessly stepping closer to the enraged demon.

“Don’t think you’re just anybody to me. I care for the world, yes, that’s correct, but I care for you the most. If you cry I demand that you let me help you.” His hands somehow find the demon’s face again. He doesn’t push them away this time around. He stands still in a trance as their eyes lock once more.

“We aren’t the same. We were never the same. We will never be the same.” Maybe that is true, the actors think, but that has nothing to do with love, the actors know. Samael smiles at this comment and then he laughs.

“No, we aren’t. No, we weren’t. No, we won't be.” Phenex doesn’t move out of Samael’s grip. “But you know that never mattered.” He lets go of Phenex and leaves him dumbfounded in the middle of the stage.

It all goes according to plan until the last scene falls upon them. The scene they have rehearsed the most, so much that Jaebum has lost count of how many times he has kissed Youngjae’s cheek.

And in that second where Jaebum is supposed to press that light kiss to Youngjae’s cheek, Youngjae turns his head in front of the full audience and the kiss does not land on his cheek as it has been rehearsed about a thousand times. Improvisation is a beautiful thing when you are a master at it. Neither Jaebum nor Youngjae has to act surprised because they both are as they stiffly look out in front of them. The silence dominates for a few deadly seconds before Youngjae opens his mouth with some doubt.

“Maybe the kiss of an angel is good fortune,” Youngjae ponders in his demonic persona of Phenex.

“Maybe the kiss of a demon isn’t,” Jaebum replies in his angelic persona of Samael.

“Maybe these things don’t have any significance for an angel like you and a demon like me.” Phenex has a point and Jinyoung is beaming in his little box. Phenex proceeds to speak and pulls them back on track skilfully. There is not a dry eye in the crew as they are all in position watching the best they can.

“All thanks to you.”

“Sin? It must be more than that, what we are doing.”

“All thanks to you.” The audience laughs at the comical adoration in Samael’s eyes as he says this.

“All thanks to you,” Phenex returns with eyes filled with something fresh that other demons could never express like he does. Phenex is free and therefore so is Samael.

They are the first ones to come back out on stage hand in hand to meet the applause with a bow. Soon enough the other actors come out and then the rest of the crew joins them. Only Jinyoung stays in his little box but it does not take long for Jaebum and Youngjae to notice and pull him out of the hole he has been staring at them through. He gets an extra round of applause as he shyly laughs at how much Jaebum and Youngjae are hyping him up. Jackson comes running to them in his angel number two outfit. He does a little twirl before lifting Jinyoung up on his back. The bowing turns into a chaos of laughing and smiling students with Mark supporting Jinyoung’s back in fear that he will fall backwards with Jackson jumping around. BamBam and Yugyeom have gone to hug Youngjae in happiness and Jaebum sticks his head in there. It isn’t long before the little group hug has turned into one big one with the whole team joining. Miss Kwon gets a microphone to thank everyone for coming. “As you can see this has not only produced a wonderful product but also some wonderful relations that will last longer than their time at this school, I’m sure.”

“We love you, Miss Kwon,” they all shout in a very unorganised manner.

They go backstage to get out of their costumes so BamBam and Hana can put them away nicely and then they rush out to their families who are waiting by the tribune. Jinyoung and Mark join them so Youngjae gets to introduce them to Youngjae’s family. They hug Jaebum’s mother who has not stopped smiling yet. The pride on her face is unreal.

“I feel so blessed to have seen you do that. I’m so proud of you, my boy, and I’m sure your father would have been too.” Jaebum hugs his mother tightly.

“Thanks, mum.” He is beaming at his mother as sweat is glistening on his forehead. It quite frankly sends chills down Youngjae’s spine in the midst of his ongoing frustration.

“Well, we got to talk to Jaebum’s mother and she has invited us for tea at hers. If you boys want to just head home and sleep that’s fine, you don’t have to join us.” Jaebum and Youngjae glance at each other for a moment.

“Yeah, I don’t know about Jaebum but I’m pretty exhausted,” is Youngjae’s answer before looking back to Jaebum who has a glimpse of something in his eye.

“I’m not right now,” he starts before pulling at the bottom of his t-shirt. “But I think I’m gonna be once I’m off the rush.” The innocent smile feels out of place for Youngjae and he bites his tongue because a lip bite would unveil the underlining meaning behind this conversation to his siblings at least.

He finds it kind of adorable how Jaebum is covering his stomach with a hint of embarrassment after he was done pretending not to be attempting to bother Youngjae with the t-shirt and the sweat-wiping.

“What’s happening here?” Jackson squeals as he spots Jaebum’s naked backside. “What is this indecent exposure about?” Jaebum chuckles while Jackson moves in front of him and pats his faint abs softly. “I think I saw some of the girls staring. I can’t tell you how much I’d like to see them try.”

“Hi, Jaebum,” a girl from their grade yells with her friends next to her. Jackson breaks out into a fit of laughter that Youngjae must fight not to become a part of. “Nice play. Are you gonna come back now?”

“Come back? What the hell?” He mutters with furrowed eyebrows. He turns his head back to the friendly faces without answering the girls. Of course, Jackson takes the liberty to do so.

“I wouldn’t expect him to, ladies. Tough luck.”

“School’s great,” Jaebum jokes and his eyes turn to little creases and Youngjae finds him painfully charming like that. Mark, Jinyoung, BamBam and Yugyeom come along and soon there is quite the circle of boys and their impressed families.

“Oh,” Jackson says like he has realised something magnificent. He turns to find Youngjae in the midst of faces and starts laughing. “I knew you’d be blushing.” He whines and goes to pick up Youngjae and spins him around.

“Jackson says it was nice meeting some of you and seeing some of you again. He sadly has to leave now though,” Youngjae saves his own butt with a joke in Jackson’s direction to which he gets a pout in return.

“Honestly, we should get our things and go. I’m exhausted,” Yugyeom whines.

Backstage where they gather their things, Youngjae pulls Jackson aside to update him. His parents and siblings will be at Jaebum’s place and Jaebum and himself will be at his place.

“Oh my god, you’ll be alone with him, Youngjae.” Jackson’s expression is telling and Youngjae’s is a little horrified but in the anticipating kind of way as if the nerves become more prominent now that the show is over and the private one is about to start. “Do you have lube and condoms? I’ll run for it if you don’t.” Youngjae makes an embarrassed noise.

“I do… Have some. Shut up.” Jackson giggles.

“Little otter getting nervous and shy. You have to tell me how bad boy Jaebum does in bed tomorrow.” Youngjae waves him off with embarrassment as he sees Jaebum approaching. “I’ll leave you two to it,” Jackson whispers with a wink before he disappears.

“Are you ready to leave?” Youngjae nods with flushed cheeks.

“My place, right?” Jaebum nods with a tiny shy smile.

They are in a silly mood on the way home; nagging and teasing each other as they walk towards Youngjae’s empty house and the nerves that seemed to just have washed off, return with even more intensity than before. The lock on the front door is like a shock to their hearts and it feels like they both skip a beat. Youngjae doesn’t even bother with the lights that are all off as he moves his way up the stairs. Jaebum’s palm is going sweaty in Youngjae’s. It is a lot scarier now because unlike all the other times, there is nothing to stop them. The darkness and the silence work together in funny ways around them so that their breaths grow heavy without as much as a single kiss. The door shuts gently behind Jaebum so the room becomes the only thing that is, they become the only living things in their universe and they need each other to breathe.

Rationality disappears completely as Youngjae begins to pull at Jaebum’s collar very gently. Everything is done gently and slowly from the pulling to the kissing and the arms around necks and hips and hands tangled in hair. They feel each other’s heartbeats against their chests that are tightly pressed together. Jaebum pins Youngjae to the same wall he did two days ago like they need to go back to get a feeling of finishing what they started so many times. Jaebum’s lips are slightly rough but just little enough not to come off as impatient. It may be because they have never been this nervous to sleep with anyone before but they take things much slower than they normally would. Youngjae is a biter so Jaebum’s lip goes between his teeth before too long and fumes Jaebum’s fire. He moans more prominently than Youngjae has ever heard it and he feels his dick twitch at the deep sound.

“Fuck, you’re getting me hot.” Jaebum hears these words as a command and his hands go down to Youngjae’s butt and he keeps them resting firmly there until Youngjae pulls at his hair and starts planting wet and sloppy kisses down Jaebum’s neck.

“Youngjae, I- fuck,” he moans as he pulls Youngjae towards the bed by his hips. He lands on his back so Youngjae gets a great chance to fight for the dominance that Jaebum clearly wants to be his. Youngjae has a few tricks up his sleeve too and, in a way, he is the one with the most experience. He knows what buttons to push and he cannot wait to push them at all the right times. Youngjae moves downwards slowly with as much ease as he can muster. He stops at the hem of Jaebum’s jeans to plant his palm on Jaebum’s stomach that he has never had actual skin on skin contact with. He can feel the slight hardness that he doesn’t have much of himself. As Youngjae’s hand moves further up and pulls Jaebum’s shirt up with it, his mouth gets working on the same route up his upper body. Jaebum’s breath hitches in his throat as Youngjae moves further and further up and his body starts to slide against Jaebum’s.

Youngjae’s mouth gets to Jaebum’s nipples and he decides to test what Jaebum probably never has. He makes a sceptic sound that gives up to the new sensation halfway and turns into a moan. When Youngjae’s mouth is back on Jaebum’s and he has straddled Jaebum, he pulls Jaebum up to sit up so Youngjae can pull the shirt off completely. Youngjae bites his lower lip as he takes Jaebum in as he is in front of him. Jaebum leans back on his palms with a smirk and Youngjae has an intense moment of thirst and he grinds his hips against Jaebum’s so the smirk disappears and gets exchanged with a hard lip bite.

Heavy breathing and muffled moans make up most of the sound in Youngjae’s bedroom once his shirt has come off too. Youngjae continues to grind on Jaebum and at earns him red marks where Jaebum’s nails dug into his skin desperately.

“Jaebum,” Youngjae breathes. “Don’t hold back. Give me everything you have. I want all of you.” Jaebum has always been bad at admitting his weaknesses and Youngjae’s words make him want to prove his worth, his courage and most of all how much he loves Youngjae to the core. He lies Youngjae down softly before using his mouth to ravish his way down his body down to the belt that he nearly rips open. He kisses Youngjae’s tummy as he works the trousers open so he can pull them off.

This is the part where Jaebum gets nervous for real. Youngjae senses the worry. "You're in great hands, Im Jaebum," he half-moans and Jaebum presses down on his burning erection that is still covered by the restricting jeans. Youngjae pulls his own jeans off so he can spare Jaebum all the fiddling with them. He switches places with Jaebum again and starts playing with the hem of his boxers once he has pulled down the zipper. His finger pulls at the elastic band and he kisses Jaebum right there before looking up at him. "Pull them off," Youngjae says with horniness coated with softness which is all too much for Jaebum. Youngjae makes room for Jaebum as he pulls his jeans down his thighs and all the way off.

Jaebum stops Youngjae from pulling his own boxers down. "Let me," he whispers with a spark of curiosity in his eyes. He has never been this physically close to another man before so the questions and the wonders all pile up in his mind and as nervous as he may be, he wants to do everything, see everything, hear everything, feel everything. Youngjae's dick slaps against his tummy at the quick pull. He groans at the freedom and Jaebum lies him back down in the sheets and pulls them off completely. Youngjae helplessly reaches for Jaebum's underwear and moans way too loudly once he manages to get them off Jaebum.

"I've never had such a great reaction before. Thanks, baby," Jaebum whispers into Youngjae's ear and Youngjae feels stronger and stronger yearning that is taking over his sanity in that moment.

“Baby,” Youngjae breathes as if a demon has taken over his body and he has lost control completely of anything he says or does. Jaebum sucks on his neck while he reaches into his drawer and finds his bottle of lube that he has underneath a bunch of things to disguise it from any possible peeping siblings.

As if the demon leaves his body for a moment and Youngjae returns to normal (except naked and panting slightly), he asks Jaebum, “do you wanna try or should I just?” He points to the lube and Jaebum swallows hard.

“I’ll do it,” he decides and Youngjae can’t hide his smile. They share a quick passionate kiss and moan at the feeling of their bodies so close, skin on skin. Youngjae pops the bottle open and does a sloppy pour into his palm before putting the bottle on the bedside table and his hand around Jaebum’s fingers.

“One, two, three and then I’ll find a condom.” Youngjae counts on Jaebum’s lubed up fingers before letting him go with confidence. “It’s been a while. I’m pretty sure I need to be stretched out.” _Yeah, that and the fact that Jaebum is the thickest bitch he has ever had_. His head rests on the pillow and awaits Jaebum’s touch between his spread legs. He feels kisses on his thighs and moans because without knowing, Jaebum has hit one of Youngjae’s favourite spots to be kissed. The heated atmosphere is beyond compare as Youngjae spreads his legs further apart to signal impatience and need. Jaebum must have taken the hint because there’s a finger moving in and out of him so suddenly that Youngjae gasps. He starts leaking onto his stomach and Jaebum moans before he puts in a second finger. “Up,” Youngjae stutters and Jaebum bends his fingers as a lucky guess because Youngjae lifts his back off the mattress in pleasure. Soon the third finger is added and Youngjae nearly hisses the word ‘ready’ to Jaebum.

Once again Youngjae reaches for the top drawer and pulls out a condom. He hands it to Jaebum who puts it on and throws the wrapper on the floor for them to clean up later. They kiss in a mess of colourful sheets for a few moments where all the built up importance has to wait up for their courage.

“Jaebum, are you ready?”

“I have no idea,” he smiles and they laugh together warmly and quietly before their bodies melt together in a way none of them has experienced before. Gay or straight, this is new and this is more. This is how they _know_.

Somehow this is so much different from all the other experiences Jaebum has had with sex. He has done this countless times before but nothing compares to the way Youngjae looks at him; like the world around them is completely and utterly unimportant and only they exist.

He has done this countless times before but nothing compares to the way Youngjae touches him. It is rough but still burning with love that stays on his skin even after he has let go. The nails down his back will leave a mark of that love.

He has done this countless times before but nothing compares to the way Youngjae kisses him. His mouth is everywhere it can reach; from Jaebum’s own mouth to his neck and even ears and it has never felt so electric to be kissed by anyone before.

He has done this countless times before but nothing compares to the way Youngjae sounds. Every little sound reminds Jaebum that they are for him, that he is making this happen.

He has done this countless times before but nothing compares to the way Youngjae feels. There is no way for Jaebum to deny, even now before it is over, that Youngjae is the best he has ever had. It is all so new. He has never been this in love with someone.

Jaebum is euphoric before he has even reached heaven and his mind is completely blank like all there is, is Jaebum’s body on Youngjae’s and the feelings that keep them so completely in the moment.

Youngjae starts to meet every one of Jaebum’s thrusts and Jaebum takes it as a signal to speed up. “Jaebum,” Youngjae moans as his legs tighten around his back “Fuck,” he swears and Jaebum sinks down to bite at Youngjae’s neck where he has learnt his boyfriend is the most sensitive. “Jaebum, I’m.” He doesn’t get to say anymore because Jaebum brings the speed up again and he puts his mouth on Youngjae’s.

As they get closer and closer to their individual orgasms, their kissing is interrupted by the moans that take over. More than before, Jaebum can confirm what Jackson let slip about his best friend; he is a loud one. When Jaebum hits the right place at exactly the right time, Youngjae nearly screams in pleasure with one hand grabbing the sheets and another one on Jaebum’s back. He clenches around Jaebum which sends him right over the edge so his thrusts grow uneven as he growls into Youngjae’s neck with his cum sticking to his stomach.

Jaebum allows himself to collapse like he never has. He falls on top of Youngjae with a deep breath. Once they regain their lost breath they clean up the traces of their doings without moving far from the bed. Jaebum is thankful for the bin being so close so he can get rid of anything to do with the condom while Youngjae stuffs the lube back in the drawer. Soon Jaebum is crawling under the sheet and pulling Youngjae towards him as he tries to clean up the mess he made on both of their chests with a mere wet wipe but it works and Jaebum is being impatient with getting Youngjae in his arms. Youngjae giggles as Jaebum tugs at his body and gives into it without much reluctance. Jaebum sighs in satisfactory.

“I don’t think I’m ever gonna feel as happy as I am feeling at this moment.”

“You’ve peaked?” Youngjae softly chuckles.

“I’ve peaked.” Jaebum smiles at Youngjae’s fingers as he plays with them in the dim light of the streetlamps shining in through the bedroom window. “And I think that’s okay cause if I get any happier it’s bound to be illegal or lethal or something.”

“I think it’s the sex talking but I really don’t mind,” Youngjae half sighs half moans before placing a lazy kiss on Jaebum’s rosy cheek. “You’re beautiful like this. Stripped, not only literally but figuratively as well. You’re not hiding anything anymore, at least not from me.”

“I wish I could stay in this exact feeling forever. It’s the kind of fresh feeling you only experience with a special first. The kind that stays until the moment dies out. I’m gonna miss this feeling. I’m glad I get to feel it with you.” Youngjae chuckles at this.

“Trust me, Mr Im Jaebum, you have a lot of firsts to go. Don’t worry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It got really late as I was editing this. I'm sorry if the smut is bad, I've done the proofreading half asleep. I hope it's tolerable.


	28. Soft Sayings

“I like you like this,” Jaebum mutters into Youngjae’s neck.

“Like what?”

“Naked.” His smile is pressed against Youngjae’s skin that is still sticky from the drying sweat. “Naked and beautiful. Never put clothes on again.” The chuckling that follows rings so softly through the room because the two feel safe here. This is a place where there is only the love that they have taught each other.

Jaebum grabs the toothbrush with his name on it and Youngjae admires his figure in the mirror. He is wearing nothing but his underwear and it becomes Youngjae’s chance to stare properly. “Youngjae,” Jaebum laughs with the toothbrush in his mouth. Youngjae ignores the calling of his name and reaches out a hand to touch the muscles on Jaebum’s upper arms. His fingers trace around his shoulder and down his chest.

“You’re,” is all he says with infatuation and leaves the rest up for Jaebum to figure out.

“I’m what?” Youngjae looks up from Jaebum’s chest to his eyes.

“My everything.” It is when Youngjae laughs his dorky laugh with that dazed smile like now that he is the most irresistible. Jaebum kisses his still swollen lips and they start to smile. There is a bit of toothpaste in the kiss but they have no reason to mind. “And also,” he continues. “You’re the best I’ve ever had.”

“If you had told me just a month ago that the best sex I would ever have was going to be with a guy, I would have called it bullshit and left but now I believe it. I feel it. I love you so much and I don’t even care what label that will make people put on me. I just care about you and the fact that you are the best sex I have ever had.” Jaebum pulls at the shirt on Youngjae’s hips.

“Let’s go back to bed. I want to cuddle the man behind the best sex I’ve ever had and show him the magic of post-sex affection.” Jaebum nods and finishes off in the bathroom where Youngjae leaves him. He comes jogging back into the bedroom to find a snuggly looking Youngjae on the bed with his arms opening as soon as he sees his boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is very short because I’m in Michigan and tomorrow I’ll be driving to Toronto for the GOT7 concert and then back again on the 4th to celebrate Independence Day with my friend’s family. That is also why there most likely won’t be a chapter this Wednesday but fear not! I have a whole little thing planned out. I’m gonna write a few more chapters including a filler as the next one that will basically tell the story of Mark, Jackson, Jinyoung, BamBam and Yugyeom on the night after the play and then afterwards I’ll somehow create an ending on one or two chapters.


	29. Lost Lips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this is so late!!!  
> I was so tired yesterday while trying to stay awake till evening so I could cheat the jetlag (sidenote: It worked, yay). I've spent today getting this chapter together. I think you'll really like what I did here. It is quite interesting.

Jackson watches his best friend take off safely in the hands of his boyfriend and he smiles proudly at the two until they are completely out of sight. His body feels more and more uncomfortable to be stuck in as he stands there alone with no distractions from his racing mind. “Jack?” Mark approaches him and he turns with a different kind of smile. “Did Jaebum and Youngjae leave?”

“Yes, Youngjae’s parents are going to Jaebum’s place so they are gonna ‘sleep’ at Youngjae’s because they’re ‘tired’ aka sexy time,” Jackson explains with a somewhat off smile. Mark raises his eyebrows.

“Imagine that. Jaebum sleeping with a guy,” Mark chuckles at his long-time friend who he would never have expected to take such a huge turn - and so suddenly.

“You know, I’d rather not,” Jackson laughs. Mark can tell he is a mix of excited and nervous for his friend who is about to have sex with a guy who has proved himself to be unpredictable more than enough times which has hurt Youngjae a lot.

“Jaebum has never been this sure about something so out of his element,” Mark says with an arm around Jackson’s shoulder. Nodding is all that Jackson can respond with followed by a quick smile of appreciation. He knows deep down that Jaebum is the best for Youngjae and that his heart has found its right place where it can love Youngjae the most. He must admit that he is enjoying Jaebum’s company a lot these days. He is sure this group of friends will only grow stronger in the future. Jinyoung, BamBam and Yugyeom come over and Mark retells what Jackson just told him.

“Way to go, Jaebum!” Jinyoung says excitedly. “That’s gonna be interesting to hear him retell.” Jinyoung smirks but with a hint of pride and sentimentality for his friend who has come a long way from where he started.

“It’s been a while for Youngjae hasn’t it?” Yugyeom asks without thinking that Youngjae might have liked for that fact to be kept secret and BamBam nods with just as little regard for the confidentiality of their friend’s sex life status. Jackson slaps Yugyeom’s arm with a stern protective look and Yugyeom squirms backwards.

“Hey,” Jackson warns. BamBam takes a look at the hand Jackson has raised in the air and his mouth shuts. “Don’t go sharing private information about your friends. I’m sure he would tell them but that’s for him to decide,” Jackson defends his best friend who he feels is too honest and trusting to be leaking information about. Jackson does, however, remember the last person Youngjae slept with; his old friend who had also come from Hong Kong a few years later than Jackson had. Youngjae had fallen under his spell and they dated for a few months but what deceit can do, how petty a pretty one can turn out to be. Jackson feels himself start to fume at the memories. He hates that someone could think to use Youngjae the way he did. BamBam pats Jackson on the shoulder because he can tell by the concentration on his angered face that he is mutely screaming his otherwise unspoken name.

“Jaebum is a good guy,” BamBam whispers into Jackson’s ear and he attempts to push away the memories of Youngjae’s first boyfriend because they have become unimportant now that he has found the person he can trust with all the love he has in him and that alone is all the reassurance Jackson really needs, worried and sceptic as he is. Jackson reaches for Yugyeom and BamBam’s hands and he feels comforted here.

“Wanna do something?” Jinyoung suggests and it pulls all five of them out of the previous conversation. “I feel like our lives have revolved around the two of them for so long and now that we can finally let go it feels odd to just go home and be alone.” Jackson smiles at Jinyoung and he smiles back so they, for a moment, look like proud parents.

Everyone agrees to hang out and they walk with Jinyoung’s parents and two older sisters back to his place where they sit on the balcony that just fits a half moon of five chairs. “I never in my wildest dreams thought we would end up being friends with the leather-jacketed fuckboys of the school.”

“Likewise, except you were those cool guys who never cared about drama or whatever anyone thought about you.” Jackson’s jaw drops at Jinyoung’s reply.

“You thought we were cool? You knew who we were?” Jackson is a level of shook that is hard to keep up with and makes them all laugh tremendously.

“You are always doing school activities like the play and, well, I think the whole school knows Youngjae by his laugh. There was never anything better than hearing his laughter ring through the cafeteria during lunch and now we get to have it up close.”

“Wow, really?” BamBam chuckles. “Did Jaebum ever say anything about it?”

“He would always scoff but it was the kind of scoff that said ‘I’m pretending not to care even though that was kind of adorable’. We would refer to him as the smiling kid whenever he came up in conversation.”

“That’s cute but then again, so is Youngjae.” Jinyoung groans at this comment.

“Jesus, we’re like parents who can’t stop talking about their kids. What do we do?” He asks and the balcony goes silent. Yugyeom opens his mouth only to shut it again. They are blank for ideas.

“Well, we could…” Mark trails off and everyone leans forward in their chairs. “Tell each other things about ourselves kinda like truth or dare only with truth.”

“I’m all for that but I just have one last thing to say about Jaebum and Youngjae,” BamBam announces. “Do you think they’re sexing it up right now?” Jinyoung looks at his watch.

“Probably,” he estimates. “Go them. I bet they’re having a great time… Oh, first question. When was the last time you had sex?”

“At Christmas,” Mark answers calmly from his leant back position in the chair.

“Oh yeah, Beth,” Jinyoung shares because he senses all the pressing questions that are bubbling up within the unknowing three.

“Who’s Beth?” Jackson asks.

“A girl I know in America. When I go there on holiday we have sex,” Mark shrugs.

“Like friends with benefits?” Yugyeom asks curiously. He is at the very edge of his seat as he listens to the conversation.

“Yes, I’d say so.” Yugyeom nods at this reply with a look of utter awe in his eyes. If the others have not figured out what his answer to the question in turn is going to be yet, they all know now. Of course, Jackson and BamBam have always known and find his reaction very much revealing as well.

Jinyoung is next. “Neither of us are ones for going home with someone every time we went out like Jaebum usually did yet my last time was earlier this year with a girl I had met a few times at the same bar,” Jinyoung smirks his signature smirk. “She was cute.” Mark detects something behind the smirk.

“Mhm, you like her.”

“I haven’t talked to her since.”

“That doesn’t mean you don’t think about her. You’re too soft for one-night stands, Jinyoung. We all know that,” Mark teases and receives a smack on the shoulder.

“Let’s move on. Yugyeom, your turn.” Yugyeom goes red in the face and BamBam puts a hand on his knee.

“Uh, I haven’t.” The expected mocking and laughter is not what he is met with but rather smiles and Jinyoung muttering “how cute” to himself. It takes Yugyeom by surprise and he sinks into his chair in continued embarrassment. The warm reaction is almost worse because Yugyeom is so unsure how to respond to it. He ends up thanking them with his eyes glued to his knees where BamBam’s hand returns to.

“No need. We would never judge you for that.” Every time Jinyoung opens his mouth he comes off as free, elated and renewed.

“Your turn,” Yugyeom says with his eyes on BamBam. Bambam laughs because his answer is uncomfortable even for himself and he would rather say that his answer is the same as Yugyeom’s than saying his own.

“Well, you know Mrs Cho, the science teacher?” Yugyeom and Jackson muffle their laughter while Mark and Jinyoung stare like they have never stared before because Mrs Cho is about 50 and there is no way. “Not her, her daughter,” BamBam explains as quickly as the others misunderstood. The balloon deflates but there is still a whole story to tell. “I didn’t know before the day after. We were staying at her place cause she was alone but while we were sleeping she had come home unexpectedly and so when we went into the kitchen that morning… Let’s just say that is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.” They all laugh, even the two that have heard the story before.

“Even worse than being pissed up and down the leg by your drunk friend,” Yugyeom reminds him and he earns a glare from BamBam.

“Were you dating her daughter?”

“Yeah but it was short. It didn’t work out as funny as that would have been. Now I avoid Mrs Cho as much as I can. She was there tonight with her daughter.”

“Did you talk to her again?” Jackson eagerly asks. He has kept surprisingly quiet this entire time.

“Yeah.”

_“Hello, Mrs Cho.”_

_“Good evening, Kunpimook, are you a part of the play?” Her tone is strained and she is obviously trying extremely hard to suppress the memory of BamBam in a t-shirt and a pair of boxers with his hand around her daughter’s waist._

_“BamBam is fine Mrs. All the teachers call me BamBam and, yes, Mrs, I’m in costumes. I work backstage.”_

_“Mum, I got some salted peanuts from- BamBam… Hi.” She bites her lip as a blush forms on her cheeks. BamBam guesses she is doing exactly what her mother was just doing but with a different set of emotions._

_“Yeah, long time, no see. How have you been?” BamBam tries carefully._

_“I’ve been alright. Studying as usual. You?”_

_“Me too,” BamBam replies. “That and hanging out with my friends. You remember Yugyeom, Jackson and Youngjae, right?” She nods with a small smile on her face._

_“I do. I’m glad to hear you’re doing well. Are you a part of this production?”_

_“Costumes,” he replies with a bit of wit added to the word as one does when they joke with someone who knows them well enough to get a one-liner as simple as that._

_“Oh, yeah, I should have guessed,” she chuckles. “Good luck, BamBam. I might see you around.” She does a sloppy salute just like how they used to say goodbye. BamBam returns it with a reminiscing smile._

_“Bye for now.”_

“She wants you,” Mark chuckles at the obviousness of the situation. BamBam shrugs shyly and now it is Yugyeom’s turn to hit BamBam’s shoulder. Their eyes turn to Jackson as he looks down at his hands.

“Six or seven months ago, with this girl I met at a café and hung out with for a while. It wasn’t nice.”

“Wasn’t nice how?” Jinyoung asks with worried suspicion written across his face. BamBam and Yugyeom glance at each other with confusion. They knew about the girl but they have never heard him say that the sex _wasn’t nice_ with hurt and discomfort radiating off of him.

“Uhm, only Youngjae knows about this… I, uh, I didn’t always want to when she did…”

“Did she force you?” BamBam asks with a rare severity on his face.

“I didn’t protest. I just said no,” Jackson pulls his legs up against his chest and hugs them. His eyes stare out at the city and his ears focus on the street’s sounds. “I said no a couple of times but I let her.” He swallows hard and remembers the feeling of being under the control of someone else’s reign. He remembers all the convincing he did on himself and how much he thought he loved her. The regret runs through him like poison in his veins. “Manipulation,” he mumbles. “I was stupid.” His knuckles turn white before his friends assemble around him; Mark on one side, Yugyeom on the other and in front of him with arms leaning on his now pushed down legs are BamBam and Jinyoung.

“It’s like being trapped without knowing, unhappy without knowing. It’s like a constant dark cloud over your head and it keeps cutting through you so lightly that you barely notice before the wound is too deep to simply back out. I feel so foolish.” Jackson’s jaw clenches as he concentrates on the tears that threaten to fall.

When he talked to Youngjae at the end of the relationship, he was not the one to initiate it; Youngjae had noticed that something was way off with the way Jackson was smiling. He had ended up realising everything like the storm that had been lurking in his mind broke out. Then he had cried into Youngjae’s shoulder all night and fallen asleep there with Youngjae rocking him back and forth. It was no more than a week later that she had said goodbye to Jackson after his attempts at standing up for himself. It had taken a very short time to get over her which gave Jackson the final confirmation that he didn’t love her properly, only in his head, not in his heart. She came back three days later wanting to speak alone and he had leant up against the windowsill and for some reason, he had pulled her closer. She gave her apology for about two out of the million issues she had been the reason for. They talked and cried for about an hour as the feelings rushed through Jackson. This was the first and last time Jackson saw her well up. Although she had shown him that she could give in to emotions, Jackson still declined her offer of getting back together with one flat kiss goodbye and a promise never to tell anyone about their meeting.

He told Youngjae the next day and then his happiness returned like a glorious slap in the face and he learnt to use his experience to make fewer mistakes in the future, yet some parts of their relationships still hunt him like the lack of understanding the meaning of the word _stop_.

 _The kindest people have the darkest secrets_. Why? Jackson asks himself each time he remembers these words. Maybe because kindness is giving towards even the darkest darkness that tends to lurk behind every corner and hide behind deceitful faces with manipulative lips that cynically become masters of seduction to which kindness becomes the victim.

_Fool me once._

Does Jackson fear that Jaebum is the same? Yes, less and less every day, but yes. What keeps him from stopping Youngjae’s commitment to Jaebum is the love that Jaebum has shown through actions and, most of all, his eyes which glow with a gentleness that never felt present in her eyes when she told Jackson she loved him. Her icy fingers were disguised by the warm touch that did not understand the true meaning of Sensuality, Selflessness and least of all; Love.

_Fool me twice._

His feet find ground as he looks around at old friends and new friends. “But it’s okay now. I have no fear, only a little regret. It will pass when my lips are touched by someone who also understands love and the great impact of it.” His words would be commented on as overly dramatic if not they rung with experience and wisdom that exceeds any normal 19-year-old.

“Jackson.” It’s Mark whose voice has never been this gentle. Jackson turns his head and there is a pair of lips ever so carefully pushed, no, placed, against his. It is not pity nor is it romantic. It is simply love. As softly as they came, just as softly they go. There are three seconds of nothingness and then BamBam with possibly the most beautiful lips any of them have ever seen follows Mark’s lead. They feel as plump as they look in the softness of a kiss in the name of friendship. Jinyoung follows suit and completely unexpectedly nothing about it feels off. Little Yugyeom goes last and to an outsider, this must look like a cult-like initiation ceremony but there on the balcony they all feel the pain of seeing a loved one in even greater pain; one they cannot fix yet have done their best job to dim.

“Thank you,” Jackson whispers and Jinyoung carefully dries his cheeks with his motherly hands and meets his fragile look the warmest he can until the last bit of coldness has run away with the warm spring breeze. It has been particularly warm this spring and they all have a good guess as to why that is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it? ;)  
> Also if anyone wants to see me being dumb in America I have vlogs :-----))))))) I can't believe I'm willingly putting this here:  
> https://www.youtube.com/user/MOmymiddlename  
> There are also some greatly embarrassing videos of me dancing to Dally and She Is in a green tracksuit, oh wow. Lit... I'm the short-haired one btw ;)


	30. Joyous Joking

**Epilogue day 1 Saturday**

A low grumble breaks the peaceful silence of his boyfriend’s bedroom. The owner of this tired sound searches for the nearest watch; his phone, and he grumbles again at the 8:04 on the lit-up phone screen. He squints his eyes and makes a face before placing his phone back down on the bedside table and burying his face back into his boyfriend’s available neck.

“Good morning,” his boyfriend mumbles.

“It’s 8 in the morning. We’re not moving an inch,” he grumbles as he grabs a tighter hold of the other boy’s waist. He adds a squeeze that causes a tiny squeak from the receiver.

“Fine by me,” his boyfriend mutters into the softness of the dark locks next to him. “I would stay here forever if you would want me to.” His boyfriend's lips drip words that taste of honey and his hand is gingerly caressing the face of his favourite boy. He starts by the chin and moves slowly up towards the two moles above his one eye. He hums sweetly at the soft touch but is cut off halfway by a loud banging on the locked door. It shocks them both into a moment of paralysation. “We’re sleeping,” his boyfriend yells as loudly as he can but considering the bliss of sleepiness he was just in, that is not very loud.

“Rise and shine lover boys.” It’s his boyfriend’s brother. His boyfriend scoffs and pulls him closer. There is another knock and his boyfriend is starting to get annoyed.

“Just go for a damn run and leave us alone.”

“Leave them alone, you idiot.” It’s his boyfriend’s sister this time. Thank god for her, he thinks as it quiets down outside the bedroom door.

“He just had to ruin the mood,” his boyfriend growls as he attempts to return to it with all his powers. The effort is flattering so he cuts him some slack.

“Let’s just get up. It’s fine.” He kisses the other’s nose for extra reassurance and gets a grumble in return. He doesn’t take it personally. They both know how much they would have liked that morning after-moment to last longer but it’s okay, he was wanting to brush his teeth anyways to spare his boyfriend from the morning breath.

“How are you feeling?” His boyfriend slings his legs out of bed and he can easily imagine the meeting between a cool floor and warm toes.

“Quite content, except for being woken up by your brother.” He steals a little kiss on the cheek as he moves his legs out on either side of his boyfriend’s for the most skin on skin contact available to him. “You?” His lips seek out the same cheek again.

“I’m great. A bit sore but that’s not so surprising considering how long it’s been.”

“How long has it been exactly?” His curiosity is peaking now and he has actually wanted to clarify whether or not that one shitty boyfriend was the only one he has had sex with.

“Well over a year. I didn’t have any sex in between him and you.” He responds with a hum as his suspicions are confirmed. He feels a sting of sadness that the man who has made him see light in this world had to lose his virginity to a bastard like he did but he also takes pride in the fact that he gets to, hopefully, not give him the same experience. After all that and so long in between, his boyfriend let him have him the way he did and he cherishes that more than he can even fathom.

“You know, I love and care for you so much. I promise to be the best I can be so you’ll never leave me.” His boyfriend chuckles at the sudden outburst of emotion.

“Why would I ever leave you?” His boyfriend squeezes his hand and the wave of emotion does anything but stop him from crushing his chuckling boyfriend in a tight hug with his cheek pressed up against his back. “I’ve dated about five guys only two of which turned into an actual relationship and you’re the cutest one of them.”

“I’ve dated more girls than I can remember because you’ve taken up all the space they used to fill up in my mind and more.” His words are genuine in the sense that he is about as lovestruck as one can get and he can tell his boyfriend knows that. It feels secure to be trusted so much. The responsibility that follows is one he will gladly take on.

“You’re Im Jaebum and I made Im Jaebum fall in love with me. I often ask myself how,” his boyfriend thinks out loud.

“You’re just that irresistible.”

Before they go down to grab some breakfast, they put on sweatpants, Jaebum borrows a pair, because Youngjae is not keen on having a similar experience to BamBam’s infamous Mrs Cho incident. Although, now he thinks he might because Jaebum looks mighty fine in sweatpants and a tight black tank top. His hair still bears evidence of the magnificent night’s sleep and Youngjae finds his crude beauty hard to resist – and so does his apparently spirited dick.

“Shit, you look good,” he says as he grabs Jaebum’s arm to prevent him from unlocking the bedroom door. Jaebum is quick to notice, even through the baggy sweatpants.

“And that’s a problem I see.” His smirk is annoying Youngjae as much as it is making matters even worse. “Can we do something about it? Your whole family is home and awake at 8 in the morning apparently.” Youngjae closes his eyes because attempting to divert his eyes from Jaebum was more or less impossible. “Think of something that turns you off.” Something about the way Jaebum finishes that sentence tells Youngjae that he got some idea Youngjae won’t like. “Or, I could take advantage of this situation and find out how dirty you really are.” Jaebum takes a step closer. “You said you’d done the harness business but the flat way you told me that story tells me that you’re hiding something. Did you actually kind of like it?” Youngjae whimpers and the air hits Jaebum’s chin. “Or maybe you’d like someone else in one? Me, maybe?” He cocks his head to the side arrogantly.

“Jaebum, please,” he whimpers with his eyes still closed. “You’re abusing your power. It’s unfair.” Jaebum gives up and plants an innocent kiss on Youngjae’s lips.

“I’m sorry. What can I do to help?” Youngjae eyes him like what he just said was incredibly stupid, and it was. Even Jaebum knows what he can do to help but even after last night he is afraid to ask, he is afraid to mention it. “Yeah, okay, bear with me. I’m not really used to this whole thing yet.” Youngjae’s alienating glare turns into an adoring look.

“You don’t need to do anything, I just found the question kind of funny. I’m sorry.” Jaebum is so flustered all Youngjae can do is kiss him. “Sorry. Just give me a minute to calm down and we can go down.” Jaebum takes his hand and smiles sympathetically.

“I can help if you want but you have to be quiet. I know volume is your thing,” he jokes and Youngjae slaps his arm with a look of resent that dissolves quickly.

“It’s okay. Your stupidity was enough distraction.”

Youngjae only takes a few moments to gather himself and Jaebum’s hand in his before they can leave the room without worrying over any possible embarrassing incidents. “Good morning,” Youngjae announces as they enter the kitchen where his family is sitting by the table eating breakfast. “Why are you all up so early?”

“We wanted breakfast to be ready before you two came down because we figured you’d be hungry,” Youngjae’s mother says with a glow of freshness that a newly awoken person finds a lot harder to achieve.

“If it weren’t for my dickhead of a brother, you wouldn’t have had to be up this early to do that.”

“No worries kiddos. Both of you, come sit.” Her eyes meet Jaebum’s with a kind smile but he is flustered by the situation; one he has not been in before and has to figure out how to navigate in it without screwing up. He goes with smiling back, although delayed, seems a perfectly normal way to react. His mind is glitching and finds anything he does weird or wrong in some sense. He has never had a panic attack and hopes this is not it. It is probably just plain old overreacting. Once Youngjae’s hand leaves his to grab the food laid out on the dining table, Jaebum grabs hold of his thigh for something, anything of Youngjae to hold. The action surprises Youngjae with which he turns his head and finds a scared boyfriend next to him. In secret, he smiles at him and grabs the hand on his thigh. Without words, he attempts to tell him to relax, that there is nothing to be afraid of.

“Tell Jaebum about your hippie days in Europe,” Youngjae suggests and his siblings groan. Not again is also Youngjae’s usual response but today their story is useful.

“That’s a long time ago now. We were 20 and had just finished school. We needed to get away, we craved that change. Our parents and everyone else we knew called us crazy but we knew we could do it because we loved each other.” They smile at each other like their love has never lessened since then. “We were gone for a whole year and we saw so much and made so many friends that we still speak to today. I wouldn’t call us hippies but we were definitely inspired by the previous decade's way of thinking. We adored the freedom that we had and I think the trip also strengthened our relationship in many ways. We felt inseparable.” His mother beams at the two of them as if she sees some of the same strength in the two boys in front of her.

“Still do,” his father adds but the look in their eyes has already confirmed that. Even Youngjae’s older siblings smile at their parents’ unconditional love. Jaebum’s hand is growing damp on Youngjae’s thigh. He has relaxed about the situation and tensed back up again. There is nothing scary about Youngjae’s parents but he still feels a sting as he remembers his own mother who has to be all alone when he isn't there. He swallows hard. Youngjae regrets his suggestion.

“How’d you like spending time with my mum yesterday?” Youngjae’s father claps his hands together with excitement spreading onto his whole face.

“She is such a wonderful person. She told us so many stories and her work is simply amazing. If she would like me to, I’m thinking of recommending her to the company I work for. We are expanding and are gonna be looking for an architect soon.” Jaebum’s eyes light up and he nods.

“She is finishing up a big project so she will be available soon.” Jaebum speaks with a passion that he only unlocks for his mother and it is heart-warming to witness. He suddenly looks five years old with glistening eyes and head nodding at a comical speed. “I think she would love that. Thank you.” Youngjae’s father smiles.

“It’s really no problem. She is very talented.” Jaebum leans his head shyly onto Youngjae’s shoulder.

“Oh, and we also arranged for a monthly dinner so we can get to know each other better and because she and I accidentally planned the whole thing in a passionate discussion about food,” Youngjae’s mother explains and his father laughs. “We’ll switch every month starting at our place.” Youngjae’s father sees the funny look on the boys’ faces and reacts.

“I told them to ask you two first. You’re the connection between us after all.” Jaebum and Youngjae look at each other and chuckle. Their mothers have the same kind of overwhelming excitement that can be a bit too hasty at times but is also very charming and something that Youngjae has many traces of within his high-spirited character.

Conversation flows at the Saturday breakfast and Jaebum gets caught up in a discussion about music with Youngjae’s father. “This is really good for him,” Youngjae smiles as he watches his father and Jaebum playing the guitar through the wide doorframe that separates the kitchen from the living room. “He needs stability.”

“Sweetheart, I think you’ve already given him plenty of that.”

“What do you mean?”

“His mother told me yesterday that he has come home after practice these days with a huge smile on his face. He talks a lot more and he comes off more centred than he has been since his dad died. She believes that it’s all because of you.”

“What did she base that on?”

“When he comes home and talks to her you are always somewhere to find in the stories and something about his face just lights up at the mention of your name.” Youngjae smiles at this and diverts his eyes back to Jaebum now in possession of the guitar. There is eye contact.

“Youngjae, Youngjae,” he sings with a comedic tone yet it is heart-fluttering for Youngjae to listen to his astonishing voice singing his name. “You’re great on the stage, great on the street, great in the shee- I mean- never mind. The point is you’re cute.” His improvised song has Youngjae going red in the face and his parents chuckling with Jaebum who just made an intentional reference to their very new sex life in front of his parents. He sinks into his chair and makes a weird squeaking sound. “Sorry. That was purely for entertainment purposes,” Jaebum explains jokingly with his hands lifted in the air in defence. While Youngjae is boiling in his own embarrassment, he also manages to notice just how comfortable Jaebum has become. He is charismatic and full of smiles that he is more than happy to give out. He is having fun in this otherwise awkward social situation and is actually the one carrying it at times. Youngjae finds a proud expression to switch the embarrassment with. He can see what Jaebum’s mum meant. A happy Jaebum is Youngjae’s favourite Jaebum.

Ringing from Youngjae’s trouser pocket shocks him out of his thinking. Of course, it’s Jackson. He knew before he had looked at the caller ID. Jackson wants to know everything and by everything, he means every tiny dirty detail and the line of questions will be endless. “Hi, Jack.”

“Otter, how are you?” Youngjae picks up on the nervousness behind the excited question and decides not to ask him to call back later but instead take the call in his room. “I’m fantastic, Jackson. You don’t need to worry at all anymore. Jaebum is downstairs playing the guitar and chatting with my parents and everyone is happy.” “And last night?” “Best I’ve ever had,” Youngjae blurts out with joy. Jackson huffs out air in relief and returns to his loud and laughing self. “I didn’t even have to guide him that much. We were both kind of nervous and I could tell he was afraid he would do something wrong so I just gave him the quick course and he caught on pretty quickly. It’s not like it’s that different from other sex he’s had. It works the same way.”

“So, moans? Can I get a rating on all the scales?”

“They changed as we got on with it. At first, they were quiet and breathier than they later became. Oh my blessed ears, he’s a groaner too. Soon they got kind of louder and deeper and he started hissing too. At the end, it was this uncontrollable deep sound that was kind of choppy like he lost all the air in his lungs for a second. It was really sexy.” Jackson squeals in response.

“Guess my next question and I’ll buy you coffee next time we go on a gossip date.”

“His dick is not bad, not bad at all. It was girthy, you know I like that,” Youngjae explains and bites his lower lip that still has faint marks from Jaebum’s greedy teeth. “It wasn’t overwhelmingly long, thank god, but it was a good size… About my size but girthier.”

“Oooh, free coffee for you! And that’s not bad at all.”

“He knows your size?” Youngjae almost drops the phone out of his hand as he jumps in surprise and all the hairs on his body rise in shock.

“Jaebum, holy fuck, you scared me.” He chuckles. “You heard that?” He nods and Jackson yells out an “oh,” before breaking into a fit of laughter. He gets put on speaker.

“Hi Jackson,” Jaebum says and even Jackson can hear the smirk through the phone.

“Stop smirking this instance and before you ask again; yes, I have seen his dick. We’ve been friends for ages it’s not that weird. Erect, though? No. I’ve seen his bulge once cause we got drunk with Yugyeom and BamBam once and decided to watch porn for the laughs. Oh, and I think there have been a few morning wood instances after sleepovers but that can happen to even the best of them and-” He gets stopped here by Youngjae half yelling and half whining his name to beg him to stop the rambling that has only made Jaebum’s smirk grow larger and larger.

“I don’t hate you much but right now I don’t have much love left for you.”

“I’m hurt,” Jackson acts.

“My favourite China Man, why don’t we talk over coffee one of the next days so we can end this before you say more.” He huffs over the phone but agrees.

“Bye lovebirds. Love you both.”

“Love you,” Youngjae sings and they hang up which leaves a strange silence in the room. How comfortable that silence is, really depends on which person in the room you are.

“Not bad? Is that the review I get?” The smirk has not yet left his face.

“In case you aren’t familiar with 'tone of voice', mine was indicating that the ‘not bad’ is actually ‘really fucking mind-blowing’. If you had started eavesdropping earlier you would have heard me call you the best I’ve ever had and your moans got a full-on analysis that ended with a very high score.” Now Youngjae is the one to share more than needed and Jaebum only grows more amused as he gets to know more.

“You’re fucking adorable,” he chuckles as his hands slide under Youngjae’s t-shirt and loosely hold onto the skin on his hips. His lips find Youngjae’s neck where he leaves a trail of wet kisses. It takes a lot not to forget the outside world, the one right outside his bedroom door that is not even shut completely but with a slither of space for a potential parent to walk by and look through. Youngjae cuts loose from the bliss and the stars disappear from his view.

“I swear you’re out to kill me. This is classic demonic behaviour.”

“Phenex has worn off on me.”

“It’s been intense. I finally feel like I can relax.” They can both feel the aftereffects of the work they have put into that one night. Their exhaustion is completely different from anything they have experienced before and they still feel crazy for getting up at 8. _Idiot brother_. “Nap?” Jaebum grins.

“Nap.”

**Epilogue day 2 Monday**

It feels like a long time ago Youngjae has felt this free, certainly so early on a Monday morning. He has been thinking about how solved all his problems have become and the worries have become smaller because he sees strength in himself like he never has and he thinks to himself that he has reached the ultimate level of self-confidence. Youngjae loves to love himself because it makes it a lot easier to give out of some of it and he will need a lot for both Mark, Jackson, Jinyoung, BamBam, Yugyeom and, of course, his very own Jaebum who is coming into view now. He has been waiting by the main entrance to the school building. Jackson comes out from inside and stands next to Jaebum.

“Good morning, sunshine.” They share a quick kiss and turn a few heads that Jackson manages to intimidate with his piercing glances. Jackson invented the word loyal so, of course, he gets a hug.

“Sunshine indeed. How was the penis- I mean weekend?” Jackson asks with a smirk that, if it were not already clear, shows them that the slip-up was intentional.

“Both good, thank you,” Youngjae replies and bites his lip as they laugh. “How was yours? And I mean weekend, thank you very much.”

“You know, on Friday when you two were having your fun, the rest of us got to know each other better. It got really deep even though we were talking about the last person we’d slept with.” Youngjae’s mouth makes an ‘o’ shape and he squeezes Jackson’s hand. “Our friends are the best though. Thank god for us. I would not survive this world without you guys.” Youngjae beams and kisses his best friend’s cheek.

“Me neither.”

“Yeah, Jackson, thank you,” Jaebum peeps from beside Youngjae. His gaze moves around awkwardly and Youngjae’s hand is getting squished in his grip. “Thank you for dealing with the mess I’ve made. I hope you think of me as a friend now and in the future.” Jackson nods and does a little excited spin.

“Of course, Jaebummie. I will always love you.” Jaebum sighs but there is happiness to trace in the sound.

“Aren’t we the cutest,” Jinyoung comments as he pops up next to Jackson. They all jump in surprise and Jackson puts a dramatic hand on his heart.

“Yah!”

“I’m gonna go to Korean class now. I’ll continue this sentimental streak with Yugyeom there. See you in the breaks boys,” Youngjae announces and turns down the hallway to his classroom.

Jinyoung and Mark have already heard the story of Friday night but keep seeking out more information with the hopes that it was a lot better than “Yeah, it was really good. He is as loud as Jackson made it seem.”

Jinyoung: _Come on Bum. There must be more to it. We want to know more! This is special._

Jaebum: _It was…_

Jaebum: _Interesting_

Mark: _How?_

Jaebum: _New but not in the physical sense cause that is more or less just like sleeping with a girl. The mechanics are the same thing but emotionally it was very overwhelming._

Jinyoung: _Yeeees?????_

Jaebum: _I’ve_ _never_ … _Made love before. Does that make sense?_

Mark _: Of course, it does._

Jinyoung: _Yeah, we get it. Don’t worry._

Jaebum: _It’s not really about him being a guy. It’s just about him being him. It was special and completely unique from anything I’ve ever felt before._

Jaebum: _And for real, he’s loud._

Jinyoung: _How loud?_

Jaebum: _Honestly, I was wondering if the neighbours could hear us._

Jaebum: _Well, I wondered afterwards. I was pretty caught up while it was happening._

Mark: _Cute_ _:3_

Jinyoung: _IKR!?_

Jaebum: _uwu and all that crap._

Jinyoung: _Hahaha, you finally get it!_

Jaebum: _You know we’ve been friends for too long when I could literally hear your laugh while reading that._

Jinyoung: _ >.<_

Mark: _I could even picture the hand in front of your mouth._

Jinyoung: _I’m gonna come after you two in the break._

Jaebum: _Shit we better hide._

Jinyoung: _You can run but you can’t hide from me, Im Jaebum._

Mark: _There’s a new group chat with everyone. BamBam started it._

**_Got7_ **

Youngjae: _Why Got7?_

BamBam: _Because we’re 7 people so this group has got 7 members. Get it?_

Yugyeom: _It was my idea._

Youngjae: _That was what you were texting BamBam about. From the look on your face, I thought you were planning to take over the world._

Jackson: _I guess that name was just THAT hard to think of._

Jaebum: _Crazy7 would be a much more accurate name._

Youngjae: _Hi Bummie <3_

Jaebum: _Hi Jae <3_

BamBam: _What have I started? Get me out of here._

Jinyoung: _I think it’s cute._

Jackson: _So, I guess it’s true that Mark is as quiet in group chats as he is in real life._

Jinyoung: _I’d call him more of an observer than a participant. I bet one day he’s gonna come out with some great social studies research project that is all based on us and we had no idea about it._

Jackson: _I would not be surprised._

Mark: _:3_

Yugyeom: _I’m bored. Korean is so boring._

Youngjae: _Maybe if you tried to keep up in class it would be a lot more interesting. >.>_

Yugyeom: _:(_

Jaebum: _I’m getting evil glares from my teacher so I’ll get going now._

Youngjae: _Bye xx_

Jaebum: _xoxo_

Jinyoung: _Youngjae, you have to tell me how you do that._

Youngjae: _Do what?_

Jinyoung: _Make Jaebum like that. He’s never been so soft in his entire life._

Jackson: _He’s under the spell of looooove._

BamBam: _You’re so cheesy._

Mark: _You really are._

Jackson: _I’m being attacked so I’ll be gone. >:(_

Youngjae: _See you later <3_

Jackson: _Love you boo <3_

Yugyeom: _Boo? Really?_

BamBam: _You know Jackson._

Yugyeom: _I definitely know Jackson! Lol!_

Jinyoung: _You’re cute Yugyeom._

Jinyoung: _I’m gonna end up regretting I said that._

BamBam: _He’s the devil in disguise. You’re fucked now._

Yugyeom: _Hehehehe_

Youngjae: _Pay attention, Yug, or I’ll take your phone from you._

Yugyeom: _But everyone else is doing it too!! :(((((_

Youngjae lifts an eyebrow at Yugyeom (he finally learnt how to do that) and like a tiny scared bunny he rushes away from the glare.

Yugyeom: _Bye guys :/_

Youngjae: _Good boy <3_

BamBam: _I guess we’re going back to actually paying attention. See you at lunch._

Mark: _Lunch :)_

Jinyoung: _See ya then!_

The clock strikes for a short break which is when BamBam and Yugyeom pass each other and something small and rattling is sneakily exchanged in a discreet touch of hands. Meanwhile, Jaebum’s hand gets its own discreet contact with Youngjae’s soft bum as he catches up to him in the crowded hallway.

“Oh my god.”

“Sorry not sorry.” He plants a quick kiss on Youngjae’s temple before they part ways again.

Jackson: _You’re not as sneaky as you think, Jaebum. I saw that._

Jaebum: _Hope you enjoyed the show ;)_

Jackson: _Ew, pervert._

Youngjae looks behind him and finds Jackson furiously typing. He is probably calling Jaebum more names in the group chat. “You ready for P.E., Jack?” He looks up with a big cheeky grin and catches up to Youngjae. Yugyeom spins the smuggled item in his pocket between his fiddling fingers. Holding on to secrets is fun but the smile that could put someone on his trail is a war to hold back and he begins to feel nervous. He just needs to hold it in until Friday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff :3 I hope you enjoyed that. I'm gonna shoot for two more chapters and hope I can finish it off with that. <3


	31. Reminiscing Revisits

**Epilogue day 6 Friday**

Yugyeom manages to pull BamBam to the side as he comes out from his classroom to enjoy lunch outside.

“This is really hard. You know I’m horrible at this.” BamBam does not come off shocked but rather annoyed and brings his hands up to his temples with a sigh.

“I told you any of us would gladly switch jobs with you.”

“No, I want to do this.”

“Then get it together.”

“Are you even sure Jaebum is allowed to drive the thing?” His hand is wrapped firmly around the secret in his pocket.

“Mark told me he has a licence but that he rarely uses it. You were there when I asked, Yugyeom. How nervous are you?”

“Sorry. I’m just afraid that this will go wrong and that it will be my fault.”

“The plan is simple, it’s basically idiot proof AND Yugyeom proof. You’ll be fine and Mark is going with you.” They high five and nod at each other. The confidence that BamBam has rubs off on Yugyeom just enough to get him through lunch that is a silent pain for him. The happily oblivious Jaebum and Youngjae are energetic and playful. Once they have finished their food they run around in the grass with whoever is down to play; Jackson mainly.

Yugyeom more or less sets off into a sprint at the end of his last class resulting in him waiting for Mark for several minutes at the other side of the road from their school. “Ready?” Mark asks with a façade that almost cracks because Yugyeom is so nervous that it becomes humorous and adorable.

Jackson, Jinyoung and BamBam are working on getting Jaebum and Youngjae exactly where they want them at the right time. BamBam rolls his eyes at the thought of Yugyeom being nervous about his job when they are the ones who have to act and be convincing for an extended period of time.  

Jaebum is harder to get to take the bait than Youngjae but BamBam suspects it is solely because The China Man got a hold of him and he has a degree in Youngjae behavioural studies. “Let’s find Youngjae,” BamBam goes with in the end and simple as that, Jaebum follows Jinyoung and BamBam outside of the school grounds.

“Told you it would be as easy as that. He’s as snatched as Jackson says,” Jinyoung whispers carefully to BamBam.

“Then why didn’t you say anything,” BamBam hisses. Being the organiser of a surprise with these people is even more stressful than trying to get Youngjae and Jaebum into new full costumes in less than a minute. Jinyoung is wearing his famous laid-back smirk with his arms crossed. “Full of yourself,” he huffs at the arrogance Jinyoung shows.

“What are you hissing about?” Jaebum asks and BamBam chuckles bitterly.

“Jinyoung is being an arrogant asshole.”

“Nothing new then,” Jaebum chuckles calmly. “He’s been like that for as long as I’ve known him. I doubt it’s ever gonna change.”

BamBam texts Jackson who says he is standing outside of school and can confirm that Mark and Yugyeom have left the area. Jaebum meets Youngjae with a clueless smile and a soft kiss. “Hey love,” he greets with his arm hooking its way around the back of Youngjae’s neck.

“Hi there,” Youngjae replies softly.

“Okay cuties, let’s go.” They follow BamBam to Youngjae’s house.

“Why are we all at my house? And why are there all these beach chairs out front?”

“Just sit,” BamBam commands, finally content that everything worked out as intended with Mark and Yugyeom on the way and their surprisees in position. Jaebum and Youngjae are at the suspicious stage where they begin to ask a lot of impatient questions. The three others keep their answers short, simple and without substance until a low rumbling starts low before it soars closer and closer and answers their questions or possibly just gives them more. BamBam cannot hide his knowing smile any longer and soon enough two helmet-wearing bikers stop in front of Youngjae’s house on an amazing motorcycle. Jaebum’s jaw drops. The model is one of the best in the business and it looks brand new. The helmets come off and reveal two familiar grins; Mark and Yugyeom.

Jaebum gets up from the beach chair and stands there in complete confusion and wonder. “What the fuck?” He mutters. Youngjae immediately looks to BamBam who smiles and gets up.

“It’s yours for the night. Have fun.”

“But we can’t drive it?” Youngjae is still stuck in confusion.

“I can.” Jaebum turns to Youngjae whose confusion has grown even bigger and he doubts his face can get any more scrunched up. “I never told you. I don’t own a motorcycle and I guess it just never came up in conversation. I got my license as soon as I was able to with Mark and Jinyoung and I’ve actually been itching to go on a ride for a while.” He looks over at BamBam. “Did you arrange this?” He nods with pride to trace within his smile.

“A gift from us to you. I’m sorry we couldn’t give it to you full time but one day’s lend is all we can offer.”

“This is more than enough! Thank you!” In the midst of Jaebum’s excitement stands a sceptic Youngjae with an eye on the growling chunk of metal on wheels that he is supposed to sit on the back of.

“I’m going on that?” Youngjae points with terror written across his features in permanent ink.

“Don’t be afraid. You’ll be holding onto me the whole time,” Jaebum smiles as he caresses the black leathered seats like they are a purring cat.

“You can go wherever you want as long as it’s back in 24 hours,” BamBam explains proudly. “You can just leave the motorcycle by your door and we’ll take it back.”

“Why are you doing this for us?” Jaebum asks basically ready to take off.

“Because we figured you’d like a date before exams kick off and we’re all going to be stressing around.”

“That’s sweet of you,” Youngjae blushes and goes around to hug everyone before he ends up standing next to the motorcycle. “But I would probably have liked it more if we didn’t have to ride on this thing.” He nervously rubs his neck as he glances from his friends to the bike and then to Jaebum.

“I told you not to worry. I’m very careful and you have a helmet. Put it on.” The helmet lands in his hands and he puts it on unwillingly. “Thanks, guys. I think I know how to get him on board,” Jaebum chuckles. “I’m taking you somewhere I know you love.” He throws his leg over the motorcycle and Youngjae follows suit. His arms reach all the way around Jaebum where they connect for the strongest hold he can manage. Only Jaebum waves because Youngjae’s arms are not going anywhere until they stand still again.

Youngjae stiffens at the sound of Jaebum’s voice in his ears. It sounds like a cheap radio with many years to its name. “Shocked?” Jaebum sounds amused. “It’s in the helmet so we can speak when driving.” A breathy “okay” leaves Youngjae’s trembling lips. “Now, when I turn you have to lean with me okay?”

“I have to lean?” Youngjae screeches and his grip around Jaebum grows even tighter until Jaebum’s chuckle dies down with lack of air.

“Yes, Youngjae, it’s not difficult. You need to calm down and loosen your grip so I can breathe.” Jaebum listens to the deep breath that Youngjae takes and feels it against his back as he loosens his grip ever so slightly. “Well done. Try to look around you and enjoy the trip. I’m taking you to a place you’ve shown me.”

The change from busy city to suburb and then field after field is more than enough to get Youngjae to catch on and, unbelievably, somewhere between the tall buildings and the little sweet houses, he has come to enjoy the ride. Without noticing, his arms become loose around Jaebum’s waist, something the chauffeur does notice. “Having fun?” Humming meets Jaebum’s ears and it turns into a slow song that Jaebum remembers Youngjae sang to him in his back garden not too long ago. The heaviness of the song has lifted off of Jaebum’s shoulders and instead he, careful not to close his eyes, lets the sound fill his mind like a euphoric rush of his favourite drug. Life feels good right there on the way and Jaebum is reminded that this is how it is supposed to be; life is just as much about enjoying the journey as it is about reaching the destination.

Jaebum takes the speed down and goes slowly down the earthy road and through the cluster of trees to the great hill on the other side. He parks the bike there and they walk to the top hand in hand. The setting is picturesque, draped in every imaginable colour and has possibly turned more beautiful in the time they have been gone. The mild breeze makes sure they stay aware that it is no painting nor a photograph they are looking at. Certainly, it must be the world's utopia and even more so than last time. Youngjae must tell Jaebum how the beauty never fades in this place but rather changes with the seasons. This is where you can sit back and watch the world turn and for once put in great effort not to ruin it. Nature's fragility becomes so clear here and yet mankind's cruelties are forgotten but well remembered on the way back. Surrounded by flowers, a voice pierces through the fields. “What are you boys doing here?” Haejin waves at them from his veranda where he is drinking a cup of coffee with a book in his hands.

“We just came to borrow a tiny part of your huge garden if that’s okay,” Jaebum requests formally. It looks funny from where Haejin is sitting; two boys standing in the middle of the bright flowers, one in front of the other as he very formally asks permission to use the grounds and the other behind him looking bewildered yet at ease.

“Of course, Youngjae knows he’s always welcome and so are you, Jaebum. It’s good to see you two back. Oh, and I thoroughly enjoyed the play.” This catches Youngjae’s attention.

“You were there?” He questions loudly. The two parts are separated by enough field that they have to raise their voices to perfectly hear each other.

“Of course I was there. Do you think I would miss it for the world? I didn’t stay to say hello which I regret but my sister so desperately pushed me to see her as I was finally in town.”

“It’s okay Haejin. I’m just glad you came.” The two parts smile warmly at each other before one finally moves along towards the tree by which Jaebum once had the audacity to kiss Youngjae on the back of his head and pretend it never happened which Youngjae obviously mentions.

“I was following a part of me that I wasn’t fully aware of yet,” Jaebum explains. “I’m sorry that I sent you so many mixed signals.”

“There’s no need to apologise anymore. It’s pretty clear that I’m not holding any grudges against you, isn’t it?”

“I guess not but one can never be certain,” Jaebum hums as he brushes his fingers against the bark on the tree by which they sat last. Jaebum gets comfortable in the grass that is shorter on the other side and Youngjae plops right down between his legs. “Weirdo,” he mutters at Jaebum’s previous comment before he bursts into a laughing fit that has always been something he wondered if were annoying but the adoring eyes that glisten in the sun on Jaebum’s face say it is anything but. Glances like those make Youngjae want to say thank you but those words he keeps to himself in fear that he says them too often. Softness is measured in quantity and as it is with everything else, you can have too much of it. The constant fear that he is on the too much side, burns within him whenever he starts repeating himself because it is hard not to when such a magnificent human being has decided to want exactly you. Shame piles up and he wishes he were a little less of this and that so that Jaebum might love him more and not grow tired of his soft ways.

“Tell me what you’re thinking?” He bites his lip at the sudden question and figures it is his poor skills at keeping thoughts and facial expressions separate – the acting skills are already starting to rust. “There’s something on your mind. We’re on a date and I don’t want you to worry all alone.” He becomes reluctant and fiddles with Jaebum’s shirt. “You can tell me anything.”

“I worry.” As if this were the end of his sentence, he stops there and takes his time to open his mouth again. “That I’m going to become a burden.” The pause here is crucial for Jaebum to understand how haunting this is for Youngjae. “I’m worried you will get tired of me and how I act around you.”

“You mean loving? Tolerant? Trusting? Patient? I’m pretty sure no one would get tired of those traits in a soulmate.” Until Jaebum realises that he used the word soulmate, he chuckles, and then he bites his tongue - hard. “Soulmate,” Youngjae whispers, “I’ve always struggled to fully fathom the meaning of that word but I somehow understand that that is what we are to each other.” He thinks about it for a moment where a gust of wind sends a rush through the flowers and leaves on the tree and the two sitting underneath it. “I guess it means that no matter how insecure I become about being too soft or too boring, you will always laugh at it because my worries have never even crossed your mind as flaws but rather as charms? Because, if so, then you are my soulmate.”

“I think that’s exactly it.” It is impossible not to smile now. “There’s no need to worry about what I think about you. You would be surprised at how soft my thoughts have become now that you’re all over them.” Youngjae sighs in tender relief and positions himself like he did last time they sat here. He feels Jaebum’s front against his back and pulls Jaebum’s arms just barely around him. From here Jaebum has the best access to the back of Youngjae’s neck and his hair where he kisses him just like last time. This time around, however, Jaebum can acknowledge it as a kiss and kiss him again and again and again until he feels enough satisfaction that he can go a few minutes before he must kiss him again.

“What was your mind like last time we were here?” “You really wanna know?” Vibrations from a short hum reach Jaebum’s chest. “I was going everywhere and nowhere all at once. The only times I properly made progress were when you sat me down and talked to me. The conversation we had that day was strange but it must have helped us because that night we had fun and we were able to relax. I think it was a turning point.”

“It was the day we had to start figured out what to do with the things we had thrown at each other's faces.” Jaebum nods shortly before his lips again kiss up and down Youngjae’s neck until he pleads him to stop. “You have to control yourself, Jaebum,” Youngjae laughs merrily while Jaebum mutters something to himself. “What’d you say?” He asks the muttering boy behind him.

“I said that you make it impossible to control myself.” He bites nervously at the shirt on Youngjae’s shoulder. “Hoe,” he mutters.

“What’d you call me?” Youngjae asks with a big grin. He turns properly around and stands up with Jaebum’s collar in his clenched fists. “Do you want trouble, Im Jaebum?” As Youngjae pulls an overly dramatic pose with his fist by his head pointing right at Jaebum’s, the pretend-victim notices that the oh so scary bully has made his fist incorrectly.

“Yes, Choi Youngjae. I want trouble.” His grin is unmistakable; he is about to overrule Youngjae because he dared wander right into Jaebum’s territory and pretend he knows where everything goes. “You need to keep your thumb outside of the fist, kiddo.” He demonstrates. “Like this.” And in no more than a couple of seconds, Jaebum has overpowered Youngjae and is holding him in a grip he would never escape. “Don’t mess with a demon and use his own dirty tricks.” Jaebum raises an eyebrow and Youngjae raises one back. “Hey, you can do it now.”

“I’ve practised.” His smile fades and his face shows signs of wondering. “Can I ask you something?” They fade back into their previous seating situation.

“Shoot.”

“When I asked you who you loved that day and you didn’t say my name, was that because you didn’t then or did you choose not to tell me?”

“I definitely did but I think it was a mix of not being sure and making a choice not to let you know that maybe I thought I did, does that make sense?”

“Perfect sense. Feelings are the most annoying, uncontrollable, illogical, confusing concept that us humans have to try and understand, then accept and either way live with every day of our lives. It’s the choice to control or be controlled by our emotions that make humans unique.”

The sun is low when they decide their stomachs are too empty to stay there in the warmth and comfort of each other’s embrace where they can talk and laugh in complete peace. As they go to say goodbye to Haejin he offers them a meal that their growling stomachs can anything but refuse.

“It’s funny,” Haejin says as he follows them to the door after a fulfilling meal. “It’s almost as if you’re completely different people from last time I saw you. I can tell that happiness has found a place within you both.” He waves them off and the young and in love thank him greatly as they leave.

To a young man who has just gone against his fear of sitting on a motorcycle, coming home to his boyfriend’s empty flat is more than he could have wished for. Everything stands still there and once Youngjae has made his way to his boyfriend’s bed, he is not moving anywhere. With his jacket barely off, he pulls the duvet over his clothed body and when Jaebum enters, he laughs at the sight. “Perfect, stay right there.” Jaebum’s voice fills with a rush of realisation and excitement. Youngjae gets curious as Jaebum rushes around the room but stays put as he has been told; what a good boy. “It’s only a few seconds now.” Jaebum sits down at his music station by the foot of his bed and finds the instrumentals he recently finished on his computer. In the meantime, Youngjae has forgotten all about the existence of these songs and is not expecting Jaebum to put one on and stare into his lap as the intro plays and continues to as his lips begin to move. With words that mean so much and a beautiful voice like his, there is no need for the shyness that is spotting his determination.

Every line rips through something in Youngjae’s chest and it only gets worse and worse.

“I can’t recognise my own heart anymore  
Even though it’s ripped apart already I still look over you  
Even if I want to stop I can’t control myself  
It’s over now  
To live my life without you, baby”

“Jaebum, I,” Youngjae stutters and finally Jaebum looks up. Youngjae moves to the foot of the bed, forgetting all about his idea of staying put. “You wrote that about us?” He nods and looks to be battling with himself as to whether or not he should grab Youngjae’s hand so Youngjae does it for him.

“It’s called Sin… There’s another one that’s nicer… If you want to hear it.” Youngjae nods like you would nod at a child who needs comforting.

Youngjae basically chokes on Jaebum’s words that are too flattering and hardly believable even now as they sit here with their hearts in each other’s hands and nowhere to run because they would much rather stay. Jaebum’s voice is low when he speaks. “I can’t get you off my mind.”

“And I can’t get you off mine. What a perfect coincidence,” he says in a sympathetic tone. “You don’t have to sound like the world is ending when you could hug me, kiss me, fuck me right now and I wouldn’t mind the least little bit.” The smile on Jaebum’s face is Youngjae’s feeling of success. “And you have no idea how honoured I am that the one and only Jaebummie wrote not just one but two songs about me.”

“I’m planning on making that three real soon.” Youngjae leans his elbows on the bed frame in interest.

“Can you make the third one about all the things that make me good in bed?” Youngjae asks cheekily with a smile that is powered by amusement. A smack on the head is deserved, Jaebum decides and they laugh together as Youngjae falls backwards onto the soft mattress and Jaebum jumps on top of him.

“I mean I could,” Jaebum ponders jokingly. “Youngjae, you’re as dirty in the sheets as a” Jaebum stops to think. “demon in his teens?” Youngjae raises an eyebrow now that he can. “I’m improvising here, don’t give me that look.” Jaebum rolls over next to Youngjae and props himself up on one elbow. “I’m gonna stop before I start rhyming about all your noises. I have a feeling it won’t be well received.” Youngjae pushes Jaebum’s chest lightly. “Although it was your idea.”

“Yeah, well I imagined it a little more tasteful and generally less awful.”

“What are you saying?”

“That you shouldn’t waste such a voice and your songwriting skills on shitty rhymes when you can pour your thoughts onto a page and into a song so beautifully as I just witnessed… Before you started making up rhymes about me in bed."

“The other day Mark and Jinyoung gave me a present…” Jaebum looks to a bag tucked under his bedside table. “Uhm, yeah.” Youngjae sits up and reaches down to get it. Without taking the items out of the bag he can tell what they are and he is not surprised considering the topic they were on when Jaebum changed the subject.

“They got lube and condoms for you? How nice. I bet you didn’t think of buying this yourself, did you?"

“I did actually.” Jaebum stands up and pulls open his desk drawer. He moves some stuff out of it and pulls out another packet of condoms and a small bottle of lube. Youngjae pulls out the heavy bottle in the bag and laughs at the comparison.

“Well, we have a lot to work through so we better get started,” Youngjae laughs uncontrollably at their friends’ obvious attempt at being humorous. Unable to resist, Jaebum’s hands begin to roam around Youngjae’s clothed body with determination; there is a goal here that Youngjae has yet to figure out. They do this for a while until it becomes too much and they desperately crave the skin on skin contact that feels almost like an addiction. Jaebum is quick to undress Youngjae and before they know it, Youngjae is naked from head to toe and Jaebum is still wearing his jeans. As Youngjae opens his mouth to address this, Jaebum moves with his same determination down his body and without a single warning, he takes the head of Youngjae’s dick in his mouth. Gasping seems a natural reaction especially when Jaebum has never directly made contact with his dick before. After a few flicks of his tongue and bopping his head up and down, he lets go and looks up with hopeful eyes.

“If you’re asking me if it’s good, then yes. Fuck, I had almost forgotten that feeling.” Casual swearing has become frequent in their relationship and they both find it mildly arousing to put it nicely. “If I didn’t know, I could’ve sworn this wasn’t your first time.” Drunk on the compliment, he goes back down and Youngjae swears he can feel the earth turning and the stars burning. There’s a head of hair to grab onto so he does as he moans the owner’s name. His feet that are wrapped tightly around Jaebum’s waist suddenly hit something; heel against denim. “Get naked and fuck me,” Youngjae demands mid-moan. To say no to such an aching request would be downright sinful so Jaebum makes it happen.

“If anyone claims they’re better at this than us I’ll call them a liar,” Youngjae pants once Jaebum has sloppily rolled off him with heavy movements. He lays on his stomach with one leg thrown sheepishly in between Youngjae’s.

“I agree,” Jaebum slurs as his mouth, disconnected from his brain, kisses Youngjae’s upper arm up and down. “Sexy,” he whispers. “Generous, loving, wise, beautiful. I could go on but I don’t even know why I started.” With a lazy look, his eyes meet Youngjae’s and they share their amusement together in the damp warmth that radiates from them.

“Thanks for a great date.” “Thanks back.” “Thanks back?” “Don’t expect my brain to work after that.” “After what?” “You know what, hoe.” “Stop calling me a hoe.” “Does it bother you, my angel?” “Just stop talking.” “You talked first.” “Hoe.” “If I can’t, you can’t.” “Fair.” “Fair, indeed.” “Where’s your mum?” “I don’t know.” “Call her.” “Why? I’m quite fine right here.” “You won’t be if she barges into your room to say hello to her son and you’re stark naked and sprawled half on top of me.” “Correct.”

The sheets rustle underneath Jaebum as he reaches for his phone and finds his mum’s number. It’s quiet as he waits for her to pick up. “Hi mum, I was just wondering where you are.” Pause. “I’m just at home with Youngjae.” Pause. “Okay, don’t overwork yourself.” Pause. “Are you on your bike?” Pause. “Be careful around the big roads. I can tell you’re exhausted so don’t get into any accidents.” Pause plus a small huff and a smile. “Cool, see you soon mum. Bye.”

“She’s been working all night,” he replies to Youngjae’s beckoning curiosity. “It’s past 10 pm, she does that sometimes. She sounded tired so she’ll be home soon.”

“It’s sweet how much you care about your mum.”

“She’s my family. When my dad had just died, she did her best to show me it was okay to cry but at the same time, she stayed strong for the both of us. We always take care of each other and I owe her so much. She even treats Mark and Jinyoung as her own sons and you too. All my life, she’s been a giving person. Through everything, she keeps her values prioritised and will not bow down to injustice. Imagine how great of a boss she is.” Selflessly, Youngjae nods and grins and makes it stretch to Jaebum who finds himself more in love than he was just moments ago. “They’re all my family; my mum, Jinyoung, Mark and now you.”

“I’m honoured.”

“I am too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's so hard to find a way to end this but I'm working on it.  
> Also, I never mentioned that the songs I've used as Jaebum's are Jaebum's actual songs "Sin" and "Think About You". The song Youngjae hums and also sings earlier in the story is Yayyoung's "Do you feel like you have no one to turn to?" - just thought I'd mention it.


	32. Heaven Hopes

**Epilogue day 7 Saturday**

When Jaebum wakes up and rolls over he is unpleasantly surprised to fall right onto the cold floor instead of bumping into his warm boyfriend. All he hears is his own moaning instead of the usual heavy breathing – the wanted relaxation has been cancelled and Jaebum is being childish about it already. His eyes open but he stays put on the floor while the worst pain from the little fall goes away. “Youngjaeeeeeee,” Jaebum whines as he pulls the sheet off him and aversely leaves the room only in his underwear to follow the sound of faint talking. In the kitchen, Youngjae is in Jaebum’s shorts and hoodie and busy cooking with Jaebum’s mother who is beaming with joy. She always loves bonding with the few people Jaebum allow into their humble home.

“Good morning,” Jaebum grumbles and he gets a kiss on the cheek from both of the present individuals. “What time is it and why are you up?”

“It’s 10:30. You’re acting like it’s 6 am,” Youngjae giggles and Jaebum tickles his side as he passes him. He giggles again and pushes up his glasses that have slid down the bridge of his nose. “Need a hand with anything?” Mother and boyfriend shake their heads no which is more than enough to get Jaebum to take a seat at the table and stay in his slumber for a little longer as more and more food is being placed on the table in front of him.

“Breakfast is served,” Jaebum’s mother calls. “Thanks for helping me out, Youngjae. You are too kind.”

“It was no problem at all. I thoroughly enjoyed our talk.” While the two of them exchange pleasantries, Jaebum stuffs his face with food but when something in Youngjae’s tone sounds suspicious, he pauses.

“What talk? What did you talk about?”

“I was curious, so I asked Youngjae how he had opened you up and it was very interesting to hear about some of your encounters.” Jaebum’s eyes almost pop out of his head as he realises what that holds. “My dear Jaebum, I’m so glad you met Youngjae.” His mother’s loving gaze is enough to make him calm down again before the unexpected doorbell ringing makes everyone jump. His mother goes to get it and comes back a couple of minutes later with five grinning boys right behind her.

“What?” Jaebum asks with his eyebrows furrowed before he suddenly becomes very conscious of his very little coverage and hides behind Youngjae.

“Hi, cuties. Aren’t you pretty in nothing but your underwear, Im Jaebum.” Of course, it is Jackson who has to point it out in front of all of his closest friends, his boyfriend and his mother.

“Aren’t you pretty when you shut your mouth, Jackson Wang,” he rebuttals and his mother gives him a look that Jackson catches and only feeds his grinning face further.

“Why’d you come?” Youngjae asks after having given Jackson the same eyes that Jaebum’s mother gave Jaebum.

“We need the key for the motorcycle,” BamBam speaks up.

“And you need five people to do that?” Jaebum asks with a monotone voice that sounds more intimidating than it is because Jaebum’s annoyed look pulls a darkness over his face under the shadows of his hair that has grown relatively long lately.

“We just thought we’d pay a visit as well and say hello.” Jinyoung smiles at Jaebum’s mother and she shines brightly with love for the boys who have taken great care of Jaebum for so many years.

“Do you want anything?”

“Oh, no, it’s okay. We’ve all eaten,” Mark replies respectfully yet it is clear that he has known her for a long time because he looks comfortable facing Jaebum’s mother as if meeting an old friend.

“I’ll get the key.” Jaebum stands up in his morning attire with an indifferent expression as he has made the decision not to care about the elephant in the room; or rather, the barely clothed boy in the room. Possibly out of habit, Jinyoung and Mark follow him into his room that hits them with a strong smell of sex the second they open the door.

“I’d open a window if I were you,” Mark comments while Jinyoung simply looks amused beyond compare.

“Have fun last night?” Jaebum nods before pulling a hoodie over himself, opening a window and going to look for the key in the pocket of his jacket. The smile that spreads on his face at that question is unmistakable; Jaebum is so in love, it is almost gross.

“I sucked him off.” Jinyoung and Mark just hum in response as if it were normal for Jaebum to blurt out such an unusual confession. “I’ve never felt so wanted in my life. It’s completely foreign for me to be so sure about someone else’s love for me and still feel fuzzy inside when I hear it spoken out loud.” With a smile so big, his friends must hug him, they throw him back on the bed before they realise what it has just been used for and they back off with an overly dramatic simultaneous “ew!” and they all laugh together.

Downstairs, the three find Jackson, BamBam and Yugyeom digging into the big breakfast despite having already eaten. In a rush, Jaebum returns to his place and shoves food in his mouth before it is all gone.

“If you kids are done, let’s take off.” Jinyoung rolls his eyes and turns to Jaebum’s mother apologetically. “We won’t disturb you any longer.” He looks to their preoccupied friends. “Or eat all of your food.”

“Park Jinyoung,” she says with love in her voice. “You know I’ll always welcome you with open arms and as much food as you can eat.”

“I know, I know.” He smiles at her shyly. As if the woman has a magic aura surrounding her, she manages to make everyone in the room with her feel her warmth radiate through them and they become unable to do anything but give it back to her.

They leave with the key and Jaebum finishes up the breakfast that is more or less gone after the short visit of their friends. The energetic couple insists on doing the dishes so Jaebum’s mother can relax after her long day at work yesterday.

“Thanks for yesterday,” Youngjae says once they are alone in the kitchen. “I had a lovely time. I always do with you.” He hands Jaebum a plate he has washed for him to dry and put back in its place.

“I did too.” While Jaebum dries the washed dishes, he feels his heart bounce around inside his chest because he realises anew that Youngjae is all his and that Youngjae loves Jaebum as much as Jaebum loves Youngjae. The last two months rain down upon him and he has to put down the cup so it will not slip and break from his, all of a sudden, unsteady grip. In a way, he never perfectly understood exactly how much Youngjae has given him and how much time and smiling he has spent on Jaebum’s stubbornness. Gratefulness and shame smack him across the face; a cheek for each; and he dissolves right there while bumping shoulders with the very man who makes him feel all these things. The very man who makes him feel everything has noticed his subtly odd behaviour. “Are you okay?” Mid-crisis, Jaebum hears his beloved’s voice and he grabs a tight hold of Youngjae. “What’s going on?” Youngjae asks with concerned confusion as he tries to dry his wet hands before he can wrap his arms around Jaebum. Inside Jaebum’s head every little gesture of Youngjae’s replays and for each one, he realises how much he could not for a second live without any of it. He makes a promise to himself then and there never again to lose his temper simply because Youngjae is brave enough to challenge his pride. Pride; a word that no longer holds the same meaning as it did two months ago. His heart beats for Youngjae’s heart, Youngjae’s words, Youngjae’s face, Youngjae’s love. His pride is Youngjae and he feels like the luckiest person in the world because everyone around him accepts their love and no one they truly care about has been negative towards them. Suddenly, the episode at school seems tiny, petty even, and Jaebum decides not to listen because his pride will stick with him no matter how many people will make these comments throughout his life. Jaebum is stubborn but not stupid, he knows it is nowhere near easy but it feels like it in the kitchen with his arms around the love of his life and the world soon to be wide open for them both and their friends.

“You and me; that’s forever. You can never leave me and I can never leave you. I love you forever. Never leave me, Youngjae. You’re my past and my present and my future, no less.”

“Jaebum, it’s the two of us forever. You don’t have to worry about that. I’m all yours until the day I die and beyond.” Jaebum begins to sniffle and let out mute sobs. “I’m right here with you.” They rock back and forth for god knows how long until the promises have sunken in. “Heaven knows we were made for each other.”

“Choi Youngjae and Im Jaebum with heaven on their side.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s getting really close to the end now. I wanted this to be a short chapter that was fun and meaningful at the same time and I think I achieved that okay. I am counting on the next chapter to be miles long because I feel like I have everything and nothing in terms of how to end this, so next week will be interesting, joyful and melancholic all at the same time.
> 
> Thank you all <3 – Freja


	33. Everlasting Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go.

**Epilogue exam days**

“We never got exam stress because we were all caught up with the performance instead and now we’re all gonna die,” Yugyeom screeches at the sight of their exam plan. Today is a short day; a few classes and then their exams being revealed or rather shoved in their faces for them to cry about.

“We had a good run guys, let’s just jump off a cliff together and hope we die fast,” Jinyoung suggests as he falls back into the grass where they have set camp for the rest of the day until they decide to get their sulking butts off the school premises to start studying for their dreaded exams.

“Collective suicide sounds like sugar to my ears,” Mark grumbles with anything but enthusiasm.

“I’m in,” Jackson groans loudly.

“I’m 2 in,” BamBam mumbles as he adjusts the bag under his head.

“I’m 3 in,” Yugyeom cries with despair.

“I’m 4 in,” Youngjae sighs.

“We’re doomed,” Jaebum ends and they all groan in unison. “Wanna study with me, Youngjae?” He asks the babe in his lap who puckers his lips as he rolls the suggestion back and forth in his mind as if he is even remotely unsure about his answer.

“I don’t see how that would make us get any work done at all but, sure.” Jaebum smiles down at Youngjae and plays with the round glasses on his sweet face. He is clearly very satisfied with Youngjae’s answer and Yugyeom fakes a gag.

“As long as we don’t get jizz on our notes, I think we’re fine.”

Their friends scrunch up their noses at the unavoidable mental image and Jackson scoffs and speaks up, “TMI on the jizz, guys.” Youngjae laughs up at Jaebum who simply shrugs with a big grin.

“I’d jizz on you any day,” Youngjae whispers in response to Jaebum’s earlier much disapproved comment.

“We can hear you,” BamBam says with a sense of friendly disgust dripping from his words.

“Oops,” Youngjae says without meaning it one little bit.

The next weeks pass with studying and doing their best not to get distracted. All seven of them study together on the days where it is the most difficult to stay focused. Once Yugyeom and BamBam start whispering and giggling about things that are definitely not biology, Korean or anything else that is relevant, Jaebum gets annoyed and glares at them with those eyes that used to scare Yugyeom but now only fume his mischievous flame further but once Jinyoung gets involved in the glaring the two of them finally shut up. Maybe it’s his motherly eyes that grow cool at the disturbance of their studying or maybe it’s the two of them together that adds up the intimidation. “We’re so fucked,” Jackson will sometimes say and Youngjae will whimper into his shoulder.

When Jaebum and Youngjae study alone, they will keep focus for a certain amount of time before Youngjae starts complaining about his exams and Jaebum will say something along the lines of: “You can always practice your orals on me,” and they have sex and surprisingly succeed in not getting jizz on their notes; much to their friends’ relief as they like to exchange notes with each other here and there.

When the exams finally come around, it goes much better than they could hope for – _a bunch of_ _dramatic idiots. All that acting must have gone straight to their heads_. No one in the groups of friends is a straight A student but they cannot complain about the results they have ended up with.

“One fat A for me,” Jackson shines as he exits the examination room after his final oral exam. As Jackson’s best friend, Youngjae has been sitting in the hallway just outside while preparing himself for his own last exam so the second Jackson comes out he can hug him with either joy or sympathy; and joy it is.

“Congratulations Jack! I knew you had it in you.”

“How long till yours?”

“Half an hour.”

“You know I’m gonna stay and wait for you, right?”

And he stays and waits and watching Youngjae go into the examination room, not without smiling anxiously at Jackson, and there is a period of silence except for the nervous buzzing of a few students in the hallways. Youngjae comes out and wipes the sweat off his forehead. “How’d it go?” “Alright?” “What kind of alright?” “I don’t know.” It is not long before he goes back into the room to get his grade and a few comments to which he falls back in his chair with relief and smiles. He thanks the smart grownups who seem to like what he said about China’s political history; Mao and all the usual stuff that he will completely forget about forever the second the door to that godforsaken room closes behind him.

“I got an A. We made it through, Jackson Wang. We made it through together.”

“Fuck, we did. Congratulations otter. Let’s celebrate with a big old burger and maybe a beer? Our adult life starts now.” Youngjae agrees eagerly by grabbing Jackson’s hand with an excited squeal and setting off into a sprint. The world is waiting for them and they are so excited to step onto a new and bigger stage. This is no school production, this is Broadway and they have hope of making it.

But there is a reason why Jackson and Youngjae do not go out for “a beer” alone. Without BamBam to keep the usually composed, although energetic and all over the place, pair at bay, they never manage to figure out their limit. When Yugyeom gets a call at 4:30 in the afternoon and all he hears is giggles and his name here and there in some slur of words that is constantly distracted by other things; he knows, gets their location with a lot of struggling as he tries to decode where “the pool” is, hangs up and calls BamBam who audibly rolls his eyes over the phone. “They know they can’t handle it, why’d they go by themselves? Let’s go get them.” BamBam jumps on his bike and Yugyeom on his. With some worry starting to bubble up inside BamBam, he picks up the pace to reach Mark’s house and knocks on the door before Yugyeom has made it there.

“Are Jackjae in your pool?” He asks Mark once his father has called him to the door.

“No, there’s no one in the pool right now.”

“Damnit.”

“What’s going on?”

“Jackson and Youngjae are out drinking by themselves those idiots thought they should celebrate with a few beers but they can’t control it by themselves.”

“And why did you think they were in my pool?”

“Youngjae told Yugyeom they were at the pool wherever that is.”

“Call Jaebum, he might know something. It would not catch me by surprise if Youngjae had called him too.”

“Okay, thanks, Mark. I appreciate it.”

So BamBam calls Jaebum and puts him on speaker for Mark and Yugyeom who has also arrived. The “hello” sounds clueless to the trio and BamBam’s shoulders fall in disappointment.

“Jackson and Youngjae are out drinking and said they were at the pool? Have you seen them, do you have any idea where the pool might be or anything like that?”

“Drinking? It’s not even 5 pm. Jesus Christ, those two.”

“I know.”

“The pool… Do you think there’s a bar or a club with that name? Well, a club might not be open this early but a bar could be. Hold on, I’ll look it up.” There’s silence on both ends except for the sound of Jaebum’s keyboard typing fast and a few mouse clicks. “Oh,” Jaebum says like something is dead wrong. No one breathes for a silent five seconds.

“What is it Jaebum?”

“The pool… It’s a strip club.”

“Shit.”

“I’ll text you the address. Mark can you pick me up and get Jinyoung on the way.”

“We’re going by bike directly. If we arrive first, we’ll try and talk to the bouncer if there is one.” BamBam says for himself and Yugyeom and Jaebum gives an approving hum before disconnecting the call and the three set into action. Mark picks Jinyoung and Jaebum up in his truck before they rush off to where one part of Jaebum hopes he finds them and the other part, not so much. They reach the shady-looking parking lot and Yugyeom and BamBam are outside waiting.

“The bouncer says you have to be 21 or older to get in. They can’t possibly have made it in.” His words are logical but Jaebum, fortunately, knows how easy it is for these bouncers to make exceptions.

“Hey, is there by any chance two guys about our age in there? One has round glasses and the other one is kind of buff but short-ish. They’re drunk off their asses.” The bouncer says he did see two guys in a group where everyone else looked to be older. They did not fit in but one of them did have round glasses on. “Shit, okay, I need to get in and get them out. I promise if I’m not out in five minutes you can charge me or throw me out or anything.” The bouncer agrees and Jaebum storms inside with Mark who was allowed to accompany him. The place looks tacky and nowhere near packed considering the time of day. “The bouncer mentioned other people so look for them in larger groups.” Mark nods once and keeps his hawk eyes alert. They hear an unmistakable loud laugh that overpowers the sleazy music, the disgusting warmth and the red lights. With a snap, Jaebum turns his head and finds Jackson and Youngjae next to each other in a group of unknown people with drinks in their hands.

“Jaebum!” Youngjae cheers once Jaebum has poked his shoulder. “There are some very sweet girls here who danced on Jaemin over there. We made new friends. Her name was Sapphire.” He beams with drunkenness and Jaebum looks over at Mark before Mark hooks his arm around Jackson’s shoulder and talks to him like nothing is off and he somehow convinces the stubborn China man to leave the crowd.

“Baby, we need to go home.”

“Do we?” Youngjae pouts.

“Yes, we do. You trust me, right baby?” Jaebum kisses his cheek and Youngjae’s new _friends_ take a drunken look at the party crasher. Youngjae nods with his pout still intact. “Okay, then let’s go home and relax. And, guess what?” Youngjae’s eyes grow wide with interest.

“What, what, what?”

“We get to ride in Mark’s car. You’ve never been in Mark’s car before. Isn’t that cool?”

“Mark has a car?” Youngjae shrieks and Jaebum takes the chance to grab his hand and pull him out of the booth they were sitting in. “Byebyeguys. I’m gonna go ride in Mark’s car and then have sex with Jaebum. He’s my boyfriend,” Youngjae slurs to the people who took him here.

“Let’s postpone the sex till you’re a little less drunk.”

Before they leave completely, Jaebum asks the guys he would rather punch than speak to exactly how much Youngjae had to drink. “Too much for his own good, man,” a dude slurs and Jaebum simply glares at him with what must have felt like pure hatred on the receiving end before he helps the staggering Youngjae out of the place. Outside, Jackson is in the middle of hugging everyone and when he sees the couple emerge from the door, he screeches.

“2Jae! How cute. I love you guys so much.” His tongue is sloppy and lazy in his mouth so the words come out muffled and slow. “Mark, did you come to take me home?” Mark nods. “Mark is taking me home, isn’t Mark sweet?” Yugyeom just nods in panic at the question that Jackson has randomly directed at him.

“You okay, Yug? Don’t panic,” BamBam says, sensing the possible panic attack. “Wanna go home?” Yugyeom nods and Jackson’s face falls.

“I’m so sorry, Yugyeom.” Tears start to rise in his eyes. “I scared you. I’m so sorry.” He basically collapses on the ground so Jinyoung and Mark have to pull him up and comfort him. “Yugyeom is scared of me,” he cries out and then completely sober Yugyeom starts too in the moment of a possibly approaching panic attack and his friend showing him that he still cares despite the all the alcohol in his system.

“It’s okay, Jackson,” he sniffles and Jackson becomes careful to approach him.

“Can I hug you?” He asks. No words come out of Yugyeom’s throat so he nods instead and Jackson hugs his tall friend passionately. “I love you.” Jackson is being very gentle and careful with his fragile friend and it soothes him.

Just then, Youngjae makes a gesture to Jaebum and rushes as far into the corner of the parking lot as possible before he throws up onto the cracking asphalt with his glasses in his free hand. He uses the other one to support himself against the brick wall and Jaebum rushes over there to hold him by his hip and shoulder. “I brought water,” Jinyoung announces and hands Jaebum the bottle. Youngjae, who looks spent and wasted puts one hand on the bottle and pours water into his mouth and shoots it around in there to spit out onto the ground. Out of breath, Youngjae manages to gulp down half the bottle before he lets go and hands it back to Jaebum.

“Thanks.” There are tears in his eyes from the violent acid wanting its way out of Youngjae’s poor body. The glasses, that Jaebum managed to take from Youngjae’s grip, are put back over his eyes after the tears have been wiped off.

“We’re gonna go home now.”

“Am I gonna be okay?” Jaebum has to control himself and stay serious at the sight of Youngjae’s dramatic question and the tears forming in his eyes as if he has just been diagnosed with some deadly disease.

“You’ll be alright, my baby. I’m here to take good care of you.” The energy left his body with the contents of his stomach so he simply nods and lets Jaebum help him carry his weight to the car. Jackson is already in the backseat next to Jinyoung who got the lucky spot between the two drunks. They wave goodbye to BamBam and Yugyeom who avoided the panic attack just as quickly as it approached. Jinyoung is more than enthusiastic to leave the car when Mark decides to insist on Jinyoung going with him to Jackson’s house to take care of him. His sigh is not holding back any of the disappointment he feels but he lets it go because he knows Jackson needs his friends right now and that Jackson would have done the same for him. Once they stop outside Youngjae’s house, Jaebum rushes out of the front seat to help Youngjae out and they stand on the curb and wave at their friends as they drive off.

“Can I borrow your keys.” Youngjae nods again.

“You know, Jaebum, I got an A in history today,” Youngjae slurs with a weak smile as they take their time with walking to Youngjae’s door.

“Well done, Youngjae. You’ve studied hard and you’ve always been smart… Maybe not with alcohol but a lot of other things.” Youngjae’s eyebrows furrow in worry as he looks at the door that his family is somewhere behind and Jaebum has to lull him in his arms until he has calmed down again. “Don’t worry about a single thing. I’ll talk, okay?” Jaebum unlocks the door and soon his parents and siblings come to congratulate him on finishing his exams but find quite a different sight from what they had expected.

“Is everything alright?”

“He got an A, so he went for a few beers with Jackson but it escalated a bit. Everyone went to pick them up together. Mark has a car so he could take us here. I think I’m gonna help him get cleaned up a bit and then attempt to feed him something. He threw up a lot earlier.” Jaebum leaves out the strip-club bit, finding it an unnecessary detail that might be fun to reveal in some years’ time but most likely not right now mid-crisis despite how cool and accepting his parents are.

“Okay, we’ll make some acid-less dinner tonight then. Thank you so much for taking him home, Jaebum, dear god. Is there anything else we can do?” Mrs Choi puts a hand on her son’s burning cheek.

“I think I know where everything is so I’ll be fine but I’ll ask if there’s anything.”

“Just give us a shout,” Mrs Choi speaks softly with concern written on her features just like Mr Choi who looks at Youngjae like he knows what its like to barely be able to walk and only be half-certain of where he is.

“Thank you, really, this could have gone even more wrong if you guys hadn’t helped out,” Mr Choi speaks as Jaebum supports Youngjae’s staggering balance when Youngjae gets down to untie his shoelaces.

“It’s no problem. I’ll gladly do it. I care a lot about his wellbeing too,” Jaebum clarifies as if it were necessary as he stands there as the boyfriend of a completely wasted teenager without a spot of irritation or regret to find on his features. “Well done, Jae. Sit down all the way down on the floor and I’ll help you pull these off, okay?” Jaebum gets distracted from The Chois and sits down in front of Youngjae.

“Call me baby again,” Youngjae slurs as he thumps his ass down into the floor and he leans against the wall and Jaebum gets the image of trying to make a soft teddy bear sit on its own. Even now, this drunk, Youngjae has a lovable teddy bear vibe that Jaebum adores. Of course, right now, this thought is only speeding across the back of his mind and is gone again shortly after because Youngjae’s parents just heard Youngjae ask Jaebum to call him baby _again_. Not that it is the biggest of deals but it makes Jaebum’s face flush, Youngjae’s siblings giggle and more than anything it makes him realise that Youngjae might mention worse things if he does not get him upstairs and into the locked bathroom soon. The joke was funny one time in the kitchen with the guitar but not when it is Youngjae uncontrollably speaking his cloudy mind.

“Your shoes are off now. Let’s get you upstairs.”

“Jaebummie,” Youngjae giggles “You’re so sweet, do you know that? You take me all the way home and take my shoes off for me. I love you, Jaebummiiiiieee.” The prying eyes of his boyfriend’s family make him feel more and more conscious every time Youngjae opens his mouth.

“I love you too, otter boy.”

“I’m dizzy.”

“A bath will help. Trust me.”

“I always trust you, my baby man, Bummie.” He shuts his eyes and nuzzles his head into Jaebum’s chest.

“I’ll be damned if this isn’t true love,” Jaebum sighs mainly to himself as he puts his arms under Youngjae’s body and pulls him up with him.

“Are you gonna put me in the bathtub?” Jaebum is aware of the eyes watching them and the ears listening to him carrying his otter up the stairs with immense care.

“Yes, I am.”

“Can you go in too?”

“Not today, but I’ll sit right next to you and hold your hand, is that okay?”

“That’s okay, Jaebummie. I trust you.” Jaebum sits Youngjae down on the toilet seat and takes a deep breath. The first part is over. Now Jaebum needs to make Youngjae sober up with the least possible pain involved. He runs the bath at a perfect warmth as he undresses his boyfriend.

“Help me a little bit here, can you do that?” Jaebum’s voice is so soft and he speaks slowly so Youngjae does not get confused and sad because it is hard for him to follow if things go to fast. With Youngjae’s help (which obviously is not much), Jaebum gets him naked and ready to enter the bath. Once Youngjae is immersed Jaebum sits on a tiny bathroom stool beside the tub and keeps his hand faithfully in Youngjae’s. Silence dominates while they both sit and think about completely different things as the result of their mind being at quite different stages of sanity at the moment.

“Im Jaebum, Jaebum, JB, Jaebummie, Bummie, Bum, babe, baby.” It sounds like he is reading from a piece of paper as he mentions the many names Jaebum goes by. “All of those protect me in different ways. You always protect me even when I do stupid things.” Jaebum smiles at the spacy thoughts whirling around Youngjae’s mind.

“That’s because I want you to last a lifetime. Do you think I could ever live without you? You’re the love of my life and no amount of alcohol in your blood can change that.” A dorky laugh is let out in Youngjae’s haze and Jaebum has to kiss his forehead with adoration.

After a warm bath turned cold and a quick ice-cold shower that Youngjae feels betrayed for getting, Jaebum brushes Youngjae’s teeth to get rid of any leftovers from the puking session earlier. He dresses Youngjae in something comfortable and at this point, Youngjae can dress himself and walk by himself and talk with more sense than before. During their dinner is when he properly comes back to life and both the moral and the physical hangover kicks in. “I need an aspirin and a time machine,” Youngjae quakes.

“Indeed,” his sister snickers.

“Jaebummiiiieee, I trust you. I love you,” his brother imitates and both Jaebum and Youngjae fall into embarrassment while the two siblings laugh at their pain.

“Yah, leave me alone.” Youngjae looks away from his siblings and over at Jaebum next to him. With food in his mouth, Jaebum begins to snicker at the silent conversation they have with their eyes. “As my sober self, I would like to say thank you for helping me.” They continue to look at each other with amusement.

“Always at your service.”

“You’re a rare species, Jaebum. My brother is lucky,” Jaebum’s sister compliments bitterly.

“I know a whole selection of guys if you’re interested. I’ve got silent and considerate imported from west coast America or sassy and gentle imported from the beaches of Busan on speed dial if you’d like.” Youngjae laughs a full-blown belly laugh and Jaebum simply chuckles with much joy and amusement. “I swear to god they’re good guys.” His sister fights back a chuckle unsuccessfully. “Oh, and they both have a motorcycle licence.”

“My guy has one too,” Youngjae brags which causes laughter throughout his family.

“You’re terrified of motorcycles.” With a powerful huff, Youngjae manages to look very offended before he begins to explain that he has actually been on one not too long ago and that he had a great time. To continue his supportive boyfriend streak, Jaebum backs him up like a pro hype man until his family is convinced and impressed.

“I have to say this, I think you’ve made Youngjae braver,” Mrs Choi says. “He is able to look past the things that scare him away from doing certain things.” Youngjae puts his aching head on Jaebum’s shoulder.

“Thank you, Jaebum.” He sugar-coats his words with puppy eyes and a big smile. “Can you get me an aspirin?” Jaebum knows what he is doing and chuckles but still gets up to get his boyfriend a pill to ease the pain. It works its wonders while he eats and, although still not on top, he feels better. He and Jaebum spend the rest of their evening in Youngjae’s room watching shitty movies and kissing. Every few minutes one of them will turn his head to kiss the other’s cheek, jaw and neck until the receiver turns his head as well and they crash lips for a wet 30-60 seconds. When they do have their eyes on the movie, they laugh and comment on the stupid reactions or ridiculous plots.

“Our story could have been a movie.”

“I’d watch that.”

“Me too. Especially if you made the soundtrack.”

“I’d get you to sing on it.”

“A duet.”

“I could write us a duet… You know, I wanted it to be a surprise so I didn’t tell you but I was actually asked by Miss Kwon to perform at the graduation ceremony. If you want to, you can do it with me.” Youngjae goes pale as a ghost as the information travels through his brain.

“Oh my god, in front of everyone.”

“We’ve done it once, we can do it again. Besides, I’d get a kick out of seeing their faces when our gay asses get up there together and sing like it’s High School Musical,” Jaebum reasons with a light and happy chuckle. Whatever Youngjae answers, Jaebum will not get offended or pressure Youngjae into anything. After all, it was Miss Kwon who asked Jaebum alone because she had heard him play the piano and he had elaborated on his musical skills when she asked about it.

“Okay. Fuck yes. We’re doing this.” They shut Youngjae’s laptop and get working in an empty notebook that they make their shared lyrics book. Somehow, they manage to turn a sad love song into a goodbye to their classmates, teachers and the school they have loved dearly. They work fast because graduation is only four days away and they need to rehearse once the song is finished so the next days they meet every day, as they would have anyway, and they practice by Jaebum’s keyboard.

“Hey, Youngjae… Won’t you do the honours and play the piano?” Jaebum suggests the first day of their rehearsing earning him a stare.

“Are you sure?” The idea of Youngjae behind the piano takes him back to the day he visited Youngjae’s work and watched Youngjae pour out his feelings through the tips of his fingers and again on the day they kissed in the auditorium and Jaebum could feel his pain from miles away. Jaebum wants that power so he wants Youngjae on the keys.

“Yes. You have the ability to make a song so much more just by sitting behind a piano and feeling whatever you’re singing. I really want you to do it.” Youngjae agrees and they continue rehearsing with anticipation and joy of being able to share their passion for music together.

A couple of days before their graduation, Jaebum and Youngjae go to school to inform Miss Kwon of the change. Her reaction is pure unrestricted happiness and she begins to ask many curious questions about the performance and the song. “It’s called ‘1:31AM’. We wrote it together.”

“I trust it will be beautiful. Your stage presence, whatever you’re doing up there, is amazing. I can’t wait.” She hugs them both with pride and they experience the impact that teachers and students can have on each other. Without Miss Kwon, things would have been different. After all, she was the one who pulled them both out of the audition for Phenex and gave them the two leads. “I think you will go very far if you stick with each other,” is what she says before sending them off to practice more.

“Thank you for everything, Miss Kwon,” Jaebum yells on his way down the hall.

“We owe you a lot,” Youngjae adds and they both wave before their hands instinctively grab each other’s and they exit the building.

The ceremony is held in the auditorium and it is slowly filling up with families and teacher. The nearly graduated students stand outside the door in long lines with anxious happiness displayed through their smiles and their shaking hands. Mr Song plays the piano as the doors open and the students pile into the big auditorium. They sit up front and prepare to endure the speeches and whatever else is on the programme before their diplomas are handed out on stage. The piano has been moved onto the stage for the event and Youngjae keeps staring at it with some worry. He and Jaebum are sitting at the edge of their row, ready to get up and play once their headmaster has finished his speech. As planned, Miss Kwon goes up to present their performance while Jaebum and Youngjae sneak backstage.

“When I recruited for the school play, I never thought I would be so sure of my choice as I was. There was a rawness to the two boys who ended up playing Phenex and Samael. Without knowing when I picked them, I did not just create a duo compatible for performing, I created a relationship that stands so strong I would like to think nothing can break them apart. I have slowly realised as I watched them grow, that maybe the two of them and their supportive friends made memories in this very room that will not just have changed their own perspective on life but mine as well. I like to think that some of you felt it too. You came to watch a school production but maybe you saw what I saw; that it was so much more than that. With these words, I would like to present Im Jaebum and Choi Youngjae, Samael and Phenex who will perform a duet written and composed by them especially for this event. Give them a round of applause everyone.” Miss Kwon steps off the stage and everyone is shocked. Not even their friends knew about this performance so in the spot where they sit, loud cheering erupts. Youngjae sits down at the piano and Jaebum moves to the mic stand behind Youngjae so they are positioned back to back with a few feet between them. With a short nod to Jaebum, Youngjae begins to play. The room full of memories feels so clustered and just like the huge amount of people filling up their red sea, they can barely fit in there. As Miss Kwon had said, the memories made in that very room become free to all once Youngjae begins to sing. In a strange way, everyone knows their story, or at least a part of it, by watching them on stage together.

(A/N: _YJ_ **JB** – also the song is 1:31 AM from their Fly concerts)

 _I still can’t believe it_  
_That when I open my eyes you aren’t there_  
_It’s difficult because memories from back then are back in my head_  
_And even if I empty out all those memories_

**I am always drowned in thoughts of you  
I cry and get exhausted, but I look for traces of you again**

_You have to be well, and don’t get sick  
The way you smile, never lose that_

**And if things ever get hard, you can come back to me again**   
**I am always here in this place**   
**And I won’t leave you**

_I wait for you_

**I am always drowned in thoughts of you  
I cry and get exhausted, but I look for traces of you again**

_You have to be well, and don’t get sick  
The way you smile, never lose that_

**And if things ever get hard, you can come back to me again  
I am always here in this place**

Jaebum takes the mic off the mic stand and moves to the other side of the piano. Finding it a challenge to compose himself, he seeks out Youngjae’s gaze that finds him in a matter of seconds and it puts him at ease.

 _Through you, everything changed for me_  
Because you aren’t here, I can’t do anything  
I can’t bear to forget you but

**No matter how hard I try, you only get further away  
I again**

_Believe that you’ll come back to me, why?_

**Please come back to me, no matter how long it takes  
I don’t want to let you go**

_You have to be well, and don’t get sick  
The way you smile, never lose that_

**And if things ever get hard, you can come back to me again**  
**I am always here in this place**  
 **And I won’t leave you**

_I wait for you_

The room has changed during those minutes that Jaebum and Youngjae sang. For those who know of the memories and are part of them, there are a few tears in everyone’s eyes and the emotional China Man hands out tissues to his friends because something told him when he left this morning that he would need them. Yugyeom squeezes BamBam’s hand because he knows BamBam would rather run out of here and not receive his diploma than go up there with a puffy face and red cheeks.

Most of the parents realise from both Miss Kwon’s words and the performance that something special has been brewing this spring and as much as they do or do not condone that, it is clear that this is meaningful to the youths sitting at the front of them.

How a teenager presents themselves to the fellow students of their school is often a lot different from what they actually feel inside so when Jaebum and Youngjae go up and do the exact opposite for the second time, there are a lot of flustered teens in the audience and even more when Jaebum goes to hug Youngjae at the end of the, above all, emotional performance. On stage, Jaebum lets a single tear slip onto Youngjae’s shoulder while the clapping and cheering break the calm and turns it into astonishment.

“You’ve done so well,” Jaebum tells Youngjae and walks him to the very front of the stage to bow with him. Because Jaebum is a ‘too much’ kind of boyfriend, he twirls Youngjae around and points to him with admiration. Together, they walk off stage with a sure gut feeling that this was right. This is how this part of their life ends and a new chapter begins, they think as they pass faces that have been kind or anything but towards them, with their heads held high and pride flowing in their veins.

“That was really beautiful,” Jinyoung compliments with a meaningful smile; that’s right, no smirk. The others agree and pat the couple’s shoulders before the ceremony continues.

Their smiles have never been bigger or filled with more relief as all seven of them pose for pictures at the bench where Jaebum, Jinyoung and Mark used to sit often. Their families snap picture after picture as the poses gradually get goofier. It starts with Mark messing up Jackson’s hair followed by Jaebum lifting Youngjae onto his back. Meanwhile, Yugyeom and BamBam are caught in Jinyoung’s strong grip as he smirks his good old smirk that turns into a happy grin shortly after. They pose for a few more photos, posing with different concepts like behaved children, the prom pose with all of them holding each other’s waists in one long line and other silly stuff.

“It’s over!” Jackson yells out with joy as they start walking towards the gate that they have passed so many times but this time is special, this time they are officially no longer students.

The same night, Youngjae cooks for his friends that come over to a house that Youngjae has emptied for the occasion. He has shooed his parents over to Jaebum’s place and his siblings are with their friends. Jaebum is purposely early so he can get to spray the back of Youngjae’s neck with kisses while he cooks and help out whenever it is needed. When Youngjae can leave the food to itself for a while, Jaebum goes down on Youngjae delicately. His mouth responds to every one of Youngjae’s reactions until Youngjae is biting his fingers and moaning into them and Jaebum gets to swallow a full load for the first time; something Youngjae gladly returns once his breath is regained. Jaebum’s head spins and his body can barely keep still while Youngjae forgets about the food that almost burns before he returns to it.

“You’re good at that,” Jaebum mutters with his face buried into Youngjae’s neck from behind. With a giggle, Youngjae thanks him and saves his meal that turns out brilliant in the end. “If jizzing on our notes is such a horrid image imagine how they’d react to that,” Jaebum jokes as he squeezes Youngjae’s hips.

“I’d keep it on the low for now,” Youngjae whispers before breaking out into a quiet and breathy giggle.

The oblivious guests arrive one after the other and get seated at the table while complimenting the smell from where Youngjae is standing. He serves them dinner and the party sets off. Jinyoung has brought peach soju “because my butt is peachy,” he had reasoned before they all get perfectly tipsy so a red tint shows on their cheeks.

Tipsy, they pile the dishes into the dishwasher and put away the leftovers before they start the private karaoke in Youngjae’s living room. “The two people who fuck up the lyrics first have to take body shots off each other!” It is Youngjae’s suggestion and Jaebum gives him a lot of silent judgement labelled "chic and sexy” by Jackson.

BamBam is the first one to fuck up and Jinyoung is second so they lie BamBam down on the sofa and pour soju into BamBam’s jugular notch that dips so flawlessly on BamBam’s skinny neck. “BamBam is so skinny,” Jinyoung comments before he dips down to suck the liquid off his skin and a whiny sound of discomfort leaves BamBam’s mouth. “Shut up, you liked it,” Jinyoung coos jokingly and their crowd goes wild while BamBam protests equally as energetically. Jaebum and Mark are quick to pull Jinyoung’s shirt up when his turn comes.

“Belly button!” They yell in agreement and pour a shot poorly into his belly button. Now it is Jinyoung’s turn to yell out in agony while BamBam gulps down the fluid from his skin. The séance ends with a hug and thirst for revenge.

“I think we should have another penalty for the next person who messes up,” Jinyoung says.

“STRIPTEASE!” BamBam yells and earns a high five from smug Park Jinyoung. Reluctantly, everyone agrees to the terms and they start singing in unison again, very aware of each other. Chaos breaks loose when Jaebum messes up.

“WE’RE GONNA GET A STRIPTEASE FROM THE ONE AND ONLY, THE MAN HIMSELF, THE GREAT IM JAEBUM!” Jackson is excited as expected and so are BamBam and Yugyeom. Jinyoung and Mark are thrilled and are already seated to enjoy the, most likely, painful show. Youngjae is just downright frozen to his spot, already flustered because he knows what is going to happen if Jaebum strips in front of him.

When the doorbell rings, both Jaebum and Youngjae breathe out in relief that lasts very shortly. “I’ll get it,” he says and everyone peeks out to see who is intruding this highlight of their evening. Youngjae trips backwards at the sight of the person on his doorstep. “Oh my god,” Youngjae breathes. “Why’d you come?" Jaebum steps forward and is looking back and forth between Youngjae to the unknown guy. It glues Youngjae to the spot and his breathing becomes uneven. From the sounds behind Jaebum, he guesses that this is not a person Youngjae has a pleasant history with.

“That bastard is not getting any closer,” Jackson says as he jogs towards the guy and a lightbulb turns on inside Jaebum’s mind until it overheats and explodes.

“Is he your ex?” Jaebum’s nostrils flare and he follows Jackson who is already trying to make him leave. Youngjae de-statues and moves his body in the way of Jaebum’s. “Jaebum no.” He pulls at Jaebum arm but Jaebum’s mind is elsewhere; completely focused on the uninvited guest who decided to crash their party. “Jaebum, I want you to calm down,” Youngjae tries as he wraps his arms all the way around Jaebum. “Please, for me. Don’t.” A deep sigh signals that he gives in to Youngjae’s request. The promise he made to himself while washing dishes with Youngjae in his own kitchen overwhelms his mind so he wraps an arm around Youngjae and mutters an apology into his hair.

“I’m here to speak to Youngjae,” he replies to Jackson who is standing his firm ground and demanding he leaves.

“That’s it, go,” Jackson says taking the aggressive body language up a notch. “Youngjae doesn’t need this and he has a best friend and a boyfriend who are more than ready to kick your ass if you don’t leave. Go back to Hong Kong.”

“I just need to say one thing and then I’ll go,” he says to his old friend as if he would understand but instead of making the decision he looks over at Youngjae who has finally turned around. He pulls Jaebum’s arms tighter around him before he nods at Jackson.

“Go,” Jackson allows with his lips in a thin line.

“I was at your play.” Jackson's arm falls from the doorframe and gets a guarding look in his eye as he lets him finish. “You’ve grown up well and I think I have too. I need to tell you I’m sorry because I never did. I’m not here to get you back because my chance is gone and we’ve had our time. I simply want you to know that I regret cheating and I regret the pictures. I despise myself for those events every day of my life. I hope that you can forgive me although I don’t expect you to. It is crazy of me to even come here and suggest it, I know.”

“Pictures?” Jaebum asks Youngjae and he squeezes his hand as a signal for Jaebum to wait a moment.

“Even though what you did frightened me beyond what I had imagined and it made me feel exposed in a moment that was only supposed to be ours, I don’t want it to haunt you if it has stopped haunting me. I’m okay now because of this man.” He pulls at Jaebum’s arm. “So you should thank him for me going easy on you. I forgive you for cheating on me and I forgive you for taking pictures of me without my consent and showing them around despite how private a moment like sex is to me. That event has scarred me so much, I swore never to speak of it to anyone. I think you have felt sorry for long enough and even if this is all an act and you are just playing with my emotions again, I still forgive you.” Youngjae breaks free from Jaebum’s tightening grasp and walks to the door to extend his hand. A handshake that indicates truce becomes the last interaction they have before they say goodbye and Youngjae watches him turn his back with a bitter relief and the door closes shut. Jackson has already brought Youngjae in for a hug being the only one who knew about the secret pictures that ruined everything about the cheerful and confident Youngjae for too long. Jackson is convinced it lingered within him until he found Jaebum.

“Did he really?” Jaebum asks once Youngjae musters up the courage to face his shocked boyfriend and friends. A simple nod is all it takes for Jaebum to grab Youngjae and hold him tight. There are no words to say as much as Jaebum tries to find some so he holds their embrace for longer than normal.

“Hey, Jaebum?” Youngjae peeps after a long silence that is eating his tipsy spirit away.

“Yes, babe?”

“How about the striptease now?” An evil grin forms on his face but the evil part becomes more angelic than intended but that is over sweet Youngjae’s head to control. Suddenly, the striptease sounds like a big laugh despite what it may do to Youngjae. They go back into the living room where Jaebum’s face shows great displeasure.

“Que, music!” Youngjae demands and before long Jaebum is in his underwear in the middle of Youngjae’s living room.

“Why did you forgive him?” Is a question that Jaebum asks once they are alone in bed. The others left at a late hour and now it is already getting light outside. It has been nagging him since it happened and he wants to hear Youngjae's explanation.

“I did what any angel would do. Forgive and forget, Jaebum. This has been a part of me for too long and the same goes for him. No matter how much of a dick he was, I forgave him because no matter how hard I try to stop it, life still goes on. The only thing I would have caused by turning him down is more misfortune and not just for him but for us too. Lives are meant to be lived to the fullest, we only have so long after all, and it is not in my place to take his away from him.” The early morning light shines onto Youngjae's angelic face and Jaebum is continuously staggered by Youngjae's wisdom.

“Do you think I’ll ever make it to heaven with you?” Jaebum asks in astonishment. He has never been able to understand the pure goodness that Youngjae is. If Youngjae grows wings someday he will not be the slightest bit surprised and Youngjae’s smile says it all, it reveals his good intentions.

“If whatever god there might be, truly knows mercy, he would never break us apart. Heaven on our side, remember?”

“Heaven on our side,” Jaebum mutters into Youngjae’s neck before he inhales deeply. “Onto our next chapter and our new challenges. It will always be Choi Youngjae and Im Jaebum with heaven on our side.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, this is the end of a long journey. I’ve been working on this since Christmas while also preparing for all my exams and this has been such an amazing way to get my mind off of school for a little bit each week. Every chance I’ve gotten, I’ve gone to my computer to type away to make this fan fiction what it has become. This is a very sentimental ending for me and I wish I could just keep on going yet I’m happy that I can let it go and see it as one completed work.  
> I find myself proud of what I have produced and extremely taken aback by all of your positive feedback that has been a big motivation to write and post every week. I have so much to be grateful to all of you for. Thank you a million, trillion times even though I’ve already said that to you many times. I have learnt a lot from writing this and listening to the feedback you’ve had. It has for sure made me a better writer and I’ve become more aware of the flaws that I of course have. Thank you, thank you, thank you and goodbye. I hope to see you around on other stories I post.  
> In the Got7 realm, I’ve been preparing some stuff whenever I’ve had some time for it and right now I’m working on a JJP one shots and short stories, A whole Mark thing based on a weird dream I had and some multi-group stuff and other random little things. My love for them is growing and growing so there will no doubt be more of that and SHINee as well if you are interested in that. You can always have a look around my profile if you want and hit me up anytime on Instagram @onion.oppa <3 Wow it’s hard to say goodbye. Love yall to death!! I hope this has been worth all the waiting in between chapters. It’s been real, it’s been great, it’s been a long ass ride.  
> All my love, Freja xoxo


	34. KYG: Tailing Trauma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically just a backstory on Yugyeom aka a little spinoff I made - spur of the moment after talking to ultyoungjaechoi <3  
> This is not the beginning of anything, simply an addition to tie up the loose ends I feel I left too sprawled regarding Yugyeom's character.

It is not something Yugyeom has ever been able to forget; the way he watched all the other kids get picked up from pre-school one by one and most of the teachers go home until he was forced to get into his snowsuit and sit outside on the low stone fence with his favourite teacher; Chi Eunae, until his father finally came into view at the end of the snowy road. With the aid of his bike, he approached with what Yugyeom remembers as lightspeed. With an apologetic expression and what looked like a bruise on his temple, he took Yugyeom into his arms and apologised a hundred times to his son and Eunae. With a firm yet gentle tone she had said it was okay this once but this was not something they should have to do many times. His father huffed out his words of understanding without taking time to catch his lost breath.

“Make sure to treat Yugyeom to something delicious on the way home,” Yugyeom remembers her saying. After saying her caring goodbye to Yugyeom, she had flashed a smile at his father that Yugyeom never understood before years later. An emotion so kindly demanding was way too complex for the five-year-old who was ready to go home, eat and sleep.

On the way home, they picked up his older brother from a friend’s house and the boys were treated to an ice cream in the middle of snowy Seoul without a single complaint. Their father was particularly gentle that walk home where they sat on a bench in the park while he watched his sons eat their ice creams and had asked them about their day at pre-school and primary school. “I’m glad to hear that, my son,” Yugyeom remembers him saying to them many times that afternoon. It was like the clueless silence before a storm little Yugyeom and his brother should never have had to go through.

It was a year of confusion, no one really speaking to Yugyeom in a language he could understand. His father did his best but with a custody lawsuit on full blast, he was being pushed away from his sons unfairly. Yugyeom began primary school mid-chaos where he was seated behind this kid; Choi Youngjae, who would glance back at him every now and then with a big toothy smile. They became friends on the first day and would spend every day together in school and after school. Going to Youngjae’s house became a daily occurrence. Yugyeom loved it there. The love in that home was something that had been missing from Yugyeom’s. Despite hardships, Youngjae’s parents were there for him and his older siblings and even Yugyeom when he needed a hug from an adult who could squeeze all the confused suffering out of his little body like his father was able to.

His brother was the one who would come to pick him up, only a couple of years older than Yugyeom, Youngjae’s parents began to worry about Yugyeom and his brother’s situation and it was this that turned their situation around in one fateful evening; one of the worst days in Yugyeom’s memory but the best one for his future. Yugyeom’s mother had begun screaming at his father after more than a whole bottle of wine and often pointing to their children who had huddled up next to each other and cried on the sofa where they had quietly been watching television before. That fateful knock on the window had changed everything. Just as Yugyeom’s father had received what became the premises for a new bruise, Youngjae’s mother had knocked. This was all the lawsuit needed; a witness and the evidence on his father’s face and the emptied bottles on the kitchen table.

With a legal promise to visit their mother once a year until the age of 18 with an official present, the boys were in their father’s full custody. As much as Yugyeom understood that hitting someone was bad and that his mother often scared him to the point where he would rather she was not around, it still confused him when she no longer was. In some twisted way, he did miss her.

It faded in the next year. He was seven and it was then on a summer day that Chi Eunae, a woman he would never forget for her kindness, moved into their home. It took the boys no time to grow accustomed to the new motherly figure in their home. Yugyeom was the first one to fall into her loving arms with the trust he had kept close to his heart from their old relation. From watching this, his brother felt less reluctant to do the same. She became “mum” soon and peace was restored to the family. Wounds turned into scars; healed but never wiped away. The boys would always carry their history with them and this would prove itself prominent for the youngest later in his young life.

Every year, during the Easter holiday, Yugyeom and his brother would visit their mother. The supportive goodbye committee that consisted of Yugyeom’s parents along with Youngjae and his family was always there when they left and were there when they came back to welcome them with open arms. It was no relaxing affair going to visit their biological mother. She insisted that her sons addressed her as "mum" but the boys were reluctant and found many ways to dodge the title when constructing sentences to say to her. The official that was there would stay in the near background and make sure their mother stayed far away from alcohol during their visit and that no fists whatsoever were thrown. Her calm and cheerful persona felt like a façade to her sons and distanced her from them even further. Scared to fall asleep at night, they would huddle in the same bed and talk about home until they fell asleep in the safety of each other’s company.

It was at 14 that Yugyeom had his first real panic attack. As new as it was, he knew exactly what was happening to him because the unpleasant memories from his childhood bubbled up within him and began affecting him physically as well. It was an angry man and women, possibly a couple from what Yugyeom’s friends later reported they were yelling about, in the street. Already from a distance, Yugyeom felt his heart begin to race familiarly. He broke into cold sweat and stuttering before his friends noticed the change in his behaviour. It had resulted in the fight blurring out along with his friends and he simply expected to faint at this point. Youngjae, who had been there during the turbulent days, had sat Yugyeom down once his legs began to give in and made himself support for Yugyeom to lean against. With the help of their friends of five years; Jackson and BamBam, they had pulled him back to full consciousness and as far away from the screaming pair as possible. It had lasted a couple of hours and they had reached Yugyeom’s home long before it was over. Eunae had pulled him close to her chest like she had done so many times for him and with patience, she stood there with her child in her arms for at least half an hour before he could talk again.

His friends were still there when he did speak and offered him a glass of water and a million hugs. Jackson had kissed his cheek which would have been weird for any other 14-year-old boy but this was special and it would not be the last time that they shared such a moment with each other.

The following years his friends went out of their way to elude any possible panic attacks. One thing was completely certain with Yugyeom; with his friends, there was nothing to worry about. There had never been a serious fight between them because their first instinct when something was wrong was to tell the others and work it out together like Yugyeom soon learnt was the way he would like to lead his life from there on out. In high school when relations became hierarchy-based, the tight group made sure to stay away from all that, more specifically, the top of the hierarchy.

“So, you don’t think the football guys are cute?” Jackson asks Youngjae one night at a sleepover. They are discussing how tiresome the popularity race at their school is and Youngjae is rolling his eyes at the mere idea of prioritising popularity over simple happiness.

“I mean, yeah, but… Well, the cutest guy, and I’m sure the girls around the school would agree, is Im Jaebum. I’ve never properly seen him up close but he has a nice face shape.”

“Face shape,” Jackson scoffs loudly. “Get a room.”

“Imagine that,” BamBam chuckles and elbows Yugyeom in amusement.

“I don’t think I can. He’s too intimidating,” Yugyeom utters.

“Don’t worry, Yug. I’ll never go near him and even if I tried, I wouldn’t stand a chance.”

“He’s straight as they come but you do have a certain effect on people.”

“You knocked us backwards that’s for sure,” BamBam adds with a smile. “Hi, my name is Youngjae,” BamBam imitates his prominent accent that came out with the English greeting on the day they met.

“My favourite thing about that day was seeing the contrast between Yugyeom and Youngjae. I immediately loved both of you for being yourselves. Urgh, we’re so cute, Jaebum is missing out,” Jackson bitches and it makes Yugyeom laugh so much he snorts and almost chokes on his water.

“I wonder what his life is really like. There must be more than leather jackets and cigarettes to it,” Yugyeom ponders out loud before shoving one of Jackson’s famous cookies into his mouth.

“We may never know,” BamBam says softly. “Or maybe we will. With us, there is no telling what coincidences we might encounter.” Yugyeom smiles at the idea of Jaebum being a normal kid behind his tough exterior. Maybe Jaebum has a heart of gold that they don’t know anything about. He is aware that his fragile nerves would never be able to even attempt to penetrate his walls but maybe, as BamBam’s open theory suggests, someone else can. Without revealing his thoughts, he watches his charismatic friends have a cheerful disagreement about some school drama he has stopped paying attention to. Without those three boys in his life, things would be so much harder for him. He puts his head in BamBam’s lap and rests there with their voices filling his ears comfortably.

“I think he’s sleeping,” BamBam begins to whisper after some time of caressing Yugyeom’s hair mindlessly as he spoke to the others. In the meantime, Yugyeom’s breathing has grown slow and heavy and a smile creeps onto all the three spectating faces.

“He’s a little cutie, isn’t he?” Jackson says and Youngjae nods softly. They lie him down on a mattress and follow his lead.

Youngjae wakes up at 4am to the sound of light sobbing next to him where Yugyeom is lying. “Yug, are you okay?” Yugyeom simply reaches out in the dark and Youngjae puts his hand out to meet Yugyeom’s.

“It’s the last time I’m going to visit her. Ever since I’ve had to go alone, it’s been so much worse. I used to be able to at least hold onto my brother but now it’s just me and her and that social worker. And she keeps saying ‘it hurts me so much that your brother doesn’t wish to visit me anymore. I’m glad you’re here. You’ll always come back, won’t you?’ She tries to manipulate me and as much as the social worker tries, she finds a way to get a drink or two down and it’s really scary, Youngjae. I don’t want to go back. It’s my last time, I have no idea what she might do when she’s desperate.” There’s a pause in the long whispered vent. “And her boyfriend is even worse.” Youngjae sits up and places Yugyeom’s head in his lap.

“It’s gonna be a rough week but you have to stay strong for one last time. This guilt trip she’s playing on you is horrible and manipulative. The boyfriend… From what you’ve told me he sounds scary but as long as the social worker is there he can’t do much. Text or call me every night and if anything goes down, like alcohol for example, tell the social worker. I’m not gonna feed you lies and tell you that you’re gonna have a good time because from experience we both know you won’t but there is nothing you or I can do.” Youngjae squeezes the shaking hand he is holding after feeling a pull on it. “There is one thing I’ll do. I’ll treat you to a milkshake and lots of hugs once you come home and I’m sure Jackson will bake a batch of his wonderful cookies just for you.”

“Thanks, Youngjae. You’ll always be my oldest friend. That’s important.”

“It is. I love you, Yugyeom.”

“I love you too.”

“Do you think you can fall asleep now?” Yugyeom nods in the dark.

“But can you hold me?” Youngjae says nothing, instead, he lies down and brings Yugyeom close to him. He spoons the giant friend and it probably looks funny but all that matters to the two right now is the feeling of safety and Youngjae can provide that in that moment. “If only I could take you with me,” Yugyeom whispers. Youngjae gets an idea and Yugyeom can tell from the way his body jolts up.

“I mean, have you asked her? She might not mind.” And with that, Youngjae goes to South Korea’s east coast with Yugyeom to visit his biological mother whom Youngjae has only met very few times before it all blew over. Her reaction to seeing his face is too sweet for the way Youngjae remembers her and he almost feels violated by the way she pinches his cheeks but he takes it. He can tell Yugyeom is relieved not to be alone and Youngjae will go to great depths to make his tagging along to Yugyeom’s benefit. Youngjae greets the social worker awkwardly and the young man only offers him a reserved smile.

At her home, the boys settle their things in what she refers to as “Yugyeom’s room” where they spend more time than they need to set their bags down. The day goes well and other than drinking some lemonade on her balcony and eating dinner, not much happens. Youngjae manages to get a better idea of what Yugyeom feels so afraid of; the manipulation. It keeps a low profile but feels like screams to the boys’ ears and it is the only thing they can hear when she speaks. Youngjae stays in Yugyeom’s bed, the other one completely untouched and as they talk about this and that, his mother and possibly her boyfriend shuffle around in the room next to them which results in Yugyeom clutching onto Youngjae with a racing heart and unsteady breathing. Over the years, he has been able to shorten the length of his panic attacks. With Youngjae’s arms wrapped around him and his full concentration, he is able to avoid it going deeper. Once again Yugyeom gets kissed on the cheek by a friend with all the sweetest intentions and appreciates the effort that makes it easier for him to fall asleep.

The week passes by slowly as Yugyeom gets increasingly more guilt-tripped by the woman who is supposed to be his loving mother but has become the complete opposite in the last attempt to hold onto her relationship with her son. Her boyfriend joins the taunting and makes sure Yugyeom is always on the lookout in terror that he might get beaten or something worse. Every night, he freaks out and the panic attacks get worse than they were the previous night. All Youngjae can do in the end is rock his poor friend back and forth in his arms until he falls asleep with pure exhaustion. On the train home, Yugyeom claims it the most fucked up week in his life and thanks Youngjae a million times for suggesting to go with him. The only reason he is back in one piece is because of his old friend who has also suffered this week just to make sure Yugyeom wouldn’t, at least not constantly.

“You’re my oldest friend. I want to take care of my little Yug always,” Youngjae tells him and lets Yugyeom fall asleep on his shoulder because he has seen how little of that he has gotten this week and on top that, his energy has been spent on being on constant alert. “I hope I never put pain like that on you,” Youngjae mutters, mainly to himself before digging into his book, “Good Omens”, that he has not read a word of on this trip until now.

 _We have yet to learn everything about the good and the evil in the people around us_ , Youngjae thinks and wonders if he ever will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was a nice surprise :)


	35. Long Time No See

_“Why’d you call me and not your parents?”_

_“Because I need my parents once I’m home. For now, I just need my oldest friend, nothing else.”_

_“I’ll always be there, even if I have to leave Jaebum grumpy and naked for it.” The realisation hits Yugyeom and his mischievous grin makes a grand entrance._

_“That’s why it took so long for you to answer.”_

 

 

_Wednesday, December 12th, 2018._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What could this mean? ;)  
> Happy 1 year anniversary of SAFA to you all!


	36. Sequel - Save You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just can’t leave this story alone, can I? I’m so weak.
> 
> This is only gonna be a few chapters long so take it as a little tiny sequel and as a bit of fun with a tiny plot mainly surrounding Yugyeom and some catching up with their lives. I hope you guys enjoy.
> 
> I've literally changed the name of this chapter three or four times now. Finally, I settled for the generic song title theme for the sequel. I think it'll work well with the story.

It has been four months since graduation and things have changed for the seven boys since then. Youngjae enjoys his life in the house as an only child since his siblings finally moved out. His sister moved in with a friend and his brother got into a school where he can run as much as he wants to without bothering Youngjae. Youngjae is working more hours as a music teacher until he starts studying musical therapy in January. He has recently gotten his license and is allowed to borrow his parents’ car whenever he wishes.

Jaebum is chasing Youngjae around like a puppy these days and will be studying music production also starting January. As much as music is one of his burning passions, he cannot say Youngjae being in the same faculty as him, did not have a slight influence on his decision.

Mark has just come home from LA and is studying philosophy and writing to no one’s surprise. His thoughts have to go somewhere and if that place is the pages of a future best-seller then his friends are damn well going to hype him up. Speaking of Mark, he has grown closer to Youngjae who sometimes takes Mark for coffee and a chat. It gives Mark a further insight into Youngjae’s attentive nature, the one that drew Jaebum in; hook, line and sinker. Meanwhile, Youngjae finds out what hides behind Mark’s all too clever smiles.

Jinyoung, the kind-hearted young man, is studying his ass off to become, in his words “the best fucking pre-school teacher this world has ever seen”, and they are all sure he will be. Jaebum knows better than anyone how much patience he has and how much care he can channel through his big eyes and his charming smile.

Jackson is fencing again all the while merrily chasing after Jinyoung at school because he naturally wanted to be a pre-school teacher too the second Jinyoung mentioned it. Not that Jinyoung minds Jackson’s cheerful company at all. The two of them actually find it a big relief to stay after classes and study together. There is a lot of child psychology involved in their studies and since Jinyoung took psychology the prior year - we all remember the cognitive dissonance crisis Jaebum had – there are old notes on behavioural patterns with kids and the different stages of development in his notebook. Jackson is thankful for those gladly shared notes and often treats Jinyoung to dinner if studying has dragged out for too long.

No one was surprised when BamBam and Hana ended up sitting next to each other on the first day at the top design school in Seoul. Fashion is more than ever all BamBam talks about. He and Hana have a monthly meeting in BamBam’s room where they read all the new fashion magazines and talk about the online articles and blogs they have read in that month. This passion is time-consuming but nevertheless, he makes time for his group of friends that has become a rock in all of their lives. No matter where they are taken in life, that relation between the seven of them will stay unaffected. Oh, and, get this, BamBam bought a cat and named her cloud because of her white fur.

The last of the seven is the one and only Kim Yugyeom who got accepted into a well-respected dance school right outside of town. He lives on campus which, without a doubt, made several of his friends very concerned. No one blamed him for not wanting to sit in public transport for an hour every morning and afternoon but they all knew it would be hard to let go. As the fact began to settle in with them, they realised that it may be good for him to stand on his own for some time. It is not like he is many hours away and their arms are always open for him so maybe it is healthy with the distance for all of them. All that aside, they miss having him around for spontaneous events like pool hangouts at Mark’s on the last warm days of the year. They miss his presence and that is putting it lightly.

Within the first week of school, Yugyeom manages to mingle enough to make a handful of acquaintances and even gets lucky with his flatmate. A young guy who is, like Yugyeom, taller than most which they then find is a surprisingly easy bonding point. The first night in the dorm is more or less spent talking about tall guy pros and cons.

In the second week, Yugyeom’s roommate very smugly points out that a girl in one of the classes they share likes to glance over at him a lot. She has the best intentions, Yugyeom is sure, but it freaks him out nevertheless for several obvious reasons. Even so, he finds himself looking her way too because an interest bubbles up inside him after being made aware of hers.

When she approaches him that Friday at the local student bar where Yugyeom has been dragged to by some potential friends, Yugyeom finds himself pleasantly surprised by how much he enjoys her company. However, when she moves her hand onto his thigh, Yugyeom gets nervous, naturally. Several alarm bells are ringing in his mind. The most prominent one being “ _panic!”_ while the other alarm is whispering gently amongst all the other noise but somehow it manages to break through all too clearly; _“This Is Exciting”._

“I never mastered those moves from earlier. Did you?”

“We didn’t get enough time in class in my opinion,” Yugyeom responds coolly which boosts his confidence a little.

When he walks out of the bar at 11 pm, he has a date for the following day. Although he only had one beer and was the first to leave, he walks home with his mind in a bit of a blur from the words _practice_ , _1 pm_ and most importantly; _date_. His anxiety appreciates how casual she made it sound and he makes sure to mark the next day in his calendar (just in case he’d forget from the haze) with her name; _Annabel_  – it’s British.

Kim Yugyeom is pacing the floor of his room that Saturday morning which earns him some staring from his flatmate who is sprawled on his bed with one eyebrow judgementally pushed up. “Do something about this before you have to meet her.” He points to Yugyeom as a whole and just then it hits him what he has to do.

“A date? You have a date, Yug?” BamBam asks in surprise over the group Skype-call five minutes later with Cloud blocking half his face. Youngjae and Jackson are sitting next to each other with their jaws down as far as they can physically go. Somewhere in the room, Jaebum makes a surprised noise before he comes into shot behind the two of them.

“Wow, congratulations! Who’s the lucky babe?” Jaebum grins with excitement.

“A girl; Annabel. She’s from England.”

“How exotic,” Jackson squeals in an overdone British accent. “So how do you feel about it?”

“I’m nervous.” As if he has been waiting for a chance to let it out, the words stumble past his lips with haste. Fond smiles reach him through his screen.

“He’s been pacing the floor for like 15 minutes,” Yugyeom’s lazy roomie discloses from the comfort of his bed.

“So, you must really like her?” Jaebum asks and Jackson nods as if Jaebum stole the words right out of his mouth. There is a pained expression on Yugyeom’s face and Jaebum knows what to do. “Just a sec.” He gets out his phone and within the next minute, Mark and Jinyoung join the call. As usual, the group of friends take the little achievements very seriously, so this deserves an intervention with all seven members present.

“Let’s unwrap this,” Jinyoung says solemnly. “You’re nervous?” Yugyeom nods. “Describe her to me.”

“She’s very different from me. She’s fearless and bold but we’ve only spoken properly once. I just see her around because she does a lot of the school activities. She was very considerate but very flirty which kind of overwhelms me,” Yugyeom shrugs his shoulders shyly, “and I guess she’s the kind to find a guy, make him her boyfriend and they’ll end up being known as _that_ couple until graduation. I just don’t know if that’s me… At all.” Jinyoung smiles shortly before swallowing it behind lips pulled into a thin, serious line.

“So that’s what scares you?” Yugyeom nods again. “Does it excite you at all?” Silence falls upon the Skype call.

“Possibly.”

“It’s always worth a shot if you have that gut feeling about her,” Mark takes over and Youngjae claps at that conclusion. Yugyeom simply nods and keeps quiet for a few seconds as his expression loosens up and a smile falls onto his face. With passionate motivational words from his friends, he heads out with renewed energy.

Annabel is already inside the practice room when Yugyeom gets there two minutes past their decided meeting time and apologises frantically. “It’s okay, Yugyeom. You’re barely late,” she chuckles and the lightness of her face and voice turns Yugyeom’s emotions down to something much calmer.

“So, how long have you danced?” Yugyeom asks as he sets his bag down and starts warming up.

“I’ve been in dance classes since I was 7. What about you?”

“As long as I can remember. It started getting more serious when I was around 10.”

“What changed?”

“I was watching people like Super Junior and BoA on TV when I thought that I wanted to be as good as them. Maybe I could become a backup dancer or part of a crew somewhere. Thoughts like that got my parents thinking I needed to take it a step further and it helped me a lot… Not just to get better at dancing but also for my mental state.”

“Your mental state?”

“I had- have some anxiety issues. It’s not that big of a problem anymore. Dancing helps and I have some amazing friends in Seoul.”

“Good friends and a creative outlet is usually the best way to go,” she smiles and Yugyeom makes a mental note that she kept the heavy conversation about anxiety for when - if – they have become closer which is greatly appreciated.

Once they start practicing, they stay on the topic of the moves they are learning until concentration burns out and they start joking around and doing other dances. As much as Yugyeom knows that practice makes perfect, his creativity likes to get in his way just as it does now; except it mixes with the desire to impress. “That one is from the school play I danced in about six months ago. It was my favourite moment in the whole play where the demon character lets out his frustrations once he is alone. It’s like he has told himself that he doesn’t need anyone enough times that he can’t stop living by that. When he meets someone, who wants to change that and who he finds himself to love, the right path becomes the pain. I loved portraying that struggle.” Her eyes glisten with interest and it sparks something unknown in Yugyeom’s chest that worsens as they talk and dance and goof around. Throughout their date, Yugyeom takes pleasure in finding out about the little things like how she would travel all the way to Britain and back just to get a proper Full English, how she loves her job at the ice cream shop close by and how her cat at home will cry out when she Skypes with her family because he misses her.

“My friend recently got a cat. His idea was to become more focused from her presence but all she does is distract him.” Yugyeom rolls his eyes at BamBam’s legendary logic.

“Your friends sound like a crazy bunch.”

“Crazy is right but I couldn’t ask for better people in my life.”

Their date ends perfectly as they walk to the dorms and part ways with a hug; not too much but promises that they both wish to continue this.

And they do. They plan to meet again the following Friday for ice cream where Annabel works. None of them has plans and Yugyeom has voiced his love for ice cream enough for her to get the hint. So, Friday they walk from campus to the ice cream shop in a joyful mood and progress is even made when Yugyeom, with a lot of anxiety, puts an arm over Annabel’s shoulder. Their heights match nicely for it and they share a look that completely disregards the need for words.

Happy Yugyeom orders his anticipated ice cream and starts eating the second he has it handed over by Annabel’s co-worker who sends her not-so-subtle looks every two seconds. An unexpected chain of emotions follows as Yugyeom’s pure enthusiasm makes Annabel giggle until Yugyeom gets shy and hides behind his ice cream. When they push the door open, however, an emotion enrols within the previously unsuspecting Yugyeom with his guard thrown off somewhere on the way to the ice cream parlour. Like a scene in a drama, Yugyeom lets the ice cream fall from his hand and onto the ground. The world slows down for Yugyeom because of the last pair of eyes he has expected to see, the last pair of eyes he has wanted to see.

Nothing can stop his increasing heartbeat or the throbbing in his ears. As his vision blurs out, he wishes to simply disappear and wake up in his bed back in Seoul where it is safe and warm. If only Youngjae were here to pull him away because his feet are frozen in this spot and there is no way Annabel can figure the situation out just by the tears in Yugyeom’s eyes and his frantic breathing. “Yugyeom, what’s going on?” He hears Annabel’s worried voice beside him as he watches the woman watching him; the woman that made him and afterwards an array of poor decisions that lead to a lot of issues for him. Clear is not what his mind is, but he knows one thing; that he has to run before his legs give up on him. So, he sets into a sprint that Annabel could not follow if she tried although, to be fair, Yugyeom has no idea if she did.

Tears fall in streams from the pressure of the unpleasant surprise. Mid-run, he pulls his phone out of his pocket. It takes three whole tries before Youngjae finally picks up to a sob from Yugyeom’s end.

“Yugyeom?” He sounds out of breath but there is a concern in his voice.

“I n-need you, Youngjae, please.”

“I’m on my way, Yugyeom,” Youngjae waists no time saying. “Hang in there, okay? It won’t take long.” With an affirming sound from Yugyeom, Youngjae hangs up and Yugyeom seeks temporary safety in his dorm room to pack a bag with whatever he can think of needing for going home. Thankfully his roommate is out and he can peacefully, meaning frantically, pack up. Tears fall and they keep falling as he rushes out of the dormitory and into the parking lot where he sits up against a wall to become as invisible as possible to anyone but Youngjae who knows where to look. He receives several confused texts from Annabel and questions of where he is but he keeps quiet against the wall like he isn’t even there.

“Shit, Jaebum, I have to go. Yugyeom is panicking.” Jaebum grunts and throws one of Youngjae’s pillows at the footboard while Youngjae frantically stumbles around the floor to find his scattered clothes and pull it all back on.

“He better have a really fucking fantastic reason for getting you to leave me unsatisfied and naked like this.”

“Just jerk off in the shower. Do not get any jizz on those sheets, they’re newly washed.” Jaebum’s face scrunches up with annoyance with the whole situation and frustration over Youngjae’s sheet logic.

“And how exactly does having sex in them not get them jizzed on pretty badly. Last time I checked, sex with you is a messy affair.”

“Shut up, Im Jaebum. I’m leaving now. My friend is having a panic attack 40 minutes away and I expect to be there in 30.”

“Drive fast but safe and don’t get caught!” He yells after Youngjae who is already out of the bedroom.

“Of course not! You’ve taught me well.” The door slams and Jaebum is left in his own misery with a neglected erection and over an hour until Youngjae is back.

Youngjae drives the speed limit and sometimes just a tad over. Blame it on Jaebum as all of Youngjae’s friends do. _“He is a bad influence on you, otter.”_ Guess who.

He gets there in exactly 32 minutes and finds Yugyeom up against a brick wall with a duffle bag and cheeks as red as his bloodshot eyes. “Oh, dear god,” Youngjae mutters to himself as he exits the car. “Yugyeom,” he calls and Yugyeom breaks into a run that ends in Youngjae’s arms and he cries harder. Youngjae is about 90% sure that he missed the actual panic attack and this is post-panic attack emotions that often occur when Yugyeom has panicked at the wrong place in front of the wrong people. Youngjae knows he was supposed to be on his second date when he called Youngjae up. “Get in the car. We’re going home for the weekend.” Yugyeom obeys without hesitation and gets into the passenger seat with his bag that he pushes into the backseat.

“How bad?” Youngjae asks once they are out of the parking lot.

“I locked eyes with,” he takes a shaky breath in and out, “my biological mother and dropped my ice cream. Then I ran from my date without a word, so I’d say it’s pretty bad.”

“What? Shit, what’s she doing here?”

“Over my head,” Yugyeom sighs with relief as they drive further from his school in the safety of Youngjae’s parents’ car. For a while, they sit in silence as Yugyeom absorbs the well-known calm atmosphere one breath at a time. “She sent me texts,” Yugyeom mutters, “Annabel,” he clarifies.

“Did you reply?”

“Not yet.”

“I think you need to.”

“It’s just… Weird.”

“She deserves to know what happened. At least part of it.”

“Yeah.”

“Well then.”

“Well then,” Yugyeom repeats and puts his phone back in his pocket.

“No, no, no, Kim Yugyeom. You have to put your awkward feelings aside, okay? She deserves to know how and where you are.” Yugyeom sighs and pulls his phone back out.

“I hate when you’re right.”

“You and Jaebum could bond over that for hours, I’m sure,” Youngjae jokes and it makes Yugyeom smile again. He misses his oldest friend, he misses all of his friends. Everything is so new and he has to learn how to react to new behaviours that usually lacks precaution when it comes to his anxiety. It makes sense that he keeps it to himself, that he wants to be known for more than his anxiety but having to walk around with that burden alone all over makes him revisit some feelings he had hoped to forget. Annabel has been the first person he dared mention it to.

And then this happened.

With unsure hands and Youngjae’s help, he patches a text together that lets Annabel know he is okay without revealing specifics and he promises to meet and speak to her on Monday.

“Why’d you call me and not your parents?”

“Because I need my parents once I’m home. For now, I just need my oldest friend, nothing else.”

“I’ll always be there, even if I have to leave Jaebum grumpy and naked for it.” The realisation hits Yugyeom and his mischievous grin makes a grand entrance.

“That’s why it took so long for you to answer.”

“Yes, and I wouldn’t expect Jaebum to go easy on you once he sees you.” As the distance between Yugyeom and his mother grows, Yugyeom finds it easier to breathe and finds himself chuckling softly along with Youngjae at the joke. It crosses his mind how afraid he used to be at the simple mention of Jaebum’s name and how that has turned into a friendship that thrives on Yugyeom’s teasing and Jaebum shooting his angry jaw out at him. In the friendly company, he is not fearful and he knows that one day, if all goes well when he gets back, Annabel will be the same which is why he sighs loudly in the car.

“What?”

“I know I have to face her again when I get back. It just scares me… The thoughts she might be having about me now after I ran off like that.”

“If she is the way you described her, I’m sure she will understand and forgive those events. It wasn’t in your control.”

Once they pull in at Yugyeom’s house, the front door opens and his parents, friends and brother pour out of the front door. “And that would be Jaebum’s revenge,” Youngjae sighs at the mess of people who are all looking anxiously at the two boys in the front seat.

“Hi,” Youngjae says as he exits the car first and lets Yugyeom stand behind him, tall enough to look over his head. “The situation is under control so stand back and let the man breathe.” With a hand on Youngjae’s shoulder, he meets everyone’s eyes before his own go blurry and a warm drop slips down his cheek in a sentimental moment that everyone interprets the wrong way despite his small smile.

“No, no, I’m fine. It just overwhelms me – in a good way – that you’re all here for me,” he says timidly. Youngjae gives up on being a shield and lets the hugging begin. Everyone join in until they are a big lump of people in the front yard of Yugyeom’s house.

“Let’s go inside, mum and dad made food,” Yugyeom’s brother says from somewhere in the pile that breaks up. While BamBam gets a hold of Yugyeom, Jaebum pulls Youngjae to the back of the group which earns them knowing glances from all of their friends. _Did Jaebum really put aside his pride to tell them about how Youngjae ditched him right before sex to be Yugyeom’s saviour?_ Youngjae doubts it.

The second Youngjae’s eyes meet Jaebum’s, he knows exactly why everyone else knows. “Your little oh so helpless friend texted everyone how you left me and I might have to kill him.”

“Permission granted, but not in front of his parents, please.” At this, Jaebum’s expression turns amused in pure fondness and he squeezes Youngjae’s arms with love before going in for an abruptly heated kiss that only lasts a few seconds and takes Youngjae by storm. “Later,” he mutters before grabbing Jaebum’s hand and rushing as unnoticed as possible into the house; an easy task when all attention is on Yugyeom.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I missed doing this.  
> Tell me what you guys thought in the comments! Have I gotten rusty? ;)


	37. Sequel - Nobody Knows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today’s update was a little late because my friend has just come home from South America but I promised myself to post before going to bed. I’ve spiced this up nicely for you guys so I hope you’ll like it.

Everyone casts aside any plans they have that weekend so they can hang out with Yugyeom while he is in town. That very night, the seven of them return to Yugyeom’s house with pyjamas, pillows, blankets and sleeping bags for a sleepover. They eat pizza and play video games in the living room for hours before they settle into their sleeping bags or blankets and the talking begins.

“I just wanna say that I remember having a conversation prior to any of this happening where Youngjae specifically chose Jaebum as the hottest guy at school, despite his personality.” Youngjae opens his mouth to protest to Jackson ratting him out.

“I was going to deny it but I’ve got nothing,” Youngjae sighs and turns to find Jaebum smirking as expected. “You’ve gifted him a high horse to sit on, Jackson, did you really have to?” As a matter of fact, Jackson does look a little regretful that he brought it up and Youngjae feels like he can get back on his best friend’s team.

“Hey, Yugyeom,” Mark says suddenly and the room fills to the brim with anticipating silence. “What’s Annabel really like now that you’ve met with her a couple of times?” The silence turns solemn as attention directs towards Yugyeom. None of the people present, except for Yugyeom and Youngjae, knows what happened on his date for him to break down as he did, so for all they know, Annabel might have been the one to scare him off.

“She’s gentler than I thought. Her level of understanding is almost too huge. Just today she has sent me a couple of reassuring texts. No questions, just wishing me a great time at home. For some reason, I feel safe with her even though we’ve barely talked. It scares me because I’d hate to get hurt for foolishly trusting someone. I can’t help it… I can’t.” Overjoyed silence returns and Yugyeom gets very obviously creeped out by the smiling faces surrounding him. “Guys, please.”

“That’s the cutest love story every since 2Jae and I was here for both,” Jackson swoons in his usual dramatic way.

“So sorry, Yug, but I have to agree with Jackson,” BamBam says with a big grin on his face.

“I think we all agree,” Youngjae says with his blinding smile that rubs off on Yugyeom – and everyone else for that matter.

With that said, Jaebum leans in close to Youngjae’s ear and whispers; “ours was cuter,” only for Youngjae to hear and for which he receives a subtle elbow to the ribs. “What? I know you agree,” he whispers and it catches everyone else’s attention.

“Get a room,” Jinyoung bites bitterly at Jaebum’s smirking face before making puking motions just to get on his best friend’s nerves even more. Because Jinyoung knows exactly what buttons to press, Jaebum leaves Youngjae on his own to annoy Jinyoung back.

In the meantime, Youngjae seeks back the lacking warmth with his bestie, Jackson, where he can simply lean back on Jackson’s chest and suck it in. Jackson responds to this with a hum and his arms wrapping around Youngjae. “My one and only otter,” Jackson says lovingly and Youngjae grins with full content. It doesn’t take long for Jaebum to get jealous but Youngjae simply laughs it off and sends him a knowing smile as to say; “I’m yours, don’t worry.”

The rest of the night, Jaebum seems off to Youngjae and surely the others too but Youngjae has to wait until tomorrow to find out when he invites Mark out for coffee and a talk. It wears off a little in the morning when they wake up and eat breakfast together in the kitchen. Although it seems like Jaebum is no fan of the way Mark, Yugyeom and Youngjae have fun giving back hugs to each other while preparing breakfast. Youngjae feels it in the way Jaebum holds his hand a little tighter on their way to Jaebum’s place where they were supposed to make up for what was interrupted yesterday. Nothing about Jaebum says “let’s have sex,” and even if it did, Youngjae would quite frankly not want to. Not when the mood is this heavy. So Youngjae tries to talk to his silent boyfriend but gets nothing but shrugs and huffs in return. “I’ve had it, Jaebum, we can’t do anything about this if you don’t tell me why you’re mad at me. Call me when you’re ready to talk, okay? I’m going.” Youngjae watches Jaebum’s turned back for a silent moment before he leaves with a hurt, “I love you so much, Jaebum,” that starts the waterworks at the slam of the door.

“I just don’t understand. He’s used to me being touchy with all of you. It’s not like I kissed anyone right on the mouth.” Youngjae falls back into his seat with despair on his face. Right now, he is counting on Mark’s elite observation skills to have figured out what the matter is. “What changed?”

“I don’t think it was the kind of jealousy you think.” Once Mark lays the first cards on the table, Youngjae moves forward in his seat again and takes a long sip of his caramel coffee. “It’s something beyond that. I don’t know what, I can’t read minds,” _you’d think_ , “but I’m sure it’s something that is burdening him. He’s closing in on himself like he used to. As you know, those habits have stuck with him especially when he feels insecure. Dealing with that is not his forte.” Youngjae watches with anticipation as Mark’s lips form a sure smile. “But it’s yours.” The finger pointed at Youngjae puts a big fat line underneath the answer.

“I tried to talk to him but he just got angry. I’m pretty sure he hates when I try to guess my way to the problem but how am I supposed to know when he won’t tell me. He knows as well as I do that it won’t end before we’ve talked about it,” Youngjae lets out just to kill the fuse before he has to go back to Jaebum and ask questions.

“Be patient and see what you can get out of him. He loves you and you know him so well. It’s all gonna work out.” The reassurance helps Youngjae lighten up and they manage to change the subject to Mark’s writing while they finish their coffee.

Carefully, BamBam puts the band-aid on Yugyeom’s arm in the bathroom. “Your cat is a diva, I’m sorry, but I didn’t even go near her.” Yugyeom rolls his eyes in annoyance at the fact that BamBam now has a predator living with him that is ready to fight whoever she passes.

“She did it to me too, look.” BamBam lifts his arm to show Yugyeom the fading scratches like it is supposed to help the situation at all. “Once she feels more comfortable around strangers in the house, she’ll stop, okay? Stop being so negative.” A scoff is all BamBam gets in return. “Sorry… I’m sorry,” BamBam sighs with his head down.

“It’s okay, Bammie.” The intense best friend powers, that Yugyeom possesses half of, sense jealousy. “And… If you wanna know, I called Youngjae for a reason. He was there when… When she was still around. He was with me the last time I visited her.” Seeing as BamBam lacks some important information, this statement confuses him. “I saw her yesterday and she saw me. I didn’t panic because of my date, I just happened to be on a date at the time.” BamBam’s face falls into fright as he reaches for his best friend’s sleeves and pulls him close. Embarrassment at his, in hindsight, insignificant jealousy, bubbles up and he hides apologetically in Yugyeom’s shoulder. “But I’m okay. My parents are getting in touch with my school and some law people to make sure she won’t try to come see me.”

“Wow, Yugyeom, I had no idea. I’m really sorry that I acted like that,” he scoffs at himself, “jealous of Youngjae of all people. We’re all best friends, I know. I think I just felt ‘second choiced’”

“I get it. It was just one of the moments where I really needed Youngjae. If it had been a… Cat emergency, I’d have called you, of course,” Yugyeom says with a proud smile and fully knowing that was the weakest example he could have come up with.

“Yeah thanks, I’m glad to be your private cat consultant.” There is no way in hell, BamBam can get through that sentence with full on eye contact without laughing and he knew that before trying. With that out of the way, peaceful silliness is restored between the two friends. “You could’ve said fashion,” BamBam adds bitterly, mid-hug but Yugyeom simply shushes him and hugs him tighter.

Since when has Jackson signed up to listen to all this cursing over Youngjae just because he has a study date with Youngjae’s boyfriend’s childhood friend? “I’m actually spending my Saturday studying and I have dramas to catch up on tonight, so if you could finish up trash-talking my best friend, that would be great,” Jackson salts all over Jaebum’s territory and it pisses Jaebum off as Jackson sometimes does.

“Calm down.” Two hands press flat against Jaebum’s chest to calmly hold him back; Jinyoung knows how and when to act around angry Jaebum from years of experience and he has a hunch that it is the reason Jaebum came to him. “You’re worked up and you’re saying some things you’ll regret later, so stop, okay?” Jaebum’s nostrils stop flaring at the very least. “You’re relapsing, so to speak, and that’s probably because there’s something bigger bothering you. Go straight home and think about that a little bit. Call me if you get too angry.” A hug later, Jaebum is out the door.

“I hope he cools down. Poor Youngjae.” Jackson furrows his brows and puts on a pout.

“Poor Jaebum, he’s struggling to follow how open everyone is.” Sighing is not enough to end this conversation, contrary to Jinyoung’s plan.

“It’s not as bad as it used to be, but I feel like our worlds still revolve around them sometimes,” Jackson says and closes his book in no attempt to be subtle about postponing studying despite his preaching just minutes ago. “And I don’t mean it in a bad way. It’s actually barely a thing anymore but I think it has left its mark within me.”

Disgruntled, Jinyoung leans against the back of his desk chair and faces Jackson who is sitting on Jinyoung’s bed. “Tell me about it,” he huffs and Jackson seems to like that reply.

“I feel like we need to make a statement to ourselves that we’re individuals too, you know?” Jinyoung furrows his eyebrows to indicate something along the lines of _no, I don’t know,_ “We need to do something outrageous for ourselves.”

Intrigued and slightly worried, Jinyoung leans forward in his chair. “I’m listening.”

“Well, I have an idea… But.” Jackson _never_ hesitates like this, so Jinyoung worries a little about what excessiveness he has come up with to make him doubt the idea himself. The most extreme things pop up into Jinyoung's mind and he sincerely hopes this is not about to turn worryingly grim.

“But?”

“But it involves not doing much homework but instead some pretty, how to put this…, homosexual activities.” Sincerely relieved that Jackson is not contemplating jumping off the roof of their school or some other insane thing, Jinyoung sighs with a hand on his chest before he allows himself to freak out at the suggestion.

“Thank god you don’t wanna hurt yourself,” Jinyoung starts off to explain his initial reaction. “You had me thinking the worst.” Jackson just sits in silence with a tiny confident smile that feels misplaced to Jinyoung and awaits an answer from the stunned male in front of him. “But, Seun-ah, how would that help?” Jinyoung asks with his soft argumentative voice and the fairly recently created nickname thrown in there for an extra softening effect.

“It’s just for the sake of breaking free… I’m not suggesting we date. I’m not in love with you, despite your devilish charms.” Jinyoung huffs and smiles in embarrassment meanwhile Jackson remains serious. “But I trust you and we don’t have to make it weird. It can just be expressing friendly love like that night on your balcony with the others.”

“That was different. It was a really vulnerable moment and it was only a peck… By all of us.”

“But it wasn’t weird because we’re close.”

“Seun-ah.” The nickname is meant to talk sense into Jackson but it only works him up even more.

“Why not? What’s the harm? And I could really use a kiss from someone who’s genuinely an angel. It’s been a while since anyone has done more than _peck_ me,” Jackson confesses with a sharp tone around the end. For a moment, Jinyoung says nothing and simply watches Jackson’s desperation as if to double check if it is real. Not that he doesn’t trust Jackson’s word but the situation feels too absurd to be caused by real feelings. – Jackson sighs at Jinyoung’s stiff reaction and soon moves off the bed. “Stop me if you feel uncomfortable,” Jackson announces as he strides incredibly gently towards Jinyoung and takes a seat in his lap like it is nothing. – Unless he is thinking about it wrong and it actually only makes sense because it is so real. Up close, he feels the desperation prick his skin and it feels too rough not to acknowledge it. The stories of the girl who hurt him; Jackson wants to overwrite them. That must be the case judging by the desperate flickering in his eyes.

Once Jackson has his hands planted on Jinyoung’s soft cheeks, Jinyoung takes action and pecks Jackson once, twice… And the third time, his lips linger and Jackson immediately responds with healthy enthusiasm. Clearly, Jackson did truthfully need this because he orders Jinyoung’s lips around the way he needs them which Jinyoung complies to and treats it as a comforting hug more than a kiss. His arms reach all the way around Jackson’s frame and he holds him tight. Maybe not so surprisingly, Jinyoung finds himself blown away by Jackson’s skilled lips and maybe it actually does feel nice to gain some ground of their own. It is only when something salty infiltrates the kiss from outside, that Jinyoung pulls away abruptly. Paralysed, he watches the tears that stream down Jackson’s face as he breathes heavily from the long kiss.

“Jackson, what’s going on?” Jackson attempts to wipe his tears off his cheeks but they are soon replaced by new ones that Jinyoung’s concerned gaze follow stubbornly. “Talk to me, Seun-ah.” Jinyoung keeps his arms where they were comfortingly placed around Jackson’s back and his fingers work in light strokes to calm down the crying friend in his lap.

“Do you think anyone is ever going to fall in love with me?” Jinyoung looks shocked at Jackson for some confused seconds.

“Of course, I do. In fact, I could name a few right now who I suspect could already be good candidates.”

“Really?” Jackson sniffles with hopeful eyes, “because sometimes it feels like I’m just not fit for it. I know I have you guys who love me… I just think I love too much. It’s exhausting and I’m running out of energy. Who would want someone too tired to love? What if you guys don’t even want me anymore. What if I can get used up?” It is not to be rude that Jinyoung looks at him the way he does. His wide eyes and slightly o-shaped mouth, are just an expression of the shock he is experiencing.

“Seun-ah, we would never stop loving you… And it’s okay to be tired. Let yourself sit back and receive some love instead. That won’t stop us from feeling yours.” Jinyoung reaches for Jackson’s lips with his own and takes control of them for a change. With everything Jinyoung has, he smears Jackson with love until he has to stop for a breather. Suddenly it does feel like it did on Jinyoung’s balcony. Such a timid moment is only meant for friends who care about each other as much as they do.

“Thank you,” Jackson whispers softly against Jinyoung’s lips that are still tracing Jackson’s softly as they both breathe heavily. “I needed that.”

Their lips collide for the last time before Jackson steps off Jinyoung who says; “I’m always here for you. Besides, you’re kinda hot and that was one hell of a kiss.” He winks but fails to hold in his laughter at the joking – although true – statement he presented to his friend. Jackson joins in and with that, they proceed to their studies with much better energy than before.

If only it were that easy for Youngjae to talk to Jaebum but, for some reason, he has been completely cut off for the moment so he calls Mark before his blood starts to boil for real. “He keeps disconnecting my calls. I swear to god, I’m so done.”

“Youngjae… Give him one night of silence and if he hasn’t replied, go over there tomorrow. If anything, you can talk to his mother.” Youngjae breathes out all the frustration he can.

“He has until I’ve dropped Yugyeom off at school.”

“Good idea… How is he by the way?”

“Not sure, he’s been with BamBam today but I think he’s better. It was a bit of a shock but Yugyeom is probably the one who should decide whether or not he wants to tell you guys what happened. I can ask him tomorrow.”

“It’s fine, I don’t mean to snoop.”

“I’ll get back to you with some updates tomorrow.”

“Goodnight, Youngjae. Get some sleep.”

“Goodnight, Mark. Thanks for...”

"I know. It's no problem."


	38. Sequel - Fine

Not a word from Jaebum, Youngjae finds when he checks his phone immediately after waking up. Jackson, however, has asked if he can join them on the trip back so Youngjae takes the discussion the oldest group chat he is a part of.

Otter: _How do you guys feel about dropping Yug off together?_

China Man: _ROAD TRIP!! With the originals!!! Otter, I love your ideas ;*_

Dancing Machine: _That would be fun!_

DabDab: _I’m in. When do we meet?_

Otter: _Boarding: 3 pm KST, Gate: Yugyeom’s front door. ;)_

When it comes to having fun, even just for a while during difficult times, these people are pros which suits Youngjae sublimely for today. It will be such a relieving time for him where they can talk about the fun things and no big drama. That is what Youngjae expects of the 40-minute ride but does life ever end up as expected? 

Things are off to an idyllic start when Youngjae pulls up to Yugyeom’s house. Everything feels pretty perfect, all things considered. Bags go in the trunk and Yugyeom scoots into the front seat while BamBam goes in the back behind Youngjae. They can see Jackson jogging towards them further down the road and they wave in amusement as he closes in on them. “Hop in. We’re ready for take-off.”

“Yes, captain,” Jackson salutes and rushes into the backseat. “So, tell us, what’s up with Jaebum?” Jackson asks Youngjae immediately after shutting the car door to which Youngjae sighs deeply - idyllic atmosphere straight out the window. From Jaebum’s rant yesterday, all Jackson has to work with are the ramblings of a madman and that is nothing to base a stable theory on.

“I don’t wanna talk about that right now. I need it off my mind.”

“Oh, wow, it’s serious?”

“I have no idea. He won’t reply to me so I’m giving him until I get back home. If he doesn’t, I’m going over there.” Determined Youngjae is the new sexy according to Jackson who is all about helping Youngjae forget for now.

“Mark?” Youngjae nods at BamBam’s guess. “Good call… Now let’s talk about something else.”

“Damn, I need to stop for petrol,” Youngjae says once he has glanced down at the fuel gauge.

“There’s a petrol station just around that corner.” Yugyeom points and Jackson squints at the sight of the pretty big scar on his arm. What comes next is an example of two things: 1. Why you should _never_ scream unexpectedly when someone is sitting behind the wheel of a car. 2. Why you should _always_ ask before assuming the worst.

“KIM YUGYEOM HOW COULD YOU CUT YOUR WRIST LIKE THAT?” His voice is so loud that it startles the whole car including the driver so the car does an awkward stop that almost results in a collision with the car behind them as Youngjae tries to match Jackson’s panic while also remaining calm enough to turn the corner and into the petrol station.

“WHAT? YUGYEOM? WHEN DID YOU CUT YOURSELF? OH MY GOD, SEVERAL TIMES,” Youngjae basically yells as he sees the cuts in question; three lines very equally aligned with each other.

“Calm down! It was BamBam’s freaking cat that scratched me. I didn’t cut myself,” Yugyeom reasons and the car grows calmer quickly. As Yugyeom starts looking strongly offended by the accusations made against his state of mind, BamBam is in his corner of the backseat snickering at the extreme reaction and the state of the two naïve friends that just had the biggest fright of their lives.

“Okay, thank god we’ve stopped cause I need to breathe some fresh air,” Youngjae says and exits the car with flustered determination. While he fills the car up, Jackson hugs Yugyeom with the car seat between them but when has something like that ever stopped that man?

“Hey, guys,” Yugyeom tries – probably to change the subject away from what the fuck just happened – “Do you think it’s gonna be okay with Youngjae and Jaebum. Youngjae is usually not this quiet about their problems.” Concern fills Yugyeom’s features.

“They’ll work it out. Jaebum is being stubborn but he always softens in the end and they’ll talk,” BamBam assures while Jackson caresses the worry away via his arm that is within unrestrained reach.

“All done,” Youngjae announces as he opens the car door. “Let’s get going.”

“I really hope your cat learns to keep her claws away soon.”

“ _Cloud_ just needs to get used to the new home and strangers coming to visit.” Jackson hums with little to no trust in those words and BamBam brushes it off with an eye-roll.

“Soooo,” Youngjae says to deflate the situation, “how’s studying, Jack?”

“I was supposed to study at Jinyoung’s yesterday but then…” He backpedals mid-sentences regarding the sudden appearance of a certain angry boyfriend and skips that little detail which leads him to the, probably, even bigger, little tiny detail. “Uuuh, well, I talked to Jinyoung about some identity stuff.” If only the conversation could end here.

“Why’d you say it like that?” BamBam asks with an eyebrow suspiciously raised.

“Like what?”

“You know what. You were stalling. What happened?” Jackson, as casually as possible, pulls out his phone as he denies that fact. With his screen hidden from everyone, he texts Jinyoung.

Wang Gae: _SOS! I think they are finding out that we kissed! My face is an open book. HELP!_

The three dots are all Jackson can focus on with sweat forming on his forehead so it goes by unnoticed that BamBam is watching him. Just like that, as a message from Jinyoung pops up, the phone is snatched out of his hand and all he can do is fight for his phone back as he watches BamBam’s face change into what will be the second freak-out of the drive.

“YOU AND JINYOUNG KISSED?”

“WHAT?”

Wang Gae: _Yeah… They know. Sorry._

Park Gae: _They were gonna find out eventually._

Park Gae: _Plus, I’m with Mark. You think I wasn’t figured before I as much as breathed?_

Park Gae: _Jaebum was there too :----)))))) so everyone knows now. Lovely._

Wang Gae: _I gotta go I’m being screamed at, at volumes previously unknown to my poor ears. I’ll try to handle this <3_

“Please, shush,” Jackson attempts with big arm gestures to emphasise the _shush_. “Yes, we kissed, but it’s nothing like what you perves are thinking.” Sensibility thankfully proves dominant with Jackson’s friends and they shut up for now. “I was feeling overwhelmed by the idea that I might be too clingy… I’ve been dreading for a while that you would all grow tired of me.” His three friends draw sharp breaths to stop themselves from interrupting. “So, I needed to feel loved… It wasn’t romantic; it was just friendly love.” A weak smile is all Jackson can muster.

“We love you, Jackson Wang, don’t doubt that.” Those words silence the car completely while BamBam reaches out for Jackson’s hand to make sure that what Youngjae said has sunk in properly. There must have gone at least 5 minutes of complete silence before Youngjae breaks it; a silence within which Jackson realises just how true Jinyoung’s comfort was and how much his friends mean it when they declare their love to him. “Okay, I have to ask,” Youngjae says like he has been holding it in for the whole long silence. “How was he?” Yugyeom makes an awkward noise and BamBam yells out in joy.

“To be honest, I’ve never been kissed like that. For a moment there, I kind of fell in love – in a friendly way. Jinyoung is important to me and he kisses like a pro, I tell you. I was knocked backwards. His lips are so soft.” Silence returns but this time it is loaded with opinions that are about to explode onto Jackson.

“Shit, you’re snatched,” BamBam says before laughing at the whole situation.

“Am not. I mean what I said,” Jackson defends with his arms crossed and an overly hurt expression.

“I think it’s nice,” Youngjae reasons, “that friends can do something like that for each other.” Jackson thanks Youngjae a million times in his mind and reminds himself to buy him some frozen yoghurt one of these days. “Jackson kissed me once, remember?”

“Okay, but let me ask you this,” BamBam is ready to dig deeper, “from what you’ve told me, you two only shared a few seconds of closed mouth lip on lip, am I correct?” Jackson and Youngjae nod. “What did you and Jinyoung do?”

“Uh, it was… Deep but only because I needed it to be. If Youngjae wasn’t with anyone, he would have done that for me too.” Youngjae nods eagerly into the rear-view mirror.

“Of course.” Yugyeom looks over at BamBam and nods softly.

“I guess,” BamBam grumbles like he really wanted them to fall for each other.

The rest of the ride goes by without nearly as many confessions or screams of terror while Yugyeom feels the nerves strike as the familiar surroundings of the campus come into view. The school is close now which means Annabel is too – and potentially his biological mother also but that is the part he is trying hard to suppress by remembering his true mother's words; "we've called everyone we needed to call. You're safe there, sweetheart."

When the car pulls into the parking lot, Yugyeom’s heart is ready to burst out of his chest and he has gone completely mute. His trembling hands open the car door and once they have everything, Yugyeom leads the way into the dorms and his room. “Nice to meet you in person,” Yugyeom’s tall friend greets them and they all return the formalities with excitement about experiencing some of Yugyeom’s new life here. They get shown around by the absent-minded Yugyeom, who keeps locking and unlocking his phone until BamBam puts his hand on top of Yugyeom’s.

“Text her.” Yugyeom looks over at Jackson and Youngjae for more opinion on the matter. All they do is nod reassuringly. So, he texts her that he is back once they stand just outside the main entrance of Yugyeom’s building and it takes no more than seven minutes for her to appear with emotion flickering confused on her face. The time is impressive considering she lives in a flat that is not on campus.

“Hi,” she breathes out nervously with three pairs of eyes all curiously staring at the two people as they walk with impactfully eager steps towards each other. “How are you?” Her bobbed hair bounces as she approaches him and her eyes flicker subtly between Yugyeom's. Somehow she looks the most beautiful the way she does now; unprepared. Her white t-shirt sits loosely on her body and is french tucked into her jeans. Maybe it's the stripped look that makes Yugyeom want to reach out with the purest intentions.

“I’m okay, uh, these weirdos are my friends.” They stand on a row with big knowing smiles and wave at Annabel who can see the humour in the situation. She begins to laugh merrily and that is when their friends are certain that Yugyeom is 100% falling in love; judging by the look in his eyes that, by the way, follow her every move.

“Good to meet you. I’ve heard so much amazing stuff about you all.”

“Jackson Wang, China Man,” Jackson comes forward with his best English, a wink and his hand stretched out for her to take. She shakes it firmly and nods.

“Yeah, Yugyeom told me you’re a charmer,” she giggles and looks over at Yugyeom who has basically just melted into a puddle of goo on the ground. “You two must be Youngjae and BamBam, am I right?” They nod from behind Jackson.

“You really pay attention,” Youngjae notes and sticks his own hand out. “I’m Youngjae.” She greets BamBam too who immediately starts embarrassing Yugyeom in every way he can. While the three of them amuse themselves – BamBam and Annabel more than Yugyeom – Youngjae strikes up a curious conversation with Jackson.

“Jack, if you ever feel like things are too much, you know you can always book me for a movie night. Jackson, I don’t ever want you feeling burdened by our dynamics.” Youngjae kisses Jackson’s cheek and the sentiment is received with appreciation.

“Thank you, Jae.”

“I wouldn’t give you up for anything, Jack. You’re my partner in crime and I can trust you with all my deepest darkest secrets.”

“I can trust you too,” and then it feels like Jackson has a moment of realisation. “Jaebum came over when I was with Jinyoung yesterday… I wasn’t sure if I was gonna say but,” Jackson breathes in deeply, “he just kinda raged it all out to Jinyoung but he was obviously avoiding the truth the whole time. Even I could tell and I was barely listening because I couldn’t stand all that cursing about you.” Youngjae’s face falls so Jackson grabs his hand and squeezes it tightly. “Don’t worry, Jinyoung calmed him down and told him to go home and think before his anger got the best of him. Too late in my opinion.”

Youngjae sighs. “I wanna call Jaebum a stubborn asshole but honestly I think he’s just struggling and I need to acknowledge that too. I feel hurt, yes, but his take on this is just as valid and I need to take that into account. What I really dislike is the waiting though,” Youngjae rants and Jackson chuckles as he shakes his head.

“Jaebum, he’ll always be a little complex for us.”

“The only people who really have him figured out are Mark and Jinyoung.”

“Mark has everyone figured out and Jinyoung has known him forever so it makes sense.”

“About him… You really aren’t falling in love, right?”

“I assure you, you’ll be the first to know if I have a change of heart.” Youngjae only gets to smile at Jackson before his phone vibrates in his hand and he turns it to find Jaebum's name lighting up on the screen.

“Oh my god. FINALLY!” Youngjae does a little happy dance and suddenly, BamBam and Jackson are rushed into leaving and everyone but Jackson look at him weirdly. “Jaebum finally wants to talk about Friday. I swear that stubborn boy is testing his luck with me sometimes.” Even Annabel understands since Yugyeom has clearly explained to her what’s what in their group of friends. “We’ll see you again, I’m sure,” Youngjae says sweetly before hugging Annabel and then Yugyeom. “Talk to her. She’ll understand,” he whispers into Yugyeom’s ear and with one last comforting look, Youngjae leaves it up to Yugyeom as he waits for the others to say their goodbyes.

“See you guys soon!” Yugyeom yells once they are walking off.

“Of course. We can’t live without you for very long at a time.”

_And then came the talks..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this sequel will be five chapters long in total just so you guys have an idea of what this is. It might be six if I feel like it needs more but I'll keep you guys updated on that ;)


	39. Sequel - Sunrise

Not once, does Jackson’s eyes leave the speedometer while Youngjae is driving them home  _very_  eagerly. Every time the little arrow as much as touches the speed limit, Jackson will yell out loud until Youngjae complies to his words. “Otter, I don’t like what that boy is turning you into. Stop trying to get a speeding ticket.” BamBam agrees from the backseat and Youngjae keeps just under the speed limit for the sake of his friends’ peace of mind and safety too. As impatient as Youngjae is to get back, getting in a car accident is not ideal in any way and he has already been dangerously close once today – mind you, that was Jackson’s fault.

First Youngjae drops BamBam off in front of his home where an evening of studying and a million cups of tea awaits him. His shoulders droop as he walks up the stairs to the third floor and unlocks the front door, sighing at the familiar warmth of his flat. “BamBam, you have a guest in your bedroom,” his mother calls after him in Thai to which his brows furrow and curiosity pushes away all thoughts of the homework awaiting him.

“Thanks, ma! The boys said hi,” he calls back before walking all the way to the bottom of the hallway and opening his bedroom door curiously for his breath to hitch in his throat and then for him to stop breathing just like how the world stops turning then and there. “Cho Jisun,” BamBam breathes out and his body – shoulders rising - is able to move into his room and close the door behind him. Jisun is sitting on his bed with the freshly cut ends of her hair brushing against her shoulders and Cloud resting calmly in her lap. A sight to see considering her previous assaults on both BamBam and his guests.

Something in Jisun’s eyes tells BamBam that she did not just drop by to catch up since the time they met at the play several months ago. “I like your new haircut,” BamBam compliments from his place by the door.

“Thanks, BamBam. I’m sorry to just come over like this… I know I should have called first but…” she trails off like she has no reasoning for her actions and BamBam finally comes to sit down beside her.

“Did you wait a long time for me?” She shakes her head.

“About 15 minutes.”

“Okay.” It is a boring word but BamBam’s tone shows his relief and that’s more than enough for Jisun. “Why did you come?”

“Uh, I… I guess some stuff resurfaced with me when we met at the play,” she avoids eye contact but it is hardly possible that she does not feel the way BamBam’s gaze is burning on her skin. “I kind of miss you.” She takes a breath and so does BamBam. “And I know we took a hit after my mother-”

“My teacher,” BamBam shoots in.

“After she saw us the way she did… But I think that was cowardly of us. I guess I moved on back then and kept living but was I really over you? No. I realised that over the summer.”

Over the summer, Youngjae and Jaebum made themselves so much a part of each other’s lives. Did Youngjae think that Jaebum could make him nervous this way anymore? Not at all - and no way in hell did he think he would be standing in front of Jaebum’s door with his hand hovering so hesitantly above the doorbell. Eventually, he presses down on the cold metal button and the machine beeps at him aggressively just to shove it in his face. “who’s there?” Jaebum’s voice sounds… Could it be that he is just as nervous? This argument has been an oddly big deal for the two of them and this meeting feels impactful.

“It’s Youngjae.”  _Wow, well done Youngjae, you can’t even get through two words without vulnerability spilling out of you and you are not even being looked at with those eyes that strip you so finely of any guard or disguise._  Buzz, click, Youngjae is inside. He takes it slow on the way up the stairs to wear off the nerves, hopefully. When he reaches the right floor, it still hasn’t worked and he can see Jaebum’s silhouette against the wall through the little crack of the door. “Hi,” Youngjae says with his heart in his throat and the doorknob clenched in his fist. Jaebum looks up with so many emotions flicking through his eyes that Youngjae could drop everything and rush him into an embrace but for the first time in their relationship, he is not sure if he is allowed.

“Hey… My room,” Jaebum mutters loud enough for Youngjae to hear. He kicks off his shoes in a hurry and follows Jaebum loyally. It is gloomy in there like someone has been thinking long and hard about something quite bittersweet. “Uhm, it’s… Hard,” Jaebum opens like he wants to say more but does not know the right words. With caution, Youngjae takes a step closer and puts his trembling hand on Jaebum’s arm. He cannot say that he is not deeply worried about the outcome of this conversation. With the way Jaebum is avoiding his gaze, Youngjae goes as far as to fear that this is the end. The thought rips at his heart and make his tears show for it despite his effort against it. “I want to explain to you how I’m feeling… We’ve done it so many times but I think I dug myself back into a hole this time.”

“Take your time,” Youngjae says unable to hide his sorrow of the nightmare prediction that is haunting his thoughts. At this, Jaebum looks up and his eyes water at the sight.

“No, Youngjae, don’t cry." By pure instinct, they pull each other closer to compose themselves. It takes nearly ten minutes of sobbing and deep breaths. “Let’s go to the roof.” They have been up on the roof at the end of a few great dates so it feels like the perfect place to talk and clear their heads. Youngjae is handed Jaebum’s leather jacket from the back of his closet and it almost brings him back to tears. The wind on the roof is sharp and cool but the jacket keeps him warm which is the way it is supposed to be. The smell of Jaebum oozes from the once overused piece of clothing and it warms his insides as well. For a while, they sit on the concrete floor opposite each other and take a run-up of simply breathing until Jaebum is ready for the big leap.

“I think it’s just hard for me to… Show affection still… Well, no,” he huffs out a smile that lightens the situation like the rock has been switched out with a feather and Youngjae’s heart bounces with relief, “but with friends. It’s not something I initiate very often. I take affection and enjoy it but I don’t give much. I got jealous but not because you were having fun with your friends. I got jealous because I want to be as natural about those things as you are.” He gulps and reaches out for Youngjae’s hand. “I guess I still have some way to go if I want to be like you.” Youngjae’s whole face grows soft as he carefully squeezes Jaebum’s hand with both his.

“I never asked you to be like me. No one did and no one expects you to. Your friends can live without much physical affection from you because they know you care. Hugs aren’t the only way to be affectionate, you know, and you should never try to be less like yourself. I- we love you because you’re Im Jaebum, stubborn, serious, a dork in the end and incredibly caring and loyal. I never want you to change for the sake of change or for the sake of being more like me or anybody. I want you to change for the sake of bettering yourself, bettering who you are. No one else. I love  _you_.”

“I hate when you figure me out like that,” Jaebum admits spitefully but Youngjae can tell from the tears in his eyes that he means it in the kindest way. “And I hate when you’re right,” he adds with the gentlest grin.

The moment is overcoming with emotion for both of them and Youngjae feels he has to break it up. “Someone has to be,” he tries to joke with a quivering voice. It only makes Jaebum flash a weak yet fond smile as a tear rolls down his cheek and he looks away with old pride. “Don’t look away.” It’s a soft demand and one Jaebum finds hard to defy.

“I’m really sorry. I blew it way out of proportion.”

“I’m really mad at you, you know,” Youngjae says, sounding not mad at all with his warm gaze and a benign tone of voice. “I was a mess trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. I thought you were gonna break up with me.” It feels good to laugh at his stupid worry now that Jaebum is looking at him with heart-shaped eyes again and that smile that is preserved for his eyes only.

“I know I’m not the world’s best at talking about these things but that’s why I got you this,” Jaebum says nervously as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little blue box –  _no_ , not that – and hands it to Youngjae. Inside are a pair of silver earrings that first make Youngjae grin from ear to ear and second make him laugh out of unadulterated happiness. “Maple leaves… So cheesy. I really love you,” Youngjae says and throws his arms around Jaebum’s neck. Already being pushed down slightly by the force of Youngjae’s affection, he lowers them all the way down to the ground with his hoodie as a cushion beneath his head.

“I can’t leave you, not with the way you talk to me, kiss me, touch me, look at me… Everything, Youngjae, is what I love about you.” They kiss and Youngjae’s leather jacket-covered hands reach up to cup Jaebum’s face. Jaebum breaks the kiss to look humorously up at Youngjae. “You owe me some action, I believe.”

“It’s a Sunday. Isn’t your mum home?”

“She’s visiting my aunt today.” They bite their lips simultaneously before they pick themselves up and rush back down and into Jaebum’s fluffy sheets that may or may not need cleaning once they are done.

The sheet gets crumbled up in the spot where BamBam’s nervous grip has found solace as he gathers his thoughts that were scattered left and right at the sudden appearance of his ex and her re-confession. “Cloud isn’t even that nice to me,” he says instead as he watches with fascination how the white ball of fluff cuddles up in Jisun’s lap. “Look.” BamBam pulls up his sleeve to show the same mark he showed Yugyeom. “Yugyeom has one too,” he says like they’re eight and he is showing off his coolest toy.

“I must be special then,” she says proudly to which BamBam does that romantic comedy thing where his eyes grow fond and his lips turn up in a small adoring smile.

“You must be,” he says and turns the situation cinematically from joking to serious. As if it indeed were a romantic comedy, she picks up on the way he flipped her words to something else, something meaningful. “I did think about you after that day… And I think you’ve still managed to linger at the back of my mind where the important things hide; the stubborn things that won’t let go despite how much you might want them to.” BamBam leans back on his arm and watches her with more distance to fully take in her facial features that feel so familiar. Lips curled upwards are what snap him out of the semi-trance.

“You’re as full of shit as you were back then. It’s adorable.” They laugh and Cloud takes her exit with that signature judgy cat look as if to say; “get a room.”  _Oh, if cats could talk_. Then Jisun leans in and BamBam gives in. It’s a quick kiss. It’s more of a test to see if there could be more and BamBam is pretty sure the answer is yes.

“Yes, Yugyeom, I live here. Stop looking so amazed. It’s a tiny flat that I share with two other people.” Annabel laughs sweetly and Yugyeom turns to mush for the nth time.

“You have your own room though. That’s more than I can say for myself.”

“That’s true,” she admits and shows Yugyeom inside said room. Her walls are colourfully decorated with posters, pictures and other things that make her room unmistakably hers. Even without knowing her too well, he can tell this is very her. If not by the nerdy posters and the English flag above her bed, then by the newspaper cut-outs of the many things she cares about. Yugyeom finds himself wanting a spot on her wall as she offers him her bed to sit on. “I love your room,” he unconsciously slips before his mind catches up with his mouth.

“Do you have your own room back home?” She asks.

“Yeah, I do. My sacred place.”

“It’s funny how much a room can mean to you.”

“A room that personal holds a lot of secrets; realisations, wonderings, highs, lows and maybe most of all some pretty unholy things.”

“Yeah, I’m sure your walls are scarred for life,” she jokes and scoots up against the headboard.

“Hey!” Yugyeom yells with red ears and an embarrassed smile. “Not fair.” While Yugyeom complains and denies, Annabel pats the spot next to her patiently and Yugyeom crawls to the spot and sits. Their shoulders touch and now Yugyeom knows what it means for a connection to feel electric. “I’m a virgin, actually,” Yugyeom admits out of the blue. Is it to defend himself? How come he suddenly trusts her with this information?

“Oh, well, as far as I know, you don’t need another person to get down and dirty in your room.” She lifts her eyebrows with a teasing smile and Yugyeom laughs so happily at the fact that she didn’t stop to make a big deal out of it. There was not a millisecond of hesitation and for that, Yugyeom wants to say thank you but he keeps it to himself, at least for now. This moment tastes too sugar-sweet to purposely end.

“Don’t be embarrassed. You’re not the only one guilty. I think my walls are pretty unhappy with me too.” In between laughing and joking their eyes meet and it all feels familiar like this is not the first time they sit and talk like this and forget the time that is ticking no matter how much the world feels like it has paused for them. Around 6 pm they remember to check a watch and order food to the door because why stop here?

Jackson stops and hesitates in front of Jinyoung’s door. For some reason, he is expecting Jinyoung to be mad at him but he unlocks his phone and rereads the texts from the car. In no way do they sound angry or passive aggressive but this whole thing is making Jackson regret and feel enormously at fault. He presses the button and awaits a voice, any voice. “Hello, who’s there?” One of Jinyoung’s sisters asks.

“It’s Jackson, is Jinyoung home?”

“Yes, come in.” Jackson is buzzed in and he rushes up the stairs with desperation to know what Jinyoung is thinking and feeling. Jinyoung is standing in the doorway when Jackson reaches his floor and his being oozes surprise and joy. An unexpected outcome in Jackson’s world.

“What’s with you?” Jackson smiles as the worries brush off him up the last few steps.

“Just surprised you came to see me.” Jackson raises a suspicious eyebrow.

“You look like you’ve been waiting for me all your life and I’m finally here.” Jinyoung scoffs and scrunches up his nose with fake bitterness.

“Just come inside. We can hog the balcony.” Jackson enters and follows Jinyoung to a pitstop in the kitchen for tea and then through the living room where he bows at Jinyoung’s family before the cool autumn air hits him again. Before he can say a word about it or even as much as shiver, Jinyoung has handed him a blanket. He mumbles a tiny 'thanks' and they sit against the side wall that shields them the best from gusts of wind and Jackson turns in his seat and puts his chin on his knees.

Words fall short for Jackson all so suddenly. “I think I thought you’d be mad at me,” he simply states to at least begin to talk about his thoughts. Fondness beams from Jinyoung as he reads Jackson’s confused expression.

“I’m not.”

“Okay.” Then Jackson just kind of wallows in his confusion while Jinyoung looks like there is nothing confusing about the situation. “And I wanted to check up on you… Just make sure you’re alright.” His reasons to worry fall drastically to zero as Jinyoung’s eyes disappear into its own creases and he grabs Jackson’s hand.

“You’re worried about  _me_? As far as I was concerned you were the one who was struggling.” Jackson shrugs softly. “Seun-ah, please, I don’t care that the others know. They’re probably over it already. All I did was help a friend in an unconventional way but that’s how this group of friends do things. The teasing will die out before too long and, besides, Jaebum is too caught up in his own issues to care right now.”

“At least he finally contacted Youngjae.”

“I know. It was about time.” The two of them roll their eyes simultaneously and laugh as they do so well together. Jackson takes a look at his study buddy who has become a dear friend of his so soon that he barely noticed it happen. Out of the blue, Jackson realises what Jinyoung would be perfect as.

“We should start up our own preschool together.”

“I’m not joking! She was my preschool teacher and then became my mother. So, as you now can see, my history is long and complicated. Because of my history, it has not been easy for me to date. Which is why you should probably feel a little special because I wouldn’t just do this with just anybody.” Annabel giggles at Yugyeom’s playfully confident smirk and it makes him crack up and break character. “I do,” she says once their laughter has died down, “I do feel special - and lucky cause I really like you.”

“I really like you too.” Feeling jittery and shy, Yugyeom hides the redness on his cheeks by laying his head on Annabel’s shoulder and she giggles because somehow nothing slips past her.

“You’re cute,” she whispers into Yugyeom’s hair and creates a shiver going all the way down Yugyeom’s spine; one he cannot hide. “I’m very flattered by how you react to me.” Yugyeom does his best not to lose his confidence as his head rises from her shoulder to look her dead in the eye. Momentarily, he forgets about being shy and realises that nothing about this situation frightens him. Not the closeness, not the fairly intense eye contact or the tension in the air. Just the mere thought of this would normally get his anxiety levels rising alarmingly but, at this moment, he feels content. Full of a calm and sure feeling, he does what he would’ve deemed impossible only days ago. In fact, it is such surprising behaviour for Yugyeom, that he does not realise the subtle leaning or the contact before it is there and he feels it reciprocated.

And, wow, if he were to paint a picture of how his insides must look in this moment there would be all the colours of the rainbow and flowers everywhere. A starry sky but with a sun shining brightly at the same time; like how he imagines worlds colliding and locking together perfectly would look. Only when Annabel moves to sit on top of Yugyeom - who knows how many minutes in - does he regain his senses and pulls away shortly. He has noticed something and remorsefully, so has she. As they both look down at Yugyeom’s crotch they have two very separate experiences. While Yugyeom wishes himself away despite the great company, Annabel giggles fondly and presses reassuring squeezes into Yugyeom’s arm. “I’m sorry,” is all Yugyeom can say to which she shakes her head and laughs so breathtakingly.

“It’s like an unspoken compliment more than anything,” she laughs and leans back on her hands with her legs still on either side of Yugyeom’s. “So, thanks.” Yugyeom’s startled look is exchanged for one that is a bit more relaxed. But together with his semi, the embarrassment stays and he wishes for them both to go away asap.

“It doesn’t bother you?” Yugyeom asks with something brave on his mind. She shakes her head and then he pulls her closer and in for another kiss because words are a bit flustering for the inexperienced boy right now. Soon, however, she detaches their lips and tries to read Yugyeom’s face and Yugyeom responds by doing the same until Annabel makes a silent guess with her eyebrows raised and her lips parting (seductively but that part is not intended). Finally, Yugyeom brings the discussion to words; “only if you want to.”

“That’s what I’d like to say to you.”

“Then I guess…” Annabel’s smile shows as she leans her forehead sweetly onto Yugyeom’s. “I entrust you with my body as well as my soul. Take good care of me,” Yugyeom whispers.

“Is the line ‘Take good care of me’ a bit weird here, maybe? I want the moment to be very tender and fragile,” Mark ponders with his newly written chapter freshly printed and sprawled all over his bed with himself and his laptop. At his desk with legs crossed and sipping one of the iced coffees he picked up for the two of them sits Jackson who has already been partly telling Mark, partly predicted by Mark about the talk he and Jinyoung had and how much he wants Mark to write a kid’s story so he can come and do readings at their future preschool.

“No, I like it but I also know that you could probably think of something more personalised for the character. One of those lines that stick like the iconic ‘10 Things I Hate About You’-speech or that ‘Say it’s carol singers’ scene from Love Actually.”

“Okay,” Mark says and pulls his computer up and types ‘Iconic romantic comedy scenes’ into Youtube for inspiration.

“I’m surprised you chose to write a romance,” Jackson ponders as he swirls his straw through the icy drink. “Of all the genres, you know.”

“Funny thing is, I didn’t actually draw from my own experience. I’ve looked at and listened to all of you and used that to create characters with emotions on full show or lack thereof. In my opinion, all the love that has grown in one way or another between us has been a whole story in itself. It seems only fit to write that down.” He closes the Youtube tab and thinks back to the events of late spring instead. “Jaebum told me about something Youngjae said to him once that keeps roaming in my mind: ‘You say a lot of things to me that you don’t say to other people’. I think that’s something I could use if I make a few changes in the dialogue.” Jackson smiles at Mark’s words.

“Isn’t Youngjae the wisest little romantic?” Mark hums with a smile of his own as he crosses things out in his papers and puts notes all around the dialogue in question.

“You all are.”

“Whatever do you mean, my love?” Jackson acts and earns a soft chuckle out of the currently quite solemn Mark.

“When you talk about love, whatever kind, you all have this importance in your voices and you say things like you know them – and you do – because you have friends who have shown you love.”

“Mark, you’ve taught us all a lot of things too, just so you know. I don’t know anyone as quick or attentive as you. Don’t think you’re not part of this too.” Attentiveness is one of Jackson’s skills too and it shows now in a rare moment of visible insecurity from Mark. The ice rustles around in the otherwise empty cup as Jackson sets it down firmly on the table to Join Mark on the bed. “I know we only met about half a year ago but you’ve undeniably become a necessity in my life.” Jackson lies down on his stomach and leans himself on his arms so he can read from the page closest to him. “You’re really good.” He looks up at Mark who seems frozen in his place with a warm smile on his face because Mark always smiles at times when a smile is due.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 10000 Hits & 500 Kudos >.> I never in a million years thought that could happen.  
> You guys have been the best readers imaginable. <3 love you guys!


	40. Sequel - OMW

It is redundant for Mark to explain to Miss Kwon what his book is about on that Wednesday evening where old pupils of all years and their teachers gather in the canteen. “Oh, yes, I can only imagine the events you’ve been able to draw on. I will very much look forward to reading it once you’re published.” As if she knows, the way she always did it, she speaks of her former student with sure assessment and Mark has a faint idea that it is why her students nearly always end up excelling at what they do.

“Actually, if you have time, maybe I could run a couple of chapters by you? Even though you’re not my teacher anymore?” Mark takes a sip of the welcome drink that, to his surprise, was not elderflower and sparkling water but actual champagne. “I guess everyone here _is_ over 18,” Mark thought aloud to Jackson earlier as they took their first sip together. Miss Kwon looks overjoyed at the suggestion and takes a sip of her own champagne.

“Sure. I’ll give you my email address and I’ll make sure to read whatever you’ve got for me.”

“Perfect!”

As Miss Kwon finishes writing her e-mail address into Mark’s notes, Youngjae comes waddling with his big signature smile and Jaebum’s hand in his.

“Hi, Miss Kwon.” She gasps in joy and rushes to hug the two boys who she grew to adore for their talent but most of all, their incredible will to change.

“Dear me, you both look as good as ever! How are you?” They tell her all about starting school after New Years and it nearly brings tears to Miss Kwon’s eyes. “Gosh, that’s incredible – and Mark is writing a book. I knew you would all be doing amazing things.” Jackson, Jinyoung, BamBam and Hana approach with BamBam talking to his phone.

“Yugyeom, look,” BamBam says and turns his phone so Miss Kwon can see Yugyeom through facetime and vice versa.

For most of the event, the boys talk to Miss Kwon or the others from the play. Jimin even holds a speech where she puts Jaebum’s extreme change into words with humour and friendliness. “It was the talk of our year. In fact, I vividly remember the day the trio lost their matching leather jacket aesthetic and Jaebum ever so casually showed up in a bucket hat. Before I had seen it, I had heard all about it. The whispers in the halls were unavoidable. There was something about his smile that day that made me realise what these years have – also – taught us; that we haven’t figured it all out yet and maybe we don’t need to. Maybe the day will come where Jaebum realises how kinda tacky those bucket hats are or maybe they will stick because they miraculously look good on him but either way, Jaebum will be fine, we all will.” Be the end of it Jaebum’s ears were burning but there is a little smile on his face too, an unadulterated, unspoiled, hopeful smile that believes, even though there is a lot of figuring out to do, he will be fine.

Saturday morning, a week after everything fell apart and came back together again, Youngjae pulls up in front of Mark’s house and finds him leant back in a garden chair with his hands resting on his stomach and his legs crossed. “First one,” he announces to Youngjae as he exits his car. “The others should get here soon. They wouldn’t want to be late, I’m sure.”

“If I know Jackson, and I do,” Youngjae makes eyes at his absent friend, “he’ll show up last minute.”

Jackson does show up last minute and jumps into the backseat of Youngjae’s car and is startled by the fact that Jaebum is not here next to Youngjae. Before he can ask, BamBam turns around with a grin and says: “Jinyoung forced him into the other car.”

Snickering erupts from Mark that travels to Jinyoung as they call Jaebum cute to which he very crankily explains that he is _not_ cute, he is sexy. This, however, helps his case in no way as his friends of many years simply laugh harder. “I’m sure the other car would’ve agreed,” he mutters with his arms crossed and his eyes avoiding his friends’. Jinyoung slaps his shoulder to get him loosened up.

“Did Miss K read your chapters yet?” Jinyoung asks Mark whose eyes are calmly watching the road. He hums in response and Jaebum’s interest peaks too at this.

“She did, and she liked them. Said she thought the character development from the midway chapters I sent her were spot on. She had a couple of notes here and there, nothing major,” Mark explains coolly, eyes never leaving the road.

“Amazing,” Jinyoung says, awestruck. He knows Mark has practised in the small up until now but for Miss Kwon to only have _a couple of notes here and there, nothing major_ is really major. “I’m tempted to ask to read some but I want the full experience when the book hits the shelves, which I am sure it will.”

“Will you sign my copy?” Jaebum squeals with the sweet kind of sarcasm and Mark’s lips turn upwards slightly while Jinyoung is busy complaining about him being too much like Jackson and not needing two of that kind of energy bombs in his life.

At the car park connected to the part of campus where Yugyeom's dorm is, the two groups gather with Youngjae taking the leading role. “Okay, guys, let’s try not to bring too much attention to ourselves,” he instructs with a stern look that only receives a couple of absent nods in return before Jackson and BamBam lead the way towards the dorms  _very_ loudly. Every ten seconds someone yells Yugyeom’s name somewhere in Yugyeom’s surprise entourage.

“What if he’s at Annabel’s?” Jackson asks with eyebrows wiggling suggestingly.

“I’ve been secretly texting his roomie. He’s in the building but so is Annabel, I believe.” Jaebum wolf whistles to which Youngjae slaps his arm with a huff. “Are you for real?” Jaebum puts his excitement on hold for a moment and presses his palm gently against the small of Youngjae’s back.

“Come on, Youngjae. You taught me to be a tolerable human being but I must have taught you a thing or two about letting go, didn’t I?” He kisses Youngjae’s temple and smiles so temptingly that it is difficult not to return it but he manages. “Yugyeom will be surprised? Aren’t you excited? I thought you taught me to feel my emotions, let them show.” Finally, Youngjae lets it go and smiles the smile he so badly wanted to smile. To prove the rush, he stops Jaebum and brings him in for one of their patented heated kisses before they jog to catch up with their friends who are getting close to the building in which Yugyeom should be confined.

The group of six does not have to look for long as they noisily enter the building and find Yugyeom with the biggest unblinking eyes they have ever seen on him across the common area. “Surprise, Yugyeom!” They all yell messily over each other before they have a quick look around at each other and Jaebum counts to four with a big grin on his face.

_“The time worrying is a waste_

_I’ll protect you, don’t worry_

_Here, into my arms_

_Whenever you need me, I’ll find you_

_You don’t have to call me, I am always by your side, oh_

_Keep you safe I’ll protect you so you won’t sway, oh we will be all right_

_Save you, save you_

_I’ll always be your love. Tell me what you want_

_Oh, oh, oh! Hold my hand if you feel tired_

_Oh, oh, oh! I know you need me”_

The singing is messy and everyone begins on different notes except for Youngjae and Jaebum who desperately try to lead the serenade but manage to enjoy the moment _because_ of the mess – and seeing how Yugyeom’s face lights up as he half laughs, half cries with his teeth showing and his shoulders bopping in a concoction of chuckles and sobs. His hand is holding Annabel's as she is standing next to him with an impressed smile on her face. As soon as they are finished singing, Yugyeom releases Annabel’s hand to jump into the arms of his friends. The other people who happened to be lounging in the common room are all watching them and some people have stuck their heads out the doors of their rooms at the loud singing. Everyone becomes smitten by Yugyeom’s happy laughter as he hugs them individually. “I missed you guys,” he says while Jackson is rubbing his tears away softly. His smile never leaves his face and if it were possible, it grows as Annabel approaches the group and greets them politely. “These are my best friends in the whole world,” Yugyeom says and Jackson hugs him again. “The ones you haven’t met are Mark, Jaebum and Jinyoung,” he says and points to the boys in question. They smile and wave at the girl they have heard endless streams of compliments about, mainly from Yugyeom, but also from the other three who only briefly met her last week. Before anything else is said, Jaebum and Jackson wiggle their eyebrows at each other and lick their lips suspiciously before they collectively take a deep breath in and look to Yugyeom.

“So, how’s life after being de-virginised?” Jaebum asks with the amusement bleeding through his words and his face as well as Jackson’s. Yugyeom goes red in the face and hides in his hands. Maybe not so surprisingly to the ones who have met her, Annabel does not seem affected by the joke but chuckles shortly before wrapping an arm around Yugyeom.

“Hey, Yug, let me segue you out of this embarrassment and ask for a tour because three of them haven’t seen this place before,” Youngjae suggests sweetly which earns him an only slightly annoyed push from Jackson. The tour ends up on the ice cream shop where Annabel works and they take a seat together at the tables outside and fall right into conversating and debating like they always do. Gossip, being one of their favourite collective topics.

“BamBam got back together with his teacher’s daughter.” BamBam plants his forehead into the table shielding his eyes from the grins he knows are showing and wishes he could do the same with the teasing that follows seconds later.

“I’m sure Mrs Cho was more than thrilled to see you again,” Yugyeom jumps in and Annabel simply watches the teasing unfold.

“You know, technically, we aren’t together, just testing it out. I’m only gonna bump into Mrs Cho again if we decide to actually be a couple.” BamBam pulls his head back up and leans back in the spot that he is cramped in between Jackson and Jinyoung.

“So, what’s the status update on that?” Jinyoung asks more seriously and suddenly an anxious silence falls upon the group that feels all too knowing when BamBam’s hesitation kicks in.

“I just don’t know. I felt like it was a sign when she showed up in my room with my crazy cat calmly resting in her lap but it feels off somehow. I think we’re trying too hard to reignite the spark because we’re so fond of each other. I think we’re a better fit as friends in the end.”

“Oh, Bam, how about friends with benefits. You’re obviously attracted to her but not in love? My man, do I come up with solutions or what?” BamBam chuckles softly and turns his head to face Jackson.

“I don’t think I can handle any more embarrassing encounters with her mother if it’s not for something more than a fuck.”

“Are you okay?” Youngjae asks with his hand stretched out towards BamBam.

BamBam puts his hand into Youngjae’s and feels a soft squeeze take the worst weirdness out of him. “Yeah, it’s a little sad to have to say goodbye to her again but I can’t lie to myself and I think she feels it too.” Jinyoung puts an arm over BamBam’s shoulder and another moment of silence exposes the love between friends and how much they carry each other’s burdens. “But life goes on. I’m only on my way. We’re all on our way together,” BamBam’s words of sentiment makes the friends look around at each other and silently agree that nothing but the seven of them is set in stone. Maybe Yugyeom has a feeling that Annabel is too which is why he offers her hand a squeeze and a soft kiss.

“Speaking of,” Jackson announces with a spark of intense excitement in his eyes like he has been holding this secret in for a long time. “Mark and I have done some research—”

“Spoken to my neighbour who’s in the National Assembly, he means,” Mark breaks in and Jackson glares at him.

“Anyways,” he begins again, “we found out that, due to some discussed—”

“ _Discussed_ ,” Mark stresses and Jackson shushes him.

“Discussed issues, following the rising acceptance of the Korean LGBT community, same-sex marriage may very well become legal within the next five to ten years.” Jackson is beaming with his eyes shifting between Youngjae and Jaebum who both look over at Mark’s opening mouth.

“We know it’s risky to start getting excited but he said that due to the huge western influence, it is very, very plausible that it’s gonna happen while we are in our 20’s. So, suit up boys cause we’re ready to watch you get married,” Mark suddenly beams because Mark only smiles when it is completely and utterly crazy not to. While Youngjae does his best not to seem all too happy next to Jaebum who he is less than sure how will take the suggestions about them getting married when they are only just rounding six months.

But Youngjae never gets a chance to look over to read Jaebum’s facial expression because his face is attacked with kisses and little laughs of joy in between each tight kiss pressed against the side of his face. “Jaebum,” Youngjae laughs as he poorly tries to pull Jaebum’s face away for a moment. When he finally responds to Youngjae’s weak attempts, Youngjae takes the pause to kiss Jaebum right on the mouth and the whole table seems in awe at how much a ' _maybe in the not so distant future you might'_ can bring so much happiness.

“Marry me as soon as we’re allowed by that bunch of stupid old men thinking they know what’s good for everyone,” Jaebum exclaims boldly and without a single care in the world, like he was never held back and dark at heart but has only ever been entwined with Youngjae and his heart prettier than a flowery field outside of Seoul on an early summers day.

“You best believe I’ll marry you, Im Jaebum,” Youngjae says and laughs and hugs Jaebum as if nothing could spear through him other than the love of his life, Im Jaebum.

“Adorable,” Jackson squeals and makes Yugyeom and BamBam join in just like they always do eventually after a couple of seconds of laughing at Jackson’s excitement.

“It’s funny... I kind of had an idea that things would change in some years’ time but when you hear it said out loud, even if it’s still just a maybe, it feels like there’s hope for the stupid human race,” Youngjae chuckles with his head on Jaebum’s shoulder.

With that over, the idyllic joy dies the second Jackson calls best man and the whole table erupts in shouting with arguments shooting in every direction. “They’re all gonna end up being best men. I don’t think we have a choice unless we want to lose our friends,” Jaebum mutters into Youngjae’s hair and listens to his soft giggles. A cool gust of wind enters and leaves causing Jaebum to pull Youngjae closer to him. Against his side, he can feel Youngjae’s chest rise and fall calmly and he can smell the _fucking unscented_  shampoo in his hair that could do with a haircut but Jaebum kind of loves how locks of his fringe fall in front of his glasses and make him shake his head unconsciously. Scenes like that have been engraved into Jaebum’s brain to ensure that he will never forget about Youngjae, not for a flicker of a moment, not ever. The thought is not as scary as it used to be and Jaebum finds himself sincerely wanting to marry the boy warming him up in the cooling air and he wonders if it is healthy to be so completely willing to marry someone at this age. _It matters not_ , Jaebum thinks, _for our collective past, short as it may be, deems us unbreakable._

“What about Yugyeom’s wedding?” Youngjae asks with cruel intentions that are fulfilled as Yugyeom slides down the seat with ears tomato red and everyone else suddenly screaming for the position as Yugyeom’s best man.

“You guys are extraordinary,” Annabel breaks in and puts the hectic yelling to a calm stop. Attention is brought to her and her bright smile. “I’ve never seen anything like you; surprise visits with messy singing in front of, kind of, a lot of other students and your how much your happiness depends on the rest of the group’s. It must be rare what you guys have.” Yugyeom wraps an arm around her shoulder and smiles her right in the face.

“Told you they’re the best,” he says and kisses her cheek softly.

“Oh, did you? I guess I didn’t notice,” she says comically – no mean intent – and it becomes clear that Yugyeom talks too much about his friends that now roar with laughter.

“I like her, Yug. She’s a keeper,” BamBam says as he calms down from laughing at Yugyeom’s reddened ears and broad shoulders pulled up with embarrassment.

Yugyeom’s following “I love you guys” is deeply sarcastic but it feels real to them all and it is real. _Through the best of times and through the worst of times, it was real, never even once attempting to fade into something weaker than the purest kind of love. Through BamBam’s not-breakup but just as difficult. Through Yugyeom’s most difficult days. Through the beginning of spring where the cold winter was still raging and we were but two halves of an unknown whole and to the middle when it became warmer as our axes tried to make sense of each other. Then came the end of spring and the beginning of summer where they finally aligned in our own corner of the enormous galaxy; simple to spot on the map, if you, like Annabel, looked for the turning point of our neat little solar system – Love. It’s a cheesy comparison, a rom-com classic even, but for us, it made sense back then just as it does now._

_When I think of Jaebum, Jackson, Jinyoung, Youngjae, BamBam and Yugyeom now… It often occurs to me how incredibly stubborn they must be to still be sticking to the same spots and, to come down from my metaphor, roles. In some way, I see the same group of friends that was formed that spring. Still, after all this, we are the same weird match of teenagers, barely teenagers anymore._

_But we did change on our way, we grew up and we made other friends, got all kinds of jobs like writing a book or starting a preschool that against all odds became a success. Yet, somehow, we are all still here, present in the same room and close as ever. So, as much as the galaxy might try to move around on our little corner of it, nothing could penetrate our force. We are strong because we are all together._

_This is the reason why two of us being legally bound to one another is so much more than just economic rights – as incredible as it is – it is also a huge seal on the fact that there is nothing that can break us apart._

_And God knows it will be hellfire for anyone who tries._

_I said something like this at their wedding. It was the most meaningful wedding I have ever been to and I think all seven of us cried at least once,_ some _more than others, but all of us nonetheless._

 _And I leave you all with this_ altered for the occasion _quote from Jaebum’s wedding speech, proper 2Jae style: “Some are born loved, some achieve love, and some have love thrust upon them.”_

 

**Dedicated to my readers**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to throw this sequel here as a little extra something for the ones who were sad to see this end including myself.
> 
> If you guys are still interested in reading more from me, you’re welcome to stick around and wait for a GOT7 ship one shot collection that I will be publishing within the near future.
> 
> Thank you, everyone, for being a part of this. It has been very special for me to receive so much feedback on one story. This process has taught me a lot and has bettered me and my writing in many ways. I expect to keep getting better as I am far from perfect at the moment and I hope you will tag along for that. I don’t think I can thank you enough for all your time and kind words.
> 
> Love, Freja <3


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